


Calamity

by EatingUptheBoredom



Category: Marvel, X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Calamity is pretty depressed kids, Charles is old but not OLD, Don't copy to another site, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Gen, Gifts, Hurt/Comfort, I picked and chose the characters and mutants I liked the most, It's JUST A STORY, Let's be honest, Loneliness, Mutant Powers, Mutant Rights, Mutants, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Teenagers, Telepathy, Very dark themes, Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, as she works through some of her problems it might be a bit triggering, be safe, idk - Freeform, idk what i'm doing tbh, it's my first fic, like we all do, memory manipulation, powers, same with hank, she feels pretty worthless, she's looking for her place in the world, tell me if it's good, the students have cell phones, the timeline is messed up and doesn't matter, this fic was me wishing there were someone as powerful and empathetic out there to cure all our ills, this gets pretty dark kids, you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 05:42:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 95,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17843567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EatingUptheBoredom/pseuds/EatingUptheBoredom
Summary: I don't usually care for first person stories but I'm hoping you'll give this a try; please do read even if it's to give feedback it's my first fic.An X-Men story featuring Charles Xavier, Jean Grey, Sage, Hank McCoy, and Calamity, a homeless teenager who asks Professor Xavier if she can stay at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, despite the fact she is not a mutant.The only true thing I know is that I'm nothing to nobody.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Should have a pretty consistent posting schedule, it's basically finished. Obviously, if people are liking and commenting it's motivating to get it out there sooner lol

In my own mind, my life, me as a person, seemed to be a cosmic joke. Being the butt of said joke, it was not often I found humor in it. Yet even I had to see the irony of my name-- Star. The cosmic joke named after a celestial body.

Today the universe was having a good chuckle at my expense. Driven by desperation and loneliness, not to mention straight up hunger, I'm seeking help from the last place on earth likely to give it to me, but I have nowhere else to try.

Even with the dim hope of success, I was almost as much afraid of success as failure and had to remind myself how bad living on the streets had gotten. The streets were still not as bad as the previous experiences; foster care was even worse. The crackpots who take in mutant spawn only want to use them, sometimes exploiting their abilities, sometimes just in it for the nice bonus the government gave them for taking in the riff-raff no one else wanted. Despite being medically cleared as non-powered, I was lumped with the other difficult placement kids and the foster saps were disappointed they couldn't use some hitherto undreamt of ability for their own benefit. I still couldn't be sure, exactly, if it was me or them that had the problem, but I didn't last in any of those homes for more than a few weeks. I tried to be a good kid, but never quite could find the knack for what was expected of me. After the first few families, it kind of was discouraging.

I even stayed with a family that had mutants once. The mom and her son. My best guess for that one, since they seemed nice, was they couldn't have the liability of having me around once it got around who my parents were.

Three more tries after that, then I hit the streets. I didn't think it would be that bad, and at least no one could get rid of me anymore. Whatever it was that was required to be a good foster kid, I obviously lacked it entirely. I was sick of the disappointment; the changing schools and rooms and faces always looking at me like I'm a freak.

Which I'm not. Another good reason I'm a cosmic joke.

It comes back to my parents. It always comes back to them.

I don't want to obsess about it. I'll just tell you, they're not in the picture. The place we lived, Community, it started as a mutant neighborhood. None of the saps (as is homo sapiens) wanted anything to do with mutants, so it just kind of grew. My parents lived there, really wanting to believe in a better way of life. Where they were accepted. Freaking hypocrites.

Anyway, this mutant Mannik kind of took it from a neighborhood to more of a commune and escalated things. It kind of got intense, like instead of a live-and-let-live type of deal more of a mutant-supremacy type of deal. My parents didn't like it, but Mannik was a pretty compelling leader and they stayed. They followed his lead. Started thinking it was a duty, a destiny even, to have mutant children of their own and pave the way for a brave new world.

Imagine believing with all your mind and heart that mutants were just God's chosen people, destined to rule, honor above all, righteous rulers, all that, and you have a child specifically to pass on genetic mutations and your child ends up being NOTHING. I got all the junk DNA and I have zero power. The kind of screwed up part about it is that I can really remember a time they were good to me. Before they knew the truth. Sometimes the powers don't manifest until puberty, you know, so they were pretty patient although both of them manifest when they were just kids.

But when I was thirteen and a year past puberty and nothing had happened, they took me to a mutant geneticist, and anyway, Dr. Minde had to tell them the truth about me. He said it was a lottery chance, but though I carried the mutant-x gene, they were not in a place that would lead to any manifestations of anything. They were latent, he said, pointless genetic leftovers.

They took it pretty hard.

I can still see their faces in the doctor's office.

Like I was a monster.

Like they would rather I was dead.

It was like I'd sprouted a second head. No, wait, they probably really would have loved that. It wasn't exactly like they stopped loving me, either, but I think the child they wanted and hoped for me to be died that day and I was some awkward reminder of what they lost. I know it hurt them a lot, I could see it on their faces. All their friends were mutants, all they ever talked about were mutants and the future and getting mutants elected as officials. Practically a religion or something, although my mom was a nature-lover and she believed in God, believed that He gave mutants gifts to help humanity and that was why it was important to make mutants the leaders of our country or whatever.

I didn't even meet another sap until I went to school after they were gone. The supremacy group had a school, just for mutants, but they had no qualms about kicking me out once the test results were back.

For the last few months of my freshman year, I took some correspondence classes while my parents tried to figure out a school thing, and I guess just what to do with me in general because they didn't want me exactly mingling with the filthy humans, even though that's what I was. They sent me away for a couple of months, they said it was safer for me until the Community could adjust to what I was and yeah even they had the good sense to look uncomfortable when I pointed out to them they were putting me through the very thing they eviscerated the saps for doing to their mutant kids. They did let me come back, at least. I could tell they weren't really sure what to do with me. Before we could even work anything out, during that summer everything happened and Mannik made some sort of play and then they were gone-- arrested and locked away, I didn't even get to say good-bye. There was never any communication from them and all my letters came back return to sender.

I wasn't with them, of course, when it all went down. Mom had said it was some kind of peaceful protest, had invited me and everything, but I delicately declined. I was at home reading when the Mutant Task Force broke down the door. They didn't even know I existed; they were just as surprised to find me there as I was that they came. They informed me our house was a crime scene and my parents were terrorist. The interrogated me, reviewed my medical records that showed I had no mutant abilities, let me grab one suitcase full of personal belongings and that was the last I saw of Community. Just like that, I was in a group home waiting for the system to find me a foster. I went to six different families in the first month. That 6th family, I didn't even stay an hour-- I got my stuff and left.

I did the street thing and hardly talked to another soul for the past six months. I thought the streets would be better than being bounced around like a ping-pong ball and okay it was better in some ways but it was no picnic. I was willing to consider alternatives. For one thing, I was tired of being hungry and scared all the time.

I'm telling you all this so you know that I didn't just come to this decision lightly. and I totally get that I'm just BS-ing myself, thinking that I can fool like, the most brilliant mutant the world has ever known. But I just can't think of anything else to do and I really don't have anywhere else to turn. I'm not human enough for the humans and not mutant enough for the mutants.

I'm nothing to nobody. That's the truest thing about me.

My hands won't stop shaking. Look, I don't like it either, but I'm not going to lie. If this doesn't work out, I'm pretty much out of ideas. It will be back on the streets. I can't even bear to think about that.

I understand that this is completely ridiculous and a terrible plan and it's never going to work out, you don't have to say it. I give it less than 5% chance.

I've read that the best way to tell a lie is to tell a bit of truth. I have a plan: two truths and a lie. I have to be careful, I have to be smart, but I can do it. I know what mutants sound like when they talk to each other.

It could work. It could.

Even if it's for a little while, it might be worth it. They might just let me stay. Like a token or something; they're supposed to be all buddy-buddy with humans, showing us a better path or whatever.

Right?

It's a long walk from the bus station to the school. It's on these expansive grounds in the middle of nowhere, miles from any big cities. It ends up taking me a lot longer than I planned, and it's kind of late in the day by the time I even get to the entrance of the school.

I feel a sick, heavy rock in my guts because I'm just walking into a place that, in all truth, I had no business being in. I wasn't gifted-- the sign on the gate clearly states that I'm entering "Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters" and I'm aware I'm not that. I'm nothing. I hate lying, I was never good at it, but I was never desperate before. I have to do this.

I walk up to the large, ornate but sturdy looking doors and push the doorbell.

I almost leave as soon as the bell sounds. I'm just a coward; I've never tried to be brave. I want a home, a chance at school, a place to live for more than a few days but everything tastes red and hot and all I see is my fear. My fear doesn't make me brave, I just freeze, unable to leave yet praying the door never opens, hoping it does, like a complete idiot.

Unfortunately, the door opens after not very long, like they don't want to keep people waiting. There's this perfectly ordinary looking guy there, pretty old, you know, like in his thirties or something but he looks smart, and he looks nice. He takes in my hoodie and my dirty jeans and my backpack and I'm sure that's not a new sight for him because my parents would show me stories in the news all the time about runaway mutants rejected by their families, before when they could share that kind of thing with me, before they found out I was part of the world they hated. He doesn't look surprised or anything, just kind of questioning.

"Hello. Can I help you?" He says it in this like, overtly gentle and pleasant voice, like he's expecting me to be spooked, which okay I am.

"Uh--" I try swallowing a minute like I can swallow all my nerves and fear but I feel myself chickening out. Like, literally I can feel it--my knees are kind of weak like I'm relieved and it's because part of my brain has already figured out I can't do this and I'll just have to leave. "No, I think... I think I'm in the wrong place." I bend down and pick up my backpack and part of me is already trying to figure out how to politely leave without making it more awkward (what's the drill here... like, do I wave goodbye?) and part of me is already thinking about where to go and part of me isn't ready to give up but I got nothing. I'm not a brave person. I can't do it.

"Why don't you come in a minute?" So this guy opens the door more, kind of watching me. The thing is he does look nice, not just in a handsome way but in a kindness type of way. I have no idea who he is. I thought I was pretty familiar with most of the personnel at the school, I'd read as much as I could about it. I hesitate long enough without answering his question that it makes it awkward, but I decide just going in doesn't have to mean I'll stay. I can leave anytime. There's an at least 65% chance I can get fed, in any case, and since I'm starving I step forward into the house when he steps back to make room.

I'm curious how many other saps have seen inside the mansion. I mean, I know I'm not the only one. Charles Xavier is the poster boy for mutant-human alliances, but on the other hand, a lot of people fear and despise mutants as a threat to humanity, so they'd have to have some kind of security. I was just let in though, so maybe they let anyone in?

The house is overwhelmingly nice. Like the pictures but real, so. I notice this smell like something I recognize as a school smell, food and paper and books and ink and students with their shampoo and deodorant and kind of body odor. It actually calms me down a tiny bit, like this shred of familiarity; it felt a bit like Community.

"Are you hungry?" Again with the really gentle voice, which I'm definitely appreciating, to be honest. I must look as skittish and desperate as I feel. An ugly blotchy redness begins on my neck.

"Uh, yeah." I'll have to slap myself if I say uh again. I am hungry, it's true. I'm not starving, but when you really have to kind of guess when every meal might be and only probably 34% of the time actually find decent food and more often just kind of eat it because it's food but it's nasty, you are hungry most of the time and you take food when it's offered. There're places on the street where they feed the homeless but you really have to be careful. There are headhunters at those soup kitchens, people on the lookout for runaways, who get paid to inform on mutants. Which I'm not. Technically. But I'm guilty by association, guilty enough.

"This way." He kind of walks a little ahead of me but keeping me to his side not letting me trail too far behind. I try and take in the school. There's this giant stained glass window that gives everything a warm light and this staircase and doorways everywhere like probably literally everything is made out of mahogany or something. It's super pretty. My shoes are really disgusting walking there, I'm suddenly really aware of it, it's really embarrassing. They're my mom's; when I had to hurry and grab stuff, in a fit of sentimentality I grabbed hers instead of mine and they're dirty because she was always in the dirt, and now all the dirt from the streets and they're too big on me. There's this heat somewhere between my chest and my throat, all my anxiety, fear, and embarrassment.

The house is huge; I can't even begin to see all the different wings and whatnot. But on the ground floor up ahead there's a kitchen and place to eat.

"You can have a seat." He gestures to this little table in the kitchen probably the cook uses to prep food because it has stools around it. I can't help it, I tug my hood down a bit more because there's definitely a few other people around. They kind of glance at me but don't pay me much attention, but I can tell they are definitely mutants. They have some of the features; different hair colors, certain body abnormalities, kind of subtle things but you can tell. I seriously doubt many humans come here.

"My name is Hank." He offers his name and I kid you not he's making me a sandwich, and I'm really aware he probably has better stuff to be doing. It's pretty late in the day, probably classes are over, but he must have stuff to do but he just keeps making a sandwich.

"Uh--" Dang it!! I swallow. "I mean, Star." I see him pause for a split second when he hears my name and a paranoid part of me thinks he's heard of me but he probably is waiting for a last name but he just nods a little and keeps making me food. There's fruit in a basket on the table and I pocket an apple. He offers me this sandwich of peanut butter and jelly and even chips and a pickle without saying a word but just watching me with a kind of understanding and sad look like I'm some sort of troubled youth or something.

"Thanks." It really is probably the best thing I've ever eaten but it sticks in my throat.

"You in some kind of trouble, Star?" Again with that really gentle voice, it makes this giant lump in my throat and I can honestly say I was about to cry just because he was being so nice to me. I squirmed a bit in my seat, I didn't want to deceive him or anyone, and again, I got the feeling I just needed to give up on my grand scheme. I can't tell you why all my grand plans fell on me like that at that moment. It was like this epiphany, and I suddenly realized I really actually could not do this. I couldn't lie.

I didn't answer him a minute while I ate the rest of the sandwich. I eat the crust last. Hank didn't say anything and didn't keep staring at me, but kind of cleaned up or something but kept an eye on me.

"I think maybe I am," I said but it came out really quiet even though I hadn't meant it too, I thought I was speaking in a normal voice but when the words tried to get around the lump in my throat they shrank down and the sound of them hurt my chest and I glance at Hank but I can't tell if he heard me or not. "No, I'm really sorry I bothered you, I don't think you can help me after all." I cleared my throat and drank this milk he had given me as I ate. "Thanks for the sandwich, I really mean it. I think... I think I need to get going."

Hank nodded a little and kind of shook his head too like he understood but didn't agree with me. "Star I think we might be able to help you. If you came here, you probably know who Professor Xavier is. I think maybe you should meet with him and maybe he can help you decide if we can or can't help you."

"Uh, no. No that's okay." I picked up my backpack. "I made kind of a mistake coming here, and I don't really want to bother the professor or anything." I kind of fidgeted with my backpack a minute but that sandwich hurt my stomach. I felt sick like I did after my parents were gone, like this grief I didn't know what to do with. "Thanks."

He didn't start to walk me back to the door so I started back on my own feeling so stupid. I pulled my hood down as low as I could so I could pretty much only see the floor in front of me and my dirty sneakers, but I didn't want to take a chance of seeing anyone seeing me. I could hear Hank following me kind of slowly but he didn't stop me.

In front of my dirty, too big shoes, I suddenly see these nice, comfortable looking brown shoes on a wheelchair footrest. I literally didn't move a muscle or even breath because they only thing I could feel in any way was my heart suddenly pounding in my chest. I really slowly look up and I see the professor for the first time, kind of ducking down to see if he can see my face, like a really concerned but kind of amused look on his face.

I don't know exactly why, but the sight of him, his, like weirdly blue eyes, and bald head, and kind and laughing face, it made me so sad I thought, really thought, I don't think I will survive this. I thought... if my own parents didn't want me, and I can't belong to a place like this, it would be probably really the best thing to just like, kill myself. It was a thought that appeared out of nowhere, I wasn't taking it seriously, but just before I turned away from him to walk around him, I saw his eyes fill with a sad emotion and I wondered if he was using his telepathy and had heard the untoward thought. It was embarrassing.

I, of all people, knew that mutants were at times dangerous. Some have powers to hurt or even kill people. But I'm not really afraid of mutants, I grew up with them. Yet I felt more of a threat somehow from this kind soul than all the human-haters I'd grown up among. When I walked passed him, it felt like walking passed a wild animal that had just noticed you and you had to just hope it wouldn't be interested in you.

"Wait," he said softly. I did, but I honestly couldn't move to face him again. I think he mistook it, because he said, "Please," but I couldn't have moved another step.

I heard him shift in his wheelchair and turn it to face me, and I heard him take a breath in and let it out. "My name is Professor Xavier, my dear. Might I have your name?"

"Star," I whispered. I had already decided it would be one of my truths. Two truths and a lie. "Please let me go, Professor." I glanced at him and saw him kind of furrow his brow and blink like he was surprised and concerned.

"Star I won't keep you here, I won't make you stay. But please won't you talk to me a few minutes before you go?" He said this soothingly like I was a wild animal and he probably thought I was a mutant and dangerous and that's what I was here for but it gave me a surge of dislike, I couldn't tell for what.

I really knew I should just go and that was pretty much my plan. But I ended up nodding a little and I knew why I betrayed myself like that; they were really being so nice to me and it was just really pleasant and painful and I knew it wouldn't last so why not a few more minutes? And Charles Xavier was my hero. He kept his life really private for, like, safety reasons, but if you're determined and have a lot of time alone to do whatever, you can find stuff. My gosh, I pray he won't read my mind and find out how much I know about it, it would be so embarrassing I probably would die of embarrassment. He's just one of like probably ten declared mutants who could possibly care about humans. I had come all this way and I just wanted to talk to him a minute.

I stopped mid-turn. "Are you going to read my mind?" I peeked out at him. I saw his really concerned look relax into this kind of softened, gentle one.

"No, I won't do that. But not much I can do about feeling your emotions I'm afraid." He had this nice British accent that sounded the way soap smells.

"What do you mean?" I could not keep the edge of anxiety out of my voice.

"Part of my gift is that I can, under some circumstances, read minds. As a part of that, I can also feel what someone else is feeling, even if I'm not reading their mind. Particularly when someone is having very strong or uncontrolled emotions, I pick them up," he said this as he watched me carefully.

"Just the emotions? You can't like, I don't know, you won't know what I'm thinking?"

"That's correct, I won't know what you're thinking, any better than anyone else would." I watched him a moment, trying to read his face, if he might lie about it, but it didn't look like it, so I just looked at the ground and nodded again, feeling as dumb as ever. I could hear Hank approach and I looked up at him and he looked pretty serious and kind of gestured the way toward the entrance but to one side this giant pair of double doors that was where the Professor's office was. I kind of shuffled my feet following him and the Professor came in behind me. I sat down on this like, stupidly comfortable chair with brown fabric while he went behind his desk.

The professor was just kind of watching me, his brow furrowed, and he looked so much like the pictures I'd seen of him I almost started laughing. I was verging on hysterical. I pushed it down.

"Perhaps you could just tell me why you came here, Star." Professor X said like kind of kindly but like he expected an answer, too.

"I've heard of it and I just wanted to see what it's like."

"Did your parents bring you? We're not close to much." Obviously they didn't. What do people just drop off their kids and leave?

"Yeah I know," I said, not being able to resist being a little sarcastic. The grounds are expansive, to say the least, and the nearest town was at least ten minutes away by car. I had scraped up enough money for a bus ticket and then walked for forever to get here. "Um, no, they didn't bring me."

"Do you have someone taking care of you?"

"Yes, I have a really nice foster family, they paid for my bus ticket." Half true. There was a family they placed me with, but they weren't particularly nice. I realized I'd miscalculated, telling him that, when he could clearly see by my appearance that no one was taking care of me; it had been months since I'd seen them. If I fessed up to one lie he'd maybe buy my bigger lie a little easier? If I decided to tell it. "Okay, no, but I'm doing fine on my own. It won't be long until I'm an adult anyway." He turned his head a little, toward Hank, and I had the impression he was reading Hank's mind and it made me feel like they were talking about me. I felt my cheeks burning.

"Just how old are you?"

"Seventeen."

"Are you?" He raised an eyebrow and I glanced at Hank to see if he was buying it.

"Fifteen," I relented, "but I've been on my own a while and I'm doing all right. I just was bored, I wanted to see the school, and I did. But I should be on my way. Before it starts to get dark or something." At least, I would be fifteen soon enough. I just turned fourteen so really, it was hardly a lie.

"You said you were in some kind of trouble," Hank said quietly. I kind of glanced at him, mad like he'd ratted me out. I looked at my shoes, feeling like this was all their fault, like they summarized all my failures. I scratched my lip with my thumb.

"Being a teenager on your own can be difficult," Xavier said. I could tell he was choosing his words carefully. "Any teenager, but particularly a mutant, may encounter any number of dangers." I felt a swell of resentment at his words, although I'd been counting on his assumption that I was a mutant and for freak's sake, that's what this place was created _for_. I came here to get help pretending to be a mutant, but I still couldn't stop feeling angry that it was like, only mutants are entitled to love or help; that's on my parents. I pushed the feeling away. Xavier tilted his head and leaned against his hand, watching me intently. He knew he had made a misstep but did not understand what it was. "Star, where are your parents?

I peeked out at him a moment, trying to decide if he'd read my mind a little or it was just a natural question to ask a teenager on their own. "I don't know. Prison, I guess." He sat up again and he and Hank glanced at each other. "Range. He was in that incident where those three people died. You know, when ten mutants were arrested, four dead, a bunch of buildings destroyed?" Xavier nodded slowly. "Yeah. Well, they took him and my mom away, I don't even know where. Honestly they might as well be dead for all they care about me." I tried to gauge his reaction to this pronouncement but he only looked intent.

I hated talking about my parents. I love and hate them, and they're both beyond my feelings now; I had given up hope that they actually cared about me when all my letters came back unopened. I figured they counted me with the enemy since I wasn't a mutant and I hadn't gone to the protest with them. We're not in any circle together; I can't affect them, they can't affect me yet it seemed like all they did was affect me.

The thing is, Range and Posy, the names they had chosen for themselves when they discarded their human names that they never even shared with me, they're like, strangely endearing. Like, they changed their names, but not to anything threatening, but Range and Posy. They had every right to be hateful, maybe, but they never wanted to hurt anyone, that I know of. Their love and acceptance didn't extend to me, but that was a fault in me not them, mostly. Always when I thought of them, it was my heart and soul being ripped in two. I hated them, but I couldn't. I loved them, but it had nowhere to go, no heart to receive it, nothing to fall into and grow. I leaned forward, rocking my body to the pain, trying to dislodge it. I shoved it down. I glanced up and saw Xavier watching me, his brow furrowed, his eyes sad.

"The news didn't mention the names of the mutants involved." I conceded that; it was barely in the news, to be honest. I don't know if it's because the government doesn't like advertising when there's difficulty with mutants or it's just really not newsworthy anymore. "But Range sounds familiar. Yes, I recall hearing about him. He could run far distances, couldn't he?"

"Uh, yeah. Dr. Minde said he didn't get muscle fatigue. So. He could lift a lot, too, so he was really strong." I resented the lump in my throat. I shouldn't care about people who didn't care about me, but I did. Another reason I was a cosmic joke. "But he really liked running. He could run 200 miles, just stopping to eat and go to the bathroom. He'd sleep after though."

"Dr. Minde?"

"Yeah. The doctor at Community. Some sort of geneticist genius and medical doctor. I don't know much about him." I'd seen him when I was a kid and then when they were doing the genetic testing.

"I see. What about your mom?"

I swallowed, shaking my head a little. "Yeah. Posy. She had this green thumb. I mean, she could grow anything, but was pretty good about flowers especially, and trees." Like, how Mannik thought that a woman who grew FLOWERS would be any use in his advancement schemes is beyond me. But no one forced her to be there, either. "But it was like, really innocent, you know. Like, not like some sort of Poison Ivy or something she couldn't control plants she just helped them grow."

"Just something someone said to me once," I muttered. Day 2, and the last day, of my third school some idiot in chemistry. That guy was 74% jerk. I ducked my head and blinked so they wouldn't see my tears.

"What about you, Star? What did you receive from your parents?"

I shifted in the comfy chair. "Are you talking bout philosophically or physically, Professor?"

"As you please."

"I don't think like Mannik if that's what you're asking." I met his eyes for a moment on that one. I pretty much blame Mannik and mutants like him for what happened. I know they didn't force my parents or anything, but I sometimes think they were just trying to make the world better and wasn't trying for any of the BS drama. "I think mutants deserve some rights, some protection from discrimination. But I'm not big into the supremacy thing."

"I see. And... what about physically, Star?" I could tell he was being careful about how he asked this, and I appreciate that he's trying to be sensitive.

I could feel my heart rate and breathing escalate. Up 'till now, it wasn't too late, but now I had to choose. It was my whole life hinging on one choice like some stupid movie, one you watch and the hero always make a terrible decision. I could see two paths before me. One, I was myself. No lying or deceiving or hiding things or half-truths or whatever. I'm wholly me. But I'm alone. I don't have a family, friends, or even necessarily food. I would be in some kind of danger. Look, I'm a coward. I admit that I don't want to face that, I was afraid. The other path, I lie. All the time, every day, and pretend to be what my parents always wanted. I'll have everything I've wanted but know it's not really for me, that I'm living a lie. The main drawback to the second path is that it's doomed to inevitable failure. I know it won't last. But for a while, it might be nice. I COULD just leave too if it's not working out. And I really don't have any other options for getting to school.

"Well, Professor, if you're asking about my mutation, I'm afraid my parents and I diverge on that score as well. While I don't think they could harm anyone with their mutation even if they wanted to, mine is a different sort." My heart was pounding so hard I could hardly hear myself talk. I felt a stab of pain in my chest about lying and at the same time hoped that Xavier felt it as pain for what I was pretending to be.

"Professor, you should know that my gift is to be able to kill anyone. By looking at them." I gauged their reaction. I was being a tad dramatic, I'll give you that, but trust me. it was designedly so. Xavier leaned forward, his blue eyes startled and boring into me. Hank looked briefly taken aback, then quickly resumed his placid expression. It was stupid and dramatic and there's no way any mutant would ever get a mutation like that (that I know of?) but it accomplished two things. One, no one would (hopefully) ever ask me to use my power. And two, they wouldn't discuss me much with anyone because obviously a mutation like mine... like my FAKE one, would put all mutants at risk. People would utterly freak out. It had to be a power I could never, ever use.

I held my breath; it was a gamble, after all. Even Charles Xavier might be hesitant to keep a mutant as dangerous as I was professing to be. All my lies might be for nothing if he refused me based on those grounds. He and I contemplated each other.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor calamity feels _everything_
> 
> a/n I know this is lengthy for a fanfic. Have a seat

The Professor didn't say anything to me, just watching me intently, apparently just thinking. It was an uncomfortable feeling, and my back started to itch. I'd thought long and hard about what my supposed mutation would be, but if I oversold it, it could be he wouldn't let me stay because it would be a danger to the staff and students or whatnot. I forced myself not to actively fidget.

"I've never killed anyone," I said finally. "I have complete control over it."

"Explain please."

"Uh, um. You mean my mutation? Like how it works?" He nodded. "Right. Um. Well, it started with the plants when I was like three I guess I kind of was annoyed that my mom was spending so much time with them, and I don't remember, like, obviously, but my mom told me, I was crying. You know because I was a toddler or something I was throwing a tantrum and my eyes kind of had a weird black flash, she told me and boom, the plants just withered away. Her plants like, _never_ die and they were dead to the root, so." I did hate my mom's plants but I'd never killed so much as a geranium. 

Hank and Professor X were staring at me really intently and I resisted the urge to pull my hood down again. An uncomfortable memory bubbled up to the surface from wherever I'd forced it down. In my school, in Community, I asked everyone I knew what it was like when they realized what their mutant powers was, sure that I could replicate the process and find out what mine was. It was back before anyone suspected I might not have any abilities, and they were still my friends, and they told their stories to me to comfort me, to help me if they could. Rejected from their company, I would use what I'd learned to find a new school, new friends if any here would have me.

A terrible wave of loneliness hit me and my chest squeezed painfully, but I would not cry.

"Mom said I was pretty scared and so was she, but she didn't quite understand what happened so she wasn't too worried about it. I mean, she and my dad talked about it, but what could they do really?" I wondered what a shrink would think of my made up scenario with my parents. Was it normal for me to feel like my lips were on fire from lying? I'd never done it before. Was it supposed to hurt?

"So all this time later, when I was five there was this really aggressive dog in our neighborhood and it-- it killed my cat. I was upset and crying and the dog turned on me and I do remember being scared and it was getting dark. I was awake but everything went dark it was like the lights went out, but we were outside in the sunlight. Just for a second but when I could see again the dog was dead."

The story about the dog killing the cat was true, though of course I was too weak and powerless to do anything to stop it or do anything about it so the rest was purely fictional. It could still count as _one_. The Professor leaned forward, his eyes alight with sympathy and concentration. I let the pain and fear of that day fill my mind for a moment, hoping Xavier wouldn't sense my other emotions of dread and hatred for lying, of using my poor cat to decieve anyone. I felt sick and still wondered if I could go through with this all. But I just kept talking.

"I was pretty scared and so were my parents, they gave me a lot of chocolate to keep me happy." That was the second truth. My mom loved chocolate and was always sharing it with me. Not as often, after they found out, but she still did. I actually still have one of the chocolate bars she gave me, I'd been saving it and now it was past the point it was edible and I still kept it. Like it was some kind of replacement communication for their militant radio silence since they were arrested. I should throw it out. Maybe I would, now that I was here. "And they took me to see Dr. Minde."

I had considered lying about Dr. Minde. There was a small chance that Xavier could want to contact him and he would find out I was making everything up. I was making a calculated risk, knowing that Dr. Minde was even more reclusive and evasive than Mannik was and there was almost no chance he would talk to anyone outside of Community. Not even and perhaps especially Charles Xavier, who was known to consort with humans and rogue mutants. "Anyway, he helped me find the like, thread that connects to my mutation, and I just know never to pull it. He used goldfish and plants and it really didn't take me long to figure it out. I haven't had any problems since."

Professor Xavier was watching me really closely, looking very serious. "Star answer me as truthfully as you can. Does anyone else know about your mutation, as you call it?"

"I don't think so. Dr. Minde didn't um... he didn't tell Mannik. Dr. Minde didn't approve of anyone getting killed." This was true about him. He was nice to me, but I was afraid of doctors, and I know he despised humans. I had thought about going to him for help, briefly, since he had tried to help me with my mutation before we knew it was pointless. He even visited me, once or twice, after I got kicked out of Community, to see how I was doing. But I knew he was uncomfortable consorting with me after he found out I wasn't a mutant; he always looked at me like he felt sorry for me. I needed to cut all ties and move on from Community.

"Only my parent knew, and him, that I know of."

"You never told any of your friends in school?" He sounded skeptical.

"I don't have any," I muttered, turning away. There was another truth, one I didn't need to tell him but I couldn't seem to help myself.

"Star." He seemed to be trying to figure out a way to say something. He glanced at Hank again. "I want to be very honest with you. Secrets can be very dangerous at a school like this. I told you I would not read your mind and I will never do that without your permission, but that means you must tell me what you are thinking. And it's very important that you are honest with me." I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from squirming. "Are you sure you're telling me the truth about your power? Is there any chance, even a very very small one, that you could harm someone?"

"Um, no Professor. There's no chance of that, even a very small one," I said in a whisper. My entire chest hurt. _They would hate you if they knew,_ a mean voice in my head said, my inner voice.

I felt the tears I'd been fighting prickle behind my eyes, I'm sure obvious to him. If he pushed me even a little, I would have to reveal the whole thing. I felt on the edge of a cliff. One look or word from him would push me off. I'd be out of this school, out of luck, out of ideas. A cold shadow crossed my mind that if I didn't escape through this school, I'd be good as dead and if I died no one would even know or care. I shuddered.

"Thank you for answering, Star. That's very good. Now... you've been through so very, very much. You've been very brave, and as you say, you've been doing all right on your own. But I wonder if you would not care to stay here, even on a... trial basis." I wasn't sure if I appreciated the way he spoke as if to a particularly skittish horse; however, I couldn't exactly blame him either

"I'm not sure if it's a good idea." I didn't know if I meant it. I didn't know what I wanted.

"And yet you did come here. You sought us out. There must be some part of you that desires a bit of help. We all need a little help, sometimes."

"I don't have any money." I said instead of answering.

"There is assistance for students who need it, Star," Hank spoke up. "But really we should let your foster parents know you're safe, use the money from the state. We have contacts in the--"

_"NO!_ " I said emphatically. I raised my voice only slightly, but we'd been talking so quietly it was loud in the room. The 'no' hung there awkwardly a moment. If they called my foster parents, if they found out my history as a runaway, if they found out I wasn't who I said, I would be back to square one. I knew my records were sealed without certain approvals due to who my parents were; I didn't think there was any way for him to find out the truth about me if he respected my wishes not to call my foster parents. I didn't even remember their name. "No one can find out I'm here."

"Star," Professor Xavier said reluctantly. "It's much better to work within the system--"

"Then I leave. It's settled." If they found out the truth I was as good as gone anyway. "I have my reasons, I assure you, professor." At least I could be convincing on that count.

"Very well, Star, at least for the moment, I promise to keep your presence here a secret." It wasn't the first time, it wouldn't be the last that a young mutant came here with a clouded history and a desire for anonymity. "Will you agree to stay here for at least a little while?"

"Okay," I said, shaking inwardly. _Weak,_ my voice said emphatically. _Liar._ I'd missed something he'd said. "What?"

"Very routine, I assure you." I shrugged, agreeing to whatever he'd suggested.

"First. Is there anyone you can think of who might want to harm you?" I frowned, surprised at the track his questioning took.

"No. No one cares anything about me." He looked pained, glancing at Hank, who's lips tightened. This was also probably nothing new to them. Rejection, they understood. Abandonment was par for the course. I was relying on it.

"I see. Is there any family or friends that might want to know where you are that I can contact?"

"No."

"Are you sure? If there's--"

"I'm sure."

"All right. Now I must ask for a promise from you instead of an answer my dear. You must promise me to never use your powers under any circumstance until I am there to help you. Will you give me that promise?"

"Professor--" I bit my lip. "I never want to use my power again. Ever. Please don't ask me to."

"This may be something we discuss later, Star. For now, I'm sure you'd like a chance to clean up and get settled into a room. Would you?"

"Professor--" My face flushed red hot. "I don't have any other clothes besides these. I mean, I used to, but now... I... um, don't."

I saw his chest rise and fall in a gentle sigh, and his eyes filled with pity or compassion. "It's quite all right, my dear. We can accommodate you. Hank will see to it. All right?"

"Right." I'm a coward; I am weak. I started to cry.

It's not like I never cry; I cry all the time. Given a month, I've cried probably an average of 68% of the days. I'm close to tears at any given moment when I'm _not_ crying. I feel everything, and I'm a freaking mess, you know this about me already. It's not like I hadn't cried in a long time, either, I'd cried earlier that day.

It was just that the tears were an honest and true and vulnerable thing about me and they couldn't even understand it right because of my lies. That was the thing that got me. When they were trying to comfort me, that thing itself injured me. My chest and stomach hurt from it, and I wrapped my arm around my middle, just trying to hold myself together. I pulled my hood down again, using my sleeve to wipe my face.

"Here my dear." Like, literally he handed me a handkerchief. I glanced at him, feeling all this grief and desolation and bleakness instead of the satisfaction and relief I thought I'd be feeling at this point. What is it called when something terrible happens, out of your control, that you can't ever, ever fix or make right? Regret. Something like that, painful and hot like shame. I saw him wince and I wiped my face, getting myself under control.

I glance up at the professor, wondering if he'd kept his word on not reading my thoughts, wondering if I'd feel it if he did. I'm not 100% on how his powers work. Probably 30%, as low as 23%. There's been a lot of speculation and hearsay, and a few true things he said himself. He can read minds, direct thoughts, project his own thoughts. That one's a maybe. I definitely think he can affect memories too because there have been a few people humans and mutants who have been with him when stuff goes down with Magneto or whatever and they can't remember it. There's sometimes a rumor about a machine that makes him stronger, but that could be nonsense. I didn't know anything about the emotional part until he told me, but it makes sense. It makes sense that he'd get the feelings along with the thoughts but that must really suck sometimes. How on earth do you deal with everyone's stupid feelings when I can't even deal with my own? I felt a pang of sympathy for him and I saw him draw back a bit.

"Are you all right, child?" He gave me a searching look.

"I don't think my parents would like it if they knew I was here. And my foster parents might be a little worried, I don't know. I guess I feel guilty." I did feel guilty.

"I see. You're in a rough spot. But I believe you're in the right place if that makes you feel any better."

"It kind of does. Thanks." I'd stopped crying but the ache in my chest and it started to grow again. I should have lied and said that was my superpower, crying all the time. Would not have been hard to fake. I could flood the school like Alice in Wonderland.

"I'll look in on you later if it's all right."

"Yeah. Okay."

"Come on Star. I'll show you." Hank grabbed my backpack. He looked at Xavier and raised his eyebrow, but Xavier just shook his head a little. I was curious and annoyed but probably it was something you had to get used to, like someone speaking a foreign language around you. Hank smiled down at me.

"Just wondering his opinion on where to put you, Star, no worries. I was thinking about putting you in the dorm so you could meet some people before class, but now we're thinking it'd be better to put you in a guest room for now. Just for a while. Okay?"

Surely that wasn't all they'd communicated, or they would have just said it out loud, but I only nodded in agreement. They could put me in a freaking closet and it would be better than what I usually had. I grabbed my dirty backpack and with a tentative smile waved at Professor X and turned to Hank.

I followed him back out into the entrance area of this giant mansion. So actually we went up the grand staircase by the glass window that was so pretty and it was this moment where maybe I did feel a little bit happy and hopeful because I'd spent months looking at the window in pictures and now I was actually here and seeing it, which is kind of awesome even when you're heartbroken. Hank took me to this hallway full of rooms and opened the door two down from the stairs. There were multiple doors down the hallway, but it felt like it wasn't really in use. It's not like it was dusty, everything was immaculate, but the sounds echoed.

Hank gestured that I could put my things down. The room was just _pleasant_ with a large window looking out at the grounds. There was a small bathroom with a shower, all my own. A twin sized bed, small dresser and closet, and a little desk. It was not spacious or anything but it was really just comfortable looking, warm and jewel tones.

Hank was watching for my reaction and I was tempted to pull my hood down, just feeling like I'd exposed myself enough crying, but there was going to be enough walls between us from my lying, so I tipped my head up and looked at him and let him see that I was grateful and relieved.

He smiled. "Well. I'll let you settle in. Listen, if you want to go look around the grounds later or whatever that's fine, but let me know. I can get someone to show you around. There are a few places off limits to students and visitors, okay? Not safe." I nodded that I understood, but I wasn't planning on going anywhere. "Okay, good. Probably tomorrow we'll set you up for classes to see how you like them and what you need and stuff. What-- what classes were you taking in your last school?" I caught an inflection change in his voice mid-sentence like he'd changed his wording. I hated feeling like I was being tip-toed around but I was the one bawling my eyes out two minutes ago, so.

"I can't-- I can't remember. It's... I haven't been to school in a while." In all my eagerness to get back to school, I guess I hadn't really considered how far behind I must have fallen.

"Okay, no problem. I can probably make a records request. What was the name of your school?"

"I'm not sure." A sick feeling clenched in my stomach.

"Were you mainstream?" Most mutants were-- albeit usually in secret. 

"Community had a private school, of course. I did some online stuff the first time they kicked me out. Then when I was put in foster care and my parents were arrested I was mainstream, but then there's the law that my caregivers and schools have to be given notice that I have contact with dangerous mutants. I missed a lot of school, switching foster families. Did some independent courses but not for a while."

"We won't worry about it for now, then. Maybe later I can dig around, I won't have to contact anyone; I'm pretty good with a computer. In the meantime, I'll come up with a schedule. You'll love it, it will be so fun to get back to school, okay?"

"Thanks." I swallowed. "Please, Hank, I don't want anyone to know I'm here." Going back to foster families or back on the street just couldn't be an option and I had a feeling that once they knew the truth about me Hank and the professor wouldn't be so inclined to protect me and keep me here.

"Easy, Star," he said, taking in the intensity of my anxiety. "You're safe here with us, I promise. I'm going to go get you some clothes so you can freshen up if you want. 

"What like you have some laying around?"

"Sure. Be prepared."

I laughed a little and it made him smile slightly. There was more to the school than what was in my notebook, I realized. It was cool of them to have clothes for kids and whatnot. "So what, you guys are boy scouts or something?"

"Or something. Sorry, I'm great with computers but horrible with guessing games. What size are you?"

I told him, kind of embarrassed because I had lost weight while I was homeless and I didn't like someone even asking but it's not like he had a choice.

Hank tells me he'll be right back and I pick up my backpack from this chair he'd set it on and make sure it hadn't left any dirt marks. I set it on the bed and when I unzip it there's the smell of everything, this faint whiff of home like chocolate and laundry detergent and my family and dirt (because of the plants). And the smell from the street like all this nasty cooked food and bathrooms and grime and it smells hard and scary.

I pull out my jacket, in reasonable condition. The chocolate bar, I could smell it through its wrapper. I breathe it in a moment, allowing for the indulgence of wondering where my parents were and what they were doing at that moment. If they ever wondered the same thing about me, where I was and what I was doing. If maybe they'd written to me while I was on the streets and I didn't know it, they were worried about me, trying to find out where I was no matter how hard it was in prison. _No. They stopped caring a long time ago,_ I firmly reminded myself.

There's my notebook with all my notes and research on Charles Xavier and the school, thick with articles I taped in it, stuff I drew. Notes on mutants that are known to come and go here, a few more famous students, that kind of thing. I'd started making it after I had the idea to try and live here, mostly from resources at the library. I'd spent a lot of my time there, where it was at least temperature controlled and they had computers and books, something to do.

I pulled out the rest of the contents of my back, picking through to throw away garbage. A dead walkman I hadn't listened to in months with a mixtape someone at my old school made me. Krisma. She had a thing with charm, you know, with getting people to like her and do what she wanted. She was really nice to people, you know? Like probably only half of it was her mutation and the rest was just learning what made it work best was being nice. I think that her mutation just gave her kind of like, permission or something, to be nice and it was just as much the niceness as the power that people responded to. She hadn't tried to contact me after I left, though, or later after the thing with my parents. I liked the music, though.

My dad's watch, way too big for me to actually wear. An old ring of my mom's, not valuable, she said her mom gave it to her for her 16th birthday; I thought it was rose gold, that would have appealed to her and she let me have it when I liked it when I was eight and it only fit my thumb. A stupid stuffed animal I had since I was a baby. A bar of soap, like, $10 in change. A hygiene kit from one of the shelters, a hairbrush and rubber bands, a pretty much empty blue nail polish bottle, a box cutter, a paperback _Pride and Prejudice_ with the cover torn off. One change of clothes. I wish I could tell you about something in there really awesome and valuable, but there's nothing like that. Pitiful. Just staring at all of it, like, so worthless and pointless I could throw it all away and not really be much worse off, made my chest constrict again. I feel sensitive to everything as if my skin has been peeled off, I'm vulnerable and afraid. The streets sucked but at least I'd had some control, or at least the illusion of it.

I opened the closet and hung up my jacket and put everything back in more organized, leaving the notebook and paperback on the desk. I curled up in the desk chair facing the big window. I pushed my hood back, finally, breathing in fresh air. I was kind of sweaty and wet from crying so hard, my brown hair was plastered to my face and neck. I pulled my long braid forward so it didn't make my back itch and just kind of watched the students on the grounds kicking a soccer ball around, without thinking much of anything.

Hank tapped on my door and didn't come in until I called to him. He was carrying a laundry basket with some neatly folded clothes. To my acute embarrassment, even underwear but I wasn't complaining.

"Yeah," Hank said, setting the basket on my bed. "Some of these might not work. You'll just have to try them on."

"Tha--" my thanks choked off in a whisper. I didn't start crying again, thank heaven, but I couldn't speak, pressing the back of my hand to my nose.

Hank pulled a shirt that had come unfolded and refolded it without looking at me. "Chin up, Star. It will get better from here. You're safe."

"Yeah."

"Yeah." He nodded. "Oh. Here are some shampoo and things." He pointed them out where he'd set them by the clothes on the bed. "You can keep those. There should be towels and whatnot in the bathroom. Dinner's in two hours, downstairs and to the left, just follow the noise. If you need anything, just come downstairs. My office is three doors down from the professor's."

"Okay. Thanks again." He closed the door softly behind him. I leapt up and grabbed the shampoo, conditioner, and soap he'd brought.

I don't know if anything felt better than that hot shower; I think I cried, but that shouldn't be surprising. I washed my hair three times, watching the dirty water disappear down the drain, struggling not to hope too hard that my life on the streets was behind me. There were even disposable razors in the shower; I shaved three times, leaving knicks all over my legs and even under my arms but I couldn't even care. When I was done, the towels were pretty soft and smelled clean and putting on clean clothes was maybe the nicest feeling I'd had in a hundred years, everything seemed worth it.

I sat at the desk and brushed my hair a long time, getting out all the tangles that I usually ignored and tamed it into a braid. My hair is kind of stupid; it's not really curly or straight, just these stupid waves that don't behave. It's an indifferent brown color, super long at the moment since I haven't had a haircut in years.

The sun was getting low and my stomach grumbled but I was reluctant to leave my warm and safe and clean room-- and more than a little anxious to walk into a situation where I knew no one. I crawled into the bed. It had been so long since I slept in a bed. I'd read books where characters couldn't sleep in beds after sleeping on a prison floor too long or something, but I guess I wasn't to that point yet because it was really comfortable. A tiredness beyond sleepy pulled at me, a relaxation of all the fear and tension and anxiety I'd been holding all day. I was here. _Safe._

The grounds were empty now. Students were probably getting dinner. Faintly I could hear people coming and going downstairs, teachers and staff that lived in Staff quarters in the main house, but no one came down the hall where I was. Maybe it was all for guests and I was the only one? It gave me an eerie, lonely feeling, as if I were a ghost or invisible here.

The sun sets and it's getting dark before I know it. Living on the street had given me the ability to endure boredom and unending stretches where I didn't talk to anyone or do anything. I had learned to let time pass for its own sake; no other priority or agenda, just let the day be done, then let the night pass. It had put me in my own head a lot, the first appearance of the mean voice that often told me how horrible I was, how horrible life was. The voice came from a dark place within me, I recognized that. I hugged my knees and sat on my bed and watched the darkness fall outside, thinking, _Let it come. I've faced dark things before. I do not fear it._

But you know, I think I did. I did, a bit.

There was a tap on the door, very gentle, and I realized I was sitting in the dark; I hadn't turned on the lamp or ceiling light. I uncurled, my legs half asleep, and found the switch for the desk lamp before limping over to the door.

Professor X was there, a plate of cheese pizza on his lap. "You weren't at dinner. I thought you might be hungry."

I rubbed my arms, feeling kind of exposed or vulnerable without my hoodie on; it was in a heap with my other clothes in the corner, and my hair was pulled back away from my face. "Thank you," I whispered. He handed me the plate and I set it on the desk and pushed the door open a bit more. "You can come in. If you want." If felt _so_ weird that someone, like, pretty famous, almost everyone would recognize him on the street, had brought me pizza. I am amazed at my own audacity.

There wasn't a lot of room, and I was worried he was just coming in to be polite. For heaven's sake, he was the headmaster of a giant school of adolescent mutants and you know, whatever extra stuff he had going on, he was in the news for heaven's sake. But he came right in like he'd been planning it and didn't seem bothered much by the tight quarters.

"Professor?"

"Hmm?" He was swinging his chair around to face the room.

"I just wanted to say, um, thank you for letting me stay here. I don't think I told you, earlier. So. Thank you." I reached back and pulled the rubber band out of my hair, just so something could cover the red splotches on my neck a little.

"You're quite welcome." His eyes were vividly blue even in the dim light, piercing me through. I returned his gaze, studying his face, knowing I probably wouldn't have the privilege of seeing him much after tonight. I was beginning to learn that he always seemed to be a bit pensive, his brow in a constant furrow, his eyes thoughtful and serious.

"Star there's a reason why I came to visit you." I tucked my legs under me in the chair and waited, my heart pounding. "I have considered waiting a few days, but... I feel that the information I need from you might be important." I nodded but was filled with a sickening sense of dread; of fragility. Again the feeling as if I were standing near a cliff and the wind had picked up.

"You're frightened."

I nodded slowly.

"Why, precisely?" I drew back. I was expecting him to tell me there was nothing to be afraid of, to continue with his inquiry.

"I guess lots of reasons, Professor," I say slowly, trying to understand exactly what information he was trying to get at.

"I feel like I might be able to alleviate one of your concerns. Star, are you very familiar with the mutant ability of telepathy?"

"A little? I had a friend... I mean I knew this guy at my other school. He couldn't read minds, like, thoughts. But if someone was thinking toward him? If that makes sense? He could see, kind of images, or memories. He told me about it."

"Yes, that's very good. My powers work a little differently. You asked me if I would read your mind, and I told you I would not. But I don't always need to read someone's mind to know what they are thinking. As I told you, with your emotions in such... turmoil when you came here, it was not difficult, in fact impossible for me to not know what you were feeling." He was watching me, gauging my reaction. I swallowed but did not say anything. "One thing I learned from the way you were feeling, Star, is that you were keeping something from me."

I slowly sat up straighter and he held up a calming hand. "Star, everyone keeps information from people they don't know well. It's very normal. Even those I know well are not always entirely honest with me." He looked down, an expression of pain crossing his face briefly. I was intrigued to learn this about him; for all his mutant abilities, which were significant, he couldn't always hide his own feelings. "I don't fault you for it, or expect you to tell me anything you don't want to. I'm not here for that, my dear. However, there's another aspect to my gift that I want to tell you about."

I was trying to pay attention to him while swallowing my fear and panic, noting that he had called me _my dear,_ which strangely pained me. I was so close to disclosing everything, but my fear was a vice on my heart and a hand across my mouth. I said nothing but waited for him to continue.

"I'm afraid what I want to tell you is not widely known outside of a limited circle, and I very much debated telling you. But I trust you, Star. I can sense in you a goodness and a kindness that I do not think will fail that trust." Tears suddenly stung at my eyes, but I blinked them away. "I have an ability to sense other mutants, Star. It's part of why I built this school; to find mutants and assist them as they needed guidance with their differences."

"You know when someone is a mutant?" I said weakly.

"Under specific circumstances, the answer is yes. I must ask you to keep that information between us, do you understand?" I nodded.

"It's not an easy task, it requires a certain level of concentration. Star, the day your parents were arrested, I was looking for mutants that might need our... assistance when the Mutant Response Task Force was sent in. At times we work with the task force to try and prevent the loss of life we saw that day, for both humans and mutants."

"What do you mean, you work with them?" I stood suddenly. The Mutant Response Task Force had taken my parents and I'd never heard from them again. I didn't even know where they _were._

"In an effort to prevent harm to mutants, I have an agreement with some members of the task force that they will allow us to assist in reigning in mutants that pose a threat to life. In this case, they had to act quickly when things escalated and we... that is, my team... weren't there, Star. We weren't with them that day when those people died and your parents were arrested."

"Is that suppose to make me feel better?"

"Yes, I hope it does. I want to be honest with you. We failed you by not anticipating more accurately that Mannik and the others were ready to make good on their threats. I'm sorry." He was watching me and he really did seem sorry, and it's not like I could be upset; I wasn't there either, not that I could have done anything. I sat down, wilting.

"I miscalculated. That happens sometimes. I knew little about the mutants there; I still know next to nothing. Since we were not a part of helping to stop it, the Task Force has not been forthcoming about what happened that day. I only know what I've been told." He sighed deeply when I didn't respond, my hope sinking that he would be able to tell me where my parents were. "To be quite honest, I didn't consider them a threat to anyone."

"You were wrong." Mannik was dangerous. People had died.

"Quite. They were more organized than I anticipated, and more willing to put their words into actions. And I've been thinking about that a bit. I believe that something incited them to act that day. Did your parents mention anything to you that might indicate what that was?"

I scoffed. "No, they didn't say anything to me."

"Yes, that's been on my mind as well. It made me very thoughtful of why your parents behaved in the manner that they did, leaving you alone. And I very much wonder, Star, why I did not see you when I was looking for mutants that day."

I didn't want to admit I lied to him, and I was only 13% sure of where he was going with all this. "My parents weren't exactly proud of my mutation, Professor. I told you, they weren't as fanatical as Mannik. They wanted to enact political change, not kill people. I don't know why they went along with Mannik, they didn't tell me, maybe they didn't know. Maybe something changed once they got there. Anyway. It's why they left me behind. I don't know why you didn't see me." I muttered this last sentence.

"I think you do."

I positioned myself so I was hugging my knees and rested my chin on them, desolation stealing over me. "Just say it, Professor, please."

"I'd much rather you tell me."

"All right. I lied about my mutation." He leaned forward, tilting his head, but did not answer, just looked kind of intent and sad and firm. "The truth is, I'm nothing. I have nothing. Dr. Minde told my parents I had certain genetic markers for mutation but that I would never manifest anything. Like two brown eyed people getting a blue-eyed child, he told me. The truth is, I'm no one. I'm not special in any way. I'm garbage that no one wants." This came out more angrily than I had intended, and he drew back, but he was being completely still, like I'd surprised him somehow. "I don't belong with humans, I was raised as a mutant. I don't belong with mutants because I'm a sap." Angry and anxious tears prickled at my eyes _again_. I was so angry I hadn't even lasted a day. _Worthless. Stupid. Inept._

"Sap?" He picked that out of my confession to question, it seemed absurd.

"Like as in homo sapiens, it's what Community calls people like me. I have no powers, no gifts, nothing. I came here, Professor, just wanting to go to school because the humans won't let me learn in theirs. I came here because I have no home, no family, no future, no hope." I choked on the last word, I couldn't find it, could not finish it, it came out a soft cry. "I thought it might be different, here."

"My dear." He said so quietly I wasn't sure if I'd heard him, and I wiped my eyes as best I could but all I felt was utter desolation. He wasn't crying, but his eyes had the redness, the beginning of it. "Thank you for telling me the truth."

I just started crying, like, actually sobbing, but there was a difference this time. I couldn't stop it. It was out of control, all the grief and fear and nerves and excitement and being tired and being scared but relieved, it was like an emotional tsunami. I was drowning in my sorrow and ruined hope. It was overwhelming, as if everything I'd been feeling for months hit me all at once.

"Star, calm your mind," Xavier said in a commanding voice. I felt it then for the first time, his presence in my head, but more like, standing in the doorway, gentle but not intruding, not forceful. He was radiating feelings of comfort, of peace, of calm, it was the most bizarre thing that had ever happened to me. Something that usually only happens within you, still within you, but coming from outside you, it was so strange. My head swam and I almost fell off my chair like an idiot, but he grasped my shoulder and then I was looking right into his eyes. I was still crying without the sobbing and he raised his eyebrows, asking me for permission.

I drew back away from him, physically, but he held out a hand to calm me, and his expression told me I had nothing to fear. I could not relax my body but nodded slightly. It was pointless at this point to evade him-- he already knew what I most feared he would learn. He raised his hand to his head, and still very gently I felt his presence in my mind but _more_ like someone tightening a grasp-- it was as if someone reached out and caught a vase falling ten stories toward the concrete. Instead of breaking, shattering, my mind felt steadied. A gentle, firm, kind grip and I then I was in a secure place, a safe place, no harm was meant for me, only kindness, only compassion. _Calm your mind, Star._ I heard but did not hear, like remembering it, it sounded in my mind and this time I could; this time the breath that I could not catch I finally caught. Again I breathed, and again, and my tears and storm of emotion calmed. I felt him withdraw and again felt a wave of dizziness and his hand to steady me.

"Now." His voice was very quiet. "Are you all right?"

"No." I breathed again. "I don't know. Maybe."

"I told you I wanted to alleviate one of your fears, Star. The fear you have that I would find out your secret and banish you from here. That won't happen. In fact, my dear I can tell you a few compelling reasons why I must ask you to stay even if you change your mind and the school doesn't end up being what you hoped it would be."


	3. Chapter 3

I don't say anything. A part of me feels relieved, but I'm afraid. And despite what he said, I can't quite believe that he would let a human stay in a school for mutants. It's not like I think he's lying about it, I just don't trust it either.

"Star... have you been... in any kind of contact with anyone from your home? With any of those who follow Mannik?"

"No. After Dr. Minde told Mannik I didn't have any powers and never would, Mannik told my parents it would be best if I leave Community entirely, and said I would not be allowed back to the school. Pretty much no one talked to me after that except my parents." 

I'd tried at first, acting like nothing was out of the ordinary. But no one talked to me, and in a tight-knit small town like Community, it was sickening, made my stomach hurt, made me anxious. I started thinking that I deserved their anger and apathy and it was easier to just stay home. Just thinking about it made me squirm; I had very little to recommend me here, I knew that. It could be a repeat of Community.

"How did your parents respond to that?"

I rubbed my eyes and I wasn't going to answer him. "Professor, does this have anything to do with why you think I should stay here? Because I really hate talking about my parents." One.

"I am sorry, my dear, but it does have very much to do with that. I would spare you by reading your mind if I thought it best and you permitted me, but I find that communication of information is better than the extraction of it. However, it is not my intent to cause you pain."

"Okay." I hugged my knees, knowing my relationship with my parents wasn't going to work as a big secret. It was just somewhat humiliating. "Right, well, Dr. Minde suggested I take a break from Community, to give everyone some time to adjust. He said I might be better off with people more like... that didn't have mutation powers. Since I was raised in Community, he thought I should see what the wider world was like and my parents thought it might be a good idea. I went to a private boarding school; I think Dr. Minde paid for it himself."

"What was your experience."

"I was homesick. I wanted to go home. I wanted my parents. I didn't even see them in all those months, only Dr. Minde."

"They must have been eager to have you home? You went back to Community."

"Yeah. Maybe. It was pretty much like we had become strangers. Things weren't the same." That was certainly true; we were already at two truths. How did he manage to draw it out of me that way? I had to be more careful. "I was a stranger to them. I guess a lot of human parents go through it when they find out their kid's a mutant, yeah? Only for them, it was the reverse. I told them I wanted to stay, though. I thought things would get better. What else could I have said, Professor? I don't even know anyone but mutants. I don't think they had any plan if I said leave, either. But I wanted to stay. I thought they wanted me to stay.

"How did they react? Pretty much I became the pain of their existence. They didn't want me for who I was anymore, yet they cared about me as their child and were willing to disobey Mannik to keep me around. They were stuck with me." I felt myself starting to get choked up again, but it was easier to steady my emotions. "They looked at humans as dangerous and oppressive. I was the living embodiment of something they hated, or at least resented, but they had loved me before that. Didn't they? Or they only thought they did?"

Xavier processed this a moment as I got myself together again. I wasn't going to be ashamed for crying about them. I told him. I had told him I hated it.

"How confident were they that you are not a mutant, Star?"

"I have the x-gene. But Dr. Minde did all kinds of tests on me." I said this quietly and did not try to keep my feelings of revulsion and distaste and fear and humiliation from him.

"Don't ask me about that!" I said forcefully. He lifted his chin a little and nodded, closing his eyes, a promise not to push it.

"I'm sorry you're going through this. That you went through all of that." He said softly.

"It's fine." And a lie. It hardly hurts this time.

"Have your parents contacted you?"

"No."

"But you said you moved around a lot. There's a chance they tried and were unsuccessful. Or prevented in some way. Is there not?"

I wiped away a couple of tears, but this was an old pain, now, the least of my worries. This was a pain with picked at scabs and an almost comforting familiarity, a sore in your mouth you just kept re-injuring by accidentally biting it. I shrugged in answer to his question, not even capable of lowering my defenses enough to hope. I supposed there was a chance. "You said you worked with the task force before. Do you know where they keep people? Do you know where my parents are?"

"No, our working relationship doesn't allow me that type of information, Star, I'm sorry. I am trying to find them, however, and promise to tell you if I find anything."

"I thought you had a thing for finding mutants. What, like they can block you?"

"Oh, yes. Particularly at a distance."

"Oh." I wondered if some of my current emotional turmoil was pain from that, that he couldn't find them. It was hard to tell. I hadn't come here to find them, hadn't thought of it as a possibility. No, it was fine.

"I'm afraid I have a few more questions of a personal nature. Did you make any friends on the streets, any that might alert others of your coming here?"

"No." Images flashed through my mind of the dirty, dark, scary places I'd stayed. The city had a large homeless population, and it was almost its own civilization and culture. I kept to myself; many of the others were dangerous and there was no way to know by looking. Some were regular saps with sap problems (like me, I suppose). There were lots of mutants, those, also like me, who hadn't been able to find a place in the world, rejected, abandoned, exploited or seeking to exploit themselves. Some were harmless but didn't want to be approached, some were criminals, addicts; the violent, the afflicted, the dark souls. I was so afraid of being abused or sold into slavery or killed. I found abandoned buildings and kept to myself, especially at night, and floated between libraries and public parks during the day.

Xavier wasn't in my mind, exactly, but he must have had a finger to my pulse so to speak because I glanced at him and he was watching me with his strange, intense pity.

"Another reason you should stay here for now. It's entirely unacceptable for you to be alone, unprotected, on the streets."

"I don't see why you should care when no one else does."

"I do care, though."

"You might now, but you won't for long, Professor." I leaned my head back against the chair. "I think maybe Dr. Minde was wrong about me."

"Oh? In what way?"

"He was wrong about me not having a manifestation of my mutation. I do. It's a magical ability that makes everyone who cares about me stop caring and leave me eventually. Have you seen that before? The power of repulsion. So far I've got a perfect record."

He frowned and shook his head. "You're merely a very troubled person, Star, who has been harmed by those who should have protected her."

"Don't... talk about my parents like that." It felt like my chest was squeezed so hard I suddenly couldn't breathe. Apparently, I did still care about them, and what others thought about them, not a revelation I was particularly happy about.

"Not them, Star. I wasn't talking about them," Xavier said quickly, touching my arm, and I felt the band on my chest loosen.

"They weren't perfect and maybe they didn't really love me, but they're the only people who ever tried after knowing the truth," I said, still kind of breathless. It was, perhaps, (and I knew) a pointless and stupid loyalty. I had often thought, myself, that they should have done more to take care of me after Dr. Minde realized I was powerless. But to hear someone else say it, confirm it, I suddenly realized how much I didn't want that to be true, couldn't stand to have someone think of it as true, though I couldn't account for the strength of my feelings.

"I know." He looked down and didn't say anything for a while. "And that's another reason to keep you here, Star, to show you there are people you can trust, even mutants."

"I came here to pretend I was a mutant because that's who I grew up with. It's who I am, even if I don't have any special powers or look different. I just want o get an education and move on with my life! But I don't have to trust the other students."

"I agree that you must keep your non-powered state a secret, though for a much different reason than yours. At present, it is to keep you safe from those searching for you until I am sure of their intentions.

I blinked, utterly confused. "Wait. What?"

"Star before you came here, I was searching for you."

"You were searching for me? A sap human?" I was baffled.

"You see Star I wasn't certain until you told me that you were a human. I thought perhaps part of your mutation made you difficult to detect."

A tremor shocked through me as I realized my mistake, something dark and cold like fear, dread, embarrassment, shame. "Then I should never have told you all that!"

"I think it's safe to say I would have found out relatively soon anyway, my dear."

"I don't understand. I don't understand. Why were you looking for me?"

"I have many connections in the mutant and human world, Star. And through those connections, it came to my attention that a young woman with mutant parents that members of Community were very interested in finding. When we investigated further, it was discovered that Community wasn't the only group trying to find you."

"Yout must be mistaken. I don't know what you mean. I don't know who you are talking about. Community never wanted me; they were happy when I left."

"Something changed their mind. I will attempt to be clear, though I don't have details yet myself. For some reason, a group of mutants called the Caretakers, a group Mannik has antagonized for years, has been trying to find you. Their interest and Community's, are not well understood. I understand that you went through multiple foster homes."

"Yeah." I flushed. "No one wanted me around for long."

"Actually, Star, I believe that had something to do with the Caretaker group. For some reason, they were keeping tabs on your whereabouts, and keeping that information from Community."

"That makes no sense."

"You certainly seemed to throw a wrench in their plans when you ran away, though. Neither group was able to find you, or me, for that matter."

"It's not like I was hiding. I didn't think anyone was looking for me or cared that I was gone."

"Star I think you are operating under many misapprehensions, and the idea that no one wants you or no one cares for you is one of them."

"No offense, Professor." I curled my legs up again. "You're wrong. I've been me a long time. I know how it ends. I know how it starts... like this. In all the schools and homes, and in Community, it started out nice and welcoming. But it always ends with me alone. You'll see."

"That's a belief I intend to vigorously challenge, Star," He answered quietly, his brow furrowed again. "But I must once again ask you to promise me something. You must not leave here, under any circumstances, without discussing it with myself or one of the other teachers I will introduce you to. It is imperative, Star, to your safety and the safety of many others."

"I don't have any intention of leaving professor. But... I still don't understand why anyone would be searching for me. I don't know anything. I don't have any mutations. I'm nobody."

"Whatever their reason, I'm sure they find it very compelling, Star I think it is indeed a very lucky thing that you chose to come here. Perhaps it was fate. I will do all within my power to keep you safe." He moved his chair back. "Now, my dear, I hope that we can be honest with each other from this point on."

"I'll do my best."

"Thank you. That is all I ask. Will you eat now?" I looked at the pizza. My appetite was gone, and I felt sick with nerves.

"I don't think I can."

"You should try."

"I don't want to."

"What do you want, Star?"

I hesitated. "I wish I could sleep. Just... a good night's rest. I haven't had one since I started living on the streets, and I just want to sleep, but I can't ever seem to settle my thoughts--"

"If you like I will help you fall asleep and sleep well tonight Star. Will you let me?"

I hesitated, but I did want the sleep, and the kindness he offered was almost like a drug to an addict, or food to someone starving. I wanted his kindness. Finally I nodded and I climbed into bed, my shoulders and neck aching from the tension of the conversation. He put his fingers to his temple again and closed his eyes. "Try to relax, my dear." He murmured. I closed my eyes, but my entire body felt like it was pulled tight like a string ready to break. "Calm your mind."

Then I felt him there, very gently, and this time, it felt as if I walked into my childhood bedroom, with all the smells and sights and sensations. My father was carrying me, my head on his shoulder, my body completely relaxed to the point I was nearly asleep. _Now little one,_ my father whispered. _Sleep well. Grow big, my small one._ In my memory, I was safe and content and loved and so peaceful and happy. Posey was there, and when Range put me in bed she smoothed the covers and pushed my hair out of my face. I felt... special. A part of me felt the pain and sadness at this memory, but muted, dulled and blunted. The other emotions, and the complete relaxation I felt, were much more strong, more powerful, and I felt so peaceful and relaxed that within moments, I was asleep.

... 

For once, it is a gentle thing that wakes me; not fear or noise or hunger, but just the light coming in the window. I was thinking about my parents. They were immediately in my mind like I had dreamed about them but I didn't remember dreaming at all.

I sat up, luxuriating in the warmth and comfort of the bed. It was the best night's sleep I could remember having. It was no doubt due to the Professor's influence but I thought that it was also due in part to the weight of lies being lifted off my shoulders. He knew what I was and he was okay with me staying here. Sure it was partially because of some randos looking for me, but I would take it.

It's weird, what he told me about the Caretakers and Dr. Minde looking for me. I pulled out my notebook and wrote the name down with a question mark. I felt a snake of fear go down my spine, but at least I was safe here. Saps and mutants alike knew not to mess with the school. There were powerful mutants invested in its protection, and the Professor knew government people who had an interest in its survival. I don't know all the details.

It was close to eight in the morning on a Saturday. I took another shower for the heck of it and got dressed. I put my hair in its braid and somehow the act grounded me. I'm still me. My hair is still stupid, I'm still a wreck that will probably alienate anyone that I will ever meet. My life is definitely still in shambles and my prospects are limited, it's true. But those prospects _do_ include breakfast and I'm clean and wearing clothes that don't smell like a hotdog stand and that was something. It was.

There are a few students coming and going, but none of them pay me any mind, barely bothering to look at me. I'm 42% ready to go back up to bed, not sure if I'm really willing to face other students just yet, but I am hungry and it's not something I can just put off anyway. I feel self-conscious now in the clothes they gave me. Would the other students recognize them for what they were? They were fairly generic, could have come from the local Walmart or second-hand store. I feel my anxiety edging upward. I wiggle my toes, reminding myself that I'm wearing clean socks; that's certainly better than living in an abandoned and condemned condo building, even if I didn't have to talk to anyone.

_Quit being such a loser,_ I told myself acidicly. Pathetic. 

I made my way to the kitchen and looked around, and there was a tall woman, probably close to 6 feet tall, with a white apron on banging some pots and pans around and stirring some scrambled eggs. My stomach growled. There were three other students there, already eating, two of them chatting with each other. None of them spoke to me.

"Star." The tall woman was looking right at me. Startled, I just nodded. "Sit yourself down."

So I did.

"Eggs? Bacon? Orange juice, toast?" She listed off.

"I um, don't always eat meat ma'am," I said, tucking my hair behind my ear.

"That's just fine. You need some meat on your bones, though, let me add a little cheddar to your eggs, it will taste really yummy."

"That would be amazing, thank you." I tucked my arms around me and watched this lovely giant (to me, anyway, I'm only 5′5″) cook breakfast. As she did, like three people came in, got a plate, and left, taking the food with them. Two looked at me and were friendly-ish, the other didn't even glance over at me. It seemed like most people here kept to themselves.

She set the food in front of me, turned the heat on the pan down really low, and pulled out a stood on the side of the table closest to me, not across from me.

"Bet," she said. "On account of me having a lucky streak." She had pale blond hair the color of straw and cornflower blue eyes, a pretty face, a smattering of freckles. She looked to be kind of old like Hank, in her thirties, but pretty. Her body was full and strong in a way mine would never be.

"Lucky?" I started shoveling the eggs in my mouth, cooked perfectly, not dry or greasy.

"Yep, that's right. You stay by me and things will go your way."

I chuckled. "They already are Bet. This is yummy, thank you." I felt something warm and gentle in my chest; gratitude. A simple act, being fed, but.

"Well, imagine a street kid having manners and all. Maybe it's my lucky day for once."

"Are you really? Lucky I mean?"

"Hank and the doc say I have a 'cognitive predisposition to an inference of seemingly arbitrary events.'"

"Oh! What's that mean?"

"Means I'm lucky, kid," She flashed me a grin I couldn't help but return. She sipped on a cup of hot chocolate and didn't seem too fussed that I didn't tell her what my powers were. "You're new."

"Do you ever ask questions?"

"Not regularly, kid. I like to contemplate and figure things out for myself. Don't like asking people to do what I know they need to do either, just my way. You can imagine yourself up any kind of please and thanks that will get it done if it helps you."

"I'm fine," I said, flashing her a grin of my own. I liked this brash, confident, kind woman. She winked.

"Then I imagine we'll get along just fine, Ms. Star." She kept chatting with me while I ate my breakfast; she just kept me company. When I was finished, she reached for my plate, but I pulled it toward me.

"There's not much I can do around here, but I can probably clean up after myself," I said, looking at her half apologetic and joking and half kind of pleading because I don't want to hurt her feelings but I really don't want her cleaning up after me either. It was hard enough letting her cook for me; I didn't want people doing things for me I could do myself, if I could help it. I didn't want to be a burden and I didn't want to lose my independence, so hard won.

"That's just fine, child," she replied, watching me. "You can just put your plate in that washer." I put my plate and cup away. _"Louise!!"_ She suddenly called and I dropped the saucer, shattering it. I get really red and bend down to clean it up. Bet looks down at me, surprised. "Sorry about that."

"What? Geeze, scare her half to death." A warm, rough voice speaks over my shoulder and I look up. There's this really, like, kind of ridiculously pretty girl close to my age I'd guess. She's a lot taller than me, lanky, drawn out like a cat, with flawless dark brown skin and wild, curling, amazing greenish-blue hair. Her eyes are the same startling color as her hair, and the effect of her physical presence and beauty leave me temporarily but utterly mute. She's just wearing a black t-shirt and jeans, but she's so lovely I instantly realize this girl is more beautiful than I could aspire to be in a thousand lifetimes. I reach for the shattered plate again.

"Now, don't, Star, don't I say! You're not wearing any shoes, you foolish girl, don't cut yourself." Bet was fretting and shooing me back. The mutant girl reached out a hand and I grasped it and she hoisted me to my feet and I felt in her grip and power and strength I'd never encountered in my life.

"Wow, you're strong," I said stupidly.

She laughed this golden laugh. "That's right. Star, is it?" I nodded. "Louise."

"Your name is Louise?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"That's me. Don't call me Lou." She didn't look bothered that I found her name odd, she just gave me a friendly, teasing smile.

Not... not odd. It suited her, somehow. Different. Warm. I dropped my eyes and looked down at Bet cleaning up the plate.

"I'm sorry, Bet--"

"Ha! I've broken more plates than you've looked at your whole life," Louise interrupted.

"It's okay, Star girl, you just scoot. I'll have you some lunch later, though, you hear? You need meat on your bones." She stood up, towering over me, but she smiled at me kind and gentle. "You go with Louise, now."

"Come on 'Star-girl,'" Louise says with a laugh; she spends laughs like pennies. I can tell by the little crows feet around her eyes that she spends a lot of time laughing and smiling and she wasn't like anyone I'd ever met before. "I'm supposed to take you to see Professor Xavier after you had breakfast."

"The Professor wants to see me?" I said, a tickle of anxiety squirming across my ribs.

"It's okay, you're not in trouble or anything," Louise said laughing. "They don't kick you out your first day for breaking a plate, you have to have been going here like a week." I smiled weakly. "He meets with all the new students, it's okay. Besides, it's just a pit stop. I'm supposed to show you around."

"Thanks. Thanks for doing that."

"Yeah, sure! Come on."

Despite what she said, and despite the kindness he showed me last night, I am nervous to see the professor. I hated any kind of attention like that and my neck started to burn before I even went in the door.

Louise plopped down in a chair outside the office and waved me in with a grin. I wonder if I'd ever be just as casually happy and carefree in my life. I knocked and turned the knob when I heard someone call to come in, unnerving me a bit; had he heard us or was it his powers?

"Hello Star," the professor greeted me. Hank was there as well and gave me a small smile hello. Seeing their warm and friendly faces relaxed me somewhat. "Have a seat."

"Hi," I said, curling up in the same comfy chair from the day before.

"I asked to see you this morning so I could give you your schedule for school," he began immediately and Hank reached for one of the papers on the desk and handed it to me. It was my class schedule, and I noticed the professor was one of my teachers. "And I have a few more clarifying questions for you." I frowned at that but nodded.

"Very good. First. Your classes. The young lady you've just met, Louise, if you are agreeable will show you around campus and where your classes will be. Also, she will be your roommate. Of course, if you are uncomfortable with her we can find other arrangements."

"No, um, she seems nice," I replied, my back itching. What if she didn't like me? No one at my other schools had. I hadn't thought of having a roommate.

Professor Xavier raised an eyebrow at me, no doubt sensing some of my fear and anxiety. "It will be quite all right, Star." He said quietly, compelled to try and comfort me when I was being stupid.

"Yes, sir. It's just, my experiences before..." I swallowed. He frowned briefly.

"I am aware that you may have experienced some backlash from your fellow students when you're status as a non-mutant was revealed to them." I closed my eyes a moment. "The Community teaches things differently than we do here, Star. I am confident that you will be able to find a place here and make friends. However, I have something to ask you that I'm afraid may fly in the face of that a bit." His accent soothed me but his words made me afraid.

"Sir?"

"Star... Last night you told me you didn't want the other students to know you are not a mutant. Given the fact that there are some very dangerous and determined mutants looking for you, I've thought that it might be safest for now if we continue the ruse that you are a mutant. I don't want you to think it has anything to do with a prejudice against your non-mutant status," he continued quickly when he saw my face fall. I had an inkling he thought I could not make friends here if it were known I was not a mutant. "But it is very unusual for a non-mutant to come here, and I'm afraid if word spread through the students there was one here, the Caretakers and Community may surmise your identity."

"I... I understand Professor Xavier, but I thought I... wouldn't have to lie." Of course, now I'm realizing this was very stupid of me. What had I thought? Now that the Professor knew the truth, we just wouldn't bring it up? Stupid.

"I comprehend perfectly your disappointment, my dear. I have tried to think of alternatives, and with help, we may be able to come up with a better solution. I have confidence that this is temporary." I nodded slowly. It was my idea in the first place, I couldn't be upset about it. He spoke carefully his next words. "I think perhaps, along with that, it may be best if you go by a different name. Star will be known to them."

"Louise already knows my name. And Bet."

"Yes, but it is not uncommon for students to take a new name when they enroll here if they have come from non-mutant households. It serves as a means to control their new identity as mutants. She will not wonder if you ask to be called something else."

"But Professor..." I felt a lump begin to swell in my throat, inexplicable. I had not cried for months about my parents, but something about being here made me weak and weepy. I tried to speak once, then twice, but it wasn't until the third time that I could get the words out. As much as I resented them, was I really willing to abandon the name they'd given me? "What if... uh, what if they, that is, my parents, are trying to find where I am? You know, like you said. If they've been trying to contact me."

The professor glanced at Hank, who shrugged and shook his head. "I'm sorry, my dear. I truly am. As soon as we have discovered more about those who are seeking you and why we will end the charades and you can simply be you. It does pain me a great deal to ask it of you, and I would not if I felt there was a better option."

I nodded in understanding, but my breakfast sat like a stone in my stomach, and I felt a sudden bubble of self-recrimination and dislike. This is what I had wanted, what I planned on, pretending to be a mutant here. There was no reason for me to be upset or resentful. I lifted my chin, forcing away my doubts.


	4. Chapter 4

My dad read his own father's western novels-- a genre rooted in the past, and far, far out of fashion now. But when I was little, when I was bored, I would read some of them, sometimes.

Aside from the fact that no one else I knew read them (I felt like it was a secret all my own, these stories, these books), there were things I loved about those books. The fact that there were these men and women who went into this kind of wilderness and they just carved out a living and a lot of them died and there's no one who knew where they went. Plenty of them probably had friends or family that wondered what happened and they never knew; maybe their horse ran away, or they got sick, or twisted their ankle; any small thing could get you killed. A lot of people went west and they died along the way, alone, or maybe someone gives them a quick burial. But it didn't keep people from going. They were brave. There's something about that I never get sick of reading about, even though it's a bloody and violent history it's also strangely beautiful as well.

The whole point of that is that... these men and women. They could leave the entirety of who they were behind and start new wherever they went. They sometimes did the outlaw thing then BAM, I'm sheriff now. Or whatever, just keep wandering around from Missouri to Wyoming, California, Oregon, whatever. You live this whole life, but you can live 10 or 15 different ones if you're smart and careful not to get killed one of a million ways. So they would just take on these new names like Shorty or Red or Bill, not even their real name or close to it, and people just accepted it.

Mutants are oddly like those westerners. I might not technically be one of them, but it's something I can appreciate about them. They're all a bunch of cowboys, living by a kind of code because the laws in place don't have great application or enforcement. There's always going to be those, like rustlers, that make problems. But there's more, right? That are there to carve a life, at a cost, for themselves and even more for those who come after them. So many of them are moving away from the past they don't want anymore, and toward a brighter future that they have to forge for themselves.

I'm one of the ones that would have died early on my travels, probably of dysentery. When you were a westerner, you had to do things well or die. If you're going to lie, lie well. Shoot-- shoot well. Punch cows, track game, hunt, built, all of it; do it well. I'm not on that level for anything. I'm tepid water. I spent my whole life waiting to become something amazing, only to find out I never would. Never even could. Like, all your friends are caterpillars, but you're just a worm or something. That's gross, though, forget I mentioned it.

But like those westerners and the mutants, I could pick a name now.

Star, the cosmic joke. I didn't know what else I was. I looked up at the Professor, asking me for a new name, one I didn't even know I wanted or needed.

"Do you know who Calamity Jane is, Professor?" I asked quietly. He tilted his head. "She was tough and strong, but she might have been a liar about some things. I don't know. I don't know. She knew how to take care of herself, and she was often alone, trying to fit into a world she maybe couldn't totally be a part of." He didn't answer me at all, just his brow furrowed like always, like I'm a sad puzzle. "Okay, yeah. Just call me Calamity then." I lifted my chin, decided. I was leaving behind my name. Who I was. What I became next remained to be seen, all I had to start with was a name.

He kind of smiled a sad smile, at least it didn't reach his eyes, but maybe he was thinking about something else. 

"We all want you to be safe and happy, Calamity. I will do whatever is in my power to do. But I might suggest that you take a moment to ponder your future. While it seems uncertain and perilous at the moment, it is yours to grasp and shape in whatever way you see fit."

That did make me feel better. I was getting the safety I'd hoped for, and now I could just be a teenager in school for a while. I gave him a small smile and nodded.

"With that in mind, I wonder if we should come up with a different explanation for your powers. It was wise to choose something that could not be readily displayed, but I'm afraid it would attract unwanted attention should it be widely known."

"Like what? I'm not the creative type."

"Emotional manipulation would be difficult to prove or disprove, especially in a novice," Hank put in.

"Fine, I guess." The reminder of my uselessness and need to lie deflated me a bit.

"You have many people here, teachers and fellow students, who will be happy to give you the home and friendship you have been missing. I promise you that." That made my throat ache again and I just nodded and gave him a thankful smile as I turned toward the door. Hank caught up with me as we waved good-bye to the professor. Hank and I stood in the hallway outside the professor's office.

"Calamity," he said with a little smile, trying out my new name. "You'll need to go to the clinic today for a checkup. It's something we do for all new students, to get a medical baseline. Dr. Grey will want to see you this afternoon around three, okay?" I looked up at him nervously.

"Actually, um... I'm not fond of doctors; do I have to? I'm fit as a fiddle."

"I wouldn't ask if it weren't important."

"I really don't want to."

Hank sighed and twisted his lips looking contemplating. "There's really no way around it, kiddo. We have to make sure you're safe and healthy. I promise you've got the best of the best. Dr. Grey isn't even usually here, you're kind of lucking out."

"Look I'm sure he is. It's not that. I just don't like doctors."

"I wouldn't push you if I didn't feel like I had to, Calamity. Trust me. Trust _us._ No one here will hurt you. If you are healthy, it won't even take an hour."

"All right," I said reluctantly. "Won't she know I'm not a mutant?"

"All the teachers will, actually. Dr. Grey is also Professor Grey, and all the teachers will kind of need to be in the loop on you. To keep you safe and all that."

"Right."

"It will work out. In a few days, you'll feel like this place has always been your home. Any questions or anything?" Hank gave me a bright smile of encouragement.

"Are there any students with... with powers like the professor's?"

"Some degree of telepathy is present among a few of the students, but hardly developed to a level you need to be concerned about."

"Is there any students who... you know... don't... like people like me? I mean non-mutants. If it ever comes out, you know, later, and then they think I was lying or something..." I looked around surreptitiously, worried that someone might overhear us.

"I don't know that I can speak to that, completely. I want to be honest with you. But I believe we will be able to explain things in a way that no blame will fall on you. I mean... despite your beginnings, none of what is happening now is really your fault, it's the Professor's idea. And... you know that nothing that happened before is your fault, right?"

I swallowed, my throat aching painfully. "Maybe. But others might not see it that way."

"Give us a chance, Calamity," he said calmly. "We may surprise you."

"Or maybe you're the one that will be surprised," I answered, watching his face carefully.

"Unfortunately, there's very little that surprises us anymore," he said, sharing another grin with me, as if we shared an inside joke. He paused, growing more serious. "Trust us, Calamity." I didn't answer and he turned and I followed him.

...

Louise took out her headphones as I walked out of the office, and grinned.

"You look like you got a lecture or something." She said observing my flushed appearance.

"Nah, he was pretty nice to me. He said I can go by my preferred name, Calamity."

"Ha!! That's awesome. Calamity, huh?" I smiled and shrugged.

"Do you think it's stupid?"

"No! It's great. I've heard stupid names, like Louise, and I didn't let that stop me from using it."

"Louise's not stupid!" I said, aghast. "Nothing about you can be stupid."

"Aww! You're a nice girl, you come stand by me." She said and grabbed my arm. I felt like a tiny, ugly ant next to this beautiful giant. Her teal hair flowed around her face and down her back, curling and beautiful like a mermaid's.

"I guess I will since Professor Xavier said we would be roommates?" I said doubtfully.

"Yeah, I know, cool, right? My last roommate graduated." She got really quiet for a minute. "So, yeah, it will be great. We'll have fun. Do you have a lot of stuff to get?"

"No." We walk to the stairs and she runs up them like she's done it a million times. We walk into the guest room I'd slept in and I put my stuff in my backpack, my dirty clothes included, and I get the stuff from the bathroom. Bent looks interested at first but her face gets kind of quiet as she realizes how little I have and how cruddy it is. My face fires bright red with embarrassment.

"So are you a runaway or something?"

"Um," I hadn't discussed this with the Professor, so I wasn't sure what to tell her. I guessed if I was supposed to keep my real name a secret, then I shouldn't be telling everyone who my parents were. "Nah, not a runaway exactly. My parents kicked me out." I kind of felt a sickness start in my stomach; it felt like I betrayed my parents a little when I lied. But I tried to tell myself I didn't owe them anything. It was their fault I was in this mess.

"Wow, that sucks! Sorry."

"Yeah. Thanks. The Professor is letting me live here now, and it will all work out, probably."

"For sure! This place is really great. You'll like it." She was studying me, though, and I found her scrutiny embarrassing and I felt sweat tickling my back. I hated to feel embarrassed.

"How'd you come here?" I asked her.

"I drove."

"Ha!"

"Just joking. Yeah, when my parents realized I was a bit of a freak, they researched and thought this was the best school and brought me here four years ago when I was 12. Before that, I went to regular school. I still see them on some weekends and holidays."

"Wow, that's good for you."

"Yeah."

"What do you.. like, do?"

"You already know, Calamity. I'm strong. Freakishly strong, and my hair and eyes look like this."

"You really are strong?"

"Yup. I could lift you over my head with one hand. Professor too. Just about anything."

"Wow, that's awesome, Louise." She shrugged and grinned.

"I've definitely heard of worse."

"And your parents were okay with everything?"

"Yeah, they were okay. They tried to dye my hair because elementary school kids don't typically have hair color normally reserved for clowns, but. They'll send me a package this week, and I'll share some of my mom's cookies with you. What about you?"

"I can manipulate emotions." I got really flushed. "But I'm not very good at it, and the Professor said not to do it. I've only ever done it and it hurt someone," I ad-libbed, afraid she would ask me for a demonstration.

She looked surprised, but shrugged. "I guess people will leave you alone then."

"Yeah. I guess. I hope so, but I really can't use it, it's pretty weak since I don't even like to practice."

She nodded, "That's fair. Come on, put those things on and let's go see our room."

We spent the next few hours before lunch messing around the campus and rearranging our room. She showed me where my classes would be and showed me places students weren't allowed.

"We can get into big trouble even trying to go in there," she said, showing me the stairs to the basement. "But there's tons of security so I doubt most kids could even get very far. Locks and cameras and all that."

Loiuse said there were about 75 students at the school. That blew me away since my old school at Community only had probably 20. She introduced me to about a dozen other students. They were all pretty friendly to me, not overly, but nice. Only a few asked what my power was, and six or seven of them showed me their powers. It gave me a kind of thrill, and happy, like I was around these really cool kids with powers I would never have but at least I was friends with them, or kind of, or would be sometime.

Maybe.

Okay actually probably not. Right? I'd thought I had friends before, but I was wrong then too. I told myself to get a grip and not get carried away.

Bet made us lunch in the house again, though Louise had shown me the kitchen in the dorm building. It was fully stocked with giant refrigerators and a huge pantry, and I guess it's where most students ate most of the time. Bet fed the teachers and staff and visitors and helped to run the other kitchen.

"You come here anytime, though." Bet said quietly to me. I smiled at her gratefully. She must have known I was nervous, I was having a hard time eating the sandwich she'd made me. "You doing okay, Calamity?" She said, testing out my name.

"She has to go to the doctor," Louise explained. "She doesn't like doctors."

"You're not the only one. Lots of kids come here like that," Bet reminded me soothingly.

The mutant x-gene was first discovered, the medical community kind of freaked out. There were some people that tried experimenting on carriers of the gene and on mutants, but after a few people died and someone wrote an expose comparing the whole thing to the Nazis, most of it stopped. There're laws against it, also because people don't want experiments making it worse or whatever. But still, some parents were asking for tests and treatments, just hoping for a miracle. Of course, there were weird people who did want their kids to be mutants, don't get me wrong. But most people were afraid of mutations. Afraid of their own kids and the unknown. Afraid for their kids that didn't have a place in culture or society yet.

"Yeah."

"Dr. Grey is nice. Try not to stress too bad," Louise said, watching me and sipping a soda. I just nodded. "Come one, I'll take you. I'll wait for you, okay? Just scream and I'll use my freakish strength to rescue you, no problamo." That got me to smile a bit and Bet waved me off of cleaning up. I gave her a thankful look; I had delayed just enough I risked being late and now I was anxious.

There was one set of stairs that went to the basement that didn't require a bunch of security clearance, and it leads straight to the clinic. It looked really fancy and new, not run down like the health clinic in Community where Dr. Minde was. There was a little waiting room where Louise plopped herself down and picked up a magazine, putting her feet on the table while I just moved around the clinic waiting room, examining everything.

"Hello Calamity." A soft voice said from the doorway. We hadn't even been there thirty seconds. I glanced at Louise and she grinned, winking in encouragement.

"Hi," I ventured.

"I'm Dr. Grey." She was tall, shorter than Louise but taller than me. I recognized her immediately from the news and magazine articles; I didn't know I was meeting _that_ Dr. Grey. Her vibrant red hair flowed in soft waves and gentle curls, and her green eyes fixed brightly on my dull brown ones. She was beautiful, and I knew that her quiet, gentle demeanor belied a terrible power. She was the reason that so many states had anti-mutant legislation on the books; the world was terrified of power like hers, as they well should. Imagine thinking you were going in for a simple check-up and meeting one of the most powerful mutants known to exist, that even Charles Xavier has admitted doesn't know how far her powers go. I glanced quickly back to Louise, who was watching my reaction, giving her a confused look. What on earth was a mutant this powerful doing playing doctor to a bunch of adolescent mutants?

"Calamity. Oh. You already knew. Um." I looked up at her, embarrassed. I was incredibly intimidated. She smiled kindly.

"It's okay, Calamity. I understand how you're feeling right now. Would you like me to calm you?"

"Um, no please." I feel dumb, like maybe it's really normal here for mutants to just outright use their powers on each other but I thought I'd at least like to get to know them a little first.

"Very well. Let me know if you change your mind. This way, please." I cast one more glance at Louise, who gave me a casual thumbs up and returned to her magazine but I think her nonchalance is fake because I can see her peeking over the top after me.

So, back at Community, there were some scary people. Like, angry and powerful, and just didn't care anymore, you know? The worst combination. After Dr. Minde told everyone I was a powerless mutant, it was worse than dangerous, in a way; I just became invisible. Like, people were utterly indifferent to me. They didn't start hating me for being a sap. They didn't reject me, exactly. They just stopped caring. Maybe I could have dealt with the anger and the indignation, but that, there was nothing for me to do.

Let me tell you what it's like to be someone who goes from a possibility to an irrelevance: it hurts. And it really, really sucks. It might make you start to doubt whether your existence is truly warranted, especially if you're own parents are struggling with a reason to keep caring about you.

But I never felt in danger, per se. That's what I'm trying to get at. Those guys could not have cared less about me, and if I would have died no one would have shown up to the funeral, even if there's food, I'm betting. I was beneath their anger, even their hatred. I wasn't in danger from them, really.

As for the mutants at Xavier's school, that was maybe a different story. I knew that Jean Grey was a danger to everyone she was around. The only thing that kept Jean from destroying all humanity, all mutant kind, the earth down to the molecule, was Jean herself. No one could stop her.

And then there's this pitiful, useless, pointless human being that Charles Xavier took in like some stray cat and she's supposed to give me some sort of checkup.

All I'm saying is, I know I'm safe, but it's the kind of safety you feel around a pet tiger. Yeah, okay, it doesn't have any reason to harm you and it seems pretty calm, but it's not like it couldn't change its mind either.

Dr. Grey doesn't strike me as predatory, however. Not really animal-like in any way, tbh. She feels dangerous, like an approaching storm, one not bent on your destruction and one with its own particular kind of beauty. And one that could still cause destruction. She seems reserved, withdrawn, or restrained. She's not relaxed, though it's not like she's tense. It's like she's constantly aware of herself and her every move. She's really different from Professor Xavier; they're like yin and yang. She's cool, he's warm. He's empathy, she's cerebral. They are like opposites, but still the same. All this goes through my mind, and though I don't think she's reading my mind, I wonder if she's getting a sense of what I'm thinking because she looks into my eyes briefly and I feel like she knows.

"Let's get a height and weight," she says with a little smile. It was something I noticed about her in pictures too; she only smiles a little on one side of her mouth. I've never seen anything where she's fully smiling, even when posing for a camera. There's probably only five or six articles on her total that I could find, way less than Professor X, mostly dealing with her medical opinions on mutant subjects. She wasn't even a declared mutant for a long time until after a thing with Magneto, but no one is really clear on her powers; just that she's telepathic and telekinetic, probably. I had spent a lot of long hours in the library, and eventually, I found some accounts of her, it took a while to sort out, but I know she is powerful. In any case, she's brilliant and not to be trifled with.

She starts asking basic medical questions and I'm flushed and red again, nervous and just about shaking when we walk back to the exam room. I sit on the exam table and draw up my knees, and she watches me a moment.

"Calamity," she says gently. "I can see that you're very nervous. Is it me that's making you feel that way? I can get Hank to do this if I'm making you uncomfortable."

My cheeks get that ugly flaming red that's really not flattering at all and I put my hands on them in a useless attempt to cool them off. "N-not exactly," I said, my voice tremulous. "I mean, I am, a little, of you, but it wouldn't matter if it was you or Hank." Now I was anxious I would hurt her feelings by being afraid, so I did my best to get a grip. "It's just another doctor who took care of me when I was a kid, he was nice and everything, but going to the doctor was the beginning of all my troubles."

"Hank told me someone named Dr. Minde," she said softly, keeping a space between us, trying to give me a little room for comfort. I did notice that.

"Yeah. He... he was trying to help me figure out how my mutations would manifest. B-but there w-wasn't ever, I mean, he figured out I didn't have any powers or whatever. My m-mutation wouldn't manifest anything. Sorry."

Dr. Grey tapped her finger to her lips. "Calm your mind, Calamity." Apparently a mantra at this school. "I'm not going to do anything to you. I won't touch you or enter your mind without explaining and without your permission."

"Okay."

"I'm going to examine you now, but I will tell you each step what I will be doing." She steps to the bedside and I resist the urge to draw away from her, but up close I can see she's not that old. She's really young for a doctor. There are lines around her mouth as if she's experienced pain, but I don't see anything that makes me think she'd hurt anyone. Say, me, for example. She smells clean without a particular odor, like a deep breath in the morning mountain air.

She listens to my heart and lungs, she feels my pulse at my throat and wrist. She looks in my throat and ears with a little light, always quietly telling me what she was doing next and giving me instructions.

She sat down on her stool and made some notes on her clipboard. "I will ask you some questions about your family history now, including your parents' health. All right?"

"Yeah, I can tell you what I know. But. I don't know anything about any of my grandparents, even their names." She glanced up at me, tossing her red hair from her eyes.

"That's okay. We'll just make a note of what you do know. And I'm going to take some blood."

"Like, with a needle?" I start to sweat.

"That's usually how it's done, but if you allow me I can help so that you don't--"

"N-no, that's all right. I'd rather deal with the needle." Dr. Minde had telepathic powers, but not like Charles. They felt entirely different in my mind, like a blanket compared to a knife. Dr. Minde did a lot of tests on me, took a lot of blood, but it was his pressing presence in my mind that hurt, that was invasive, that made me afraid. When I was little my mom would always be there with me, but when I was older he had her step out. It's not like he really hurt me or anything, physically or otherwise, but I felt a strong fear and aversion to all things medical now. And I didn't want anyone in my mind during it, that would only make it that much worse.

She asked me some questions about my parents and their health and drew some blood at the same time. It didn't hurt very much; I was worked up over nothing. There wasn't much to tell her about my parents; I told her about my dad's physical abilities and my mom's gifts, she asked a lot of detailed questions. I didn't know a lot of the answers. It made me realize that there were a lot of things about my parents I never thought to find out, and maybe I never would now. My chest was aching. They were healthy. Didn't get sick often, except with little colds. My mom had a healthy pregnancy, except she was really sick the first six months, she told me about that a few times, usually joking around. She used to do that. She didn't much, once I came back.

"That's all good information, thank you. Now, I want to ask you about some of the tests that Dr. Minde did on you to see if you had any abilities."

"I really don't know much about that. Like the names of them or whatever, what he was looking for."

"I'm sure that it's difficult to recall, especially when you're not familiar with medical terms. Calamity." She sat back, hesitating. "Though you don't understand everything you saw and heard, you probably remember it better than you know; you just don't like to think about it. If you will allow me, I can see in your mind and memories and I will have an understanding of what was done... of what you went through."

"I don't know about that." I gripped the edge of the exam table.

"I know the idea of it makes you uncomfortable. My intent is to spare you as much as I can from having to relive those memories. If you allow me to read your memories, I will be able to quickly learn what I need without interrogating you."

I think about this a long moment. If it's faster, and I don't have to talk about it, it might be worth it. "What do I have to do? Will it hurt?"

"No, it won't hurt at all, although you might feel some of the emotions connected to the memories. I will try to be careful."

"Okay."

"Thank you. Lie back. Close your eyes, that's good. Now, I want you to imagine a pink door, and in a moment, picture it opening. Open the door, Calamity."

Feeling weird and nervous, I picture a pink door in my mind and imagine it opening. Just like that, I feel Dr. Grey in my mind. I automatically tense up in my mind, just like I did physically when she was putting the needle in my arm; but it didn't hurt, having her there. She wasn't a blanket or a knife. I could just feel her strength, like when Louise took my hand to help me up. But it wasn't a physical strength. It was the power of her mind. It felt a bit like being in the presence of an active but inert volcano tbh.

 _Thank you Calamity,_ I heard her say gently in my head. _Try and picture the first time you remember being in Dr. Minde's office._

It wasn't a difficult memory to find, honestly. It was an actual pleasant memory of my parents, when I was really little, probably five, because I was getting vaccines for school. My parents were giants, to me, my personal protectors with special powers, and they adored me then. I was their sun and stars. I was on my mom's lap and my dad had his hand on my back, comforting. Dr. Minde was different too, sympathetic, kind, older than my parents so I thought of him like a grandpa because I didn't have any other concept of what one was like. He was leaning over and patting my head, apologizing for the poke and handing me a pink band-aid.

From there it was like watching a movie in fast forward, with huge gaps and skips. My parents shrank as I grew, it seemed, and Dr. Minde went from older to old but something else about his aspect changed too; something I hadn't really thought about until I was seeing it all at once. He was much more careworn, anxious, secretive, and there was a fine line of, not cruelty, but indifference to suffering that he inflicted. Not that he enjoyed it, but that it wasn't that big of a deal.

In my memories, we approached the time when he started doing experiments. Tests, examinations, he told my parents. I noticed Dr. Grey standing there in her lab coat with her stethoscope, observing without moving, but taking in everything with an attentive, sharp gaze. At first, it was taking blood and tissue samples and some physical exertion. Then we get to this part where he's hypnotizing me, with my parents in the room to observe and support me, because he's trying to make me afraid, angry, sad, all in hopes that I will manifest something. He's inflicting trauma, telling my brain terrible things have happened to induce those emotions, reassuring my parents that it's not real that I won't have any consequences, but it feels real. It all feels real again--

Have you ever been swimming and not paying attention to where you are and unexpectedly hit your head on the wall? That was kind of what the next thing felt like-- a sudden, painful slam into my mind. A thousand memories flashed before my eyes, too fast to even process, but it hurt, and it was unexpected, and I heard myself scream and saw the pink door in my mind slam shut.

I sat up shaking, and Dr. Grey was standing, looking at me with large, surprised eyes. "Calamity, are you all right?" She asked quickly, rushing over to me, helping me sit up.

"N-no," I said, holding my head. I had a slamming headache, so bad I couldn't see anything, I could barely think. I didn't think about how powerful she was, I didn't think about how rude it was, I could only feel pain and I was pushing away at her hands, physically trying to stop what I thought was the source of the pain.

"Calamity," she called calmly, but my eyes are jammed shut, my memories flying around my head like a bomb went off, and all of it horribly mixed up with the things Minde had done to me, like a fist in my stomach. There was a pounding noise, then I think Louise was there, asking what happened, but it was strangely mixed up too like I couldn't figure out if that was happening or something I was remembering. I tried sitting up but was too dizzy and disoriented, and they would try to help me but I couldn't stand the touch of their hands, I was afraid, I was pushing them away--

 _Calamity. Star!_ Dr. Grey spoke in my mind, firmly. _Calm your mind._ Less than gently I felt her presence in my mind again, but it didn't hurt. The closest I can come to describing it is she walked into a room where the window was open and the wind like a hurricane was going through a room full of paper and she closed the window, and then I felt her withdraw.

Shaking I sat up. My head was still pounding, but the pain had eased a bit. I still had a wicked headache. "I'm okay, I'm okay," I said, clutching my head, grabbing Louise' arm. After a minute we're all calmer and I think someone says something but Louise leaves to get me a drink. Dr. Grey looks unruffled, watching me carefully.

"That was unexpected. I apologize for the pain you felt, Calamity," she said, her brow furrowed not unlike her mentor.

"What happened?"

"Calamity, do you know of any reason why Dr. Minde would put psychic barriers in your memories?"

"No of course not. Did he?"

"I believe so."

My heart was pounding. Dr. Minde was messing with my memories? It was a freaky realization. I'm about 86% to mental freak out here. "Take them off. I mean, can't you just break them? You're strong, right?" A weird bubble of panic in my chest, it's freaking me out that there were things in my mind I didn't even know about.

She smiled slightly at this. "I am strong, yes. But I don't know what's behind those barriers or why they are there. They may be for your protection, and I may damage the memories if I attempt it. It may also harm your mind. You reacted pretty strongly when we merely encountered them, I don't even want to try to touch them at this point."

"Oh. I'm sorry, this is all really overwhelming."

Louise came back with water. She looked nervous. "I was totally kidding about screaming for help, Calamity," she said joking, but there was concern in her voice.

"Sorry," I said, shaking my head.

"Calamity would you like me to finish my exam or return at a different time?"

"How much longer?"

"Just a few minutes. I did get most of the history I wanted, believe it or not. I may be missing a few key points, but I need to discuss that with Hank and Professor Xavier."

"N-no, let's finish." I shivered, feeling suddenly freezing cold. My head still pounded with pain. "Please let's be done." My hands were still shaking.

"All right. It's okay," Dr. Grey said soothingly. Louise just plopped down in a chair and stayed with us, which I appreciated.

"You're underweight for your height," she said.

"Oh, yeah. Um. It's from when I was on the streets, I... you know. Didn't always have food." I muttered, casting a glance at Louise, kind of embarrassed.

"You'll need to try and eat well, lots of protein and healthy fats. Some french fries wouldn't hurt you either." She smiled. I was beginning to understand they only made a rare appearance so I attempted one back.

"There's also preliminary blood work back." That was fast. The school must have its own lab and technicians? "Some of your stress hormones are quite elevated."

"Yeah, well."

Dr. Grey stared down at my chart a long moment then raised her eyes to mine and I got a feeling she was going to say something but changed her mind. "You're very pale, Calamity. What are you feeling?"

"Just tired. Headache. Cold." She reached out a cool hand on my forehead then got a thermometer and took my temperature.

"Let me get you some pain medicine for your headache. Should help with the fever you have as well."

"I do?"

She nodded and went to the cabinet, pulling out a bottle of pills, tipping out two into her hand. "Louise, get her to her room and have her lie down 'till dinner, okay? I want you to inform me or the Professor if I'm gone if she starts to feel worse or develops new symptoms."

"No problem Dr. Grey," Louise says, shaking her curly head. "Straight to bed."

I think about making a joke about Louise not being my mom, but honestly, I feel sick and scraped raw and can't even make any kind of joke right now, especially involving a mom. My hands shook slightly but I steadied myself as best I could, thanking Dr. Grey, who took my hand in her small, cool one in a parting handshake. I did not want to be afraid of her, but I couldn't help but think that I was afraid something like this would happen. Was it really worth giving up the independence and anonimity of the streets, for all the fear and hunger I felt, if I had to put my trust in telepaths? I thought it was what I wanted but I was not so sure any more.


	5. Chapter 5

I kicked off my shoes and curled up in bed, and Louise threw a blanket over me. I shivered at the slight caress of air it created; I teetered between gratitude for her kindness and wariness at the vulnerability I felt. At the moment I was too sick to fight it, so gratitude won out; I gave her a grateful look.

"So... are you going to be this needy the entire time, or-?" She said jokingly. I gave her a weak smile.

"You'll have to learn early on, roomie... I'm about as useless as they come."

"Are you feeling any better? You look like crap."

"Uh, gee, thanks. I'm okay." Actually, I felt sick all over, especially my headache, which was not as bad as at first but still pretty painful. I felt tired.

"Okay, that's good. Look, I'm going to help you out and wash your stuff."

"You don't-" I sat up, horrified. I couldn’t have anyone doing things like that for me. My anxiety, which I had thought had calmed, reared up in alarm at thinking of a total stranger touching my clothes, filthy from the streets. “No!”

"Shh. Shhhhhh. Shhhhhhhh." She pushed her lips out in shushing expression and shook her head. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Listen, Calamity,” she said, suddenly more serious. She looked embarrassed. “I’m not what you call the touchy-feely type. I don’t get how to help people going through all this crap. Right? But I damn well know how to start a washing machine and I know clean clothes are nice, so just… just let me or whatever, won’t you?”

"Thanks Louise." It was harder than I had words to describe to allow her to do that. But I didn’t know how to say no.

"No problemo."

My eyes ache with tiredness and a headache. My eyes close and I hear Louise moving around, getting my stuff, and I try to reassure myself that everything is fine now. The niggling pressure of worry over what Dr. Grey had discovered kept ruining my peace of mind, however, and it was inescapable, this fact-- Dr. Minde had done something to my head. He'd done something, and I didn't even know about it. It was a horrible, sickening feeling all by itself. A sick sense of dread simmered in the back of my mind, this idea of an unknown part of myself, memories I couldn’t access or understand. My mind was in turmoil, but my body was sick and tired, and in the end, the exhausted body overcame my worried mind and I fell asleep.

"Cal. Wake up. Hey, Calamity." I wince, the light hurting my eyes and stabbing into my brain. I sit up and squint at Louise, her pretty face watching me as if she thinks I’ll sicken for something.

"What's wrong?" I pushed myself up, worried. 

"Nothing, but it's getting late and I think you better wake up and eat before Bet closes down the kitchen for the night. You barely ate your lunch."

"Oh." I swung my legs over the bed, still groggy. "What time is it?"

"It's almost eight."

"What??" I looked around and the alarm clock on my nightstand glared in red letters 07:57. "Wow, I can't believe I slept that long."

"I can. You still look like crap. What did Dr. Grey do to you, anyway?"

"She just read my mind, that's it."

"She's read my mind a bunch of times and that never happened to me," Louise said skeptically. 

"Apparently it doesn't agree with you."

"Yeah, I guess not." I couldn't exactly tell her about Dr. Minde. Unless I wanted to make up some story about my imaginary grandma taking me to see him, but with my head still hurting there was no way I was up to any kind of task involving creating an elaborate lie.

"These are probably still wet, just go barefoot." She kicked at my worn out but cleaner looking sneakers. I pull the rubber band out of my hair and re-braid it then stand up slowly. I'm feeling better, my headache is almost gone, but I feel like I've been ill for three days; just drained. 

I figured we'd just go to the dorm kitchen, but Louise steered me outside.

"Nah, I've got orders. You need nourished or some crud. Bet means to fatten you up."

Louise chats with me, and starts telling me about classes. We have a bunch of them together, but a few I'll be on my own. She's talking about the teachers.

"Mr. Summers is a really good teacher, when he’s around. He’s gone like half the time but he's strict so don't forget your homework. You'll have to take a self-defense class from Wolverine at some point, it's required. I get to work with him on combat skills, he's kind of intimidating at first but he's actually really a teddy bear." 

I listened closely. A lot had been written about the school in articles and I’d read the pamphlet. It had been vague on the details of the staff, only mentioning that a core staff of dedicated educators were supported by a rotating faculty with specialized topics. 

"There's Karma, she has a leg missing, I thought I should warn you, but she's a good teacher." Louise continued. 

She kept up the conversation for us until we got to the kitchen. I was fine with it, feeling as tired and still half disturbed as I was. The house was quiet, most of the residents in their rooms by that time, except a few quiet pockets of students and faculty in the common rooms. Bet had the kitchen clean but a big bowl of soup and bread and butter and a big glass of milk were waiting for me.

"No meat," she greeted me.

"Thank you," I glanced up at my tall personal chef, trying to tell her without words that it meant a lot to me. "Thanks, Bet, this looks amazing."

"Eat it up for me." She said turning away. Louise continued her inane chatter about students and teachers. I couldn't even express to her how thankful I was just for her being around, and treating me like a friend, not being put off by my history and my general lack of personality. Part of it was probably pity, but I wasn't going to look any gift horses in the mouth.

I ate as much as I could, until I was uncomfortably full, just to try and please Bet. She came and sat down after she cleaned up the rest of the kitchen and didn't seem to be paying any attention to either of us, just reading a book. But I saw her kind of keeping an eye on me, and I wondered what had been said about me while I was sleeping.

I insisted on cleaning up my own dishes. Bet, towering over me, briefly put her arm around my shoulders as I set my clean cup on a towel to dry. "You just be careful, Calamity."

"Let me show you the pool," Louise was saying, walking ahead of me.

"I don't feel like swimming," I ventured. She laughed.

"Yeah, no kidding, you look like a vampire still. Just to dip your toes in." I complied and for a while she didn't say anything, just relaxing after rolling up her jeans. The pool was empty except for us. It was a massive indoor pool, with a fountain and really pretty. I hadn't even noticed it before but it was right on the first floor behind the reception area as you walked in. I tried to relax but the soup wasn't sitting well on my stomach. I felt sick, still, and I was half expecting the professor or Hank or Dr. Grey to show up and talk to me about what happened. I wanted them to, to reassure me, but I also dreaded it, and when no one came, I was just relieved. There were about ten or fifteen students hanging out at the pool, only a handful actually swimming, mostly just talking and hanging out. Louise was obviously popular and everyone at some point or another came to talk to her and she was texting and whatnot too. But she was sure to introduce everyone to me and coach me on their names and what mutation they had.  
It got late, after eleven. On weekends, there’s technically lights out at 11:30, but when I started to fall asleep again on a pool lounge chair, Louise hauled me to my feet and we went back to the dorm. She made me brush my teeth and change into pajamas and, despite my long nap earlier, I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

That night was the first time I had the nightmare.

I woke up not even sure where I was or what was happening, why I was so afraid, sitting straight up, trying to distinguish my surroundings by the moonlight coming in through the window. I saw Louise's sleeping figure in the second bed. She's like an anchor, or a light in the fog; I'm at school, I'm safe here. 

After a minute, my heart slows then my breathing, and I'm left with a dull ache in my head.

I don't remember my dream at all, just that I was afraid, and that my fear was of Professor Xavier and others in the school. I brushed it off, getting up to get a drink of water. After what happened with Dr. Grey, my subconscious was no doubt working triple overtime. It was fine, I was fine.

I tried telling myself that and berated myself for acting , but it was a few hours before I could sleep again. 

…

I'm awake before Louise. The morning sunlight is low and dim, like even it thinks it's too early to be up on a weekend. But I've been living on the streets a long time, and you learn that you're most vulnerable when you're asleep.

Maybe that’s why I had a nightmare or whatever it was. I wasn’t used to sleeping that much, and certainly not at a stretch. It was far safer to catch catnaps during the day so you're not too tired at night when you live on the street. It was a hard balance to find. You didn’t want to stay awake too much and then sleep too deeply. That was how I lost all my other clothes-- a creep stole them right out of my bag when I was asleep on a bench at an abandoned bus station. It was broad daylight, not a lot of homeless folks around, but I guess I slept too long or too soundly. I woke up and saw this guy with his hands on my stuff; I was terrified and I think he knew it. What would have happened next I have no idea.

This crazy looking lady that smelled like cats and Chinese food rammed him with her cart when I screamed when he reached toward me to cover my mouth. The guy took off, like we were any match for him, but I don't think he was expecting a fight or witnesses. I try to thank this lady but she mostly looks irritated and tells me I better be more careful or I'll end up someone's cautionary tale. It was a moment I missed my parents so much I was shaking.

Anyway, it's why I can't sleep late. I wonder how hard those habits will die. Maybe after a few months, I will be normal again. I don't know. Right now I don't feel like I will ever be normal anything.  
I don't get out of bed. I pick up a book of Louise's off the floor and start reading it, waiting for her to wake up or for me to feel more hungry. It's this book Once and Future King and I’m absorbed in it when I hear Louise stir then get up to shower. 

I’m still in bed when she’s dressed, laying with my eyes closed and listening to music on my walkman. One of the guys I met at the pool had asked me what music I like and when I explained I had a dead walkman he was shocked into silence before laughing his head off and promising to get me batteries. He’d done it too. The music both presses on my pain and eases it.

Louise shakes my arm so I open my eyes. “Get up! Get dressed!” She said enthusiastically. “We have the whole day to hang out before Monday happens and so we have to hurry!” She beaned me with a pillow in her exuberance, eliciting a grumble then a laugh from me.

Even at my old school before the students there knew I wasn't like them, no one was like this toward me. I wasn’t sure how to respond. Even though I wasn’t particularly interested in socializing, this felt warm, this felt nice. I dragged myself to the bathroom to get ready.

The music reminded me of the girl who made me the tape, Krisma. She wasn’t like Louise. She was friendly, and there were people I had lunch with and talked to in class, but no one like Louise. She was just so pretty and vivacious and strong and I looked up to her in more ways than one. I was so totally opposite her in every way physically from my pasty skin and plain face and mousy hair and how small and puny I was. Personality wise, she was so much stronger, too. She never seemed to doubt herself; never asked me what we should do next, though she was polite and asked for my approval. She was independent in a way that I, who had even lived on the streets by myself for months, was not. She didn't seem to be relying on anyone for anything. I guess I was starting to understand there was a really big difference between being alone and being independent.

I don’t even realize why Louise is staring at me when I step out, until a split second later when she goes to her closet and I feel so stupid, so embarrassed; I’m wearing my only clean clothes from the day before and she’s embarrassed of me, won’t be seen with me like this only when her face emerges from the closet she looks gentle, she looks sad. 

“It’s too small for me, but it will still be too big for you. Still.” 

I change without saying a word, choked with embarrassment. She grinned and slung her arm around me. 

“You look good, Cal.” I give her a weak smile but do feel a little better.

Louise seemed determined to show me everything around the school. We mostly hung out in the house-- in the library, in the rec room, helping me find all the classrooms, and wandering the grounds. 

She introduced me to everyone we came into contact with. It seemed like she knew every single person, which, I suppose there weren’t that many if you lived with them and went to school with them but it was more contact in a few hours than I had in months. I knew I should be enjoying it, making new friends, but with each person I started to feel more anxious. I got paranoid that they wouldn’t like me, that they’d see through me, that they’d realize I was a fraud and a liar or just plain wouldn’t like me even if they bought the lie. 

“Oh hey! Hey!! Kitty!” Louise called to one girl with her arms full of books. She was pretty, one of the older students closer to her twenties. She came over at Louise’s call, smiling broadly. 

“Hey there, Louise, how’s it going? Are you still going to help me with in the greenhouse Thursday?”  
Louise groaned dramatically. “You know I hate getting my hands dirty,” she replied sourly. “But I’ll be there. I wanted to introduce you to Calamity. She’s new here.” 

“Hi,” Kitty said with a friendly smile, not offering a hand since she didn’t have one free. “I’m Kitty. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Thanks.”

“Where are you from?”

“Um, up north? Stillwater? How about you?”

“I’m from Illinois.”

“Oh, I don’t think I know anything about there. Is it nice?”

“It can be, but I don’t miss it.” Like so many students here, she goes serious when talking about home. She broke from her gloominess and smiled again. “Nice to meet you. Bring her around, Louise.”

“I will.”

Louise waited until her friend had walked off quite a ways then told me, “I’ve heard the craziest stories about that girl.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Like… she’s a legit member of the X-Men.”

“She seems young for it,” I said doubtfully. 

“Yeah, she is, but the funniest thing is she doesn’t get along with Professor Frost. Sparks FLY when they’re around each other, even though they’re civil enough.” 

I was curious to hear that story. Louise rambled on about some of the other teachers and students, informing me that even though they were all in the same building, there were adult mutants that came for education and training under a different name. “They call it an ‘Institute for Higher Learning’ and some young mutants with crazy powers go there for special training, but not very often.”

“I mean… this place is big but not that big!”

“It’s all underground,” Louise said with a grin. 

 

“You’re teasing me!”

“I’m not!”

She continued to tell me more and more outlandish tales that I couldn’t quite believe or disbelieve when she steered us back to the dorm so she could finish some homework.

I wasn’t tired but I dozed, mentally exhausted from the bombardment of new names, faces, places. I didn’t want to think and try to figure out my place in such a world so sleeping was easier. 

I woke up a little groggy from my nap and vaguely anxious. I hadn’t forgotten about the barriers Dr. Grey had found in my mind and I low-key worried about them. I couldn’t keep from worrying about everything. 

Louise wanted to hang out with some friends after she finished her homework but I declined. I’d had more than enough social interaction for the day-- as much as I appreciated it, I felt drained, weary. I took a walk on the grounds. It was a mild day, pleasant now that the sun was going down. I found an old willow tree where no other students seemed to be hanging out.

I laid back on the grass, looking up at the sky through the branches of the tree above me. I feel myself relax somewhat in the dappled sunlight, absorbing the warmth and light on my skin. I allowed myself to think I might be safe, finally. That I might have a future here. Education. Friends. Maybe, maybe. I had closed my eyes and sensed a shadow fall across me. Instantly tense I opened my eyes.

It was Hank McCoy. Relieved it was someone safe and familiar and anxious that he had sought me out, I sat up, expecting bad news. 

"Hey Calamity." He greets me, calm enough. "I hope I’m not disturbing you. How's your day been?"

"Um, good," I respond cautiously.

"Good, good. I just wanted to tell you-- you can pick up the textbooks you'll need for your classes in the library. They're behind the desk under your name."

"Oh... that's great, thanks."

"You're welcome. Also, Professor Xavier was wondering if you wanted to work in the library on Wednesdays and Thursdays, and a few hours a week in the mansion kitchen. With Bet. It would count toward credit as work experience and will give you a little pocket money."

"Oh. Oh! That'd be great. You don't have to pay me, though. You can apply it to my tuition or something."

"No need for that. We have generous donors for cases like yours."

"Really," I said skeptically. "Cases just like mine?"

It got a small smile out of him. "Basically. Anyway. As part of your scholarship--"

"We're calling it that now?"

"--you have a small living allowance." He handed me a card. "This is to buy yourself some necessities and school supplies. One of the older students, Elixir, can drive you." 

I looked at him in surprise. "I'm going shopping?" Hank nodded, smiling a little again.

"That's right; just be back before dinner at 5:30 please."

"Um. Thank you. Really."

"Sure." He started to walk away but came back. "Calamity, Elixir has instructions to keep an eye on you, so please don't give him a hard time." 

"I wouldn't."

"I know. Just saying. If Ms. Louise is amenable, it may be good for you to take her along as well, for company."

"Okay?" I was puzzled not so much about what he was saying, but how serious he was taking everything, I tilted my head, my anxiety increasing.

Hank studied me and sighed. "I don't want to have to remind you that there are people, maybe not good people, looking for you. Outside the school you are not as well protected, so be careful, that's all. Don't draw attention to yourself."

"I wasn't planning on it," I said honestly.

He chuckled. "Yeah, I know, that's why I wasn't going to say anything. But I feel like you should be extra cautious. You're quite... vulnerable."

"Yeah," I mumbled, looking down.

He told me Elixir was planning on leaving in a half and hour so I went and talked to Louise about the plan. She was enthusiastic about heading off campus.

"We're so lucky. They don't like us to leave very often."

"Why?" I asked curiously, fiddling with my hair in the mirror to try and be more presentable for public.

"The school is heavily protected, Calamity. Not just security, but shielded,” Louise answered, watching me in the mirror.

"What do you mean shielded?"

"You know, all kinds. It's protected from all kinds of blasts, and telepathic attacks are blocked. There're all kinds of machines that just throw up interference for mutant abilities."

"How do students even use their powers then?"

"There're places built for it, but probably 80% of kids here are not really that powerful. They have abilities or aptitudes, and sometimes physical change. My whole point is that it's pretty secure here so they don't let us leave often."

"It didn't seem that secure to me. I just walked up."

She gave a burst of laughter. "Believe me, Calamity. You were allowed to, and you were being monitored the whole time. You're so naive." I smiled in acknowledgment. I made a mental note to pick her brain about the school more and take notes in my notebook.

"Anyway, who's taking us?" Louise said, kneeing her soccer ball with perfect form.

"Elixir?" She stopped and looked at me, her eyebrow raised. "What?"

She kind of shrugged. "Nothing. Elixir is really good-looking. You'll see."

"You two have a thing?" I teased.

She gave a small burst of laughter. "Nah, dear. He's not my type. I’m not exactly interested in a relationship at the moment."  
I wanted badly to ask her about that, curious, but I didn’t feel like we knew each other quite well enough yet.

“Doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the beauty around me, though,” she said as she stretched, giving me a grin. “Should be fun.”

We went and grabbed a quick snack at Louise’s insistence, but I didn’t have much of an appetite. It was stupid, but I was actually feeling a little anxious about the excursion. I know Hank didn't mean to, or maybe he did but it kind of spooked me a little bit when he talked about people looking for me.  
I brushed it off. To be honest it all seemed a bit far-fetched. Like I said, I'm nobody and I don't know anything. My parents weren't powerful. Government agents questioned me after the thing with my parents for probably three weeks, but I just simply didn't know anything. The social worker who kept placing me with different families was an agent I worked with from the first day-- Agent Dana. Even the last time I saw her she was asking questions, but I never had any answers.

I guess I could tell her where I was. There weren't a lot of reasons why I didn't talk to her, she seemed to want to help me, but I doubted she would approve of a human in a mutant school. I discarded the idea. I wanted to put that part of my life behind me, and I could try to contact my parents a different way. She'd probably stopped caring about me a long time ago.

"Chirrup, dear," Louise said as we walked. She had noticed my quiet and misinterpreted it. "We'll have fun, I promise."

"Okay. Thanks. I don't really want to go." Though she hadn’t guessed what I was thinking about, she was right about my feelings about the trip in general.

"How come?? I would think you'd be super excited."

"Yeah. Me too. I mean, I would think that. But I'm not. You might not understand this, Louise, but I'm a plain jane, and going shopping just reminds me of it." I blushed at confessing my insecurities to her, wondering if I should have kept my mouth shut. It seemed pretty ungrateful. 

"Says who, you're a plain jane?" She said, offended in my behalf.

"Says the mirror, Louise. I'm not blind or delusional, usually," I said sarcastically.

"Nah, you're a pretty girl. And anyway Calamity, there's one thing all of us have learned as mutants, it's that there's more to people than meets the eye. Yeah?" I gave her a brief grin and nodded and we went to meet Elixir.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty heavy on the dialogue sorry about that lol


	6. Chapter 6

At Community, nearly half the students had some kind of physical alteration of their appearance; some drastic, some subtle. I wasn’t too keen on judging by appearances anyway so strange or different appearances never bothered or intrigued me much.

But I’d never met anyone like Elixir.

He was golden.

His skin… it was gold. Like a metallic, shining gold. 

"Hello, ladies." He says with a little smirk of a smile. I can't tell if he's shy or condescending. "I'll be your taxi service today. Elixir." He directs this to me, sticking out his hand. I reach out for it and Louise knocks his hand away.

"Knock it off."

"What?" I say, while Elixir looks mildly offended and rubs his hand.

"Elixir has this thing with body chemistry, I don't trust him." She gives him a suspicious glare but it's clear she's teasing.

"What kind of thing?" I peer up at him, feeling warm all of the sudden. He’s a good six or seven inches taller than my five foot five. He was just so beautiful-- his eyes a piercing pale blue, his hair so blonde it’s white in the bright sunshine. I tried to see him through his mutation. To me he seemed as though he’d suffered, that he was strong and confident in his powers, and he was kind.

"Don’t let her impress you. I actually can’t do much yet." He gives me a nice smile. “Dr. McCoy seems to think I have potential, but at the moment I’m only able to do a few things. Maybe a bit of healing. I could possibly turn your hair green if I’m in the right mood.”

"That seems weird."

He laughed. "Yeah, it is, isn't it? Anyway, I wasn't going to do anything." He stuck out his hand again. I glanced at Louise and she rolled her eyes and shrugged then gave him a warning glare so I carefully took his hand, just as golden as the rest of him. I wondered what it would feel like. It was warm and firm but not too hard and it gave me an odd squeeze in my stomach. 

"Calamity." I finally answer his introduction, giving him a shy smile. It's pretty much the only one I have, so.

"Good to meet you." He withdraws his hand and puts his sunglasses on. "I have instructions to have you home in one piece before dinner, so, shall we?" I climb into the back seat and Louise shrugs and jumps in the front seat, already fiddling with the radio dial despite a scowl from Elixir.

The nearest town is probably ten minutes away and it has a pretty good sized mall. I get a small squirm of excitement after all when we park; it's been a long time since I've had anything new like this. I'm not at all fashionable; just a basic t-shirt and jeans is how I'm happiest. I know it's not going to impress anyone, but I wouldn't anyway, so, I might as well be comfortable.

At first, I feel awkward and embarrassed around Elixir. It must be annoying for him to take these two girls shopping. We attract a few stares at his brilliant appearance but he doesn’t seem to notice or be bothered by any of it. He doesn’t seem impatient or annoyed.

To be honest, he seems just slightly tense. He's got an easy kind of alertness, a kind of casual but consistent attention to our surroundings I can't put my finger on. He offers to help carry the shopping bags with two pairs of sneakers that fit me that I bought on sale. Louise keeps up a steady stream of chit-chat and helps me pick out some clothes that are actually pretty cute that I would never have considered.

"They never make these in my size." She frowns, holding up a pair of jeans. "You have to get them so I can live through you."

"Ha. But they're kind of expensive."

"No, they're not, Calamity. You've been on a tight budget for too long." It's true that even spending $20 on shoes was really a stressful moment for me. "I know it's hard for you to understand, but Xavier is going to want you to be provided for. It's part of the school's mission, or something, to help mutants in your situation."  
I get a sick, sad feeling and put the jeans back. "Maybe I'll come back for them." But I know I won't. I suddenly feel like I'm abusing the system or taking away from actual mutants that need stuff even more than me. I kind of feel ready to be done with shopping all of a sudden, but I know we need to make one more stop.

"There's um, maybe one more place I need to go," I say quietly to Louise.

"Where's that?"

"To get, you know, underthings." I annoy myself to no end by blushing.

"Oh, right. Elixir, we have to go get some personal items. You want to meet us in the food court or something?"

"I'm staying with you but I'll wait outside the store," he says easily, hanging up a jacket that had fallen off its hanger. He doesn't seem perturbed in the least. Is this guy for real or am I just easily impressed? I glance at Louise to see if she’s paying attention but she’s too busy looking at some clothes on our way out of the store.  
Elixir sits on a bench with my shopping bags and Louise comes in with me, going to the pajama's section. "I think I need slippers. Don't you hate the carpet in the hallway? It's so nasty."

She hums and browses through the slippers while I look through other stuff. For some reason I find her adorable in that moment. I tentatively try to understand what I'm feeling when I see her; I think it's affection. Even though we just met and I'm trying to be careful and I don't even know her that well, I undeniably am really thankful for her and Elixir being so friendly to me. It would have sucked to do this alone. As it was, I got an ache in my throat. The last time I'd done this was school clothes shopping with my mom and that almost seems like it happened to a different person. I swallow the lump and try to just enjoy the pleasant sensation of being befriended.

I have a few things to try on and head back to the dressing room. This will be the last thing and we can go back to school. I noticed a rack of swimming suits, marked way down since summer was long over. There wasn't a ton of selection, but with the school having a pool I pretty much had to have something so I started looking through them.

I just sense someone kind of looking at the clothes on the same rack as me but I don't look up, I just pull out this kind of cute swimming suit in my size, just kind of see them in my periphery. Then there's this hand grabbing my wrist and this guy, he's got my arm and kind of twists it and I look up in his face and I don't even see anything about what he looks like for a second because all I can see is this menace, something dangerous and unkind, but then I kind of partially recognize that there's something familiar but I don't have any chance to even think it because I'm so startled and afraid. He's really strong and he yanks me toward him and I drop everything I'm holding and stumble off balance. I don't even scream it's all happening so fast.

The sudden fast motion catches her eye and Louise looks up at me. "Elixir!" She yells and he's by her side in a split second and other customers and employees all start to notice something is happening but none of them move, too stunned and not sure what's happening yet. I pull away from him as hard as I can, but he's strong, much stronger than me.  
At the appearance of Louise and Elixir, the man twists my arm behind my back and puts his other hand around my throat. They were both walking really fast toward me but stopped. Elixir kind of pointed for Louise to move to block him from leaving.

"Move and I will hurt her," the man said, just, really calm. Not tense or heightened in any way, which probably scared me more than if he sounded scary. He just sounded like he commented on the weather. Something tickled in my brain and I felt a headache starting, but I recognized the voice somehow... I'd heard it before. In Community.

"If you hurt her, I will kill you," Elixir replies, not as calm; he sounds angry and when he clenches his fist I catch a glimpse of these little black things moving along his arms and I try to glance over at Louise but he's got a firm grip on my neck and I can't move, and it's actually kind of hard to breathe. When I move at all he squeezes tighter so I hold as still as I can, trying to catch my breath, just looking at Elixir, afraid for myself and afraid for him and Louise. I see out of the corner of my eye the clerk pick up the phone.

"Drop the phone!" The man says, sharply, and she literally does drop it.

"I'm walking out of here. Move!" He says to Louise, dragging me with him.

"If you want me to move, come and make me." I hear her say in a very grim voice.

This guy doesn't say anything, but all of a sudden his fingers get really warm. Like, actually hot, but not burning, and I can see this weird green glow and I start to really hurt and though I can hardly breathe I start to cry out in pain.

I think this guy expected Louise and Elixir to back off. It's what I would have done. Instead, the two of them split up and move quickly toward us.

It happened fast. Louise attacked at the same time, running towards us. He wrenched me around painfully to put me between them as a shield but with incredible speed and strength she swept both our legs out from under us and we both fell back, me on top of him, and it loosened his grip on my neck but sent stabbing pain through the arm he was holding, which he didn't let go of. But Louise was too fast. She grabbed me up like I was a child and it was so fast my wrist was ripped away from his grasp.

"Take her out," Elixir told her sharply, stepping toward the guy who was already back on his feet, and I really wanted her to stay and help him, but she instantly obeyed, she grabbed the shopping bags on the way out, and she ran me out to the car. I was incredulous that she had grabbed our shopping bags, but remembered then I had stuck my wallet in one of the bags, it had papers in it that could lead back to the school. How she'd remembered that was beyond me. I couldn't think of anything. My neck, my arm, my head hurt badly, I was still so afraid--

Louise set me down and opened the car door and I got in back. Louise pulled out her cell phone and I think she’s going to call the police or something but she just taps a few buttons and tucks it back in her pocket. She really quickly but gently tipped back my chin and examined my neck, and when I looked in her eyes I saw how you easily be afraid of her because she had this really intense look on her face that I was really glad wasn't directed at me.

"I want to tear that guy's head off. Who was he?" She said in a low voice. I could only shake my head, too shaken and my throat swollen and hurting.  
Probably two minutes later as Louise was examining my injuries Elixir came out, not even running, but this very fierce look on his face that, again, I knew I could be afraid of him. 

But I wasn't.

"Are you okay?" Louise asked quickly. "I already alerted the school."

"I'm fine." He looked over at me. "Are you okay, Calamity?" I nodded, still shaking, still not trusting my voice.

"He's unconscious and the police are on their way," he said, starting the car. He tore out of the parking lot so fast my stomach lurched. It might have been scary, but I was already scared. I wanted to get as far away as possible. "Calamity. Talk to me, please. Are you okay? What did he do to you? Did you know him?" Elixir glanced at me.

"I don't I don't know," I said raspingly. "His fingers hurt my neck."  
“Can’t you help her?” Louise asked anxiously.

Elixir shook his head jerkily. “Not without knowing what he did. I’m not an expert. If it were an emergency I would, but I don’t dare.”

"Okay. It's okay, let's just get home."

Elixir drives fast, but expertly, like a movie, like he's done this kind of thing before. Evading kidnappers? With murderous intentions and weird green glowing pain fingers? My head hurt and I was shaking.

I rammed down on my emotions as hard as I could but it was like someone shook a soda bottle to the point of explosiveness. I did not want to cry again. I was tired of being afraid. I was so tired of being afraid. I couldn't stand one more minute of it, not one more, I couldn't stand it one more minute. I felt things get kind of gray and fuzzy, probably because I was hyperventilating.

"Just get there, Elixir, something is wrong with her," Louise said tersely. "No one is following us."

Elixir hit the gas, watching me in the rearview, concern and tension on his face. His jaw clenched.

We got back to the school much faster than getting to the mall, even with all the detours. My mind was a riot of frustration, fear, anger, and pain. I wanted my mom. I wanted my dad. They were my parents; they should be here to keep me safe. They didn't want me. They made me leave, then they left me. 

That crazy kidnapper guy, it was like he woke up all these ghosts in my brain of every creep and scary person I'd ever met from Community and the street and all these fosters that didn't want me or actively would hurt me if possible and then tangled in it all was Dr. Minde and the freak show stuff he did to me when there was still hope I could be something, do something, but I wasn't and I can't and still someone tried to hurt me they found me in a safe place--

I felt a scream in my chest like a caged and wounded animal clawing at my chest, my arms, my wrists--

"What happened to her?" I had stumbled out of the car and was laying on the grass. I felt Louise's warm, brown hand with bright pink fingernails on my arm by my elbow and though I was too upset to see or think about much, that touch did help ground me a little and I sat up, grasping my head. I didn't hear a word Elixir answered, I didn't even know who asked. Vaguely I knew Professor X was there, and Hank, and a bunch of teachers since they looked older, a bunch of students being led away. Everything was sped up and slowed down and magnified like a nightmare.

"Calamity you're having a panic attack." 

I don't know. I don't know if he's in my head or speaking to me but the scream is making its way out of my chest into my throat and my painful head, throat, and arm is the only thing I can feel.

_Calm your mind._

I pushed back as hard as I could. _NO! Don't touch me, don't even--_

I meant in my mind. I was like a raw nerve; like a burn scraped with sandpaper, in my mind.

"Jean, help her."

Not as polite as the professor, Jean did not knock, as it were, she was simply in my mind and she locked it down. All the rioting thoughts froze in place and I struggled against her as weak and helpless as a mouse under a lion's paw. Xavier was powerful, he probably could have done it, but Dr. Grey had much more finesse, from what I could understand of it. Her power was immense and looming even inside my mind. But though she could crush me, literally crush me, I could feel her strength in my mind the way I felt it went Louise carried me, she handled me without hurting me.

_You're all right. You're not harmed. You will not be harmed. You have no need to fear. You are safe._ She said it, and I felt the rightness of it, I really understood what she was saying to be true. I became aware of my breathing, scraping against my raw throat, much too fast, and I took a deep breath to slow it down. And again. And again. Her words pierced the fear and the fear of being afraid. I also felt her, metaphorically, trail a finger along the mental block she encountered last time she was in my mind, testing it. It sent a jolt through me, painful, like hitting your funny bone and I moaned.

"Don't hurt her!" I heard Elixir say mutedly, as if he hadn't meant to say the words out loud. Dr. Grey left my mind, leaving me feeling suddenly cold and I was shivering and shaking both. My body registered the cool touch of a hand, then a gentle, kind embrace. Someone had put their arms around me and it felt like I was being shielded from the whole world, all of everything, just for a moment I felt unassailably safe. No one had hugged me in a long time.

"It's okay, we've got you." It was Dr. Grey's voice murmuring. I felt as if a little bird had fluttered into my domain, small and simple but wondrous. I tried to remember the last time someone had held me. I don't want to move; I just want to feel safe for a minute.

"I think I'm okay now," I said uncertainly. "Elixir, Elixir, did he hurt you? Did he hurt anyone in the store?"

"No, I'm not hurt.” He glanced at Hank. “I… I think I made him pass out. A vasovagal reaction. He didn’t hurt anyone else. Everyone ran off and I tied his hands."

"You did?" I was impressed. "I thought you were a babysitter but you were the bodyguard."

"Something like that."

"Calamity, we need to examine you for injuries--" Dr. Grey began gently.

"Please," I begged, my heart rate spiking. "Not the medical bay, I can't."

"My office?" Professor X asked kindly. "Please come to my office my dear, and let us take care of you."

Louise pulled me to my feet and I couldn't read her expression except that her face was closed off somehow, keeping what she was thinking and feeling from me. For her benefit or mine, I couldn't say, but her brow puckered with concern as she watched me.

"Lady, you're a magnet for problems." Her wild teal hair flew around her head with the breeze. I didn't answer. I had no answer. I was tired. I shook my head when she gestured as if to carry me, but she put her arm around me, under my arm, practically carrying me with one arm.

Again the comfy chair. It was quiet here, I'm thankful for that. I'm about 43% at this point; enough that I can focus. But I can't believe what just happened. It's all a blur but fractions of it keep replaying in my mind, randomly, sharp then fuzzy, sped up and slow. My new friends, they looked strange and dangerous, but for me, and Dr. Gray... she was different from Dr. Minde, though somehow I had categorized them together in my mind. But she was stronger, more powerful, more gentle and kind.

She was there then, pulling a stethoscope off her neck and placing it on my chest. She listened a moment then very gently tilted my chin and examined my neck, her cool fingers probing gently. I winced when she brushed where he had grasped me. 

"Strange," she murmured. Hank leaned down.

"Possibly some sort of chemical burn?"

"It got really hot but I didn't feel it burn me. He was choking me. He grabbed me here too." I showed them my arm. It looked strangely bruised, like an old bruise, green and yellowish.

Dr. Grey and Hank were watching me closely, and Louise and Elixir were watching silently. I finally looked up at Professor X. He too was watching me, gravely, his blue eyes steady on mine. "Louise and Elixir, I'm afraid I must ask you to wait in the hall a moment." Louise started to protest and I looked at him pleadingly, but he shook his head. "I will call you back in a few minutes but I'd prefer you not be present just now. Do as I ask, please." He said firmly, but not unkind. They left.

"Calamity, did you recognize the man who grabbed you?" Dr. Grey continued to examine my injuries, carefully probing my arm where it hurt from the fall.

"Yes," I said slowly.

"Who is he?"

"I don't know, sir. It seems like I might have seen him in Community, but I can't remember him."

"Let me see," Dr. Grey said. "Let me look in your memories." I shook.

"It hurts so much when you do that," I said in a small voice.

"I won't touch the barriers, Calamity. It won't hurt."

I looked at Xavier, and he nodded slightly. "Do I do anything?"

"No, just try to relax. I will be able to find the memory faster if you try not to fight me. Just keep your mind clear, maybe think about your breathing."

I tried to comply, but I was keyed up, tense. Then I felt her in my mind again, and it didn't hurt. It felt like her touch, unexpectedly calming and cool. I couldn't stop myself from being afraid, though, however much I despised and resisted it.

"Calamity, you're resisting," she said softly out loud. "Think of a garden with a wall, flowers all around. You smell the breeze full of their fragrance. You see a beautiful wooden door in the wall and you have the key in your hand." I pictured it all as she spoke it. "Now the door opens, easily, it leads to Community, but you stay in the garden. I will go, you stay here."

I didn't see her, exactly; she was like a candle lit in the bright sunshine.

She went in, but it was still me that remembered. "Cyprus. He was with Mannik. He had a thing with copper." I whispered. "He's strong."

"Copper?" Charles looked at Hank.

"Copper, hmm," Hank said, shaking his head and thinking. “It’s a softer element. It has antimicrobial properties. It does have some biological aspects, it has to do with respiration and iron uptake, I think."

"Yes!" I remembered. "He can affect people's breathing! He could have suffocated me, but he has to be touching you because there's such a small amount in the body, but he can manipulate it. Like Magneto, but just copper, and he's not as powerful." Charles leaned forward. "And... and he's conductive to electricity.”

“That’s helpful,” Hank said.

"Hank please go talk to Elixir and Louise about what happened in more detail, including the route they took back. Please also alert the other teachers and those watching the perimeter."

Hank nodded, already walking to the door. He turned back, smiling at me encouragingly. "Next time maybe we'll do some shopping online, huh?"

I laughed a little then winced as Dr. Grey moved my arm, pain tingling through my shoulder. "Is that very painful?"

"Um, yeah, kind of."

"I don't think there's a break, but you probably twisted it, and if you're not feeling better we may need to do an MRI to make sure nothing was torn." She gently touched the marks on my arm. "I think these will heal. Copper is also involved with red blood cells; I think that's why the bruises look like this. They will heal. But I need to know if you have any other symptoms, no matter how insignificant they seem, it's very important, Calamity."

"Okay. I promise. I just feel really cold." She put a hand to my head.

"You're getting another fever, milder today. Maybe you're ill."

"It-it started when you touched the barrier." I stuttered. I didn't even like to talk about it, something in me resisted it to the point of anxiety.

"That's true. It did." She looked at me thoughtfully. "In that case, it might be that Dr. Minde placed those barriers with the intention that their removal will cause you physical pain and illness."

"Why would he possibly do that?" I said and to my frustration, tears started falling from my eyes, silently, painfully. "Why was Cyprus even there? What could Mannik or Dr. Minde possibly want from me?"


	7. Chapter 7

"I know this is difficult, my dear, but there's no way of knowing what Dr. Minde has done, or why... Believe me, we are doing everything in our power to find out and to help you. Elixir was instructed to keep you safe and to bring you back immediately if there was danger, but others have been sent to investigate this man Cyprus and bring him here for questioning if possible."

"If he comes here, then he will know where I am. And... then Dr. Minde will know."

"I assure you, you are quite well protected. You are safe here, Calamity. Dr. Grey and I are going to figure out how to remove those barriers without harming you, and your safety is our top priority."

Fear made a lump in my throat. I had only been here a few days, and it had not been the peaceful reprieve from fear and danger I had imagined. If anything, I was safer, though hungrier on the street. Like a ghost, like a demon, the thought floated in my brain that I wasn't safe anywhere, except if I ended it all. Like, died somehow. I didn't want to kill myself exactly, but I was sure as heck tired of living in fear like this. It was relentless. "I shouldn't have come here. No one found me when I was on the streets. No one wanted me. It was better that way."

Charles' brow furrowed. "My dear."

I shook the dark thought away and curled up, still freezing cold, in the chair.

"You said to talk to you if I want to leave here." I laid my head down against the arm rest, looking at him and feeling only desolation and seeing only my fears before me. The professor glanced up at Jean and nodded and she picked up her medical stuff to leave. She put a gentle hand on my forehead.

"I will need to draw some blood, just to make sure this man didn't do anything else. Charles will give you a way to contact me, day or night, if you begin to feel ill or any other symptoms." She smiled a Mona Lisa smile, one that didn't reach her eyes and barely reached her lips, but was given with kindness. She closed the door behind her.

"Calamity," Professor Xavier said, bringing my attention back to him. "My dear, I'm not a psychologist. I'm telepathic. Seeing into someone's mind, and feeling their emotions has given me a certain aptitude for assistance when someone is in distress. I sense a great pain within your mind. I know that it may be difficult and even painful for you, but I would like to try and help you." I said nothing, but there was a strange pain in my heart that wasn't exactly misery. It was an aching. A desire for something he was kind of offering; someone to care about me.

But I didn't quite trust it. How could I? The only reason I was here, the only reason Charles Xavier was speaking to me, was because of something Dr. Minde had done. Something Mannik wanted, and the Caretakers, whoever they were. It wasn't me, myself he was interested in. If all that weren't happening, who knows if he would have even let me stay here? Community kicked me out, my own parents-- I felt a stab in my heart. I didn't have a lot of trust to spare.

But it was partially why I came here. My notebook. All the articles I read. 78% good things about Charles Xavier and his school. Let's face it, he could have turned me out before now, or found someone else to babysit me. But he didn't. And he didn't have to help me. He still offered. Because one thing I kind of understood about him, even though he was still basically a stranger, is that he is a genuinely nice person who will help people when he can. There's this bad feeling I have toward him, from the nightmares. But nightmares aren't real, and I need help. I need something.

"Come and lay on this couch." Apparently I don't need to say anything; though he's not in my mind, he reads my emotions. There's a small couch I didn't notice before by one of the book shelves. I lay down on it, wondering how many other people the professor has helped like this. I feel a struggle within my mind, against trusting anyone, against needing someone who could abandon me at any time, against the pain I would feel if he left me too. And he would. He's not my father. No one is except my dad, and he died. Charles is a nice man, but he's a teacher. He'll move on, or I will, eventually. I sit up, my heart pounding. It's doing that so much lately, it will probably explode or something. Charles wheels around until he's facing me, watching me, feeling me struggle, intent, concerned.

"No, no. It's all right. You poor, poor girl." He slowly, so I can tell him to stop if I want, puts his fingers to his temple. I feel him in my mind, like before, bringing calm and peace and comfort. I can feel it, but I can't, like a sunny day when you're sad, it doesn't quite reach you. I try. I do try. I lay back and close my eyes.

_Thank you, my dear. I want you to think of the garden, where you were with Dr. Grey._ I see it easily in my mind, but the sky is gray, overcast, and the flowers around me are wilted, like they were too long in the sun without water. I look at them in surprise. I walk over to some daisies and kneel down on the grass, looking at them.

_What's wrong with them?_

I see Professor Xavier reach out and touch one of the sad flowers. It startles me and I turn and see the professor, without his wheelchair, standing near me. He looks different without it, but different in other ways, too. He's younger, maybe, or less careworn. He looks stronger, healthier, I don't know, kind of more handsome or something, and it makes me think that maybe he has his own sorrows and troubles I know nothing about, but he still chooses to help me.

_It's true that I have felt many of the things you are feeling, Calamity,_ he says, surprising me again. I hadn't realized how closely he can know what I'm thinking and I get very red. _I too have known sorrow, grief. I have felt the pain of being abandoned by my friends._

His eyes are incredibly sad, it makes me tear up a bit and it's weird to feel a tear on my physical face, separate from me in the garden, though garden me feels just as real and solid as crying me. Xavier examines the flower again. _What do you think these flowers mean?_

_I don't know. Flowers are all mixed up in my mind with my mom._ I frown, looking around the garden more attentively. _These flowers are weird._

_I admit that I am not familiar with most of them. I thought you imagined them._

_No. They're real. I mean, they exist in real life. My mom grew some of them. A lot of them, actually. She had this thing with flowers and trees._

_Why do you think they're wilted?_

_I don't know. I don't understand._ But as I looked around, I realized that not really all of them are wilted. _Professor, have you heard of the language of flowers?_

_No._

_It was a way for people to communicate in Victorian times when people didn't express their feelings out loud very much. It was mostly for people who were courting, you know, a way to discuss things when other people were around._

_That's fascinating. Do you think these flowers are using that language?_

_Maybe._

I haven't thought about this kind of thing in months. _It's weird. Daisies. They... that means innocence. It can also mean delay, though, it depends on what else is with it in the bouquet._ I was silent, looking at the odd garden. It didn't have normal flowers like roses and such; but ones like my mom grew: adonis, aloe, amaranthus, citron, gladiolus, marigolds, many more. I sat there among them, refusing to think it, holding the thought back.

_What is it? What do they mean?_ Charles asked, touching my shoulder. I picked a flower with pale green leaves and stem with little clusters of tiny yellow buds.

_Um. This is wormwood. It can mean, sorrowful parting, like when someone is sorry they don't return your love. That's what it would mean between two people courting. I don't know what it means here._ I felt sick to my stomach.  
Charles watched me a moment, then stood, offering me a hand. _Let's leave here for now, Calamity._

_Here, I'm still Star, I think._ I look around and sure enough, I spot a small burst of white flowers. Star jasmine. I think that's what I was named after. It's an unobtrusive little flower, but they smell pretty. Maybe I wasn't always a cosmic joke. I am now, but I wasn't always. I carried their hopes and dreams and failed in spectacular fashion, not by anything I did, but simply because of who I am, something I had no control over and couldn't change. The little flowers are browned at the edges as if they too hadn't gotten watered in too long.

I take his still proffered hand and pull myself up. I walk over to the little stars and touch one, wondering how it feels in my mind. I feel it, and I don't; it doesn't feel like anything. It's like a dream: real, and not real. More real than anything, and intangible.

_I don't understand._ I look up at the Professor; it feels slightly weird to be looking up to him and yet also it feels like that's how it's really supposed to be. _I thought I was imagining this place, but I don't want to think about any of these flowers. What are they doing here? Why are they wilting?_

_They are an expression of your subconscious. They mean whatever you think they mean._

_There's a lot of sad flowers here. They mean sad things._

__

_And they are dying. Or they are injured._

__

_Yeah._ I look around and see the door Dr. Grey had gone through before.

_But it's still a better place than in there._

__

_What's in there, then?_

____

_That's home. That's Community and Dr. Minde._

____

_Nothing here can hurt you, Star. They are memories._

_Memories hurt plenty._

_Yes, you're right_. Charles reached out and gently touched the ivy around the door. _Memories can be painful. But what I mean is, there's nothing there that you and I together cannot face._

I pushed open the door, forestalling further discussion. We walked through the door and it was again strange that Professor Xavier went first, taller than me.

I don't have a lot to say about the memories we saw there. We went to my house, and saw my mom and dad, and we spent some time on the days after they found out about my powerlessness, and more time when I came back after they sent me away. It was like watching a movie, but really strange and warped, it would be loud then quiet and skip forward and backward, and some of it was really clear while others we watched as if through a fuzzy lens. Professor Xavier mostly watched the memories, watched me, but he asked me a few questions. There wasn't much need to talk. He knew exactly what I was thinking and feeling.

____

It should have been painful; invasive. At times it was, especially when I didn't come across in the best light in my own mind, which was often. I don't know if he noticed. He probably did. I certainly did. But, he didn't say anything. It was just, the me in my memories, she was small. Warped looking. Kind of me but not me-- it was how I saw myself. I guess I didn't realize before. I had been focused on my parents, I hadn't paid much attention to myself, but then. There I was, sitting alone in my room listening to music. For some reason I felt terrible, I felt sick, I was ready to be done. I wanted to leave and be back at school. But I walked over to her and studied her.

____

It's not like I think of myself as ugly. I know I have somewhat of a pretty face, maybe. It's not beautiful, rather plain, but no one accused me of being ugly. Objectively speaking. I'm nothing to get excited over. But the me in my memories, the way I think about myself... she wasn't pretty. She had all the features I saw in the mirror, but she was... repulsive, somehow. I feel Xavier standing behind me, watching me watch myself, it's surreal.

____

_She looks... unlovable. She looks like someone you would find a different table rather than sit beside. She looks... I don't know._

____

_Star,_ Xavier just quietly, sadly says my name, and it's probably the most heartbreaking thing I've ever heard, I can't clearly say why.

____

_I kind of hate her,_ I confess to him. Why can't she be better? Be more? A half dozen students from my school in Community appear in the bedroom around her as I remember them, how beautiful, how strong, how powerful they were. They stand there looking at me, and I look at them and me, it's not a pretty comparison. Memory me looks as wilted and weak as the dying flowers in the garden.

____

_Come on._ Charles takes my wrist really gently and leads me out of the room and back through the door to the garden. _Close your eyes, and when you open them again, you will be back in my office._

____

I close my eyes in the gray sunlight of the overcast garden and when I open them, I'm looking into Professor X's face. He's no longer the younger, vibrant, healthy man he was. He's back to his older, more careworn, more gentle looking self. Except now he looks unhappy. I can feel him slightly in my mind, not as deep as my memories anymore, just present, listening.

____

"Yes, I want to remain here a moment. It will make our communication easier." He answers my thought out loud. He was silent a long moment, and though I could feel a slight pressure I supposed was him keeping me from knowing all his thoughts, I could feel him thinking, feel his heart hurting. It was a bizarre feeling, feeling what someone else felt at the same time I felt what I was feeling.

____

"It will take a little getting used to. Yes, you are correct, I am shielding my thoughts from you, but only because I do want to order them a bit before we converse. My dear girl--" He stopped abruptly and I felt his pain and grabbed my chest. "I apologize." The pain quickly disappeared. "Though you are not a mutant, you are certainly sensitive and empathetic, and I did not realize how much you would feel that. It was not my intent to hurt you more."

____

"It's okay Professor," I wipe my eyes. "I didn't mean to hurt you either."

____

"There's no need to apologize, my dear. It is my privilege." As embarrassed and confused as this statement makes me feel, I'm also really grateful. I can't even remember my parents being that kind to me. "Star... Calamity, as you must be, while you are in this school. There is much that I witnessed that I feel we should discuss, that might be pertinent to what happened to you when you were shopping today. However. I only have a theory, one I must discuss with Hank and Dr. Grey before I bring it to you. I want you to know that it is our priority."

____

"Um. Okay." I'm only probably 5% on what any of those memories could have to do with Cyprus, but I do realize the Professor is quite a bit more intelligent than I am, and I will have to trust him on it.

____

"There is something I can share with you, however. I am hoping... very much hoping... that I can show you something that may ease a bit of your pain. I understand, more than you can know, how hurt you feel over your parent's rejection. However, Calamity, I wish to point out that your reconnection and acceptance by your parents was horribly, tragically cut short. From your memories, I feel that perhaps they would have mended things with you. Do you think?"

____

"Yeah," I whisper. I hadn't thought of it. But yeah. Yeah, they might have. It didn't help with the fact that, especially with my dad, I never would. And probably not my mom. But. The idea that they might have? It did help.

____

"Now, my dear girl. My poor, hurt girl. I could not help but notice how you saw yourself." I bowed my head, letting my tears fall freely. "Allow me to show you how it is that I perceive you." I lifted my eyes, brow furrowed, questioning. "Close your eyes, Calamity," he instructed gently, raising his fingers to his temple.

____

I was in a beautiful, blooming garden. And I saw _me._ I almost didn't recognize myself, but it was my features. My slightly pretty face, my untamable hair, my brown eyes, my too thin body. I recognized all that. What took me a moment, was the warmth in my eyes, the kindness, the laughter. I saw my own pain but instead of shame and guilt and fear, I saw my face opened up in intelligence, interest, concern for others. I was lovely, generous.

____

"That can't be." I walked toward myself, studied me as I knelt down and touched the flowers. _I'm not like this._

____

"You are. Just. Like. This. You just don't see it, Calamity." His voice was gentle and full of sympathy, but also entreaty. "Study her, and when you ponder yourself, give yourself some of the same allowances and sympathies that you so readily give to others. Will you try?"

____

"Yes sir," I whisper, opening my eyes, startled slightly as I always am at how brightly blue his eyes are. It must be a mutation. "Thank you, sir."

____

"Calamity. Thank you. Now I sense that your friends are waiting in the hall for you, eager to turn you to Bet's ministrations of comfort food."

____

Only twenty minutes had passed. I stood slowly, the aches of my physical body reasserting themselves. I felt him in my mind, slightly, just the barest presence, and wondered if it would be appropriate to give him a hug. In answer, he held out a hand, and I took it.

____

He pulled me down in a gentle embrace. "Your strength is more than you know, Calamity. There is more to you that you understand." He releases the embrace and leaves my mind, and I walk out to where Louise and Elixir are still waiting.

____


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I strongly considered editing out the "daily log" portion that tells about her day; but screw it, it's fan fiction, I can be indulgent in my imagination :) feel free to skip it if this chapter is boring you

So.

After the first weekend of my life at the school ending up somewhat catastrophic.

This is how it went after.

For the next week, it was absolutely normal. I got in this routine, wake up, get ready, eat food, go to class all day, have homework, hang out. It's the fact that everything is normal that is abnormal, strange, unreal. Between being off the street and not feeling like I'm about to be killed or kidnapped, school just seems like something happening to someone else at first. I'm working on normal being normal, I'm working on getting to some point.

At some point, the shower whenever I needed one might not seem like such a huge luxury. Having food anytime I'm hungry or even if I'm not, at some point that will probably not be weird like it is now. I will likely stop hoarding food in the dorm room, one of probably twenty things I do that slightly annoys my roommate. At some point, thinking about math and English and science and social studies will seem normal, instead of some weird alternate reality where people worry about school instead of being killed or hungry or I don't know. I don't have to worry about where I'm going to sleep, when I will eat, if someone is going to harm me when I let my guard down.

I guess honestly, the weirdest normal thing is there are people here worry about that for me. Professor Xavier and Hank and Dr. Grey and all the teachers I'm meeting. We don't talk about it but I know they are keeping me safe from someone looking to harm me. Probably harm me. Cyprus didn't look very friendly when he was attempting to kidnap me. It's just that I can't figure out why anyone one would care enough about me to harm me. You don't usually go look for an insignificant ant to squish, at least not one in particular.

Let me tell you this. This is another weird part. I feel this anxiety growing in me, every day. Each day that nothing happens and everything is normal, I still feel it. Like something scratching at the door. I feel itchy and anxious around the teachers, especially around Professor X. I feel afraid. I can't explain it, I can't account for it. But it's there. Small but there, like a low burning fever that sometimes I don't even notice. I finally figure it's because I don't have contact with my parents. Hank has told me he's working on it, but there are a lot of barriers and he'll let me know if something comes up. I finally just stop asking altogether; if my parents wanted contact, surely they would have found me by now. I can't help but wonder if the Professor knows more than he's telling me.

I see him a surprising amount; the Professor, I mean. The classes aren't separated into years like for freshmen, sophomores, or whatever. The professors teach us a general lesson or discussion then depending on their knowledge level there are assignments to complete. Anyway, Professor Xavier teaches two of my science classes and often subs in my English class when the teacher, Ms. Frost, was called away. Which seemed pretty often, to be honest.

Louise and Bet and Elixir and other students I meet keep me pretty distracted anyway. I figure Elixir isn't going to have much to do with me being in a different grade and, you know, not socially on the same sub-category as I am; but he's nice about making sure to include me in things and often has lunch with me and Louise. I get this kind of crush on him, but it's not serious or anything. He's just nice to me. I don't imagine it will last or be serious. I meant it when I told Professor Xavier that people always ditch me in the end and I'm really just here to get an education. I never want to be on the streets again, no matter what.

I start work with Bet. She shows me how to cook. I watch her strong, capable hands as they prepare the food, and they are ordinary hands except I find something about them strangely beautiful. I think it's how easily, how effortlessly, she renders service with them. I'm pretty sure she could be in Vegas or something and make a million bucks but she's just chopping carrots. Perfect, even little circle carrots. I have told her I think every day I've worked with her that I like her ring, but I realized that it's not the ring I like, it's her hands, the generosity of them.

She's shown me tons of stuff on how to prep food and cook already. As long as she's around, cooking is really not hard, but I have to laugh because half the time when I'm on my own I burn stuff. She doesn't get mad about it, though, she always just teaches me. I think I can actually get pretty good at cooking but it's too early to tell. I mostly help with dinner, because of class, and it's actually more fun than I thought it would be. They don't pay much, but I feel like I've got the best job on campus. I think being around Bet is like, maybe, being around an aunt or something, how I imagine it. She doesn't try to be like my mom, she's just kind to me, and funny, and a good teacher, and listener, but I don't have a lot to say, she just asks about my classes and talks about the books I'm reading. I think about telling her about how I've been feeling afraid lately, maybe a little more each day, actually, but it's ridiculous and supremely ungrateful sounding; I just stamp it down as hard as I can whenever it starts.

It's really not that big of a deal. I have a ton of work to catch up on; I have no time to dwell on obscure and unfounded feelings. I wake up a lot at night, too, a vestige of my time on the streets still, so I'm pretty tired. But it's such a good tired. It's... it's a gift. This tiredness. Of doing and being busy, body and mind. And despite being afraid sometimes, and tired, I feel this other thing too I'd almost given up on-- a bit of happiness. It's like stepping into water you don't trust-- you think it will be cold, you think it will be too deep, too dark, there's something lurking there. But. I mean, it's only been a week, but. My toes are wet, and so far the water seems fine.

The classes bring a nice kind of stress; an urgency, a challenge, a testing of my mettle. Saturday, I spend the day in my dorm room trying to catch up on school stuff and really, honestly, trying not to think about anything else. Louise comes to beg me to come hang out with her, but I know she's got other people to hang out with and I'm just not in the mood. She disappears for a while and I get some work done, but I'm not feeling super happy, for some reason.

Louise sticks her head in. "You're taking a break, don't tell me no or I'll just carry you out of here." I roll my eyes, but I can see a glint in her eyes that tells me she means what she says.

"Okay," I capitulate with a grumpy pout. "But listen it can only take a minute, I'm right in the middle of this essay."

"It won't take long! Jeeze!"

I put my shoes on and follow her slowly, only to pick up my pace a bit when she gives me side eyes, a warning glance. We walk to the common room, and there's Elixir sitting on the couch grinning and there's some shopping bags beside him. I smile in return. Louise grabs my arm and steers me toward him.

"Hey! We got you something."

"What?" I look at them, perplexed, and Louise grins, her teal eyes alight with mischief and excitement. She grabs one of the bags and thrusts it in my hands.

"Me and Elixir went on a field trip just for you."

I open the bag and it's the clothes and swim suit and some fuzzy slippers from the last store we went to that I never finished shopping in. I pull the slippers out, kind of laughing, they're purple and ridiculous, but my throat constricts suddenly with emotion. They evoked some of the fear I felt at the time everything happend, but also, just remembering them there, protecting me, saving me. Risking themselves. I look at them both and want to hug them and shove them away at the same time, I'm so worried how much it will hurt them if they find out I'm lying. For a minute, though, I just don't care about that. I can't. I need this. I want this. Their friendship.

"Thank you." I said, the words sticking in my throat. I don't really have words. "Thank you, you guys. Wow. These are... wow." I hold up the slippers and laugh, wiping my face a little bit.

"Elixir picked those out." Louise said, flipping her blue-green curls away from her face.

"Oh right, blame those on me!" Elixir scoffed. "I am in no way responsible for the purple abominations. I picked this out." He reached into one of the other bags and pulled out a soft fuzzy throw pillow a soft, buttery yellow color. "I thought you might like a few things to brighten up your dorm room." He met my eyes and smiled and my heart melted and broke at the same time.

"They're not an abomination!" Louise says, annoyed. "They're epic. I got you some cute socks, too, since you wussed out and got plain shoes. Oh! And here, smell this lotion." I dutifully sniffed the pink concoction she held under my nose. It smelled like flowers, swelling the lump in my throat.

"That smells really pretty!"

"Yeah, right? And I got you a better razor, yours is crap. And a loofah, you can't keep using the school's washrags, it's practically against the law. You're too delicate." She pawed through the bag and waved the loofah around.

"I can't believe you literally just said loofah." Elixir rolled his eyes and stood up. "It's way too chic in here for me, I'll leave you to it."

I pushed the stuff off my lap and stood up, facing him. "Elixir, thank you, really. Not just for this. For that day. The day you saved me from that guy, I didn't tell you, but thank you. You both." I held out my hand to Louise and she took it, squeezing it. I couldn't help the tears kind of falling a little but I wasn't full on crying. Elixir shrugged and smiled, pushing his hair away from his forehead.

"It's all good little chickie. We were worried about you. I'm just glad you're okay now, and that you're safe. You know we got your back if you need anything, right?"

"Yeah." I swallowed the huge lump in my throat a few times. "Yeah, I do. You too. I mean... I know I'm pretty useless, but I'd be there." Elixir kind of awkwardly but sweetly patted my shoulder and waved good-bye and Louise grabbed the bags with one hand and my hand with the other to go back to our dorm room and show me the rest of the goodies.

...

A few months have gone by, and surprise! No catastrophes. Not living up to my name very well, which is fine with me.

06:30 am: My alarm goes off. It's not the annoying beeping kind, I have it set to music, but I'm awake instantly to shut it off because I've already lost one alarm clock to Louise's powerful and surprisingly accurate aim. She showers at night and skips breakfast so she likes to sleep in until, like, 10 minutes before class. I have stuff I like to do and I never can sleep in so I like to wake up early.

07:15 am: In the dining hall in the dormitory. It's pretty much like a continental breakfast at a hotel, really, but on steroids-- the pantry and fridges stocked full of anything you could ever want. You can make yourself something hot if you get there early enough, but most kids just grab something like cereal and fruit or oatmeal and toast or something. I'm watching Firestar, one of the students here, zap a few kids bread to toast it, to their amusement, but she mostly burns it, to hers. There's this kind of pretty girl with a couple of wild sparrows hopping around on the table, to it irritation and disgust of her roommate, Mistral, who keeps trying to shoo them away with gusts of wind from her hands. The birds don't actually seem to mind that much, to be honest, they're hovering on the wind or they take a little tumble and come right back. Elixir told me that Storm was tutoring her, and someday she'll be able to fly and all that. I can't imagine what it would be like to manipulate air currents. A group of guys are sitting around a table arguing about sports. I briefly entertain the idea of trying to get into a sport like basketball or baseball or something, just to have something to talk to them about, but nah. I'm pretty much too shy to talk to them anyway, and I'm not here to make friends or date or anything. I have to try and remember that I'm lying to these students. I'm fundamentally different from them, and eventually if I'm close to any of them, I will hurt their feelings. I don't want that. I need to focus on schoolwork and keep my distance.

07:50 am: First class of the day. There's a rotational schedule of which classes we have which days; I think mostly because the teachers only work here part time and they're off to their other lives on the days they're not teaching. We do a lot of the work on our own, but it's fine, I actually like it. The lectures present new material and make sure we get our questions answered, and there's usually a student TA to help between classes. Today my first class is with Professor Frost. She's in my notebook, so I'm careful to school my thoughts-- she's a powerful telepath, but if she's ever tried to read my mind I haven't felt it. I don't like her that much, to be honest, or maybe she just really intimidates me. But I like English, the class she teaches. She really knows a lot about literature and creative writing, so that's good, I've learned a lot. But Frost is a perfect name for her. She's cold, and sometimes I feel like she's contemplating eating one of us for breakfast. But she's never been anything but polite, so I don't really know why she bothers me. She's strict in her discipline, though; today when this one guy... okay, it was actually a little funny, he has this power to time travel but only ten seconds into the future, max. So he'd do it and kept giving the answer before Professor Frost could ask the question. The first couple times she just rolls her eyes a little and gives him a warning glance, but then, I don't know exactly, she does something to his mind telepathically, and he stops and is quiet and cooperative the rest of class. I don't know if she showed him an image or what, but when I asked Louise about it later she just laughed. "Don't ever mess with the teachers, Calamity. They know how to mess you up. Xavier makes sure they don't do anything permanently harmful, but believe me, they can still mess with you. Do your work and keep your mouth shut, that's my plan." Kitty Pryde was listening to our conversation and shook her head; she looked grim.

09:15 am: Next class is with Mr. Drake. He's not a professor or anything, and he doesn't seem a super lot older than some of the students. But he's like a math genius. Elixir is in this class with me, and he tells me Mr. Drake has a mutation that allows him to control ice. I kind of scoff a little or something and Elixir just grins. I don't think Mr. Drake has made his status public because I hadn't read anything about him. He's very easy going and polite to me when I start his class. He's brutally honest, though. He told me straight up I would fail his class if I didn't work hard. He doesn't sugar coat anything, and he really doesn't have a problem with discipline in his class, I think the students respect him. I actually kind of like math, and I really want to do well. I hope I can catch up, and I might ask Louise for help since math is kind of her thing. She's super bright. Elixir also warns me about this student that is an Epsilon type mutant, with major physical changes. Some have powers that can turn on or off, others are just there-- like strength or animal-type characteristics, but all Epsilon mutants are freakish in appearance. They're kind of rare, from what I understand, whether that's because they hide more or there's simply fewer of them I don't know. There's a third, more morbid and unpleasant option, that a lot of Epsilon type mutants are aborted or abandoned and even killed in some countries. So this girl she has pale skin, purple/gray hair, and pink glowing eyes. I smile tentatively at her, but she turns away, like Elixir said she would. He told me she has some sort of summoning mutation but I'm not really clear on that, and I don't want to ask. I feel bad for her though. I think she's beautiful. I wonder if Louise would be considered Epsilon type, but I don't know the extent of her powers aside from her strength. If she is, she's lucky, because she can probably hide her strange appearance if she chooses.

10:45 am: Third class of the day. Science class with Hank, or Professor McCoy as I call him in class. In class, Hank is a different person, so intelligent that I know it's hard for him to dumb it down for us. I'm super glad he's my teacher for this class, because I don't know any of the students and I feel really self-conscious and sit in the far back corner, so no one is staring at the back of my head. Like the other teachers, Hank introduced me the first day as Calamity, and told them I was from California (? Okay?) and that my mutation dealt with emotional manipulation. A few kids looked curious, but no one really asked me about it or anything, so. Anyway, the class was about biology and chemistry, but a lot of it was going over my head. Definitely my hardest class.

12:15 pm: Lunch. I take the time to go eat with Bet, since she always has a plate of something vegetarian for me. The cafeteria has pizza and stuff, but it's much quieter in the house, only a few of the teachers coming and going, but most of them get something in the cafeteria as well. A few of the students have a job there helping out at lunch time. This one guy can manipulate the water and has the dishes washed in no time flat, no big deal. The other girl is sour faced and unfriendly looking but I kind of like her for her fierceness. Bet tells me she has skin that excretes a kind of neurotoxin, like tree frogs, and that her skin is discolored but she always wears long sleeves and I don't notice any weird skin color on her face, so. She wears gloves so I guess she can handle food or whatever, and eventually Bet tells me she comes to help out hoping that she'll learn a few social skills because I guess where she came from the bullying was pretty bad and she's not great at talking to people. She rebuffs me with a frown and a scowl the few times I've thought about engaging her. I feel sorry for her.

12:50 pm: Last class of the day and no matter what the day, it's always Mr. Wagner. Three days a week he teaches Art, the other two music. I sense that the kindness he shows is born of a difficult life, and his odd appearance does take some getting use to, so I'm not surprised. I love his German accent. I hear a few things about him from Elixir, Louise, and the other students; it sounds like he's kind of awesome. An Epsilon mutant himself, he often mentors others like him like the girl in my math class. To be honest, it's a hard class for me. I just don't like to open myself up to be creative. I don't mind when the assignments are about the history of something or identifying art, but when he wants us to create something or whatever, I completely suck at that. I dread the class. I use to like art when I went to school at Community, but I guess a lot has changed. I expected things to change, I didn't expect that to change.

02:15 pm: School's out for the day, finally. Louise always has a bunch of what I call her "sportsing" activities to attend, or socializing, clubs and whatnot. I guess I should put forth and effort at some point, to help with college applications, but I need to get caught up first. That's what I tell myself, but the truth is also that I don't want to socialize. I can tell Bet is worried about it sometimes, because so far I've gone every day after class to her kitchen to get a snack before I head to the dorm room to work on homework. She words things carefully, trying to get me to go hang out with teenagers like me, but. She doesn't know I'm not like them. I mean, I've been through hard stuff, too, like a lot of them, and I can understand... but part of me knows I'm a fraud. And I just can't put up this facade, I know it's stupid, I came here to do it, but it's harder. It's much harder than I thought it would be to live a lie. I didn't count on how hard it would be, how quickly I'd be tired of it. I think subconsciously I thought Xavier would find out and let me stay anyway, but as I really am? Maybe? I just throw myself into the school work, that's so much easier. And mostly Bet doesn't say anything about it, she just feeds me and asks about my day. But I've seen that look, like she's watching me and hiding concern but not quite, my mom use to do it.

02:45 pm: I usually go back to the dorm room to do my homework and study for classes the next day. I have plenty of work to do. But today I decide to take a walk on the grounds. All day long I've been bothered, like I'm forgetting something, like today is a special day somehow. An anniversary or a birthday. But it's not, that I can remember. It's an ordinary day. It's just a Thursday. But for some reason, I can't shake a certain gloominess, a certain foreboding.

04:30 pm: I go to the kitchen to help Bet with prep work. They're three other students, a different set from the lunch crew, that also help and I'm slowly getting to know them. It's difficult around here. Most of the students are coming from homes or communities that actively were afraid or rejected them. Many of them have potentially dangerous powers so we are afraid of each other, and also I know they are afraid of themselves. Add a little teenage angst and you get a lot of maladaptive socializing. There are always adults supervising everyone. But, yeah, of course people want to make friends and just be normal teenagers in that way, so. It just takes a bit longer, a bit more effort.

First there's Albeja; she's very small, especially when so many mutants are taller than average, but she's really agile and graceful like a gymnast maybe. Her skin has some weird discolorations but I don't know that until Bet tells me because the girl is covered in tattoos, really intricate ones. Not on her face and neck, but I definitely saw them on her shoulders and arms and legs. I've never been around anyone like her, and she's generally shy but friendly. After a few days of working together she tells me that her fingernails naturally grow sharp like talons and a scratch from them is poisonous like a bee; painful and in high doses dangerous. She keeps them filed way down (and painted black) so there's no accident. I can see it, when she tells me, how I kind of thought she was cute and creepy, like a honey bee, and it clicks into place a bit. She seems like a nice girl though.

I want to tell her about me. Reciprocate. It's hard not telling her anything about myself, or only lies and partial truths, but she doesn't seem put out about my not saying much. It feels weird that I've had all this stuff happen to me and it's just bottled up inside, stuff that normally you'd want people to know. I don't get the relief of people at least knowing.

There's this nice kid, he's only twelve. He doesn't have a mutant name, he just goes by his last name, Thayer. He's a marksman-- he can hit anything at any distance you can see. But he's just a kid, you know? It doesn't make him that different from the saps, so I don't know what he's doing here. He tells me he was tested for the x-gene when his little sister kept waking up covered in insects. They didn't bite her or anything but it was fairly alarming to her family. They had no idea what was going on just kept repellent and things on her until a doctor figured out she was a mutant and was communicating or manipulating bugs even though she couldn't even walk yet. She was kept in a colder climate, I guess, but when she tested positive they tested him too and sent him here even though they didn't even know what his mutation was. They should have just kept him home. They should have. He's lonely here. But he's sweet, the teachers take good care of him. At least he's wanted. And everyone picks him for sports, so.

The last guy is probably close to 20 and he doesn't say a thing. I've never heard him speak a word, even in class (he's in my English class with Professor Frost). I can see his body is misshapen-- he's got an elongated torso, and long arms to match, long fingers. He's really good with the knives, his hands are really agile. He goes by Craft. I would say his friends call him that, but he doesn't seem to have any friends. He's always creating little beautiful things with his hands in class, it hardly seems like he's paying attention, but I guess he's pretty smart, from what Louise tells me she's heard. His eyes are an odd color, too, a hazel that is a mix between brown and a lighter brown that almost looks orange at times. He doesn't say anything even to Bet, but he stays really close to her, like a little kid or puppy. We're kind of a motley crew, tbh. But I like them. I can't help it. I feel sorry for them, and want to protect them.

06:00 pm: Dinner is served and we help get the food to everyone but there are other students who help with clean up, usually. I have homework to do, so half the time I just take my food back to the dorm room for a little quiet time.

08:00 pm: Louise usually wants to go to the common room to hang out with other students and even some of the teachers come relax and watch TV with us. Sometimes I'm totally down with this, other times it's way too stimulating and I just want to work on school stuff. If I stay put it gets Louise gets bent out of shape, but she doesn't give me too hard a time about it.

10:00 pm: Bed time and lights out. Someone comes around to check on all the students and make sure they're in bed, either a teacher or an older student. I'm usually pretty tired at this point, happy to get some rest. Louise will sometimes talk to me in the dark, just chit chatting and telling me about her day. We're getting closer as friends, I think sometimes she's kind of lonely, for all her friends and how extroverted she is. I like to wait to hear her fall asleep, her breathing gentle and even. It's dark and still and the house doesn't make any noises.

12:00 am: I drifted off and I remember a nightmare, but it comes to me in red and gray and black like a thunderstorm in hell. The school is a living presence, has thought, intent, and it's not pleasant. It locks me in and I try to get to the open front door but I can't move, I'm paralyzed. A deep, red sounding voice, the house, tells me I can never leave, and I turn and see Charles but he's standing there, all in gray clothes and his eyes are closed, he's not looking at me. His hands are clasped behind his back. I notice his eyelashes casting dark shadows on his cheeks but then it turns into spider's legs and they're crawling on his face but he doesn't move or say anything. I sit up, looking around the room, it all looks unfamiliar for a minute. Breathe. Breathe again. My heart rate starts to come down a little, but I'm unsettled. I go to the bathroom and get a drink of water; I'm not thirsty, I just want to do something normal. I have nightmares pretty much every night; always about the school and the teachers, sometimes the other students. I don't remember having nightmares much when I was on the street, but maybe I never slept deeply enough. I get back in bed and turn my pillow to the cool side and try to go back to sleep.

02:10 am: I can't sleep.

03:22 am: I can't sleep.

04:07 am: I remember what today was. On this day four years ago when I was eleven, my parents and I went on a little vacation and it was the first day of our trip. I told myself I would always remember it as one of the most fun days ever, we just did whatever we wanted, dessert for dinner and going on rides and staying up late and I just thought it was a really fun day. I thought it was the beginning of the best time in my life, that I was growing up and it would all get easier and better. I reach over and turn off my alarm. I'm not getting any more sleep tonight.

...

 _"Wake.Up!"_ Someone is shaking my shoulder and I roll over quickly, fear stabbing through me and my heart going from sleeping rate to sky high, terror and fear-high. My body reacted to the fleeting thought that I had fallen too deeply asleep and left myself vulnerable on the street, so it was a second before I understood that I saw Louise leaning over me looking grumpy.

"For freak's sake, Louise, what's wrong?" I pant out, holding my chest. I clench my hands and they stop shaking. Relatively speaking, I wasn't on the streets that long. How long, how long would it be until the fear went away?

"Your alarm has been going off for like three minutes." She informs me irritably, tossing a pillow at my face that I catch. She's sitting on the end of my bed glaring at me, softened somewhat by the fact that she's still half asleep and bleary-eyed. How anyone can look so gorgeous after rolling out of bed is beyond me. Even after sleeping on them, her curls are perfect spirals like a mermaid.

"Sorry," I click the alarm off then groan and cover myself back up. I haven't slept through an alarm since a lifetime ago when I was in Community. "It's freezing in here, did you mess with the temperature?"

"No! You're _always_ cold, you should put some meat on your bones. Hey, are you okay? You look crappy."

"Gee, thanks." It's been a week since the scary dream I had with Charles' spider eyes and the evil mansion. I hadn't had any nightmares for a few days after that but the past three nights they started back up again and last night was a pretty bad one. The details were hazy but in one of them, I was in class and the desk started floating and the furniture was alive and really sinister and I ran out of class and shut the door and I was holding it closed but somehow the desk, like, reached through the crack between the door and door frame and grabbed my arm and was scrapping my wrist. It seemed stupid now that I was awake that I was afraid, but it was unaccountably terrifying and I didn't even like remembering it. "I'm just tired."

"Huh. You look sick." She grabbed her pink fluffy blanket off her bed and wrapped it tightly around herself, laying across my bed with her head on my ankles. "You better go see Dr. Grey, Calamity."

"I'm just tired," I say, my words muffled against my pillow.

"You were having a bad time sleeping last night. The last few nights, actually, right?" A guarded-ness creeps into her tone.

I uncovered my face and looked at her. Her bright eyes were watching me intently. "I woke you up? Why didn't you wake me up?"

"You know Dr. Grey can totally help with that. And you don't just look tired. You look sick. You look like you have a fever."

"I've had fevers before, it's no big deal!" I do feel kind of crappy. My body hurt all over. Despite being somewhat used to having less sleep, I was as tired as if I'd just run a marathon.

"Yeah, well. Dr. Grey said to tell her if you were sick, and you better. Sick mutants are less predictable because it can affect their focus and concentration and even their physiology."

"I seriously doubt anyone needs to worry about it with me," I mutter.

"Whatever. If you don't go to the clinic I'll just tell on you." She flopped onto her stomach. "You know I will."

"Okay! Fine. I was just getting caught up in my classes, this completely sucks."

"Yep! Sucks to be you. Except you can go back to sleep. Want me to bring you some breakfast?"

"Dang. Sorry you're getting up so early because of me. And nah, I'm not hungry."

"It's fine." She said grumpily but with a little smile. "Bet will be mad you know if you don't eat." I rolled back up in my blanket and listened to her hum while she threw some clothes on. "Be back before class to check on you."

"Thanks."

With a sinking feeling, I realized Louise was right. I probably should check in with Dr. Grey. I just... really don't want to. Dr. Grey is sometimes part of my nightmares, though definitely not as much as Professor X. I figure the nightmares are just nightmares, and I'm probably sick because I've been under a lot of stress, so I don't even want to go. But this is not the first time I've had headaches and fever when I wake up in the morning and I maybe contracted some weird disease from someone, I don't know.

Another part of me also wants the opportunity to question Dr. Grey. I only see Hank and the Professor during class; I can't very well question them about what's going on at that moment. About Cyprus. About the things Dr. Minde did to my memories. About my mom and dad. About Mannik and Community. I've been in an artificial bubble the past few weeks, and there was a part of me that just wants to ignore everything and stay there, work on my homework, not talk about anything or bring it up. But I do want to know. Not really want. Need to. I need to know.

I doze off for a while before waking up and dragging myself to the bathroom for a shower. Louise's right, I do look like crap. I lean toward the mirror. My face is even more pale than usual, you can see the smattering of freckles I have across my cheeks and nose. I have dark circles under my eyes and I generally look tired and sick. My hands are freezing but I can tell my forehead is hot, so yeah probably with the fever, I guess. The hot water from the shower feels good.

Louise is sitting on her bed filing her nails when I come out of the bathroom dressed in my slouchiest clothes. She eyed me skeptically. "You're seriously wearing that?"

"I like this hoodie," I told her defensively. "It's nicer than a lot of my other old clothes. And it's cleaner, at least." I couldn't smell the streets on it anymore.

"But people will see you, you know."

"Yeah, I figured but I just don't care, Louise." She stood up and put an arm around me, knocking me off balance. She forgets her own strength.

"Yeah, I know, that's one of the things I like about you. Sort of."

"Gee, thanks again."

"No problem. I'm walking you to the clinic before I go to class."

"That's really not necessary."

"It's not like we're not heading the same way." She grabbed her backpack and opened the door looking at me expectantly and we walked to the mansion. She gave my shoulder a pat, seeing my look of dread before I walked down the stairs.

"It'll be fine, Calamity. Maybe you'll even feel better. I don't like it when... I want you to get some good sleep." I saw a glimpse of her concern and felt guilty, both that I was keeping her awake and making her concerned, and that I was lying about who I was to someone who was kind and compassionate. I made a mental note to ask Professor Xavier if I could tell just her about who I really was.

"Thanks, Louise. You're the best."

I checked in with the medical assistant and there were a couple of other students in the waiting room. The clinic wasn't ever super busy but it was steady; it was tricky taking care of sick mutants, and it was not just members of the school that sought it out. From what I understood, lots of mutants came here instead of to the regular doctor. Having a mutation might make even ordinary diseases behave differently and it took a bright mind to grasp it all and know what to do to help. I guess it's not a huge surprise that someone as powerful and talented as Dr. Grey would be needed, even if it is just to tend to adolescent mutants. New branches of medicine and science were just beginning to be explored.

The waiting room was empty for fifteen minutes before the medical assistant came to the doorway and called my name. "Calamity."

I had been vaguely anxious waiting and waiting, my head and body aching. I regretted that I hadn't had Louise get me some toast or something because I also felt lightheaded and nauseated like my blood sugar was kind of low. The combination made me feel pretty crappy.

Dr. Grey looked up from her computer as I entered.

"Hello Calamity," she greeted me quietly. Her keen eyes took in my appearance and narrowed slightly. She looked as beautiful as ever, her bright red hair in a low ponytail, simple and pretty. Why was I afraid? I hated feeling afraid. Fighting against my fear and anxiety, combined with not sleeping well, and all the pain, stress, and illness my body was going through made me feel suddenly faint. Dr. Grey came to me immediately and grasped my upper arm. I tried to stand up but my legs were like noodles. I felt her arm go around me and she practically carried me to the exam table and lifted me on it, calling for the nurse. For a moment I wasn't thinking anything, it was all gray and fuzzy, but after a moment my head cleared and I could only wonder why I had been afraid of Jean Grey. I remembered when she hugged me once, when I really needed it. I realized at that moment that my anxieties and fears were out of control, that I needed help.

The nurse, Georgia, comes in quickly but calmly and Dr. Grey tells her to get IV supplies and juice and wants her to draw some blood. The medical assistant comes in and starts getting my vital signs and I just lay back on the pillow, resigned, and I feel too sick to put up a fight tbh. But I don't feel like I'm going to faint anymore, at least.

"I'm okay, sorry for the trouble," I say to Dr. Grey as she shines a light into my eyes. "I should have grabbed breakfast but my stomach was upset."

"What are your other symptoms?"

"She's febrile at 39.6 degrees, doctor. Heart rate 110 and BP 89/62."

"Thank you."

"Um, I just don't feel well," I answer her uncertainly. I watch her scribble something on a prescription pad and tear the page off and hand it to the assistant. Dr. Grey turned and looked at me intently, her brow furrowed. She closed her eyes and appears to be concentrating a moment, the turns to me again.

"How long have you been feeling ill, Calamity?"

"Well, a while, I guess, I thought I was just tired because I haven't been sleeping well."

"Difficulty sleeping? Why?"

"These nightmares I've been having." She doesn't say anything for a long moment, looking down, thinking. The nurse comes in and starts an IV, getting some blood at the same time. Dr. Grey has her start some fluid and give me some medicine for my nausea and something for the pain. She drills me on my symptoms and I answer honestly, though I'm nervous she'll be ticked that I didn't come in sooner or at least let her know about the fevers coming and going. But she just writes it down and doesn't say anything.

"Tell me the nightmares." She commanded me, but kindly. I hesitated; they seem so ungrateful. I think of what Louise said, how she could maybe help me. I just think even one night's peaceful sleep would be really nice, so.

"They're, um, always about the school. That it's dangerous here. I get afraid and try to leave and..." I don't want to say anything back about Professor Xavier. Even though it's just a dream. I look up at Dr. Grey, sad and frustrated. She just nods to encourage me. "And Professor Xavier. He's in the dreams. He's scary. I don't think he is, in real life," I finish hurriedly. "He's always very nice. I mean, he took me in. He's helped me. Saved me, really, I don't know why I dream that."

Dr. Grey doesn't say anything, just writes down a few notes. She looks at me, watching me, gauging me. "I have someone I wish you to see," she says finally.

"Who?"

"A friend of the professor. She's a very intelligent mutant, and I think she can help us figure a few things out. We've wanted her to meet you for a few weeks, but she's been... away. She got here late last night, I was going to have her see you tomorrow but perhaps today would be better."

"Is she a doctor?"

"Not as such, but she's quite as knowledgeable as a doctor."

"I just want to know what's going on. With me. With everything. After everything that happened... I just don't know anything."

The door to the exam room opened and Professor Xavier wheeled himself in. I tried to sit up but Dr. Grey put a hand on my shoulder, keeping me laying back.

"Calamity, Dr. Grey told me you were ill. How are you feeling?" He asked intently. She told him? Ah, when she seemed like she was concentrating before. I wondered how far apart they could be and still communicate. Apparently anywhere within the school is not a problem.

 _Just send a text like a normal person,_ I thought irritably.

"I'm feeling better now, sir. I'm sorry. It always seems like I'm causing trouble."

"It may seem like that, my dear, but I don't think that's the reality of it." His statement confused me a little, but the fact that he called me 'my dear' again made me feel slightly better. He hadn't called me that in a while, but I guess we hadn't spoken outside of class either. He and Dr. Grey kept looking at each other and I could help but think they were talking about me, it was awkward.

"Calamity has been asking for information," Dr. Grey said, probably only aloud for my benefit.

"I'm sure you have many questions. I have been wanting to speak with you, and I have also wanted to let you focus on your studies and not worry you unduly when I don't have all the answers. However. I believe the time has come to give you at least the answers I have."

"Why now?"

"Because I believe I understand the nature of your present condition and that it will be in your best interest if I share that information with you."

"Um. Okay." I didn't exactly appreciate that he had been gatekeeping information that was probably important to me, but on the other hand... the idea that he cared about me was nice. Not worrying that much about it had been nice.

"First. We were unable to catch Cyprus." I had figured as much when no one ever said anything to me. "He was gone by the time we arrived, after evading police and escaping with help. So we cannot say for certain what his plans were for you."

"Then you don't know why he was after me?"

"We have some idea of why he tried to take you, but I'm afraid I'm not certain. We do know it was not happenstance, that he was sent to the area looking for you. Dr. Minde and his followers are very actively seeking you."

"I'm sorry Professor but you must be mistaken. Those people could _not_ care less about me. Once they found out I'm not a mutant, I might as well have ceased to exist." Their indifference, their willingness to send me away, was almost worse than their hatred would have been. Hatred still assigns a value to someone, whereas their apathy didn't.

"I believe the answer to that particular mystery lies in your own mind, my dear. And those psychic blocks are not only hiding the truth, but I believe they are also alerting someone in Community of your approximate location, presumably Dr. Minde himself." I pushed myself up, alarmed, but Charles held up a calming hand, his blue eyes piercing mine. "The school is well protected, my dear, from any who seek to harm any of the occupants of this school. Dr. Minde is not powerful or smart enough to find you here, nor would he dare try to harm you here. We have many safeties in place to prevent an attack, telepathic or otherwise."

"But... how did he know I'd be shopping?"

"He did not. He only knew that you were in the proximity and I assume sent Cyprus and others to watch places around here that you might go. It was merely an unfortunate mix of a good guess and bad timing for you. And Cyprus likely did not expect to meet you and was unprepared when he met with resistance. However, the school has a reputation within certain circles, as you are aware, and I think we can safely assume that they know you are here."

I think about this a long minute. "Does that mean that I can tell the others the truth?"

"On the whole, I would say it's safer to continue as we have discussed."

"Can't I even tell Louise and Bet?" I pleaded. "I hate lying to them!"

"I'm aware of your discomfort and I am sorry. But it is for your safety, and quite possibly theirs as well. Louise and Elixir will be known by sight to Cyprus which somewhat increases the risk to them already."

"I don't understand how they would be in more danger than they already are. And if they know I'm here, then what's the point?"

"There's no reason to make it any easier for them to find you, Calamity. They will not be able to send someone who does not know you, which is helpful because you will probably know them. They may suppose we are not keeping you here anymore but will not be able to confirm it. Please do as I have instructed. I know you see the value in cloaking your identity, though it pains us both."

"Yes, sir." I swallow a lump in my throat and look away from him for a moment.

"Calamity, I wish to link to you telepathically to aid our communication."

"What's wrong with just talking?"

"Nothing. However. I need to examine the psychic barriers myself before Sage comes to see you, and I am much better able to explain things if we are linked in that way."

"Do I have a choice?"

"Of course," he said softly, his brow furrowed. I don't know if he's upset that I asked or upset that I'm hesitating or both but the restrained look of hurt I catch in his eye makes me soften.

"Okay. Sorry, it's just--" I don't quite know how to finish my sentence. After a long moment of silence, I catch his gaze again. "It's just that I'm afraid, and I hate that." I'd rather be anything-- angry, sad even, than be afraid.

"Sometimes the only way to eliminate fear is to do the thing you are afraid of," Dr. Grey said quietly.

"Yeah. Okay." I wonder if someone as powerful as Jean Grey has ever had to feel afraid of anything. I get what she's saying though. I clench my hand as I feel my face start to turn red with embarrassment over what I wanted to say next.

"Professor... if you're in my mind. You might... I've been having nightmares." He raised his eyebrows, intently listening. "You're in them," I said, feeling awkward and lame. "But I'm not afraid of you. I'm sorry."

He frowns in sympathy. He doesn't seem hurt by my confession, that's good, but I feel angry and embarrassed. "It's all right, child," he says simply. "I'm sorry you are having nightmares, they can be very, very difficult." He glanced at Dr. Grey.

"It's all fine, I just... and bad things happen when anyone messes with those barriers. If you're going to look at them, then I just want to get it over with. I feel so tired, I just want to sleep."

"I imagine that to be true. I don't understand why you did not come to me or Dr. Grey with your troubles, Calamity."

"Dispense with the lecture, Charles," Dr. Grey interrupts quietly. "What's done is done."

"Very well. Close your eyes Calamity." I do and I feel his gentle presence in my mind, warm and kind as always yet a squirm of fear snakes through me and I feel him hesitate. Dr. Grey joins us a moment later, her sharper, brighter presence casting shadows as it brightens. I feel my resolve flag and inadvertently resist their presence as nausea rolls through me.

 _I'm sorry,_ I tell him. _I'm so sorry._ All my frustration and anger and anxiety about being afraid, constantly afraid, fill me. I can't help it. I can never help it. I'm overwhelmed and I feel darkness, fuzziness at the edges of my mind and then I feel Charles leave my mind like the withdrawal of a hand on my shoulder. I sit up gasping.

"I can't allow for this if she is going to nearly faint. If the IV has some time to deliver medications and fluid, perhaps-"

"N-no, Dr. Grey, I'm okay, I'm sorry. Terribly sorry." Professor Xavier has his fingers pressed against his temple but he lowers his hand slowly, his expression unreadable.

"You're certainly not okay, Calamity," he says calmly. "There is something terribly amiss. I did not even encounter the barrier before you reacted. Jean, you have seen them before, what did you observe?"

"There was very little time to see anything, but the illness is certainly reminiscent of the one she had after the barrier was encountered before."

"I can give you more time. I'm prepared this time. I can be more careful of my emotions, professor." Professor Xavier took in my face, red and tearful and pale and anxious, my fevered eyes, my tired and wasted body. Then he reached out and gently took my hand, careful of the IV.

"I thought having you stay here would keep you safe," he said, almost to himself. "I very much wish to keep you safe and healthy and happy. But you're none of those things. You're afraid." He squeezed my hand. "You've never been able to keep your feelings from me, my dear. I can see that you're suffering. Yet all the protection I've tried to offer you, the refuge I've hoped this school would be, has only seemed to make matters worse and I don't know why. I was hoping Sage would be able to shed some light on what is happening here, but I'm also afraid, yes, afraid myself, that it will only make things worse."

"Professor," I croaked, the lump in my throat catching at my words. I gripped his hand like a lifeline. "I've lost everything I've known. My home and family. I haven't got anything left. There's nothing for me to go back to if I can't hack it here. Even if I'm not healthy, safe, or happy, I'm still where I belong. The only place I want to be. If it kills me." He grasped my hand tightly, but I forged on. "If it kills me, I don't want to be anywhere else. Please, Professor. Try again. The barriers... I need your help. I need your strength. Dr. Grey. Hank. I need you guys to help me, I can't fight them, I can't fight this or anything on my own. I need you. Please."

The Professor held my gaze a long time, and the fear that had been in me has burned away under the kindness and concern I saw there. He finally looked up at Dr. Grey. "Jean. Is she strong enough for one more attempt?"

"Don't ask her!" I tell him fiercely. I don't care, at that moment, what Dr. Grey thinks. It's my life. It's the risk I want to take or not. "Ask me. I. Am. Strong. Enough." Not strong enough to fight this, but strong enough to let them help me; is that enough? I can't stop them from telepathically communicating, but apparently, he takes my word for it or she concurs.

"Alright, my dear, alright. Calm your mind. This time I must insist that you allow me to help you with your emotions. If I sense them causing you danger, I will help you change them."

"You can manipulate emotions?"

"No, Calamity, I can manipulate your thoughts and your thoughts will change your emotions. Close your eyes. This will take some trust, so if you cannot--"

"I can do it, just... can we just do it and get it over with, please?" I think I do trust him; I don't know. I've been alone so long, trust and faith in others is still something I'm developing. He says nothing but I feel the press of him against my mind and I do my best to relax. I don't know if it helps at all but I imagine a door opening like I did with Dr. Grey before. It's like someone in the room coming and sitting next to you; they were there and then they were more there.

This time I'm doing all I can to think of nothing at all. I stare at the blackness behind my eyelids and try not to think any thoughts. When they come I push them aside and concentrate on listening to the sound of my own breathing. I feel Professor Xavier in my mind, and occasionally a memory that he's examining will pop up in my mind, but I don't pay it any attention. I quickly divert my attention back to my breathing, but despite my effort, I can feel my anxiety creeping up incrementally.

_Calm,_ he says softly in my mind. _Do not fear._

Because I won't think of it, because I am doing my best to just control my emotions, perhaps with Charles' help I don't know, it's over before I know it. I don't feel much of anything except tired. I slowly open my eyes, and Charles' blue eyes and Jean's leaf-green ones are peering down at me.

"The barrier-"

"Yes, I saw it, though I did not dare touch it. It's a foul thing. It's polluting your mind, I can see it clearly. I don't think we have any choice, for your own safety and health, but to remove it. Jean and I could do it, be we believe that it might be safer if Sage looks at it first and is here to assist us."

"Polluting my mind," I murmur. "What do you mean?"

"I want to tell you all about it, and I will. But I believe while it is important, it is not urgent. I believe rest is both important and urgent for you, my dear, and I am going to help you fall asleep now."

I say nothing. The truth is, squashing out my emotions has left me drained and I don't have any fear or distress to draw energy from so I feel so tired I could cry. I close my eyes. I feel Charles in my mind, and then I feel his hand against my forehead, strong and gentle. He doesn't give me any memories this time, just a subtle subduing of my thoughts until all is blessed blankness, and then the darkness swallows me and I'm asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

I feel like I'm fighting through a wet blanket to wake up, but I have to use the bathroom, so I _do_ fight. When I open my eyes, I'm alone and the lights are dimmed. I'm weirdly disoriented, feeling out of touch with time; a day could have gone by or hours or only a few minutes. I can't tell if it's day or night.

I'm no longer in the exam room; I'm in a hospital bed in a bigger room that still feels like a hospital or medical facility. I feel a stab of anxiety and embarrassment that someone moved me while I was asleep. A clock on the wall showed that it was almost eleven, but the infomation doesn't give me as much help as I'd hoped. 

I contemplate the IV in my hand. It's still dripping a clear fluid into my arm but I've had enough, I think, and I don't want to drag it to the bathroom anyway so I reach over to pull it out.

"Please don't do that," a voice says coolly. I look around, startled and guilty, and there's a woman sitting in a chair kind of behind me where I hadn't noticed her.

"Sorry," I say quickly, although, tbh, I'm not that sorry, I'm more just afraid of her because the woman is intimidating with a capital I. She stands up and she's pretty but in a severe way, a little like Emma Frost in that she doesn't seem like she smiles much, competent, and not to be trifled with.

"I understand the impulse to remove your medical device but it is still necessary to aid your recovery." She steps closer and I take in the details-- raven black hair, blue eyes. Not bright like the Professor's are. Dark like you can't tell they're blue at first then you realize when she's looking right at you. Even in the dim light, I can see what appears to be facial tattoos; the stood out on her pale face. They are both attractive and off-putting. I want to stare at her face and look away at the same time. She's wearing all black, close-fitting, in a way that could be considered provocative on some other women but this was not a woman using her sexuality. She was as natural and lethal as a jaguar, and her clothes seemed calculated to simply not get in her way. 

"They call me Sage. I am aware of your name, Calamity."

"Oh... nice to meet you," I respond hesitantly, trying not to make it sound like a question.

Sage walks over to the computer, again, with the gracefulness and perfection of a prima ballerina. She begins typing away at it all while maintaining eye contact with me and speaking again. "You may have some questions about me. Out of courtesy and to facilitate our working together, I will give you some information about myself."

"Thank you?" She was so unlike anyone I'd met. It was like she was some kind of robot or something, so precise and cerebral, but no machine could move with such grace. It was very off-putting.

"Charles and I met many years ago when mutants were still relatively unheard of. In fact, I was the first mutant that Charles met, even before Magneto. We have been friends and allies since that time, though there are times we have a difference of opinion. I respect him and help him when I am able and it was he that asked me to come and try and help you." All the while she was typing, sometimes one-handed, at incredible speed, at times taking a drink or even making a note on paper with her other hand. I watched in amazement, too surprised to respond much.

"My mutant abilities include being able to 'read' other mutant's DNA and discover their abilities, also at times jump-starting those abilities or amplifying them. I also have infinite memory and my intellectual capacity has, so far, not found a limit. I also have other mental powers."

"I'll bet," I say quietly in amazement.

"Yes. I am here to assist in the removal of your mental blocks, and perhaps assist after they are removed if you need medical attention."

"But you're not a doctor?"

"My intellectual capacity has allowed me to have the knowledge and education of a doctor, but I have not been to medical school, I am self-taught so I do not consider myself a doctor though I could perform adequately as one."

"Oh." That appeared to be all my brain could think about that. "These other 'mental powers' you speak of... do they include telepathy?" I guess telepathy wasn't as rare as I thought it was; a chilling idea. It seemed so invasive, so _frightening_ that someone could be accessing my thoughts without my knowledge. I shuddered.

Sage has been apparently giving me her full attention, but now her hands stop and she regards me thoughtfully. "I can, when I choose, use my mind in that way. However, and this is not common knowledge so I ask you to refrain from discussing it with anyone, I do not under normal circumstances use it, except in dire need. I have had many unpleasant encounters both in using that gift and having it used on me. Now all my focus and attention are on shielding my mind from such powers. In fact, one of the shields around the school is my creation and has no doubt been instrumental in keeping Dr. Minde from telepathically locating you, despite the psychic barriers acting as a kind of homing beacon, or tracking device."

"Oh." I processed this a moment. "Thank you."

"No need for gratitude, child. Now. I assume you must need to attend yourself in the bathroom. I must again request that you leave your IV in place for the duration of your stay. This room has its own bathroom, there." She glances at a door. "Do you require assistance?"

" _No_ ," I say quickly. "No, thank you." Personal boundaries, people. Come on.

"Very well. I will leave you briefly to summon the others."

"Okay."

When I'm done, they're still not back. I sit back down on the bed, still tired, still feeling sick, but much better than I was. Though Sage is strange and a little bit freaky, I'm oddly comforted by her presence. I feel like... she won't let me down. I don't feel the same underlying fear I do of Dr. Grey and the Professor, irrational as I know those fears to be.

The three of them come in within a few minutes. Charles wheels over to where I'm sitting on the bed and our knees are almost touching and he looks into my eyes. I feel him connect with me telepathically, but he speaks aloud.

"How are you feeling, my dear?"

"Much better. Stronger. I'm still tired, but, not like before." Dr. Grey comes over and feels my forehead and listens to my chest.

"Her vital signs are all improved from baseline."

"I'm gratified to hear it. I'm going to look into your mind now as well. It will be best if you lie back, I think." 

Obediently, I lay down and close my eyes, taking a deep breath. Though he's there and I can feel it, no images come, no memories because he's not there for any of that. He's near the barrier; I can tell. Nausea rises in my stomach and I feel cold, but it doesn't get any worse. I feel better instantly when he withdraws from the barrier.

I feel like I open my eyes, but they're still closed, I'm still lying on the bed, but I'm back in the garden. I can feel Charles there too, but I don't see him yet. The garden has changed. There's a large locust tree, one I don't remember seeing before, yet it feels familiar. I feel fear, real fear.

_What is it? That tree, what does it mean?_ Charles asks.

_I don't know._ But it's not true, I do know, I just don't want to. There's small purple, four-leafed flowers around the tree--moonwort, forgetfulness. Citron, sadness. It's pointless to lie, he knows, he knows everything I know when I'm looking at them, but I still don't say it. Moss growing on the locust tree, maternal love. Cardamine, paternal error. Emotions begin to squirm their way up from the depths of darkness. Charles doesn't ask again what the plants mean, but I know he's trying to reach a conclusion that I'm trying to avoid.

He's beside me now, examining the plants, but then he turns to me-- young Charles again, strong, powerful, his gaze piercing me but I'm already pierced through and through, nothing to hide, no secret to reveal. I changed my mind, I say frantically, looking around as if for a door to escape. But there's no escaping this, and my mind cannot be changed. I pull away from him mentally, but it's useless, his hand is gently on my shoulder.

_Calm your mind, Calamity. I am here with you to help as best I can. Steady._

_If we take away those barriers, then we will know everything that happened._

_Yes._

_I changed... I don't think we should. I can't. I don't want to._

_Removing the barrier won't change what happened. All it's doing now is preventing you from healing, like a wound that will never close and you will never recover from._ I look up at him, so angry at him for telling me this even if it's the truth I don't want to hear it.

_Don't!_

_I must. YOU must, my dear._ He reaches down and takes my hand. Aside from Dr. Grey embracing me the day of the attack, I can't really remember someone just making a gesture like that, one that a parent might make. _I will stay with you._

_We all will,_ Dr. Grey says gently. She and Sage are here now, and I see them-- beautiful and strong, powerful. I feel small and helpless.

_Not helpless,_ Sage says. Here, she does not have the tattoos on her face; she looks very different. I meet each of their eyes and wait, knowing this is not really their battle but mine, my fight against whatever Dr. Minde did to me, against whatever is behind the barrier. They can help me but they can't fight it without me.

_I thought you never used your telepathy unless it was dire,_ I say, glancing at Sage surreptitiously.

_Indeed I do not._ she returns my gaze, directly, and I get a glimpse of an almost smile. It makes me feel slightly better, though knowing I'm in a situation Sage would deem dire is not much comfort.

_Tell me what to do._

_Try and relax,_ Charles says, and there's a heavy pause. _I'm sure you have already surmised, but this is likely to hurt. I will spare you all I can, but you must do your very best not to fight and make it worse. It will be difficult, but try to relax._

I clench my eyes and jaw shut tightly, anticipating the return of pain and the breath out slowly, trying to force myself to relax. I suddenly miss Louise, and Elixir, and Bet, and I wish that my mother and father were here, as much as they rejected me, I thought they would probably still support me through something like this. Would they? What would it take to turn their feelings back to me as their daughter?

I feel Charles take my bodily hand and squeeze it gently. I feel the press of his power on my mind, my emotions, and the more practical Dr. Grey exerting her influence to suppress my anxiety and flares of emotions. I'm thankful, though. I don't resist. I trust. It was as if the whole time I've been clinging to the side of the pool and now I let go. I'm floating, I'm afraid, I can't swim, but Dr. Grey and Charles are there and they won't let me drown; I don't thrash.

In my mind, in the garden, Charles steps to my side and puts an arm around my shoulders, holding me as if to support me if I fall. Dr. Grey, Jean, stands closely, her arm brushing mine. I watch Sage, who is looking around the garden, walk toward the wall with the door that housed my memories. She gestures a slight swiping motion and the wall and door fly away, disappearing, and a sickly, electric pink wall stands before me. As it is revealed to my sight, I feel a stab of physical pain and nausea, but Jean holds up her hand as if deflecting something, and Charles' hand tightens around me and I feel his strength.

I can see what Charles meant about the barrier being a poisonous thing. It smelled of rotting flowers, of rancid fruit. I gagged. As I said, it was pink, and it glowed faintly but it's light brought darkness to my mind, like staring at a bright light and leaving blackness before your eyes. It radiated a faint sound like humming, barely perceptible, but the sound went to my knees, making me feel weak.

My legs are actually shaking, and I feel the warmth and strength of Charles' arm around me, supporting me. Sage walks up to the barrier, her hands stretched out before her, feeling it, examining it carefully.

_Crude but effective._

_Can you safely remove it?_

She doesn't say anything for a moment, continuing to assess the wall. She walks around it, and anytime she moves closer to it, I feel pain, nausea, weakness. But Charles has me. Jean has walked up to join Sage, also extending her hands. They converse quietly, I can't hear them; the humming sound from the barrier, though faint, drowns out most other sounds.

Sage and Dr. Grey walk over to Charles and me. _I can remove it. It will not be difficult, but she will certainly react negatively._ She looks down at me. _I cannot guarantee what will happen._

_What will happen if we don't?_

_I cannot say for certain. But I can tell you that it is meant to do her harm, and it will. I cannot guess the extent of that harm if it remains in place because I do not know what is behind the barrier. It is certainly how he's gotten so close to finding her once Jean encountered it, it triggered something._

_I fear we have little choice._ Charles pressed me closer to him in encouragement. I met Sage's gaze.

_Do it._

Sage gave me a tight but genuine smile and looked to Dr. Grey. _Perhaps you will assist me with the removal._ Jean nodded, then looked down to me. She said nothing for a moment then put her cool hand on my shoulder.

_Be brave, child._

_Calamity, come back with me._ I look up at Charles, his brow furrowed, his piercing blue eyes full of concern, intensely watching me. I nod and open my eyes in the medical room.

Jean and Sage are standing over my bed, their eyes closed. Charles opens his eyes, lowering his fingers from his temple. I sit on the bedside and he takes my hands. "Very well. Let it be done."

At first I feel nothing. Jean and Sage take a breath in in the same moment, preparing themselves for the effort. Then I feel a pressure beginning in my head, like a sinus infection, but it builds and builds and then the pain starts. I gasp and grip Charles' hands tighter, but it feels like someone is taking a sledgehammer to my skull; not one brief blow, but a sustained one, as if someone is pushing and pushing, driving an ice pick into my brain.

"Calamity!" I hear Charles say. I try to answer but I can't, all is pain, and then the nausea hits, which is almost worse. I feel faint, but in my mind I feel Dr. Grey keeping the darkness at bay, warding it off even as Sage began lifting the barrier. Destroying it. But it's entwined with me, it feels like she's destroying part of me. I'm doing my best to suppress a sob, a scream, but it's building in my chest and throat. My eyes are rammed tightly shut and suddenly the scream escapes my throat, it feels like my head is exploding, then darkness.

...

_She's resurfacing,_ I hear the voice both in my head and in my ears. I felt hands on me, for help or harm I did not know, but it did not matter-- I could no more move than I could fly to the moon. The helpless ant under the magnifying glass again, and I felt fear, but it was far, far away and I was so, so tired.

I felt Charles grasp on my mind like a hand on my elbow, guiding me, not leaving me.

It took effort. I would classify it as a herculean effort, really. But I thought about Elixir, and Louise, and Bet. I thought about the friendship and kindness they'd shown me.

The thought, the idea of my parents wandered through my mind. Would they be proud of me? I hoped they would.

And the Professor. He had stayed with me. I could see in his mind clearly, the pain that he experienced by staying in my mind with me through it all, the toll it took to steady me while my psyche crumbled. I saw his face in a moment where I was slipping away from them, his grief and fear. Dr. Grey, as well, her power and strength melded to me, and Sage, using her gifts to destroy the barrier. So I pushed as hard as I could against the weakness, the tiredness, like the last kicks toward the surface when you are nearly drowned, and I opened my eyes.

I first see Charles. The Professor. He looked beyond tired, haggard even. He's sweaty and his cheeks are wet with tears and he is watching me with a haunted expression. "There you are," he says.

I feel someone take my hand and it's Dr. Grey. "Calamity, are you all right?"

"I think so..." I murmur. "What happened?" I looked around for Sage and she stepped forward from behind Jean.

_I removed the barrier from your mind. Unfortunately, it was more dangerous to you than I anticipated._ She was in my mind, and it felt like someone pressing on a bruise; I wince and push my fingers to my temples. _I apologize for your discomfort; indeed I share it. Yet I must be here to build a telepathic shield against Dr. Minde so that he can never hurt you again._ I tried to process what she was saying, but my thoughts were scattered to the wind, it was as if she were speaking gibberish.

_She needs to regain some strength first._

_I dare not leave, she's too fragile. The quicker I can build the shield, the better off she'll be._

Carefully, I push myself up to sitting, my hair plastered to my face and neck and back with sweat. The headache is gone, though. And the nausea. I assume that means some sort of victory.

The Professor is watching me, his breathing fast, his face full of something I cannot name. Pity and rage, I think, but I cannot understand it. My vision spins with vertigo, my entire body feels as weak as a kitten. I feel Dr. Grey, in my mind, strengthen me, steady me, her power a fountain of strength.

"Professor."

"Yes, my dear."

"What happened?"

"I'm afraid there were some very distressing things behind that barrier. I was hoping not to reveal them to you until you've had a chance to rest, to heal. Right now, you will be much more sensitive to the pain it will undoubtedly cause you." He was frowning deeply, and it took me a moment but I realized it was because he was in pain himself. "Yes, I am, perceptive as always. I have experienced within your mind the memories from the barrier and they are indeed painful."

"You can't... you have no right..." I grab my forehead, my head swimming. Again and again I feel them strengthen me, steady me inside my mind, like someone trying to rebuild a wall during an earthquake. Charles slammed his hand against the arm of his wheelchair, startling me. His teeth were clenched, his body rigid with pain.

"Calamity," he said through clenched teeth. Then, "No, no, no, it's all right, don't come." I was confused but just then the door opened and probably six teachers came bursting into the room, looking ready for a fight. I saw Mr. Logan, Wolverine the students sometimes called him, and I had never seen him with his metal claws out; I was startled. "Logan, I'm fine, I'm sorry to have disturbed you, it was not intentional." Storm, Karma, Hank McCoy, a few others I hadn't met. Hank stepped forward and knelt beside Charles' wheelchair, grabbing his shoulder, looking him over as a doctor and friend.

"What the hell is going on?" Mr. Logan growled and Professor Frost stepped past him, taking in the scene and apparently trying to read the Professor's mind, casting a glance at Dr. Grey and Sage, who had not moved since they came in, focused on their task.

"No!" Charles slammed his hand down again. "Don't do that, Emma!" His voice was tense with the effort to control it. "I would ask you all to please leave here immediately, I can't be concerned with you. I will have Jean call for you if it is needed but there is no immediate threat or danger. Leave I say!" Reluctantly, even a bit angrily, they left, and I felt horrible. It was clear that his pain and distress had caused him to inadvertently call for help or support from his team. 

"I'm staying," Hank said, and no one argued with him. Dr. Grey dropped a blanket around my shoulders, making eye contact with Hank. I saw him take a deep breath, so I supposed she was telepathically letting him in on what had happened. He looked quickly from me to the Professor.

"Professor?" My voice was a small whisper, but he heard it, and he forced his attention on me. "Professor... please. I can much more easily bear the memories than I can bear seeing you like this... I want you to give them back to me." I mumbled the words, terrified, but firm. Dr. Grey put her hand on my shoulder.

Professor X rallied his strength. _Don't worry, child, he said. I have born far worse than this. I can hold them a bit longer. I ask that you trust me on this matter._

_I do trust you, Professor,_ I started crying, silent, large tears I could not stop. _I do. I do. But it is terrible to see you suffer like this._

_I promise you I am quite all right and quite up to the challenge. I admit the burden was more than I anticipated, nevertheless, my strength is more than equal. I only--_

He didn't say anything and suddenly, I suppose because of the close telepathic bond we were sharing, I knew what he didn't want to articulate. He was mostly hurting because he knew the memories would hurt me, and he cared about me very much and did not want me to suffer from them. It sent a horrible, searing pain through my chest, my heart was breaking, I could not believe that anyone cared about me that much, me, I'm nothing, I'm no one--

_Yes, of course I do. Care about you deeply, my dear. I would suggest that anyone who met you and got to know you in the slightest would care for you. You are a bright, kind, caring girl who does not deserve any of the things you've been through. Any who have not cared for you are simply blinded by their own self-interest, greed, and selfishness._

_Thank you, Professor._

I felt Jean and Sage in my mind, building, supporting. I looked over at the Professor. He was seemingly oblivious to everything around him, leaning heavily on his arm with his hand across his forehead as if he were near collapse. I reached out and took his other hand, surprising him and he opened his eyes, staring into mine.

"Professor? Is there anything I can do? Please, sir. They are my memories. I just want to get this over with." My voice trembled and he squeezed my hand in response. He looked over to Sage, who was standing motionless with her eyes closed at the foot of my bed. At his glance, she opened her eyes.

_I believe that the shield could withstand any possible attempt by Dr. Minde to infiltrate her mind. At this point, there is not much reason to keep the memories from her._

Dr. Grey, who had stood at the head of the bed, also with her eyes closed and her fingertips pressed gently to her temple, opened her eyes and looked down at me, her eyes searching. _Calamity. I have given you as much healing as possible. However, it may take years for you to fully heal from the wounds that were inflicted on you. The only thing I believe will avail you at this point, is time. Time we don't have much of, I'm afraid. Though everyone in this room would spare you if we could, you are as capable as you will ever be to learn the information that was behind the barrier._

Two strong women, on either side of me. Jean Grey, cool and calm on the outside, but inside she is endless fire, she is burning; always burning but never consuming, a brightness that drives out darkness and fear. With her cool hand on my shoulder. Sage. Never have I seen perfection or precision so personified; yet every movement, every breath, every thought was perfectly controlled and directed, a model of efficiency and order. Her brilliant mind knew no equal, no boundaries; yet her lovely face bore scars, tattoos that were not there by her choosing and in her mind I felt the presence of regret like smoke on the wind from a wildfire. What could she ever regret? What fear had she ever had? Yet she had. She had and she still was here, using her strength and gifts for me, a nobody, her perfectly manicured fingernails and her glossy hair beside me when she had anything else to do in the world.

I tried to focus, to process all that I was feeling. I was strangely empty, sapped of emotion. I didn't even feel physical pain when my brain kept telling me I must, I should. I had nearly died? I should feel pain. I should feel not numb.

_That's partially my fault, my dear. Allow me._ I felt then what I could only describe as a shift in my perception. Like when you catch a strain of music and it takes a moment to realize you're hearing it, I felt the numbness start to melt away but I still could not identify what I felt. I felt... everything, and could not feel all that at once, so it seemed to me as if I were merely jittery, anxious.

Close your eyes, Calamity.

The garden again, but strange and wild, untamed. It was like an ancient garden gone to seed, no caretaker. I couldn't think what it might mean...everything from my subconscious, all the memories, unbound. It filled me with fear. The garden was suddenly a dark place where sunlight did not breach. Charles picked his way toward me, there was no path and in the dim light. I saw his face was grim and haggard. I turned from him and toward a large wooden door, ornately decorated with weathered iron. I felt his warm presence standing behind me. _In there?_

_I have returned your memories, Calamity. I am shielding you from them for the moment, but I will open it for you. When you are ready._

My heart beat wildly; I knew I had good reason to be afraid. But what had Jean Grey said? Sometimes the only way to stop being afraid of a thing is to face it. I stepped to the door and it swung open.

The memories swung at me, hitting me like a blast from a furnace, leaving me with snatches of images, of things I'd heard, of what it smelled like and even tasted. It was too much, maybe, to make sense of, being assaulted by memories like that, but what took shape was a vague and growing shape of what had happened to me, of what Dr. Minde and Mannik had done. I had seen it all, I had known it without knowing.

Oh. Oh no. I remember it. I remember it all, now. They didn't respond, verbally, but I felt them-- Jean, Sage, Charles. The garden vanished; I let the memories flow through my mind in darkness, but I felt them there, in the darkness, not saying, not doing, just present-- the only thing they could do.

The memories themselves... they were familiar. I hadn't expected that. But it made everything I was feeling finally make sense-- I'd been reacting to them and trying to deal with them all this time without knowing it. They were there even without remembering them. Like a flower opening it's petals and revealing itself slowly, my memories unfolded and expanded in my mind.

Dr. Minde had lied.

He lied about me.

I remember.

In his clinic, during one of the sessions, after what felt like torture, it was torture, I was sweaty, throat raw from screaming, in physical pain from his mental assault, he was in my mind, messing with my thoughts, making me angry, making me sad, making me afraid, all in attempts to trigger a manifestation of my mutation. It hadn't. I thought it hadn't. He told me, told my parents it hadn't worked, that I was only a carrier for the gene, I possessed the gene but it did not express itself, he was sure of it, there was nothing he could do. But it wasn't true.

I remember.

Dr. Minde was not a telepath, not like Charles or Jean. He could manipulate memories, he could influence the subconscious. That was his specialty, the subconscious. He channeled his own mutation through hypnotism. He'd placed the barrier to make me forget that. He made me forget that that day in the clinic when I was in the most pain, I was most distraught, a spot on my chest began to glow. Above my heart; right below the hollow of my throat. I caught a glimmer of it when I glanced down but it was soon too blinding to look at, and it got bigger-- from the size of a peanut to a golf ball to a baseball, growing in intensity as well as size, then it ruptured, bursting out all at once like a blast. It threw him back. When he stood up, he was changed; so much stronger. Incredibly strong. His body and his own mutation. He didn't understand my gift, didn't know what it meant, but he was desperate to keep it a secret. He was going to use me for himself. Before he even knew what it meant, he knew that. His power was already beginning to fade back to normal, so using the last of his strength, his locked down my memories of what he'd learned and he lied to my parents. Said I was nothing. Told them I would never be anything but ordinary. He set his plans in motion.  
I remember.

He would overthrow Mannik. He would separate me from my parents so that he could use my gift to fuel his own. He would take over Community, and one day, spread his influence beyond. His ambition grew with each passing moment. I remember now the look in his eye. "Star," he said. "You won't remember this, but I will tell you. You will save us all, by strengthening me." I remember being so afraid. Not knowing what he meant, not knowing what I was, what he saw and felt. I wanted my mom and dad, but more than anything I wished I didn't have a gift that made Dr. Minde look at me like that-- hungry, triumphant. He once was kind, I thought. When I was little and he gave me a pink band-aid. I couldn't understand. I was weak and overwhelmed, I could hardly stand or speak and then he took my memories. He didn't know how-- he couldn't erase them, so he hid them with the barrier. He convinced my parents to send me away, and when he'd come check on me, he would practice triggering my mutation, tormenting me.

He apologized the entire time, trying to soothe me by saying I wouldn't remember, he would soon take away my pain. It was a surprise every time he hurt me, I never knew to expect it, to run away, to hide. He was so sorry, it was for the greater good, could I see that? He did not want to do it, but Mannik would hurt people to gain power and this way, no one need be harmed.  
Well. Almost no one.

I remember.

He fed off my gift like a vampire. Learned what best triggered it was my grief, my empathy for others, so he made me see and feel terrible things, over and over again, figuring out how to make me make him stronger longer. He learned what hatred did, what anger; he twisted my emotions around his fingers like I was a puppet and they were the strings. Then he'd shut everything behind the barrier, and I would wake up shaken and my body knew what my mind forgot; I was physically depleted, weak, stressed. But I wouldn't have any idea why.

Eventually, my parents started asking questions. I remembered his end of telephone conversations, telling them I didn't want to come home yet but he knew we'd have to go back soon because they wanted to see me, talk to me.  
He sent me home. He manipulated my parents subconsciously; he was stronger now, thanks to me. They felt something was wrong, off. They wanted to leave. At the same time, he started manipulating Mannik, nudging him toward violence, towards attack. He gave them all terrible nightmares. As he got stronger, he got meaner. He wanted Mannik dead and my parents arrested.

He called the Mutant Response Task Force, convinced them, all the while convincing Mannik to act, he pitted them against each other.

..  
..  
..

My parents are dead.

 

For a moment all I can hear is my breathing. I feel very disconnected, a weird buzzing in my mind. I can't understand it. I can't feel it; I can't even think it. But I can finally remember it. They are dead. 

I wasn't at home the day of the fight. My parents were trying to leave Community, worried about it escalating, angry at its rejection of me. They were going to leave in the confusion, take me with them. Mannik saw them leaving with me, and he thought they were the ones that betrayed him, why else would they be leaving, he was angry, he was terribly angry...

I remember the rage in his eyes, fanned by weeks of Dr. Minde's subconscious manipulation. His anger and his people running toward us and then the Task Force caught up in it, everything happened fast. I remember Dr. Minde leaning over my body, his face hard but he was panicked. He hadn't meant to get my parents killed. It only took him moments to hypnotize me, I couldn't resist it, he touched my neck and I was under his control. He took my memories. He told the Task Force I was innocent and had been helping him and he would care for me now.

But they made me leave. The Task Force. They didn't let Dr. Minde keep me like he tried to convince them. They insisted.

My parents. They were both dead. I saw it. The garden, full of dead and dying flowers, all sad, all tokens of sorrow and regret and death. It all made sense now. _Mom. Dad._ I felt hysteria rising within me.


	10. Chapter 10

"Calm your mind, Calamity." It was said so softly, so gently, I barely could hear the words uttered near my ear. But even though it was a whisper, it cut through, somehow, all the despair and flailing thoughts, my mind failing to grasp anything but those gentle words. Or rather, the kindness and care behind them; my mind grasped that like a lifeline. I opened my eyes.

My whole body was shaking, I felt weak and drained. Gray tinged my sight, everything dim and blurry.

"She's in shock."

"What else did you expect?"

"Charles!" I hear worry, fear.

"He's all right."

I forced myself to focus, literally making my brain place its attention on Charles though it was like trying to breathe through a wet blanket. I saw him, slumped over in his wheelchair, being attended by Hank and Sage.

"Charles," I mumbled, trying to stand. "Professor!" Something in what we'd done had harmed him, I felt a stab of fear like lightning in a storm. Jean put her hand on my shoulder, and the barest pressure was enough to push me back down in my fragile state.

"He's all right, Calamity."

"He's hurt. My memories, I... I hurt him."

"No," her face tightened in anger. "You did not." She breathed out sharply. "Nothing that has happened is your fault, surely you realize that."

"But he's supposed to be so powerful, I thought he was strong, what's wrong with him--?"

"He's very strong. Stronger than you can ever fathom. His gift, his whole life, has been about bearing the unbearable. However, he is tired. He bore a lot today."

I squirmed, regret and guilt snaking through my chest. I hadn't asked him to, but it didn't matter. _This is what happens when you care about people and let them care about you._ A choked sound from my chest as I tried and failed to speak, then, "Please, tell me honestly, is he okay?"

"I'm fine, my dear." Charles was sitting up, his blue eyes on mine. He looked grim, pale and ashen. "I am perfectly all right." Hank stepped back reluctantly and Charles wheeled his chair over to me. "My dear girl." He reached out and took my hand, but I want badly to shake it off, jerk my hand away. His face was pale and sweaty, as mine was. We must have made quite a pair.

"Professor--" the word came out full of pain and anguish and I looked up at him, my heart full of hurt. "What do I do now? My mom-" I choked, "my dad. They didn't reject me. Did they?" Dark and unpleasant, I still questioned for a moment what was real. The memories seemed real but so had they before. I couldn't untangle it for a moment, the real and the false, finally remembering my mom's kind face and she put a flower behind my ear a few days before she died.

"Why did he make me think that?" I couldn't help but moan against the pain of it as I remembered the ungracious thought I had about my mom, wondering if she would be happy or disappointed that I survived. Like a suffocating smoke, my regret and shame, hot in my throat, made it difficult to breathe.

"I can only assume he was preparing your mind to think of him as some sort of father figure. If your parents rejected you and he didn't, then you might be more willing to assist him in his endeavors. I do not think he meant to continue to enslave your mind that way; eventually, he would need your cooperation."

I doubled over, my fist clenched against my aching heart as if it could help it; it hurt so much, it was breaking. Then I felt it in my chest like a fire, like the last burst of light from a dying sunset, brighter for its death; hot, consuming; it grew then burst then died in a flicker and I didn't even know what happened I looked around--

They were all watching me, shock in their eyes and holding very still.

"That was... interesting," Sage spoke first, holding up her hand, examining it as lines of fading light flickered out.

"I assume you can shed light on what just happened," Xavier said through gritted teeth, holding his forehead. When he lifted his face to her, he looked different-- he was stronger, his eyes had cleared.

"Certainly." She glanced over at me. "As I told you when we first met, Calamity, I have genetic sight-- I can see if a person near me has the x-gene and also read what their mutation is."

"You didn't tell me--" I could barely breathe out the words. I felt so strange and disconnected, too overwhelmed with everything to process it all. "You knew."

"Yes I knew that Dr. Minde had lied to you, that you did carry the x-gene and you would have some form of mutation from it. However, the psychic barriers he placed made it difficult for me to know precisely how your mutation would manifest until I was able to connect with you psychically and destroy the barrier."

"What? What am I?" I felt so angry suddenly, I was not prepared for it, hot and thick in me like tar. Yet another lie, yet another misunderstanding, I no longer felt I knew anything about myself. A terrible feeling, to think yourself a stranger, unpleasant in the extreme.

"You can manipulate life force," she said matter-of-factly. "It's very interesting. A bit of your father's strength. A bit of your mother, adept and nurturing life, and... you. You can boost another mutants power, but unlike me, it is not by forcing that mutation to the next level. You can increase life, healing, the mutation. I've not seen it before."

"What more?" Charles asked sharply. He was watching her intensely, I don't know what he sensed that he did not like but he was anxious or angry.

Sage didn't look at me, she looked at Charles. "When I say she can manipulate life, it goes both ways. Her instinct is to preserve, to heal, to help; yet when she has full control, she will have the capability for the opposite." Destroy. Injure. Harm. Those were the opposites she was talking about.

"I can't--" I grabbed my forehead, shaking my head.

"Indeed you are lucky that you didn't kill Dr. Minde by accident."

"Lucky?" I gasped, staring up at Sage in outrage. "Lucky? I wish he were dead! I wish he had died!"

"I'm sure you do," she answered blandly. "Yet it would have been at a great cost to your soul had you done it. Even unintentionally."

I felt so hurt, so angry, but I knew it was true. That stupid pink band-aid.

I laid back in the bed, putting my arm over my eyes, still shaking, too hurt and confused to even understand how hurt and confused I was. How long could it go on? The hurt of it all, how about that? Could it be measured in minutes or hours? Or days or months or years? I couldn't face it. I... I couldn't. Face it. I'm not a courageous person. I'm no one, I'm nothing, for different reasons than just not being a mutant, turns out that didn't matter much. I didn't even want it, it was what got my parents killed, this whole time I thought my mom and dad might be out there, thinking about me, wanting to reach me, and he made me believe--

"But my parents--"

I hurt so much, I wanted to die, but I was sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. My abs started to hurt from clenching with the sobs, my face was a wet mess, tears and snot and sweat. I felt hate. It smothered everything else. I hated life... I hated Dr. Minde. I hated how horrible I felt, I hated everyone in the room for knowing about what had happened. I hated them for destroying the barrier, for not destroying it sooner. I hated Hank for opening the door all those months ago, Charles for getting me to stay. I hated Jean Grey, I hated Sage, but most of all I hated myself for experiencing all of that. I can't explain it. I hated everything. Everything my mind touched on, it burned it with hatred. The garden burned, the mansion, Dr. Minde burned, everything, everything. I felt the burning in my chest, but not light, darkness, building, growing--

"Calamity!" Charles was holding his head again, wincing. Even this didn't reach me. Sage took my shoulder and shook me slightly.

"Get a hold of yourself child." Her voice was like steel, but I could still hear the compassion in it like a crack in granite. "I know how you feel. Yet you are stronger than what has happened to you." I knew she was trying to help me, but I wanted to scream and I wanted to push her hand away. She might know how I feel and I might be strong, but that's not how it felt. It felt like... it felt like he'd won after all. That Dr. Minde had defeated me. I didn't see a way to get past this, to move on and ever be whole and healthy again. Sage knelt down and looked into my eyes.

"I've been where you are." She looked away a moment, and I saw pain come over her face. Then she looked me in the eye. "I gave you a gift, Calamity. No one will ever enter your mind again, without your permission. Not Jean, not Charles, not even myself, and certainly not Dr. Minde. He's been attacking your subconscious for months, trying to frighten you into leaving the sanctuary of this school. It explains the nightmares." I wiped my eyes, trying to grasp everything she was telling me, through a fog of grief and regret and hot shame. Dr. Minde had done it, but I was the one who was ashamed. "He'll never touch your mind again, I promise. I am much more clever, and more powerful than he is. He can't reach you. You are safe. They are memories, terrible, yes, but only memories, Calamity. In the past. They are fresh to you now, and painful, but it's done and over with. He tormented you for six months. Don't give him any more of your time, child."

Her words would help me in days to come, but at that moment, they felt hollow. I nodded, though. "Thank you, Sage. For the shield. For destroying the barrier."

Her voice was grim. "Calamity, it was my pleasure." She turned to Charles. "I assume you will have more to say about this."

"I will hold him answerable," Charles responded, his voice tight. "But you should have talked to me before you shielded her mind so completely. She may need my help--"

"If she wants any help, she will get it," Sage interrupted, her voice warning. Charles took a deep breath, angry with her. I could not even care about their argument. Sage leaned down. "If ever you want to extend permission for someone to psychically connect with your mind, say the phrase 'honey from a thorn.'"

"What's that?"

She was quiet. "It's part of a poem by Louis Ginsberg. _'Life is ever, since man was born, licking honey from a thorn."_ I had no response but a nod.

Hank's movement caught my attention and I glanced up at him. He handed me a glass of water.

I want to thank him, but I can't. I just look at him, and he pats my shoulder.

"It will be alright, Calamity."

My throat is raw. I open my mouth to thank them, to say something so they will all stop staring at me. "Please, I want... I need..." but I didn't know. What I wanted or needed. Actually, I did. I wanted my parents. I needed them. Terribly. But they were beyond my reach forever. The want just hung there, having nowhere to land, nowhere to go, and they were all standing around my bed looking at me and I don't think I've felt more lost than that moment.

Jean Grey, her red hair a burst of color in my gray world, gestured to Hank and Sage to leave. They did, leaning their heads together to talk as they left. Professor Xavier wheeled closer.

"If you permit me, I will simply stay with you a while."

Painfully, I nod, trying not to cry too hard. The truth is I'm overwhelmed by everything I feel, and despite the relief of finally knowing, now there are some very unpleasant realities to face.

Jean leaves after a while to check on her other patients. I could see that Charles was tired and emotionally eviscerated. Physically, he looked like he needed rest. I laid my head on my pillow and he positioned his wheelchair so it was parallel with the head of my bed. I tried to rest but was in too much turmoil. He put his hand on my head. He didn't try to connect with me telepathically, just the warmth of his hand on my head like a blessing, his presence, keeping the darkness at bay.

I felt it, though. As much as I was grateful for his presence, I needed some time. The grief. To cry and weep and not hold myself together. I didn't want to hurt him with my pain any more than I already had. Moreover, it was mine. I just needed to work through it a bit. I asked to be alone for a while. He nodded, without saying anything, and squeezed my hand as he left.

Alone. I sat up, breathing hard. I sought out the corners of my own dark and tumultuous mind, searching for any telepathic presence. I felt no one, nothing, but Dr. Minde had been there before without my knowing. I could only trust Sage, what she had said, but I was disturbed, not trusting my own mind. I forced myself to stop thinking about it. Whether she lied to me or not, it was out of my control. _Don't trust anyone,_ my own voice hissed in my mind, and I brushed the intrusive thought aside.

I had once thought myself a human, wishing I were a mutant, feeling repugnance for humans. Now it was revealed to me I was a mutant, and I felt a growing fear and disgust of mutants. Was I destined to hate what I was, always? Rage and hatred, two emotions I was not overly familiar with, had never felt for a sustained amount of time, kept welling up in me. They didn't ease. For too long they had been festering like a wound behind the barrier and now there seemed no end to their torrent, like a broken dam.

I took a drink of the water Hank gave me. Carefully and deliberately I tore the monitors off my chest, my finger. I carefully peeled off the tape and pulled the IV out of my hand and watched blood well out of the little hole the catheter left. I was done with the invasive. I was done with people knowing things about me and me not knowing, I was done with submissive and vulnerable. I turned off the little monitor that was alarming now with flat lines on the screen. No one came in. _No one cares,_ my voice suggested and I felt a wave of self-disgust.

The movement made me shaky and lightheaded again, so I sat down on the bed and drew my knees up, covering myself with the thin blanket. It was stiff and scratchy, it didn't hold enough weight to comfort me. With all my might I pushed past the physical weakness. For I don't know how long, I had been under siege physically and mentally. I was done now being at someone else's mercy or even my own.

I would face this.

I closed my eyes. I recalled the memories that had flashed through my brain like a seizure after Sage destroyed the barrier and Jean Grey staved off insanity and mental collapse from the strain. It had been too much to process. I examined them now, more closely and with purpose. I knew it would hurt, but trying to avoid that pain seemed like a betrayal, a second kind of killing my parents. I was the only one, now, to remember them. When I forget, they will be truly gone. Their mutations, their gifts, had not availed them; in the end, they died as easily as the humans they despised, betrayed by none other than one of their own.

My dad had tried to save us. He picked me up under one arm and my mom under the other. He was strong and fast, but it wasn't enough. Mannik, a man of phrenetic energy, of boundless, inexhaustible life. His mutation-- energy. He never lacked it. Never slept. Never needed coffee or anything like that. And he was strong, charismatic, people loved him. I loved him. My mom and dad thought he hung the sun and stars, they followed him deeper into his mad plan than they would have followed anyone else. With all that energy he wanted power, and collected mutants like ceramic cats. But he was jealous as a god, and when he saw my dad fleeing, deserting him, he was so angry. He and Cyprus and some of the others, they turned toward us, and Mannik told them to stop us. I guess it spooked the task force, who only ever know dangerous and threatening mutants, and when they saw Mannik's rage and my father running toward them, they fired their guns at all of us.

Startled at the memory, I pulled up my sleeve. A thin line of a scar where a bullet had grazed me, I had forgotten about it. The bullet grazed me, but others found their mark more accurately and my dad went down with a bullet to the leg and one center mass-- he bled out in seconds, he didn't even say goodbye, he just fell. I sat up and watched him take five breaths and then no more and his eyes dimmed and that thing that made dad _dad_ was gone. My mom was moving still, but there was the red of blood in her hair. She moved then slumped down and stopped moving and by then they had gotten to us and were moving her, they were trying to help I think, but too late, far too late they rolled her over.

She was dead. Her mouth was open, blood on her face, her eyes--

I started crying again, this time with no one there to stop me. All the time, I had the power to help them but I didn't know it. I didn't remember. I couldn't access it, because of what he'd done to me. He'd taken my power away when I needed it most.

I remembered telling the Professor, when I lied, that I had the ability to kill people by looking at them. I thought I'd pulled that out of nowhere, but there was a part of me the whole time that knew.

Dr. Minde had come over, in horror, the fight still happening around us. The task force officers ordered him back, but he ignored them, and he was over me. I was laying back, staring at the blue sky, too dazed to do anything. He had hypnotized me so many times, it only took him a bare moment to access my mind and place a barrier around the events of the day.

"I never meant for any of this to happen. Don't worry, I'll come for you, I'll take care of you. Star, you were at home when your... your parents were taken away. Mannik made them fight. You won't be too sad, all right? They didn't want you anyway since you don't have any mutant abilities. You don't have any, Star, and no matter how upset or angry you are, you won't be able to use your abilities. You have none. You're a human girl. I'll find you."

There was more. So much more, all these memories, weeks of Dr. Minde trying to trigger my abilities. I remembered them all in a giant clump, like a rat king-- when a bunch of rats gets their tails tangled and it's a mass of clawing, biting, dying horror. I bend over the side of the bed and throw up in the garbage can, but it's just bile. Bitter. Bitter. Bitter. It burns.

I can't think how I'll live with all this. All these memories all at once, burning a hole in my brain, my heart, like lava destroying everything. But, by heaven, I will survive this. I will. Just to remember what was done-- if I die, he gets away with it all. I won't die and I'll never, ever forget again.

...

I don't see any reason to stay in the hospital. I know that things are still messed up for me physically, but it doesn't concern me very much. I don't want any drugs, and I know that really what I am in need of Jean Grey and Hank and Charles and Sage in all their wisdom can't provide--- I need time, to heal.

I also know I'm just one of any number of broken and broken-hearted mutants that Professor Xavier took in and now has to deal with. Yeah, I went through messed up stuff, I'm not denying that, but so does everyone. So have they.

I stand up and wait a minute for a wave of light-headedness to pass. I'm hungry. I find it a horrifying thing, about myself, that I can remember all that and still; I'm hungry.

I put on my new shoes that Louise and Elixer had helped me pick out and I realize I miss them, a lot; they're in class, I'm sure I'll see them later. I love them but the thought of facing them or anyone is too much to bear-- it's like they'll see a gaping wound, they'll see me bleeding, and it's embarrassing. I can't stand to think of the looks of pity. What the hell am I even supposed to tell them anyway? If I tell them anything, it will be the damn truth for once, that's for sure.

I pause at the angry thoughts. It's not like me. Is it? Or Is this really what I'm like? What I was before, who was that supposed to be, then? The idea makes me even angrier, it's the only emotion I'm willing to bear at all. It's not pleasant but it's not as painful as everything else. It, however briefly, burns away the pain of grief and sorrow. But I don't know how to hang on to it. I'm too tired.

I got dressed. I left. No one stopped me.

The darkness that was gathering gave me pause. I had thought in the windowless hospital that it was mid-afternoon. I looked around for clock-- it was seven-thirty. No wonder I was hungry. I walked slowly to the kitchen, putting the hood from my hoodie up. Just like the old days-- I didn't want anyone to see me or talk to me at all. I wonder briefly where Bent and Christopher are-- not in class anymore like I'd thought.

Bet looked up when I came in. She went very still and didn't greet me at all as I went to the table and sat down. She came over and leaned down, looking in my face. "What's wrong? What's happened?" The concern in her voice puts a huge lump in my throat and I go to the fridge and get a water bottle. I take long swallows of it until the lump subsides.

"I can't even begin to explain it all," I tell her, looking up at her as I turn around. "Bet... everything is so wrong right now, I don't know how it will ever be right again."

"There's one thing I've learned watching the probabilities, my girl," she replies. "That is that whether it's a good or bad streak, it's bound to end sometime."

"I don't think so this time, Bet," I mumble. "Do you have anything I can eat?" I haven't felt this hungry in a really long time.

"Of course, yes. Let's get something warm in your belly. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." I don't mean to sound short but it comes out abrupt. I take another drink of water, swallowing hard. "I'm still trying to wrap my head around it."

"I don't mean to pry, Calamity, but if you're in trouble I'd like to help you."

"I know. I really do. Thanks. It's just... I don't even know what help would look like right now. Except for food, I guess." She smiles a little and walks back to the stove where she's grilling me a cheese sandwich. She doesn't say anything and I don't either, and she sits across from me while I start to eat.

"There you are!" My teal-haired friend startles me when she comes up behind me.

"Louise!" I say, and I'm so glad to see her it puts tears in my eyes again but I blink them back and give her a hug.

"I went to the medical wing and they said you just left. No one told me anything all day. Are you feeling better, then?" She looked at me closely, and I can see it, the beginning of understanding that something was amiss, the concern that will turn into pity.

"Yeah, I'm fine now. Just a nasty bug. Dr. Grey got me an IV and everything, now I'm pretty much better. But anyway, what did I miss in class?"

She stares at me a few seconds like she's not really believing me but she doesn't want to push it. She shrugs slightly. "Not much. We just went over those chapters we had last week again to review for the test."

"Okay, good," I respond, but trying to focus on school work is weird. It's like trying to play a game you used to play as a kid, but it's different, you're different.

I remembered clearly that school was important to me, that I sacrificed and risked a lot to come here and get an education. It should mean even more to me now that I knew I'd need help with my mutation, but school, education, everything seemed like a colossal waste of time. "Right," I said distractedly. I looked up and Bet and Louise were both staring at me.

"What's wrong?" Louise asks slowly.

"Nothing." I don't have any possible answer to that question.

"You look strange." I felt strange. I felt disconnected, lightheaded. "Are you sure you're all right?"

"Yes."

Bet stood up, towering over me, concerned. "Maybe we should take you back to the clinic," she said, reaching for my arm.

"No!" My sudden movement away from her knocked a cup the ground, shattering it. I was standing there staring at it, and my brain could not figure out how it happened. I couldn't connect it to the universe where my parents were dead and I was actually a mutant. Bet and Louise were still just staring at me. "No. I don't need the clinic. I'm..." but I had no clue what I was. "I'm tired." At least that much was true. I backed away from them slowly, then turned and walked away, heading for the dorm room.

I hadn't gone far when Louise caught up with me. She didn't say anything, though. She just walked beside me, I could see her colorful hair out of the corner of my eye.

We got back to our room and I went to the closet and pulled out my smelly backpack from the corner of the closet and sat on the bed. How had I gotten it? It wasn't the way I had thought. All that had been made up. I searched for the memory. Agent Diana... no, it was Dana. She had brought it to me when I was sitting in the ambulance, an EMT putting a bandage on my arm. She'd gone into the apartment and grabbed a few things at random, my mom's shoes... not mine. For a moment the memory and the false memory meshed strangely in my mind, like deja vu, knowing something wasn't real, wasn't right, but you could swear it was. That's how it would be, I discovered, with the false memories.

I felt Louise sit beside me on the bed, still silent. I took out the items from my backpack. My mom's ring. I put it on. I touched my dad's watch. Shook out an old t-shirt that I didn't even wear as pajamas anymore, wrinkly and stained from a spaghetti dinner I had eaten in bed a few years ago and it had gotten splattered marinara on it when I slurped the noodles. A handkerchief, I couldn't remember where it came from. I stared at it a minute... Charles had given it to me. That night when I was crying and confessed I wasn't a mutant. It was when I told him I always end up alone and he said he would challenge that.

I looked up at Louise, so sad I didn't know what to say. I held up the chocolate bar. It wasn't something Dana had grabbed, it just happened to be in the backpack. My mom had given it to me a few days before they sent me away and Dr. Minde started his torture routine. I didn't take the bag with me when I left, but it was by my closet that's probably why she'd grabbed it. Louise hesitantly, gently put her arm around me.

"Tell me all about it, Calamity."

My throat is so constricted, my first two attempts at speech fail. I grab a tissue and blow my nose and lean into her warmth and strength. I'm afraid she won't be very happy with me for lying to her... or at least, I thought I was.

"Remember when Dr. Grey read my mind? When I first got here."

"Yeah, I remember. You got sick."

I nodded. "Yeah. Well. I guess this doctor I knew before, he kind of messed with my brain, my memories. He made it so I didn't remember some things, and some stuff I thought I knew... I guess I didn't know anything."

"That's so crazy!" She looked at me in astonishment. "Why would anyone do that?"

"It's because of my mutation."

"What, you cause emotional pain?" She looked confused.

"That's not my mutation. I'm not really sure about it, but it can make other mutants stronger. It can heal them, maybe, I don't know." I shook my head. "Dr. Minde would trigger it and it made him really strong, healthy. And he was trying to take over Community, but Mannik and my parents... Louise, my parents are dead." It was the first time I acknowledged it out loud.

"Wait," she looked at me, concerned, surprised, confused. "What? I thought your parents kicked you out! How did they die?" I see her literally bite her tongue to keep from asking questions.

"Yeah. It's complicated. And they didn't reject me. I mean... they kind of did, at first, but it was all a lie about me not having a mutation. And then when I came back from the cat lady, I think we would have worked things out."

"Calamity, you're not making any sense."

"I know. It's because of all the lies, and false memories, and now it's horribly mixed up with the truth."

"What's the truth?"

Tears of rage and pain filled my eyes and through clenched teeth, I told her. "He hurt me. He tormented me, tortured me. Then he took away the memory of it and I never knew... so he did it again and again."

"Who did?" Her question was soft and slow.

"Dr. Minde. It's because of him that my parents are dead." I buried my face in the yellow pillow Elixer had picked out and let myself have a good cry. I felt Louise stroking my head, pulling the hair away from my face, handing me tissues. After a few minutes, I pulled myself together again. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror; I looked terrible. A mess.

"I don't understand everything."

I punched the pillow, soggy with tears, violently. "Maybe you should ask the Professor. He made me lie." I was angry again, or maybe it was all anger, all of it.

"I don't want to give you the third degree when you're having a hard time, Cal. But I just don't understand any of this."

"I came here, I thought I had no mutation. I thought I was a normal human. Professor Xavier knew that mutants connected to my parents, to Community where I lived, were looking for me, though he didn't know why."

"Community, I heard about them."

"Yeah. Well. Cyprus, that guy at the mall, he was with Mannik and Dr. Minde from there. So Professor X wanted me to stay here, pretend to be a mutant until they thought it was safe. Then they started messing the psychic barrier Dr. Minde put in my head to hide what he did. And it's like all hell's broke loose in my brain. I remembered all the things he did to me, and that my parents are dead. It's kind of on me. Not really, but you can see it. I could have saved them, but I didn't know, and they ran because of me."

"Geeze, Calamity, that's not on you. You had nothing to do with that."

"I know."

"Holy cow."

"I know."

A long moment of silence stretched out between us, and I felt oddly better; I've wanted to tell her the truth for so long now, and it turns out I didn't even know what that was, but it was over now anyway. All my cards were on the table.

I looked up at her, my eyes heavy and burning from being tired and crying so much. "Louise... I wanted to tell you. A lot of times. Professor Xavier was worried, with Dr. Minde being telepathic that if anyone knew about me not being a mutant, it would endanger them and me. But... I'm sorry."

"I get it. I guess you would have lied if you told me the truth, anyway. You were honest all along."

"I guess that's one way of looking at it." I pulled the backpack toward me and started pulling things out again. The little teddy bear I kept on my bed... when I thought I had grabbed it, it made sense, but I wondered what made Agent Dana grab it. It was just a kindness.

The notebook. I had been adding to it all year, writing about the students and the teachers when I learned things until it was full; I hadn't done anything with it in weeks. Louise pulled it toward her and started flipping through it.

"I didn't know you could draw."

"A little."

"These are really good." She paused on a picture of her and Elixer, with little notes on each of them. I kind of regretted letting her see it, it was so personal, but I wasn't about to hold things back at this point. I loved Louise. She was probably my first true friend. I hadn't written anything bad about her, but it was a little like letting someone read my diary. "You really like flowers."

She was looking at the doodled flowers on the pages of the notebook. "I kind of do like flowers. Those are irises and ivy." Friendship, fidelity, affection. Remembering the flowers brought pain and comfort. It made me think of the times when I was in a garden in my mind. All sorrow and grief and mourning flowers; even when I couldn't remember, I guess a part of me knew. The subconscious, or whatever.

I felt cold and sad. I got under my covers and curled up. Louise slid off the bed and sat on the floor beside me, looking through the notebook. I closed my eyes, resting them.

"What's Caretakers?" She was looking at the page I had written after Professor Xavier told me about them, with the big question mark after it.

"I don't know. The Professor said they were a group that was looking for me too. But I don't know why. Dr. Minde was the only one that knew about my mutation; everyone else thought I was just a regular human."

She tilted her head up to look at me. "You're leading an epic life, Calamity. I guess you chose the right name after all. All this time I thought you should have chosen Wallflower; but look at you. You attract a lot of trouble."

"Not by my own choice."

I was tired now but scared to fall asleep. What would my dreams be? Maybe I shouldn't be too proud to ask for help. I could have stayed in the hospital wing and let them take care of me. But I didn't. I couldn't.

"Louise?"

"Hmm?"

"Don't leave... please, stay here and wake me up if I have a nightmare."

There was a brief pause. "I won't leave you, Calamity."

I dozed off even though it was early, but my sleep was restless. Whenever I would wake up, Louise was there, doing homework or reading or listening to music but the instant I would stir she was there, watching me, reassuring me, asking me if I needed anything. At ten o'clock I was hungry again and we went to the dorm kitchen.

To our surprise Bet was there, stocking the pantry and fridge. "Bet! You're up late," Louise said, greeting her.

"I suppose I am running late tonight," she replied with a frown, looking at her watch. "But I'm glad I ran into you. I've been worried. I went to the Professor, Calamity, I hope you don't mind. He... he told me what happened." I could only look at her, my heart breaking all over again at the compassion and sorrow in her eyes. "Come here, child."

She wrapped me up safe in an embrace and I leaned into the hug. Just for a minute, I let myself feel comforted and cared for even though I knew now I was an orphan and there would be long days ahead, the rest of my life, where I didn't have a parent to turn to for help for advice.

I finally pulled away and Louise patted my shoulder as we sat down.

"Feeling a bit peckish, were you?" Bet asked.

"Just need a snack," I told her, wiping my eyes.

Bet made up popcorn and got some fruit out of the fridge while Louise braided my hair. Bet hesitantly at first, feeling me out, asked about my parents.

"What were they like?"

"They were good. You know. I didn't always get along... especially at the end when they thought I didn't have a mutation. I fought with them sometimes, but. Then I think things were getting better, would have gotten better, but they didn't get a chance." I thought hard a minute. "I remember my dad picking me up, and my mom, and running. It all happened fast after that, it's a blur, but he was holding me so tight, trying to save us, trying to protect me." I swallowed hard, tearing up for the hundredth time. "My mom, she was quiet. Like me, kind of. Preferred flowers to people, she hated crowds. I think she would have been content to just grow flowers and trees all the day long, but she wanted a better world for mutants. For her child. You know. For me."

"They sound like good parents."

"They made mistakes, but yeah. They were good parents." I leaned my forehead against the countertop. I couldn't help but think of my life stretching out before me, many long years that they wouldn't share with me. Finishing school. Job. Marriage, grandkids. All that stolen away. It wrenched my heart like a twisted knife and the glowing started again, I could see it with my head leaned down. It was so weird-- it was a part of me, but it wasn't something I knew how to control or what to do. I sat up quickly, afraid, and it grew and burst like before.

"What the--?" Louise said, rubbing her forehead. "What was that?"

Bet was looking at me, her eyes round and startled. "Calamity, what did that do?"

"I don't know 100%." Louise looked concerned, so I quickly amended. "Sage said I make mutants stronger. Healing. Something like that, I'm fuzzy on the details."

"Holy hannah," Louise said, clenching her fist. "That's so cool and freaky. How long does it last?"

"I don't know. I don't know anything, really. I feel so stupid. But I don't know. This is only like the third time it's even happened and I don't even... it's weird." I pause a moment. "It actually scares me a little bit."

"Everyone is scared at first," Louise says. "That's normal. You just need someone to help teach you."

"Professor Xavier is the expert on that, Calamity. He will help you. I know he will. He's never failed a student," Bet said kindly.

"Thanks. You're right. I know he will." I get quiet and so Bet and Louise chat quietly about other things while we eat. I get tired again and when we get up to go back to our room, Bet gives me a hug again.

"You know..." she shrugs, helplessly. "Just... I'm right here if you need anything. I know you've lost a lot. But we're here. I'll be right here. I've gotten pretty fond of you." I can't say anything, I just hug her tighter for a minute.

It's getting late, and I know Bent Louise class the next day. I can't even think of going to class, but the idea of sitting around in the dorm room all day is not enticing either. I don't want to think about it. When we get back to the room, I take a shower and put on some comfy pajamas. Louise is reading when I crawl back into bed.

"How are you feeling?" she asks, glancing up.

"I don't know. Better, I think. You can go to sleep, I think I'll be fine."

"That zap you gave me was like drinking espresso, girl. I don't think I can sleep if I want to. I'll just read, okay? You should get some rest." Her always startling teal eyes were watching me carefully, watching me for signs of... I don't know, freaking out or passing out or crying or collapsing, all of which I felt like I could do at any moment but I also had that weird numb feeling from feeling too much so I just nodded and rolled up in my blankets.

I felt the pull of sleep immediately but my body and my mind wanted two different things. I was in desperate need of deep, restorative, healing sleep. My mind and brain and body cried out for rest. But the damage, the hurt, the aching of it all woke me again and again through the night. Though I was restless, I didn't dream that I could recall. Once I remember feeling afraid then I felt Louise shake my shoulder, gently, but I didn't wake enough to speak to her, she just spoke gently and I went back to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

I do get one of those weird moments, the next morning, where I recognize my grief before I remember the cause of it. I look over and see Louise asleep on the floor, her strong, slender arm over her head, a book beside her, her wild hair a cloud around her head. Something good and pure and untouched by everything I went through; my friend, still my friend. Oddly it made the ache in my chest hurt worse, like a lovely sunset when you're sad.

I go to our bathroom as silently as possible, trying desperately not to wake her. I know she got less sleep than me, and for my benefit. It was Saturday, in any case; she'd want to sleep in.

I can't help but stare hard at my face in the mirror, half expecting not to recognize myself-- it feels like I've changed that drastically. The girl who peered out at me yesterday had lost her parents, too, though she hadn't known it. She'd been abused and tortured. I feel memories like dirt in my mind, in the cracks and crevices of my thoughts, the smell of the streets, of the gunpowder, of Dr. Minde, the way my house smelled, the taste of grit in an abandoned sandwich I would eat without hesitation when I had gone days without eating, the way true fear felt, true pain. That pain wasn't just a sensation, it had a flavor. A movement to it, like a shadow. A shape.

I gagged, clamping a hand over my mouth, as if not only vomit or bile but all the darkness inside of me were trying to escape, as if I could do anything to prevent it if it did..

I needed help.

I got dressed as quietly as possible and wrote Louise a note: Going to visit the Professor.

Each step, my soul felt torn a little more, a little deeper, a straight line slowly pulling apart from the middle. I needed help but I never wanted anyone in my mind again. I trusted Professor Xavier, but after everything I remembered, I didn't feel trust for anyone. I thought that trust and kindness might be the thing most called for to combat this misuse and abuse and cruelty toward me. If I could do those things and allow others to show me those things, perhaps I could heal somehow. I just didn't know if I could.

I'll admit there was a part of me that was angry, too. I couldn't have defended myself against what happened to me, I was helpless. There were people who were not helpless, but they didn't help. They didn't know to. Shouldn't they have known to? I recognized, too, that that was unfair, but it did little to quiet the seething, sharp blame at the world in general. I couldn't well blame my parents, given the way that they'd died, but why did they allow anything to happen to me in the first place? How could they? How could _I?_ Remembering the plaything I was made to be, leave my room, seeking for solace I'm not sure I'll be able to find.

The mansion is silent; it's still early. The kitchen is dark and still, no Bet. No students. It's almost eerie, too quiet. I sit down in one of the chairs outside the Professor's office to wait, even though that seems lame, I should try to go back to bed. Maybe take a walk on the grounds. But I can't. I don't.

I hear a noise coming from his office, startling me a bit. I guess he's up early too. My heart is pounding nervously, and I wonder if he has other stuff he's busy with maybe I'm bugging him if he's up this early, but he can always tell me a good time to come back, so, I tap gently on the door.

"Come," he calls distractedly. I step in his office, and he glances up from a pile of papers on his desk. He looks distracted; rumpled. I have this feeling he didn't wake up early, that he's been up all night. His expression turns from distraction to attention, concern. "Calamity my dear. My dear girl, come in, please."

"I don't want to disturb you, Professor." I'm like 67% sure this man has something heavy on his mind. I recognize the distress in the lines of his face, the worry beneath his attentive gaze. I feel bad needing him, his help, when he so clearly has so much more than me to worry about.

"You're not..." he shakes his head, "not disturbing me, Calamity. Indeed, I've very much been hoping you would come to me. Dr. Grey told me you left the hospital wing sooner than she had hoped, but felt that you needed a bit of time to process... I've been worried."

"Sorry," I responded softly, the familiar stirring of my own negative thoughts beginning already, but I don't allow them a voice. He motioned for me to sit and I curled up in the comfy chair. He moved from behind his desk, closer to me, examining me.

"I don't suppose I need to ask how you are doing. But how are you doing?"

"Not... not great. I feel overwhelmed." This is an understatement. A dark thought clawed and scraped at the back of my mind that this was a bad idea, that I shouldn't trust him, that I shouldn't ask him to care about me. I was selfish, though. "Professor, I'm afraid. Everything I remembered... I'm afraid of it. I'm scared that Dr. Minde--" I can't articulate it.

"You're afraid he's still a threat to you."

"Yeah."

"I want you to know that the Task Force is now aware of his treachery and they are currently looking for him." He looks strained. "Some of the teachers here are assisting them today in locating him, and capture him."

"Professor," I whisper. "I think he's coming for me." He does not respond immediately, leaning his cheek on his hand, his brow furrowed.

"I won't let him harm you."

"You can't stop him. He knows I'm here. He's going to find a way to get to me." I gripped the edge of my chair, hard. I hadn't even known what I was going to say, but I felt the truth of my words as powerfully as I'd felt anything.

"He's known you're here a long time, Calamity. We are quite capable of keeping you safe," he said, calmly reassuring in the face of my certainty. I felt a flair of frustration, the embers of the anger I thought I had perhaps died out.

"He was biding his time. There was no reason for him to move quickly against you, not while the barrier was in place. But it's gone now. He has no choice but to act."

"Calamity, my dear, how do you know all this? Was there something you remembered?"

I'm silent. I don't know how I know. I just do. "I don't remember anything specific, professor. But the man spent a lot of time screwing around with my brain, my memories. He didn't know it, but he left himself vulnerable to me by doing it. I can't read his mind, I don't know where he is or what he's up to, but I feel... anticipation. I know what's about to happen."

"All right. All right." He taps his fingers against the armrest of his wheelchair, thinking. "We will get you away from here. There are several places I believe you will be safe. First--"

"I'm not running again." My tone was very final; I spoke it like a prophetess. I knew, whether it led to my death (for slavery would never be an option again) I would not flee in fear ever again.

A pause. "What, precisely, do you think should be done?"

"I need your help. I need you. To teach me. Help me with my mutation. Control it. Let me defend myself against him."

"Calamity," he said with reluctance in his voice. "I'm not sure that's wise. I don't know enough about his mutation--"

"Look inside my head. It's all there."

"Even so, you're a child! You can't be allowed to--"

"You can't stop me." He stopped arguing with me, looking me full in the face again, weighing, contemplating. He looked surprised, too, and a little hurt. I sighed and rubbed my face. "I'm sorry, Professor. Please. Forgive me. I came to you for help. I want your help. I don't want to do this alone, but... I can't be afraid all the time. Anymore. I know he's coming. I want to be ready."

He was silent a long few minutes, contemplating. "Of course it would be best if we help you control your powers, in any case," he said finally. "But I strongly advise against the notion that you will have any cause to use them, as a weapon, against anyone, let alone Robert Minde." He says the name with disgust, and I see again how tired, ragged he feels. "You may not have known it much in your life so far, Calamity, but there are people, adults, who can and should protect you. I cannot put you in a position--" he flinched and didn't finish his sentence, but looked away, clenching his fist.

I swallow the emotions bubbling up in my throat. "Thank you, Professor," I say hoarsely. I tuck my hair behind my ear. "Professor? May I ask you a question?" He nodded, meeting my eyes again. "It's about the shield. That Sage made. I guess I'm just wondering if it will work, for certain, against him. He wasn't like you and Sage and Dr. Grey. I never even knew he was there." I felt the bite of that old fear again as I gave words to it. "What if he's still here?"

Professor Xavier nodded his understanding. "Sage is very clever, my dear. Far more clever than me, and, I take it, than Dr. Minde. I have every confidence in her."

"But you're kinder."

"Pardon?"

"She's more clever, but you're kinder."

He hesitated. "Yes, perhaps that is so."

"Would you rather be smart or kind?" I don't know why I ask this, but I want to know.

"Kind," he said softly but promptly. I leaned back, a bit surprised, but he shrugged. "I put a lot of value on education and learning, as you know. However, I've seen smart people, even with the best intentions, do terrible damage to the things they care most about. I've seen kindness cause problems too, of course; but those who act always without kindness are always doomed to fail ultimately."

"I don't feel like being kind right now."

"I'm not talking about that."

"I know."

He sighs and smiles at me, lifting his chin. "My dear. I have to ask it of you, but I won't be offended in the slightest if you refuse. I do understand. You came to me for help of one kind, and I intend to assist you, but I also want to offer you help of another kind. Will you allow me to psychically link with you? And help you to sort through the memories and traumas that you have experienced?"

I frown, feeling the tear in my middle again. But I know I need help. Never needed it more, maybe. I look up at him, but all I can see is his need to sleep, to eat, maybe, to rest. I know how much it would take out of him to attempt to help me. "Professor," I begin reluctantly.

"There's no need to explain," he says kindly, shaking his head. "I understand."

"No, no. It's not like that. I really came here, so... Professor, I can see that you're tired. Haven't slept. I can wait."

He leaned back in his chair, raising his eyebrows. Then he laughed. "Oh, Calamity, my dear girl. I always forget how compassionate and perceptive you are." He laughed again, a warm sound. "Yours is such a gentle and giving soul. Believe me, my dear, helping you out of our emotional turmoil would not be the burden you imagine. Difficult, perhaps, painful, no doubt, but a privilege. My dear girl, it would be my privilege. And though you perhaps can wait, you shall not, on my account."

Professor Xavier rubbed his face and sighed. I pulled my sleeves down over my hands, weirdly anxious like that first day I was here. I had been afraid then he would learn the truth about me, look in my mind and see I was nothing, no one; a worthless teenager who had nowhere else to go. My secrets were gone, now; laid bare before him, Jean, and Sage, and Dr. Minde. Like my mind was a field of flowers for them to wander through at will. I was about to invite Professor Xavier in; my little field was in ruin, in flames, I knew I needed his help. Yet I felt the same anxiety rise up like a cold ghost. The Professor smiled at me.

"I remember the first time you were here."

I stiffened. I was, even with Charles, still terrified of the idea of someone in my head without my knowledge or permission. "I was just thinking about that."

"I can't read your mind, Calamity," he said softly. "But I have known you for a long time now. It's not unnatural for us both to think of that." I didn't disagree though we had known each other for less than a year. Yet he shared many of the memories of my life. For us both, it was as if he had known me from childhood.

"Right. Sorry." I breathed out sharply through my nose. How could I want something and not want something in the same instant? I was also curious. About the shield, and how it worked and what the memories would be like with his guidance. "I don't know what to do."

"If you don't mind, I simply want you to relax a moment. I won't try to breach the shield but I do want to examine it if you are willing."

"Knock yourself out, I guess." I close my eyes; the last thing I see is him raising his fingers to his temple. I stare into the infinite black, trying to relax my mind and not think of anything.

After a few minutes, I hear him murmur, "Remarkable. It's as secure as anything I've ever encountered. I don't know how she did it, Calamity, but it seems very secure to me. Strong. Safe. Can you not feel it?" I shook my head. "It's different, too, from other shields she has made. I assume it is to also protect your subconscious. Did you have any nightmares last night, my dear?"

"I can't remember," I murmur.

"Do you remember what to say?"

"'Honey from a thorn,'" I say hesitantly, not knowing what to expect. I didn't feel anything huge; it was like leaning against a door that opens suddenly, a moment of release then re-balance. I feel a moment of panic when I realize Sage never told me how to make someone leave again if I changed my mind and my eyes fly open, a sudden burst of panic in my chest.

Charles held out his hand like I'm a wild animal, the thoughts and emotions hitting him like a burst of heat from an oven. "Perhaps this wasn't a good idea," he says. "Perhaps it's too soon. We don't need to do this now, it's all right."

"No. Dammit." I take a few deep breaths. He's right, we don't have to do this now. But even though the barrier is gone, my mind is my own again, I still feel the contamination of it; the shame; the revulsion. It's too much. It's too much pain and I don't even know what to do with it. It's killing me.

"Instead of processing your traumatic memories and grief, for all this time they have been festering. That, coupled with the destructive and poisonous effects of the barrier, you are suffering a great deal emotionally," Professor Xavier tells me in his clipped accent, gentle but explaining things so that I focus on the facts he's telling me, softening my emotions somewhat. I glance at him, and even though his voice was gentle and informative, I see a sheen of sweat on his forehead.

"This is difficult for you," I say, but it's a question. He is one of the most powerful telepaths on the planet, he could destroy me, anyone, with a thought. I can't see what is causing him distress. It was like seeing a weightlifter balk at a five-pound hand weight. I can offer him no resistance, make no challenge.

"Yes, it is. Though I am 'powerful' as you think it, Calamity, I am just a human. Your emotional distress, which I feel as acutely as if it were my own, as well as having empathy that you should have to experience it, is taxing." His brow was furrowed again. "Calamity, I care for you very much, quite as if you are a daughter or a niece to me. I wish very much you did not have to suffer longer than you already have, yet I know you will. It is difficult. You are as perceptive as always."

"You don't have to," I remind him in a whisper.

"I'm quite willing to brave it if you are."

I laid back down. "I wish there were something I could do for you in return, Professor."

"Your thoughtful words mean a good deal to me. And that you trusted me to come here. Now. My dear. Calm your mind."

My mind is like a dragon. Like a storm. Like a forest fire, wild, grieving. This time, I pay attention to Professor Xavier; I've noticed before that there is a certain two-way street when someone is telepathically connected to me. He's a dragon tamer, a storm chaser. He's a cool mist of rain on the fire, but I feel it, too, that he's sad and angry. But I can't focus on him or his thoughts for very long. My mind turns to the memories, the emotions that are searing inside me.

Something he is doing protects me, somewhat. It's all still there, all the pain of it; but it's like finding a small lee from a buffeting wind. The memories don't come in any order; one moment I'm under Dr. Minde's hand, the next my parents are turning away as I'm being driven to the cat lady's house; there's death then there's school, then there's Agent Dana, then there' s the mansion, Louise, Cyprus, another experiment (he hypnotized me to believe my cat was killed by a dog-- oh, heavens, was that not real? I thought that was real. I could have sworn), my dad putting a chocolate chip in my mouth when we were baking cookies when I was six, the earthy but flowery smell of my mom after she'd been in the warm sunshine--

I don't know how long it went on. A lifetime of memories can be experienced in a few moments. The pain of a few moments can last a lifetime. So I can't say how long, but after a while, I noticed a subtle shift... like when a storm has started to play itself out, or an endless night finally started to end. A sense of not yet but soon; the light hadn't come, but I could feel it beginning,

I felt Professor Xavier leave my mind and I opened my eyes. He looked less worried, though still tired, and offered me a small smile. There was a sheen of sweat on his face and he wiped it with a handkerchief while I wiped away my tears.

"Professor?"

"Yes, my dear." But I wasn't sure what I had wanted to say. I felt oddly bruised in spirit, but much calmer now, not so near an edge. He glanced up at me when I didn't answer and I shrugged helplessly. He smiled again, his mouth twisted in an acknowledgment of shared pain and understanding.

"Shall we trouble Bet for some breakfast?"

"Before we go, Professor... would you mind...? I'd like to see if the shield is in place again, or--"

"Certainly." He put his fingers to his temple, intent for a few moments, then relaxed. "I was not able to access your thoughts."

I nodded, sliding off the couch. "When do you think we'll work on my, my... the thing that happens because of my mutation?"

"I suspect it will need to take precedence due to the fact it can be dangerous, if not controlled." He wheeled to the door as I opened it. "Calamity, do you have any memory of the... more dangerous aspect of your gift, shall we say, ever manifesting?"

"No. Could Sage be wrong?"

"I very much doubt it, but we can be thankful that you haven't inadvertently harmed yourself or someone else."

"Who will be the one to help me?"

"I believe that Dr. Grey, Sage, and I will all collaborate on this, at least until we understand it better. At least as long as Sage can stay, she may be called away." If I do see her, I plan on making sure that she's not having to use her telepathic powers on my account. I know firsthand... I just get it, that she doesn't want to use them.

I smell pancakes and other breakfasty smells emanating from the kitchen. Bet smiles at us in greeting and I glance at the clock-- it was almost eight, nearly two hours had passed. Most students and teachers slept in on the weekends, and everything is pretty low-key throughout the day. Bet serves me and Professor X some pancakes, this homemade vanilla syrup she makes, and it's the first thing that tastes good to me in a long while. I kind of chat with Bet and a few students who wander in, and Professor X tries to draw me into a conversation but I can't maintain it. Somewhere between the butter and the orange juice and the sunshine, I get this weird disconnected feeling.

All the memories and emotions that Professor X helped me try and process are still swirling through my mind. Like red dye dripped into a white paint, they became less distinct but tainted everything. I felt them blur, blend into my mind until I could not see them and I could see nothing but them. They were a ghost, a specter before me. I felt the spark of something within me as I ate the pancakes; not a warmth, a kindling, but something cold as ice and dark.

As I felt it I glanced up and saw Louise walk in and something in my face gave her pause. She looked confused, then concerned; her face twisted into sympathy. "Hey girl," she said brightly, but gently.

"Hey Louise. You're up early." Despite my mood, I couldn't help but smile at her. Her teal hair was in a hastily arranged bun at the nape of her neck, spilling spirals across her forehead and cheeks. Her eyes were bright, piercing. Sometimes it felt like she saw me even more than Professor Xavier.

"I'm hungry!" She scowled, pulling a banana out of a fruit bowl. "And you're one to talk. How long have you been up?"

"A while. I went and saw the Professor." I nodded toward him but he was talking to another student, the mean one with pink eyes.

"That's probably good," she said carefully. "I mean, was it?"

"Yeah, I think so. What are you up to today?"

"Hanging out with you, I guess. And Elixir wants to hang out too."

"I don't know..."

"Are you still feeling sick or something?"

"Or something." I hesitate. The headache, the nausea, the tiredness is gone, it's true. Why do I still feel ill? Nothing hurts. Nothing is sick, anymore. "But maybe you're right." I grin at her responsive little dance of joy at getting her way.

"Okay, sweet." She enthusiastically pulls a fresh pancake onto her plate and plasters it with butter.

I glance over at Professor X. He's wheeling toward me and gives me a small smile. "If you are agreeable, on Monday we will meet after school. Daily, at first."

"I usually help Bet--"

"I'm aware. I don't wish to take you away from her, yet it will be necessary. I have... other obligations. I may not always be there, in fact, but Dr. Grey or Hank or Sage will be there. You must, until we better understand everything, be very careful of your emotions, Calamity. We do know they trigger your mutation." He was searching my face.

"Okay."

"All right. Thank you again, Calamity." He started to turn away but came back. "If you should ever need help, simply repeat the phrase and think of the person you want to allow access to your mind. They will have access until they withdraw, so, of course, we will honor your requests to leave at any point. It goes without saying but I must emphasize that you should carefully avoid accidentally thinking of Dr. Minde when you say the phrase." My eyes widen in fear. I nod, and he gives me a pat of reassurance. "All will be well, Calamity, my dear. Even should you think of him inadvertently, there are other measures in place, thanks to Sage."

I meander through the day with Louise and Elixir. Mostly I feel the grief and fear slide to the background, but it's never far from my mind. Louise and Elixir do a good job of keeping me in the present when my heart and mind keep yearning to the past, those months of my life stolen from me. I remember what Professor X said. I watch my emotions. Every time I feel them begin to swell, I try to distract myself, but the anger, the hatred... those I don't really want to control. I do. Barely. I leave them to simmer. I remember what Sage said, and how the Professor responded-- that he intended to hold Dr. Minde answerable.

I remember distinctly as Elixir was teaching me and Louise how to play poker. It was this moment where I was paying attention to that, but something inside me clicked into place, and I realized that I was truly the only one who could hold him responsible. I started thinking that the government, the Professor, none of them really could or should confront him. It had to be me. I was the one he wronged, no one else could make it right. I knew he would be coming for me. I laid out my cards on the table, and grinned at Elixir, who smiled back, and my heart was beating kind of fast. Because of him, his smile, and the crush I had on him, and because I knew I wouldn't back down from meeting Dr. Minde when he came. I intended to be waiting.


	12. Chapter 12

You can see it coming. Can't you?

I couldn't.

It's so trite, so foolish. It's a cliche, really. If I were standing back, maybe, I could have realized what could happen before it did, but I was right in it and none of it even crossed my mind. If I could have looked down from far above, maybe, and all my pain and anger and hatred would have seemed so laughable and small in the wider picture, maybe I would have made different choices.

But I didn't.

I was so locked inside my own pain and rage I never stopped to think about what might happen to other people.

I can tell you what it was like. I can tell you how I got there, and I leave myself open to judgment. You can't judge me any more harshly than I judge myself.

...

Charles Xavier kept his word to me. On Mondays after school, he would help me, or sometimes Jean Grey or once or twice it was Sage. I doubt she would have done it, but I was a special case, to her. She wanted to protect me from the same stuff she went through. It was too late, we couldn't undo what had been done, but there's something to be said for making sure it wouldn't happen again. We took it slowly; it was frustrating. It was my fear, my old memories that often got in the way of progressing. A lot of Charles' time with me was instead spent on teaching me to control my emotions so there were no accidents.

I had just started to be able to activate the light on purpose, but it was weak, and I couldn't maintain it. I hadn't been able, hadn't really tried, to conjure the shadow. I was afraid of it, but the anger and hatred were often close to the surface. Even when I was focusing my attention on things that made me happy, that gave me joy, I could sense my anger, hatred, and sorrow like a shadow that never dissipated even in full sunlight. When I could sense it, it only made it worse, like trying not to think a terrible thought.

"Calamity," Charles said softly, and I felt the sensation of waking up though I hadn't been asleep, exactly. I had been deeply concentrating, connecting to that part of me that was strange and new and frightening, the part that was a mutant. "Be cautious, my dear."

He felt it when my emotions went dark, but it was so _easy_ to let them. The emotions that leant themselves to compassion and empathy when easily in hand with anger and hatred, if you thought about it, though they seemed to be opposite. Both were reactions to a perceived _wrong._ Invariably, my attempts to be compassionate tumbled into the darker emotions and we'd have to start entirely over.

With access to my mind, he could have stopped me, could have controlled me and manipulated my thoughts and emotions but he never did. "It is you that must gain control if you are ever to master your abilities," he insisted when I got impatient with my own efforts and knew he could do it for me. "If I am the one to control your emotions then you will always be vulnerable to them."

At first, trying to access my mutation was like trying to fish out a broken eggshell from the egg. It eluded me, no matter how much I tried to grasp it. The problem was all the memories I had of Dr. Minde doing basically what Charles was trying to help me do, except Charles of course wasn't torturing me then hiding the memory of it. He wasn't manipulating my emotions, only helping me to guide the emotions I already had. Funnel them, channel them, gather them, like picking cherries.

Worst. Cherries. Ever.

He showed me something innocuous as we tried again. A child looking through a fence at other children playing, feeling left out. "Calm your mind," Charles murmured, his eyes closed, his fingers to his temple.

I breathed like Dr. Grey taught me. Drew from the strength I'd learned from Sage. Tapped into the compassion I felt like Professor Xavier showed me. I thought of how the child must feel-- lonely. I drew on my loneliness. Sad. I drew on my sadness. I knew they could also feel angry, but I did not tap that well; instead I funneled those shared emotions into a desire to help the child, not punish those who had allowed the sad thing to happen. 

I felt the thing inside me, the light side, begin to grow. It was like the kindling of a fire; too much effort to grow it might smother it. I felt Professor Xavier's gentle encouragement in my mind. I was patient. I thought of all the people who had helped me when I was sad, when I was lonely, and felt my compassion grow and the brightness grow, and I held it. For the first time ever, without being tortured or manipulated, I did it. I held it. I opened my eyes.

My hands were glowing softly along the lines of my veins, a yellowish color like sunlight on a clear day. I looked at them then up at Charles in astonished delight.  
He grinned widely. 

"Well done, my dear."

"Wow. Okay. Okay. Now what do I do?"

"For the present, simply explore what this feels like. The more recognizable it becomes, the easier it will be for you to attain it again." I had been so focused on the effort I hadn't really noticed what it felt like. It felt amazing. Like, weird but pleasant, like eating a kiwi. My body and mind for once didn't feel like my enemy, like something used against me but instead my powerful ally.

I laughed quietly, moving my hand. Professor Xavier grinned, true happiness in his eyes. _Now, Calamity. Try and amplify the effect._

_How?_

_The emotions connected to the healing aspect of your mutation. Try to access them and by focusing on them, see if you can make the light brighter. You may feel more connected to the emotion if it's linked with someone you actually know._

I closed my eyes to concentrate. Compassion was easy to me. I thought of the pain and suffering of those around me and simply wished that that suffering did not have to last. I thought of Bet. She had no family-- no husband or children, though she had always longed for them. Instead of being angry or bitter, she instead chose to serve others at the school. I thought of how lonely and hard that must be at times and felt a swell of love for her. I felt the light grow brighter and opened my eyes.

It was brighter. My whole body, especially my hands and chest, had a soft glow. I looked at Charles to gauge his reaction. He was still smiling but appeared more serious, though I didn't see any traces of worry.

_Indeed I am not worried. I'm amazed, though. Remarkable. ___

__I felt shaky, slightly giddy, but I felt strong. It was not a sensation I was overly familiar with. Professor Xavier reached for a wilted plant on his desk and moved it toward me. A tremor went through my soul-- it was something I'd seen Dr. Minde do dozens of times as he tried to pinpoint how to trigger my mutation without me being the one to control it._ _

_Calm your mind,_ Charles said sharply, recalling my thoughts away from the dark path they'd turned. I gritted my teeth. I would _not_ let him control me one more moment, I would not. I banished the thought of him, focusing again on Bet and her kindness, finding things to cook me without meat, the flowers she put in a little vase on the table, thought of her pain and needs instead of my own.

The light flickered but then brightened again. I felt grim satisfaction but I don't forget he can still shake me. I reach out and touch the little house plant, water-starved and drooping and when I touch it, I feel this throb like a faint little heartbeat. It sucks the light out of my fingertip and it feels like a little shock of static electricity, a small zap, and I jerk my hand back. My surprise makes me drop the emotions and I'm just me again.

"Well done." Charles brushes his fingers along the now spritely plant, examining it.

"I wasn't expecting it to hurt." He twisted his mouth in contemplation.

After a pause, he asked, "Am I to take it that this is the first time you have purposefully directed your gift? All other times it has been evoked and burst from you?"

"Yeah, I guess it is."

"But you don't recall pain from it?"

I swallowed hard, trying to recall how I felt without actually feeling it. "No. Not from that. It feels weird, but it doesn't hurt." He tightened his lips, sympathetic.

"Shall we try again? This time, instead of touching the plant, try simply to let it burst from you."

This time it took a couple of tries to even get the glow. I was sweating and tired, but after a few attempts, I got a strong enough emotional response that the light came and went in a flash. A second plant, as wilted as the first had been, received the brunt of it. Charles, the only other living thing in the room, caught a bit of it as well and grabbed his forehead and I feel him leave my mind instantly.

"Professor are you all right?" I said quickly, touching his sleeve.

"Yes, I'm quite all right."

"You don't seem all right. Most people feel... better if that happens," I say worriedly.

"Indeed physically I feel stronger. But it's somewhat like hearing a thousand voices at full volume instead of a whisper. I was not prepared for it, and the amplification did take me by surprise. But it is... quite remarkable." I breathe out, not quite believing he'd told me everything, my heart still pounding from the fear that I'd hurt him somehow. He seemed to have recovered, though, because he was examining the second plant.

"It's much healthier, but less so than the first plant. It seems a direct touch is more effective than the burst, despite the later requiring a higher degree of emotion. It is interesting that you were able to affect both the plant and myself. In fact, look here, the first plant has changed again, it appears to have grown slightly but measurably. There seems to be a compounding effect. I think--" He cut off, glancing at me, noticing me shaking a bit. He immediately leaned forward, concerned. "My mind is not connected to yours, Calamity, please tell me. What are you experiencing?"

"Um. I'm okay." It's hard for me to identify, even to myself, what I'm feeling. But... good. I think I feel good. Something else. Happy, maybe. I look at the little plants and I feel... happy. "Yeah, I'm definitely okay." He relaxed visibly and smiled again.

"You did very well. Next week we can--"

"No. Please. Professor, I want to keep going."

"I find that over-taxing the student can make it more difficult later. It might be best if we--"

"Professor I'm not overtaxed! I want... I need..." I hesitate, not wanting to verbalize what I really wanted, not wanting him to know, but also knowing it was futile to keep secrets from him and I could not succeed without his help. At least not safely. I clenched my teeth. "I need to be able to control the other thing. Aspect. The... shadow."

He leaned back in his chair, studying me, his brow furrowed. "Calamity, I think it would be best if we first developed the healing, life supportive side. That way, if there are any... accidents with the shadow aspect as you call it, you will be able to help mitigate any harm."

"I just don't want anything to happen by accident." I pause. "I'm angry a lot, professor. If I can understand and control the shadow aspect, maybe I'll be less afraid. What if it bursts out of me?" To admit my weakness and fear was difficult, but I was trying for honesty.

"Has that ever happened?"

"I honestly don't know." I breathe out sharply, knowing I'd have to show him memories I'd rather not even think about, but afraid to as well. "I can remember something with Dr. Minde... but I'm afraid to remember, I don't want the shadow to come--"

"I can see why you would hesitate. Perhaps for now I can help you control your emotions?" He puts it as a question, but it's not really as if I have a choice. But at least he was asking. At least the control I gave him would be my choice at least that's what I told myself.

"But you said I should learn to control them."

"Yes, and I stand by that statement. I'm seeking your permission to step in if they get out of your control, especially at first." I nod my agreement and understanding.

I took a few steadying breaths, steadying my emotions myself as best I could. "'Honey from a thorn,'" I say, thinking only of the Professor, a squirm of apprehension as always. Also as always, he presents in my mind in the garden. I don't know why all telepaths always start here; Sage said that it was my own rudimentary protective response; not really one to sugar-coat things, Sage. It did very little to stop Dr. Minde from doing the things he did, but for more polite visitors, it was a safe place to start. The garden had changed from those first days. It was still full of sad flowers, but no longer wilted. Without the barrier, it was a much healthier, thriving place, though not without its thorns, its warnings. It was a comfortable, safe place, though, before delving into the terrible memories of the past the removal of the barrier had revealed.

Charles stood, once again much taller than me, not stopping to examine the flowers as he normally did. He was watching me, his brow creased, sensing now quite easily all my anxiety.

_I am still not convinced this is a good idea, Calamity._

_Maybe not but I want to try. Please._

_You must promise to not resist if I terminate the experiment._

He's watching my face as he asks this of me. We have a tacit agreement that in my mind, I make the decisions, I direct things, I am in control as much as possible. He knows my agreement to his condition may be uncomfortable, but I readily agree. The truth is, I don't really want to be responsible if something goes wrong. Charles understands the sentiment and smiles wryly. But he's used to this. It's what he does.

The garden disappears and I'm with Dr. Minde. At first, I'm seeing it all exactly as I remember it, staring up at him, his hand near my neck. I breathe and breathe but I feel anxiety building faster than I can stop it. Professor Xavier is there now in my memory and he takes my arm and pulls me away and now I'm watching things, as he is, from a safe distance. Watching the scene unfold instead of reexperiencing the memory soothes my emotions and I relax slightly.

 _I wish you to explain it,_ Charles tells me, though I know he can see and feel everything that I saw and felt.

 _He doesn't understand the shadow aspect. This is the first time he accidentally triggered it. He knows that the light makes him stronger, he's trying for that, but he doesn't know yet exactly what it is that will make it happen. He thinks any strong emotion, so he..._ my chest feels tight and painful. It takes me a moment to complete the thought. _He's tried making me really sad, and afraid, and he tried a long time to make me happy and excited like at Christmas but none of that is doing what he wants so he was saving pain and anger and hatred._

_You think he was reluctant to do that? Why?_

_He didn't want to hurt me. Unless it was necessary._

I let the memory flow over me then. He was a powerful hypnotist, and though there was perhaps a small part of my mind that knew what was real and what was not, it certainly felt very real. I watched my memory of him making me experience my father abusing my mother in front of me, then me, her trying to protect me, feeling his hands beating me, beating my mom, until the anger and desperation and hatred reared in me suddenly and completely. Unlike the feeling of light gathering in my chest, I felt an outward projection of darkness that gathered around Dr. Minde like a misting shadow. It drew over him and he grew pale, shaky, and I felt a surge of... I don't know. It scared me and the shadow dropped away like mist in the sunlight.

I can't know how he had the presence of mind to overcome it. Weakened physically, his mutant power zapped and drained, it was a moment he could have succumbed to the injury. But he didn't. He used hypnotic suggestion to calm my mind, then with his last ounce of strength manipulated my mind and thoughts to trigger the light burst. It wasn't strong; he didn't know how to make it strong yet; it was somehow enough. It strengthened him.

It wasn't something I wanted to remember. How he grasped my hand and cried and apologized and wiped away my tears although he was pale and shaking and hurt himself. He could have, but he didn't, trigger another healing. He stroked my hair and placed the barrier, carefully, making sure no memories of the event escaped. He picks me up, though I am not small, and hugs me in a tight, comforting embrace. I remember feeling upset though I didn't know why, as if I had found a mysterious bruise I did know remember getting. I trusted him even though moments before I had been screaming and terrified and pleading and he'd just watched, just watched.

"When you make me strong enough, someday, I'll be able to destroy the memories and you won't need the barrier. You'll _want_ to help me. We'll be a team, an unstoppable team," he tells me, or himself, since I won't remember. I wonder if he's lying, even to himself, to justify what he's doing. Using me. Making me do what I would never agree to do. Forcing me in ways that no one should ever be forced. 

_Does he really think I would ever willingly participate?_

_As I don't have access to his thoughts and emotions, I can't say for certain. But from what I have seen in your memories, like many mutants, Dr. Minde may have started on a path with good intentions but he lacked the strength of will to do the right thing when it started to hurt others. It's how good mutants go bad._ Charles answers my thought, but I sense in him a dread and pain that seemed unrelated to what he'd witnessed. He had been watching Dr. Minde, but turned to me and nodded slightly, agreeing with my assessment but not elaborating.

I wanted him to know, then. It wasn't to be cruel, though it was, I understand that now. At the time I only thought of him knowing, tired of no one else understanding. Though he'd been in my mind when the barrier was removed and had a broad sense of what I'd been through, it was like a movie with no sound and sped up so quickly that it was missing frames. I selfishly, desperately, wanted someone to understand what I'd been through.

I remembered in quick succession: Dr. Minde got over his regret and started fostering the shadow aspect. As he invented new ways to inflict pain on me, he grew more cruel and calloused. The man I knew as a doctor helping mutants heal in Community was gone; eclipsed by a sadistic monster that lived only to further his own power and ends. I let Charles see all the memories of it, feel everything I felt, and in a moment it was all out of my control. I admit that I had no idea how quickly it would escalate. It was so fast I didn't even have a chance to react, a chance to breathe, a chance to _anything--_

I could feel the darkness gather and grow like a blackened cloud but no merciful rain would fall, it brought only destruction, destitution--

I was sitting in a chair, a high chair, swinging my feet and feeling my new shoes bounce against it, making a pleasing banging sound. The noise made my mother look up, and she smiled at me. "Happy birthday, Star!" She said in a sing-song voice, turning around. In her hands was a beautiful potted flower, pink my favorite color, lovely and bright. I squealed in delight. She set it near me on the table and my dad came from the other room, singing happy birthday with a messily decorated pink cake that I thought was the greatest thing I'd ever seen.

_"You're not three just every day!" My dad said, the two bright candles glowing before me. I blew them out and they applauded. I laughed again and they both leaned down to kiss my cheeks, squishing my face as I squirmed in anticipation for cake. In my arms was a brand new doll that I had wanted and in that moment, I felt as much exuberant joy and love as, maybe, I ever would again._

I sat up in Charles' office, breathing hard. I open my eyes as I feel Charles gently break the link to our minds. I scramble to my feet when I see Professor Xavier, with a look on his face I had never seen before-- He looked incredibly angry. It was frightening. I backed away from him and his expression cleared.

"Calm your mind, Calamity," he said calmly. But I knew he was not calm. Neither was I.

"What just happened?"

"I was able to counteract the emotional response you had by remembering Dr. Minde's experiments by forcefully causing you to remember your third birthday, in order to prevent you from accidentally harming me. And the plants, presumably. Your emotions were much more volatile than even I anticipated, and I was expecting the worse, or so I thought. Calm your mind," he said again, more firmly. "Take a breath." I know he won't say anything unless I comply, so I do my best to calm down.

"Professor... you were angry with me?" It's not really a question, but I really didn't know what I had done. Charles was looking at me carefully and sighed deeply.

"I can honestly say that yes, I was quite angry, but not at you. I felt all the anger that you did, as well as my own very justifiable anger at the way you were abused. It was an unforeseen side effect of your earlier boost to my own powers of empathy that the reaction was more extreme than I anticipated." Even without our minds connected, I could sense his deep emotions coming off in waves. It seemed to me very foolish, all of the sudden, that I had allowed myself to forget that Charles Xavier was a very powerful, gifted, and dangerous mutant; it was also the first time I _felt_ that he could be dangerous.

Yikes.

I could see that he was calming down. He reached across his desk, moving the plants out of the way, and poured himself a cup of tea. He took a sip and made a face. "Drat, it's stone cold." He set his cup back in its saucer. "Calamity, I hope you won't be adverse to now calling it a day. I need time to collaborate and come up with a plan of how best to proceed when it comes to the shadow aspect of your mutation. I think it would be unwise to the point of foolishness to expect you to be able to control emotions connected with it, given the damage inflicted on you by Dr. Minde."

I appreciated what I knew to be a very calm mask over a very frightening response to what I had just put us through. He had ever reason and justification to direct some of his anger at me, but if he did, he didn't show it in the least.

"What happened today only makes me want to try more so I can control it, Professor. I feel like it's a time bomb inside of me."

"I assure you, you are the not the first student to feel that way about their powers, and you won't be the last."

"But how many others are unavailable to you telepathically?" I wonder out loud.

He paused. "Point taken." He tapped his fingers on the desk, frowning. "Though I am thankful for Sage's protection of your mind, it certainly has created some difficulties. If there were a way to monitor your emotional state to assure your safety, and of course the safety of those around you, perhaps you and I both would feel more comfortable."

"I doubt anyone else in the school is asked to allow that level of scrutiny," I remind him, fear crawling up my spine. It was Charles, not Dr. Minde. It was my friend who helped me, not my tormentor. It was different. But the fear was the same.

"I'm not asking it of you, child," he responded absently, stroking the plant's leaves. He looks up at me, and again I get the feeling his blue eyes can see beyond the shield, into my heart. "Instead of asking you to trust me, what I will do is trust you. I must ask you to make a very serious promise. You must not try to access that part of your ability, under any circumstances. That is first."

"I wouldn't," I started to protest. He held up his hand.

"I'm not looking for an argument, my dear. There is no room for ambiguity. You must not access that ability, under any circumstances. And you must, no matter what the situation, alert me, Dr. Grey, or Sage telepathically if you are running into difficulty. Emotionally. You know of what I speak! If there is a chance you might trigger the shadow aspect, you are to contact one of us."

"I'm not telepathic."

"I'm aware," Professor X said wryly. "However, when you say the phrase, there is a certain... sense of the change. I believe that whoever you allow contact with your mind will be able to sense it, especially in such close proximity."

"Um, okay. I guess."

"There can be no mistakes, Calamity. I am trusting you to do as I request, as my student and as your mentor. Will you do the things I have asked?"

"Yes, sir."

He relaxed his posture slightly, smiling up at me kindly, not unlike the first time I saw him. When I was so afraid and hopeful at the same time, but not trusting that hope. Not knowing how to trust someone yet. All the memories that Charles had uncovered had only made it harder in some ways. Yet he had trusted me to trust him. That's not nothing.

"Calamity..." As I'm pulling on my jacket I turn at the note of trepidation and hesitation in his voice. Uh-oh, I think. It can't be good.

"Yes, Professor? Something else? Something wrong?"

"No, no! Not wrong. I... well, I'm afraid that I would be overstepping a boundary by broaching the next subject."

I gave him a puzzled look then laughed. "I wasn't aware we had any boundaries left, Professor." Was their anything more soul baring that allowing someone to witness the systematic abuse you suffered? 

He smiled. "It may feel like that sometimes. However, I have always tried to maintain a certain respect for the areas of your life that are, shall we say, more personal in nature. However, I have told you that I have a fondness for you, and therefore--"

"Whatever it is, Professor, I'm sure I'm fine with it. I feel like we're friends, too, if that's what you're getting at."

"Yes, quite." He sounds a bit more at ease. "Of course, it's entirely up to you, and I would never want to trespass--"

"What is it? Just spit it out!"

"Very well. You see the young man Elixir that is your friend..."

"Elixir? What about him?"

"I wanted to tell you, my dear, that he cares for you."

"Yeah. He's a good friend."

"Yes. Well. I accidentally, well that is to say I incidentally overheard, though it was not on purpose, though I admit I could have done more to exclude myself from the conversation." I tilt my head, raising my eyebrow, but not interrupting him again. He clears his throat. "My dear girl. I wanted to tell you that Elixir has somewhat of a crush, shall we say, on you. Since he has determined that you are overburdened with everything that is going on, he has decided that he would not act on it. I ordinarily would not encourage, that is to say, I would not interfere, really, however, I feel that it might be beneficial, perhaps, to see you socialize with a young man of Elixir's character. He is a fine young man." He looks up at me, uncomfortable. "Though, perhaps, I ought not to have said anything."

"Professor." I shake my head, my mind reeling, my face beginning to burn. "Are you trying to tell me... Elixir likes me? Like, like likes me?"

"I suppose in that vernacular you would be correct in your assessment."

"Oh." I felt strange and tingly and glanced at my hands in alarm. Nope, no glowing, no shadow-- nothing.

Charles smiled, correctly interpreting my movement. "In this case my dear, I don't believe the strange sensation you are experiencing has anything to do with a mutation."

"I... I don't think anyone's ever... liked me before. Am I--" my face was hot with embarassment, I'm sure I was beet red. "Am I supposed? To do something about it?"

"No... I just thought you'd like to know." He seemed more sad than embarrased now, handling me quite gentle.

"Right. Thanks." I'm so flustered I don't know what to think. Elixir has always been very kind to me, but it never crossed my mind that he would like me. I'm younger, for starters. And not super cute. Like, he's ridiculously good-looking, and I'm just kind of plain, not ugly but there are plenty of good-looking single girls in the school. I mean, yeah, we've been getting closer the last week or so. I kind of told him some of the things that were happening to me. He and Louise are my closest friends and I didn't want him out of the loop since it was bound to come up since he hung out with us so much. But he was just a good friend. I thought he was. I didn't know if I had a crush on him; maybe I did and didn't even know it. I certainly wanted to be with him and Louise as much as I could, and admired their good looks and personalities, that seemed to be regular friendship stuff. Not that I was very experienced in that arena, either. 

"Anyway, have a good evening, I'll see you in class," Professor Xavier says cheerfully.

"Yeah, you too," I mutter, giving him kind of an annoyed look for dropping a bomb on me after all that. I get the sneaking suspicion that he timed it to distract me from everything that had happened and keep me from focusing on the shadow aspect and what happened. I step out of his office and frown, pulling my hair into a bun and sticking a pencil through it. Honestly, I don't know how deeply he read me. I've tried not to think about it or plan too much in case he or Dr. Grey or Sage accidentally get wind of it. But he might have a sense, who wouldn't, of my anger, my desire to see Dr. Minde brought to some kind of justice.

But it honestly worked. The distraction thing. I was 76% occupied with this new understanding of Elixir. I bit my lip, thinking of our last few encounters. They didn't seem any different from usual, but the Professor had said he decided not to act on his feelings. So he might be playing it cool, or the Professor could have misunderstood. Not likely. I give him a 3% chance of being wrong when it comes to people's feelings.

I adjust my jacket and go to find Louise. If anyone could help me, it would be her. True to her word, she didn't like Elixir in that way and in a weird way they'd become better friends. She had told me she had a crush but refused to tell me who it was; she liked to tease that way. It felt nice to have something else to think and worry about. I could almost pretend that all that terrible stuff had happened to someone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot thank you enough for the comments. I really appreciate any feedback or critiques because since this is my first fic I'm really not sure what I'm doing. I really hope you continue to enjoy my little story! Er... kind of BIG story :D


	13. Chapter 13

That conversation I had with the Professor. About Elixer having a crush on me. The memory of it comes back to me at odd times and I don't think there's anything more strange; it gives me a weird and disconnected feeling that it happened to someone else and not me, one of the few memories of my time at the school that some times feels like one of the memories Dr. Minde created-- false, wrong, meant to manipulate me. But it wasn't. It happened but it feels like it shouldn't have happened.

It _was_ foolish. though. I feel foolish, even thinking about it. Letting myself be distracted, letting myself believe even for a moment that I was a normal girl that someone could like. Someone as wonderful and sweet as Elixir. Elixir was fine. Not fine _looking_ , but fine in his soul, like a painting is. Fine hearted. He was too good for me, I think. But we'll never know, now. I never talked to Louise about him. It didn't feel right to. I never had someone to talk to about that kind of thing or had any reason to and I guess I didn't even know how I should. I might have forgotten about the entire things.

But even at the time, that moment with the Professor, where he told me Elixir liked me as more than a friend... it came back to me, over and over again, then later when I was alone. It was odd, at first, and I thought maybe childish, or petty-- insignificant. I could be thinking of many things. My parents. Bet's food (don't think about that). The way the wind smelled after it swept over the grounds at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. I didn't intentionally seek out the memory, it just kept coming on its own, along with the image of Elixir as I first met him, in sun glasses, leaning on the car. All wrapped up with my thoughts of him was his friendship with me and Louise. I think the idea of it, as a possibility, appealed to me. Even though it was becoming more and more a remote possibility. It kept me sane.

Well. Almost.

...

The only thing that changed is that I was super flustered around Elixer for a while, hardly able to look at him. He seemed baffled by the change, while Louise ignored it entirely after staring at me pretty hard for the first few excruciating times. I got over it. It eased. Things moved along. I pretended my past didn't exist most of the time and it was overall... pleasant.

I made incremental progress using my powers, but for the most part the Professor was highly discouraging whenever I wanted to practice with the shadow aspect. I'll admit it had some unpleasant side effects; I actually had a much more difficult time summoning the light, healing, painful side afterword. I didn't bring it up although I'm sure the Professor and Dr. Grey could sense it, we never brought it up directly. I thought Sage might understand but she wasn't around but I wondered what she would think of the fact that it was harder to empathize with anyone after using the shadow. Since the light side was often painful to use, practicing my powers was almost a chore, and I began to shorten our sessions when I could so I could go do other stuff; hanging out with Louise and Elixer and other kids around the school and of course I worked with Bet.

I was in English a few weeks later when Ms. Frost paused mid-sentence, inclining her head as if listening. She looked up at me, slightly annoyed from being interrupted mid-class, and jerked her head toward the door. "Miss Calamity. You are wanted in Professor Xavier's office." Then she continued speaking. Everyone was looking at me as I gathered up my school stuff, and I felt my heart pound. Why would he call me out of class? Was something wrong? Had something happened? Had I done something? I felt a familiar, unwelcome flush creep up my neck.

I knocked on the door and heard him in his clipped British accent bid me enter. I stuck my head in and my eyes were drawn immediately to Sage, sitting in perfect but effortless posture on the edge of the desk. Her lips were tight, her eyes shaded by her red sunglasses. "Sage!" I exclaimed. Professor X had told me she was on assignment and I might not see her for several weeks. It had been only a couple weeks.

"Hello, Calamity." I could faintly see her eyes behind her glasses, studying me. "How are you?"

"I'm good! How are you?"

"Well. I am here to see to your instruction. Meet me in the training room downstairs please." Taken aback, I glanced at Professor Xavier. He nodded, a tight smile on his lips.

"Do as she asks, Calamity," he said. I nodded. I closed the door quietly and started to walk downstairs. With a fearful throb of my heart that I would be caught, I turned back and pressed my ear closer to the door.

"...And I'm not convinced this is the wisest course."

"Surely you can trust my judgment if there is a question?" Sage said, her voice calm but I could detect a growing warmth.

"Of course," Charles responded with some asperity now. "I did call her as you bid me, did I not?"

"Yes. You did. So I find little profit in continued pointless discourse."

"Very well." I leaned away, ready to leave if they made a movement toward the door. "How long would you estimate we have?"

"I don't know, Charles." There was definitely a little snip in her voice now. "And I know that you know I despise guessing."

"I am aware, Tessa, yet I feel like your estimate will still be of value."

A long pause. "If my efforts have succeeded in buying us time, I believe we can estimate that he will come for her within the month, but perhaps not for a couple of weeks.  
Giving us enough time, if only just."

"Are you sure that he will be successful at blocking myself or Jean?"

"I doubt anyone could block Jean if she were very determined! But it would be most unwise for either of you to try to telepathically access his mind, Charles. Even if you find some success, he will very likely be able to access your subconscious if you do. He's insidious. He's stronger than I gave him credit for. If not for Lucy's fortitude, I don't know if I could have helped her in time when he attacked her."

"I did not suppose he was as powerful as all that," I heard Professor respond after a moment.

"His torment of Calamity yielded him results, that is why he continued it despite his wish not to harm the girl. He's much more powerful than Calamity remembers. He is dangerous. Even Jean would be remiss in trying to fight him that way. If he had not been so inexperienced and rushed, it might have been more difficult to break the barrier. I do not want to test my strength against his that way."

"I know how you feel," Charles responded softly. "I will defer to your judgment on the matter. How will we protect others from his subconscious attack?"

"Send only mutants who are immune to telepathic attack. At least until we can better understand how to combat him. I can't protect everyone at once!"

A pause. "I wouldn't expect you to. You shouldn't expect it of yourself, either." There was a long moment of silence. "Are you certain your shield will be sufficient to protect her from him?" He said it so quietly I almost did not hear him. And Sage did not verbally reply. I don't know if she nodded or shook her head. There was another moment of silence and I heard them move and I bolted to the stairs out of sight as the door to the office opened. I quickly and as silently as possible slipped into the gym. We called it the gym, but it was really a mutant training ground. There were physical sciences classes but they had not much to do with sports, like my sap high school did.

I slumped against the wall, fiddling with my backpack as if I had been patiently waiting for her. She stepped into the room and lifted her red sunglasses off her eyes, onto her forehead, pushing her dark hair away from her face. She looked at me inscrutably. It was perhaps foolish of me to eavesdrop when there was a chance she would want to telepathically connect with my mind. But I doubted that she would. It was unpleasant for her, extremely so. I don't know what kind of control it takes to completely shut down your mutant powers, but I imagine it's not easy and it takes a lot of discipline. And motivation. One you didn't abandon easily. Seeing as how she did it every day, I doubted she had much reason now to use her gift.

"Stand up, Calamity," she said quietly, and I obeyed. I turned at a sound and Dr. Grey and Professor Xavier and Hank were all watching us but standing well back.

"What's going on?"

"When you told Charles that you thought Dr. Minde would try to come for you here, we took it as a credible threat and tried to locate him. Professor Xavier was able to narrow it down, though not pinpoint a location. Over the past couple of weeks, I have attempted to track his movements and find him, and stop him if I could. There were others with me. We could not apprehend him, because had a few mutants with him that we were not expecting. Because we could not stop him, though I believe we did slow down his plans measurably, we have made a somewhat drastic decision." She paused, and for a moment, for the first time, seemed uncertain.

Professor Xavier wheeled toward us. "Calamity. Do you recall that Sage has a certain ability to accelerate or increase another mutants mutation?"

"Yes," I said slowly, not wanting to make the mental leap they wanted me to. I wanted it spelled out. They surely could not mean boosting me. "I thought that was for mutants that hadn't manifest their mutation yet."

"At times. We have found it much better in most cases to let mutations evolve, if you will, naturally. However, in your case, we think it would not be safe to leave you without control of your powers."

"By making me stronger?" I gaped at them. "You think it will be easier for me to control a nuclear bomb as opposed to a pipe bomb?"

"No one here is giving you a nuclear bomb," Sage interrupted, her eyes flashing. She had very little patience for challenge or argument, it never crossed her mind that she could be wrong about anything. It's difficult to argue with someone of her intellectual capabilities, in any case. "You must learn to control your emotions, and your powers. By strengthening you, I hope to allow you to access them, defensively, without emotionally compromising yourself. It is a risk, yes. If you are too immature, too afraid to do it, we will abandon the prospect immediately." Subdued, I bowed my head. She, who had perfect control over her powers, made me feel weak and useless for fearing my own.

"I am afraid," I admitted softly. "I'm afraid of what might happen, that I might hurt someone. I wish I didn't have these mutations at all! They've brought me nothing but pain and suffering!" I felt the swirl of heat in my chest at my rising emotion. "Now you want to make them stronger! I'd rather you destroy them. If you make me more powerful, Dr. Minde will have even more reason to seek me out, enslave me again, use me for his own purposes."

"He won't," Sage said shortly.

"Are you really sure of that?"

Sage was silent, the others were silent, and she stepped closer, leaning down so her face was close to mine. "I will kill him myself before he ever enters your mind again. That's a promise. But you can protect yourself if you set aside your fear and use your gifts wisely and with control."

Her eyes were locked on mine, and all I could think at that moment was... I wouldn't have to be afraid anymore. I could protect myself. Yes, I feared my own strength, but it was only something that was happening sooner than I thought; I would eventually reach that strength anyway, probably. Why fear my strength? Why shy away from power? What had caution ever won me? And then Sage wouldn't need to protect me or kill Dr. Minde. I could kill him myself if I wanted. After all he did to me. After what he caused to happen to my parents.

"Why now? Why pull me out of class?" I asked, twisting my head to look at Charles, wanting to know what the impetus was for his change of heart.

"Sage can't stay long," Professor Xavier responded. "In fact, we are delaying her now. We should proceed, that is, if you are truly ready and willing to proceed, Calamity. I feel you should know that I think we can keep you safe without this rather drastic measure."

"I'm tired of being afraid."

"This may not make you less afraid," Dr. Grey said softly. I looked at her in surprise. "Greater power brings its own, often greater, risk." A shadow of pain crossed her face and I swallowed.

"It's rather more than I would expect any 15-year-old to decide, Calamity. Yet it can only be decided by you."

"What if... the shadow..." I tucked my arms by my side, shaking my head. "There are students, and, and you all..."

"The students are in no danger. This room is specially designed. And Jean is here, with the Professor, for the express purpose of keeping things from getting out of control."

"What about you?" I lifted my chin to Hank.

"I'm here in case. And because I want to be here for you. Moral support and all that," he replied with a small smile. I returned it. From day one, Hank had been there when I needed anything. I appreciated him being here now.

"What do I do?"

"Say the phrase and allow Dr. Grey and the professor to telepathically link with you. Just in case. It should not be necessary."

She paused so I complied. "'Honey from a thorn,'" I whispered, picturing them in my mind. I felt the give of the shield, then felt them, faintly, and saw Charles raise his hand to his temple. I felt them but they kept a distance.

"Now what?"

"It may help if you close your eyes. You will feel me grasp your wrists. Do not resist." As if I could. "Because the sensation will be powerful, and strange, it may make you... uncomfortable. But it does not inflict pain, normally."

"Normally?"

"Not normally," she affirmed. Well, awesome. "Now. Close your eyes, and hold still."

Do you remember what it's like to taste something for the first time, perhaps as a child? I remember cherries. Dad was allergic so I was a bit older the first time I tried them, and I remember it. It was a sensation entirely its own, without precedent, and no matter how many times I've had them since, it was never like that first time. When it's something entirely foreign, entirely different, and you've nothing to compare it to. That was what it felt like when Sage grasped my wrists with her cool fingers, and her grip was tight, though not painful and a moment later the sensation of being burned before the pain begins. But the pain didn't come. Like she said. Not painful, but uncomfortable, and frightening. It barely lasted five seconds.

I opened my eyes, wide with surprise and anxiety. "Did it work?"

"Yes, it definitely did," she said, staggering away from me a step. The first time I ever saw her not in perfect control of her movements. Hank stepped forward but she held up a hand and put the other to her forehead. "I'm fine."

I looked at my hands. They felt so bizarre, electrified somehow. But different from electricity.

"What's wrong with her?" I asked anxiously.

"This is normal for her when she uses her powers," Dr. Grey said, her hand on Sage's shoulder.

"I can help. Tell me how." I said, stepping toward them.

"That's not wise--" the Professor began, wheeling forward.

"Actually. It will be fine." Sage straightened up, pale but alert. "Go ahead, Calamity."

"But... I don't know how."

Charles looked conflicted a moment but sighed, and felt his quick inspection of my mind, my emotional state. "I might make a suggestion." I looked to him expectantly. 

"You want to help her." I nodded. "Imagine as you take a breath, that desire funneling into your chest. Then, as you breathe out, breathe out on your hands."

Doubtful, I shook my head a little, but closed my eyes and took a slow, deep breath in, thinking of all that Sage has done for me and that I wanted to help her. I opened my eyes and breathed out onto my cupped hands like I was warming them on a cold day. They lit up, glowing as if from the warm, soft light of white Christmas lights. "Whoa." I expected the glow to disappear as I lost my train of thought, like before, but they didn't. I looked at Charles in amazement, and he actually smiled.

"I do have some small experience with this kind of thing," he said drily.

"It will all require less effort, and have more of an effect. You will need to be careful," Sage warned.

"How do I stop it?"

"Your own desire shapes your gift," Sage said, her voice faint. "It will stop when you desire it to."

"It seems too easy."

"Here is a lesson you must learn. There will never be a time you use your gift without a cost. There's always a cost." It was Dr. Grey who spoke unexpectedly. I looked at her, concerned. She gave me her Mona Lisa smile that only gently tugged at her lips and did not reach her eyes.

"It takes a strength of will. You must find it within yourself, as with anything in your life you desire to accomplish," Sage said in her typically brusque manner, not exactly comforting me.

"It's all right Calamity," Charles said reassuringly. "We won't let you harm her." But he was tense. I could see him gripping the arm of his wheelchair. At the thought, he looked at me wryly and relaxed slightly. "Go ahead."

Sage held out her hands, palm up, and after flexing my fingers, I put my hands on hers. There was a slight sensation as if someone were drawing their fingers down mine, but neither of us were moving. A pulling, suction, a drawing out of me. I felt a surge of pain, like a knife slicing across my fingers, but the glowing got stronger, and I felt a strange weakness. Sage grasped my hands, and in sudden fear the light flickering over my hands went dark. Sage pulled away, staring at me very hard.

She put her palms together and rested her chin on them, thinking. Charles wheeled closer, his eyes shifting between us. "Calamity, you closed the shield. Are you all right?"

"I think so, Professor." I examine my hands where I had felt the pain. It was a little red, maybe sensitive, but not painful. "I feel fine." I feel weird, too, though. I would come to understand this 'burnt-over' feeling that comes after; like a fire that burned itself out, the light gone but the heat still there, still dangerous.

"Sage? Sage, are you all right?" She looked strange too, an odd flush to her cheeks.

"Yes, I'm all right." She said. She stared down at me. "Thank you for helping me. You must... you need to be very careful, Calamity."

"Why?"

"Never do that for someone you do not trust entirely. Never for a stranger. Never for a mutant that you don't know their powers, understand?"

"Um..."

"Promise!" The word came out sharply. I was taken aback, and Charles and the others. We were all staring at her. She sighed angrily and whipped off her glasses, closing her eyes. "Say the phrase, if you please, Calamity."

"'Honey from a thorn,'" I said, allowing her, Charles, and Dr. Grey access but confused. She hated using her telepathy. She tilted her head back, her silky black hair falling away from her face and after a moment of pain crossing her face, I felt what she felt. She was sharing telepathically what it was like to be the recipient of my mutation.

It felt... good. Like... powerful. So strong. Every good thing about you, amplified. Of course there were tons of good things about Sage. Her brilliance, her abilities, all of them... Incredibly strong. I gasped at the feeling. I've never had a drug, but I imagine it's something like this-- a haze. A feeling outside yourself, but makes you feel stronger, better, less pain, less weakness.

I jerked away from her, shocked and afraid. I can do _that?_ Not only make her more powerful, but the pleasure, the rush, the _craving_ for more.

I feel Sage withdraws the feeling from my mind so fast it staggers me, like a slamming door. It feels like the sudden withdrawal of warmth, of light, of food when you're hungry. I looked at the others. They looked stunned and upset, gathering their composure. I saw the confusion, and almost hunger, like they'd had a breath of fresh air they didn't even know they were lacking.

Sage reached out and gripped my upper arm, almost painfully. "Promise," she hissed, on the verge of a snarl. _You see now. You felt now the danger that it will pose, any time you use it. You know now why he will always be searching for this until we stop him._

__

__

_Yes,_ but I was still confused. She seemed angrier than she should be. She breathed out quickly.

_You foolish girl, you have no idea how vulnerable you are. I am angry because I am afraid for you._ She released my arm. I rubbed at where she grasped me, afraid myself now. She turned to Charles and the others. She said nothing to them that I could hear; once again she must have been using her telepathic powers, which I know gave her pain. She turned to me.

"The shadow aspect," she said after watching me a moment. "You're going to have to try to summon it."

I swallowed, afraid. More afraid than I'd ever been, even in my worst moments with Dr. Minde, because I was only ever afraid for myself then. "How? What will I do with it? What if I--? I can't--" My heart sank in my chest, and I felt the weight on my shoulders. My hands shook.

Charles wheeled forward until he was by my side. He grasped my wrist and pulled me down to eye level. His piercing blue eyes were leveled at my plain brown ones.

"Calamity, I'm not going to let you do it wrong. I won't let it hurt anyone. This is why we are here. This is what we do. You have to trust me."

I swallowed hard-- swallowed my fear, my uncertainty, my hesitation. I was strong now, I can't back out. "Okay." I tried to sound casual, brave, but the word broke against my throat, and it sounded small and sad.

His brow furrowed but he nodded. "I will have to help you this time. Please." Hank pulled up one of the chairs that lined the wall and I sat across from the Professor. Hank put a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently.

Professor Xavier reached out slowly and put his fingers to my temple. I feel our minds entwine, instead of him just passively listening to my thoughts, but instead of feeling afraid, I feel calmer because of his presence. I expect him to guide my thoughts toward the feelings of anger toward Dr. Minde, the surest way I knew to feel that dark anger that triggered that part of my powers. But instead he turned my thoughts toward my parents. I wasn't expecting it and it brought a heavy twist of pain to my chest.

_What are you doing?_ I asked fretfully.

He was frowning, his blue eyes bearing into me as if he could see my soul, and indeed he basically could. I squirmed. _I don't want to think about them right now. Let's get this over with._

__

I'm afraid there can be no avoiding it, now, Calamity. We've both been putting it off-- your dealing with your grief. But you cannot safely deal with this side of your powers without confronting this.

__

_What, now?_

Instead of answering, Charles just guided me through memories of my parents. I saw my dad. I thought of how he never got to be parent me as a mutant, as the child that he and my mom always wanted. Though he didn't reject me, I realize in this moment, I blamed him and my mother for leaving me in Dr. Minde's hands. _They didn't stop him when he sent me away. They let me stay away. How could they?_ I felt a surge of grief and guilt and pain as I realized this, but Charles comforted me.

_It's all right, my dear,_ he said softly. _I don't blame you. Anyone might feel that. Feel it, and then feel the beginning of forgiveness._

_How?_

_By beginning to forgive yourself as well._

_What?_ I was confused-- my confusion pulled me out of the other emotions.

_You blame yourself for their deaths._

__

_No._ I feel a surge of shock and terrible anger, grief. I resented Charles powerfully for calling out this deep part of my soul that I had not even acknowledged. Why would I blame myself for their deaths? They were the grown ups! They should have known, they should have protected me, they should have protected themselves!

_Calamity..._

_No, it was_ his _fault! I don't blame myself! I blame him!_ Charles didn't attempt to argue with me; he didn't have to. We both knew he was right. He was right there in my mind, like a gaping wound bleeding me out that I hadn't felt the pain of. But now I _was_ aware of it, it was the worst pain I'd ever felt.

_Oh, God, oh God, it was my fault!_ I moaned in grief and guilt and shame. I felt a somehow familiar pull-- the shadow gathering, to the relief of my feelings somehow, as if it embodied it so I didn't have to feel it. My eyes were closed, but I knew it was gathering around Charles fingertips where they met his temple, I could feel it. I heard Charles take a sharp intake of breath, felt through our connected minds that Dr. Grey grasped his forearm to break his connection with me. Somehow he divided his mind, weakened as it was by the shadow, telling her to leave us be, because she released his arm. I was aware of it in a distant way, somewhat like smelling a fire on a shifting breeze.

I was far too occupied with the guilt and fear before me in my mind, looming so large and dark that I could feel and see little else. It seemed to me an embodied thing, a demon, black with red, bitter eyes shining hatefully, growling with a soul-shaking growl that filled me with terror. It changed shape, a dark clot in a dim room, now it looked like my mother (and nothing like her at the same time; she was light, she was sunshine) and then my father (yet not him). The anti-them. They looked at me, accusing, their skin gray ash and their red eyes accusing. It was a nightmare, but I was not sleeping. They were before me, vicious, blaming, hating me. It was them, but it was me, the Shadow of my mutation, ugly, harsh.

I shaking terribly; it takes a moment to recognize I'm sobbing, but tears won't come. I didn't understand it at the time, but the shadow aspect of my mutation precluded me from crying tears, so the relief of them did not come. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, it's all... It's all my fault!" 

My voice broke and shattered and the shadow around Charles's fingers like tar wrapped around his hand and moved up his arm. He could not break the bond now if he wanted to, but though he could not let go, I felt him become dim in my mind, weakened. Whether Sage and Dr. Grey had withdrawn or been shut out by Charles I could not say, but my mind was not a stable, safe place to be and I could not feel them or sense them in the room, only Charles, only the darkness and pain as if they were the only things that existed on the planet. Yet he did not move to withdraw, for all that. I felt him push back against the darkness. It was like a zip of physical pain where his fingers touched my temple and I winced.

_All right, then. You feel like it's your fault._ So feel it. _Then let it go, Calamity._

But I didn't want to feel it. It was like embracing a flame or drinking boiling water. I wanted to fight it. The twisting shadows of my mother and father leapt and grew and shrank and darkened and deepened in fluctuating undulation. I fought them, tried to contain them, shrink them. It only seemed to make it worse. I felt Charles getting weaker, his connection with me fading. I felt his pain; the shadow was now to his shoulder, and it hurt.

_Stop fighting! Feel it! Then let it go!_ He urged me. I could feel Dr. Grey, Sage, and Hank now; I could sense the Shadow crawling over them, a whisper of a touch, but growing stronger. I felt a stab of true panic. Only my fear of hurting them could overcome my fear of feeling my guilt, shame, and grief. I hesitated, sobbing, and instead of withdrawing, opened my arms and stepped into their clawing embrace.

And I felt it. By God, I felt it. It was the only thing I felt, and the only thing I would ever feel again, in some small measure at least. It swallowed me whole, and I swallowed it. It was inside me and outside me, suffusing me in every possible way. I was saturated, I drowned.

Did it hurt? Like hell.

Did I wish I were dead? Very much. Now I knew I would never be able to escape the pain of it again; it was a part of me. A wound that would not heal.

So, yeah. I felt it. I was lost to all other thought, all other sensation, I couldn't feel the Shadow or the Light or Charles or my parents or anyone. I was only a thing made for feeling and nothing else, so I felt it.

And then I let it go.

Like a bloody clenched fist around a knife, the letting go was perhaps even more painful. As tightly as I held it, it's strength and anger must end. It must always. The first easing I felt was barely perceptible, like when the first night stars succumb to daylight. I had lost Charles, I thought, long ago. How long ago, I couldn't say, because I didn't know how long I'd spent in the darkness. Forever, I think. Part of me is still there.

But I did feel him, you know. After a bit, when it was easing. And then I knew he'd been there the whole time, with me. That was weird, and heartbreaking. He hadn't let go in that whole time. I hadn't gone through it alone, though I didn't know it at the time. It hadn't saved me from any of the pain of it. But it still meant something to me, coming out on the other side of it.


	14. Chapter 14

I opened my eyes. They hurt, somehow, as if from a too-bright light, but it was not bright. It was dim. Everything was to me as if at twilight. My soul felt wrenched; wrung out. Intact but not uninjured. Despite that, I felt desolate.

I became aware of Charles in my mind again, soothing me, using the strength of his compassion to comfort me. It was a telepathic embrace, of sorts, where I felt his warmth and care, and it did help. It did. He must have been very tired, telepathically, but I did not close the shield and he did not leave. He said nothing, just did not leave me alone.

Dr. Grey knelt beside us both, searching first my face, then Charles's. I looked at her anxiously. "Did I hurt anyone?"

"We're all just fine," Hank replied, reassuringly. He glanced at Sage for confirmation.

"We are all uninjured. You gained control of the shadow aspect of your mutation in time, Calamity." She sounded calm, as always, but I felt a note of pride and respect in her voice. "Not many people are able to face their demons so easily."

"It didn't feel easy," I replied, my voice shaky. My heart was pounding. It was like the first few minutes after a nightmare when your mind is aware the danger is gone but your body is not. Anxiously I caught Professor Xavier's eyes, trying to see how badly he'd been affected by the shadow-- he'd certainly been in most contact with it. He returned my gaze calmly.

"What you've done, you've done well," he said softly, but I knew in that moment he was not unaffected. Though the shadow was gone, I saw his hand and his neck and face where it had touched him was paler than the rest of his skin. I reached out and touched his hand; it was ice cold.

"I'm sorry," I said through a lump in my throat. "Let me fix it!"

Sage stepped forward. "No, Calamity. You must not. Your mind, your body, it needs rest. Though you do not know it, you were more affected than any of us."

"I thought mutants were immune to their own powers," I challenged her, shaking my head.

"It wasn't your mutation that I was talking about." I shuddered, remembering the red eyes of my shadow parents. The embodiment of all my worst, darkest, most horrible thoughts and feelings.

Knowing better than to gainsay her, I hesitantly grasped the Professor's hand, warming it with my own. I thought of how he felt like a father to me, one I never really had or knew. I know he was hurt, I know he was tired, but all I could feel was his relief, for both our sakes. He returned the pressure of my hand. "Well done, child. You did better than I could have ever expected." He paused a long moment. "That was unpleasant."

"Yeah," I responded with a shaky laugh. I was still trembling and didn't dare stand up, though it was awkward with everyone standing around me. "Um... does this mean? Does it mean I can control my powers?"

"It means you are more likely to control your powers," Sage amended. "Calamity... I know you will be tempted, but as I have said, you should not use your gift lightly." She hesitated, then said firmly, "Do not use your shadow aspect unless you intend to harm someone. I know that goes without saying, Calamity, but I mean real harm. Permanent harm."

"If I can control it, can't I control how much harm I do? Other mutants have powers like mine, that could harm or destroy, but they use them without doing that."

"Some do. But some do not," Jean's soft voice interrupted. Her keen eyes were watching me closely. "Some think they can control it, but accidents happen." That warning would come to haunt me.

"Well, I don't plan on using it at all. I just... want to be able to protect myself and help my friends. My... my family," I stuttered on the words. "The people I have here are the only family I have now."

"Calamity, you are as a child who just learned to walk. Though you now have a much greater ability, you should not use your powers without more guidance and practice. There will come a time, I promise you when you will be in full control and you will be able to protect yourself and help others, as you say. But now is not the time to try and run."

"I get it." I slowly stood up. Before I could think, I felt the shield close, and Charles was gone from my mind. I swayed on my feet, but steadied myself and glanced at Sage. "I guess you're leaving now?"

"Yes, it's past time."

"Will there be danger, where you are going?" I saw her lips tighten. She nodded once. I stepped toward her. She still intimidated me; I was half afraid of her, sometimes. But she'd done more for me than maybe anyone. Hesitantly, I touched her arm. "Then... I just want to say thank you. Thank you, Sage."

Her eyes softened slightly, and she sighed and put her hand on my shoulder. "You're welcome, child. Do not repay my debt by being incautious."

"Okay." She smiled slightly and glanced at the others, Charles last of all. He nodded to her and she moved away, toward the door.

"Good-bye," she said, and I felt a stab of sadness. I knew it might be a long time before I would see her again, and I would miss her.

"Should I... go back to class?" I asked uncertainly. It felt strange, as if the whole world had changed, but in reality it was only me that had. The world kept on without even noticing. Class wasn't even over yet.

Dr. Grey put her hand on my shoulder. "Go and eat something, Calamity. See how you're feeling. The after-effects of what Sage does can be a bit unpredictable. Try not to overexert yourself today." I nodded and after a moment leaned towards her.

"Will you make sure he's all right? Please, Dr. Grey?" She turned and caught my eyes.

"I promise I will," she said with her Mona Lisa smile. I gave her a small smile of thanks.

Hank picked up my backpack and handed it to me. "You sure you're okay?"

For a moment my memory of my first encounter here, when he opened the door, filled my mind and emotions. He'd made me a sandwich and made me welcome and made me a safe place to call home. I wanted to just hug everyone, even prickly Sage and aloof Dr. Grey. They had stood by me through dark and dangerous times though they didn't have to, it was not required of them. I don't know if Hank saw that in my face or what but he smiled very gently. 

_They would have done it for anyone,_ a voice said unkindly in my head. _But they did it for me,_ I countered.

"You can come to any of us if you need to. Any of the teachers. We all... we understand."

"Thanks, Hank. Professor McCoy." I turned back to the Professor, oddly reluctant to go face the world without him supporting me, afraid of the things I'd felt and seen and now were a part of me. An injury that had yet to heal, that would take a long time to scar.

"I'm right here if you need me," he reassured, reading my mind without his powers.

"I know. Okay. Thanks. Um... see you later." They stayed behind and I walked up the stairs, heading for the kitchen. The hallways of the mansion were mostly empty, except for a few straggler students between classes or taking a break. I went to the kitchen, but I didn't think the strength I needed would come from food. But I also didn't know where else it could be found.

Bet was there. That was something. "Hey, Calamity!" She smiled then her brow furrowed. "Why aren't you in class?"

"Bet, the craziest thing just happened. You know Sage?" She nodded. "Well, she just helped me with my mutation... you know? And then the Professor and Dr. Grey and Hank and her... they were helping me. And I used my mutation."

Bet raised her eyebrows. "Well, for heaven sakes. How are you feeling, kid?" Her cornflower-blue eyes studied me. She leaned down, wiping her hands on her stained white apron, wisps of her blond hair falling forward. "You doing okay?"

"I think so. But Dr. Grey wanted me to come get something to eat before I went back to class."

"Well, that wouldn't hurt, I suppose. What'll it be?"

"I could make something," I offered.

"Let's see now. You let me. Okay?"

"Okay. Whatever you have on hand." She went over to the fridge and started pulling stuff out. I went and got a soda from the pantry and started to put ice in a glass. As I started to pour, everything just felt so weird. I set the can down and looked at my hands, remembering their new capabilities. It seemed like part of a weird dream. I touched the red marks across my fingers. The redness and pain had continued to fade, but it was still there, a little. Not a dream. Not a dream.

Bet sat next to me while I ate. "Bet, what was it like for you? At first?"

"Well for me... I didn't know there was anything different about me, when I was little. Aside from always being tall for my age, I suppose I had a pretty typical childhood."

"When did you know you were different?"

"I was twelve. I was playing UNO with my brother."

"UNO?"

"It's just a silly card game. You don't know it?"

"No."

"Hmm. Maybe we can play sometime, I could teach you."

"Is it like Sorry?" I asked doubtfully. Another game that Bet had insisted we play with her. Louise had gotten so angry when Elixer bumped her piece back to the start that she threw the piece in question across the room where it was currently still embedded in the drywall.

Bet laughed. "No, it's different but we might not invite Loise to play, she's a bit too, er, competitive. Anyway, I was playing it with my brother, he was fourteen then, and I won a few hands. And then I just kept winning and winning, until he was getting really mad, he thought I was cheating. But then he told my parents and they watched us and played too, and I didn't lose. So they started trying other games, dice and whatnot, and I didn't lose. That was the beginning of it."

"Were you afraid?"

"Nah, kid. Not then. I didn't see how anything could go wrong. I just thought it was a funny trick. My parents told me not to tell anyone and not to play games of chance, but I just thought it was because they didn't want me to upset other kids. It really was to keep anyone from knowing what I was, though."

"Did anyone find out?"

"No." She was quiet a long moment. "My brother didn't want anyone to know. He saw how mutant kids were bullied. It was hard, back then. Still is, I know."

"Then what?"

"I traveled after high school. It was dangerous, I knew, to use my gift, but most of the time I didn't even think about it. I was just lucky. I backpacked in Europe. I paid for it myself by gambling. I thought I was careful, too, but I was very naive and foolish." She paused and took a sip of water, and I could see old pain in her face. "There were bounty hunters then, you know. I wasn't as careful as I thought, and they tracked me. But someone figured I'd be more useful working for them than in return for the bounty, so they put me to work. If I didn't, they would have turned me in. In Europe there were the mutant camps, you know, and it was a scary, dangerous time. Mutants were more dangerous, too. Meaner. Anything gets mean you threaten it enough."

My heart thudded in my chest, imagining her going through that. "What did they make you do?"

"Oh, swindle tourists, mostly. It could have been worse. But anything you're forced to do is hard. I wanted to go home."

"How did you escape?"

"Well this one day I was playing cards and this one tourist, he's watching me. The Boss, he was really careful, so when this guy is eyeing me, he makes me go back in the kitchen. Getting sent to the kitchen was always my safe place, even then, I suppose. Anyway, this guy comes back the next day and he asks me if I'm in trouble and I tell him I'm trying to get home. He offers to take word home to my family, and I give him a letter. He leaves right after and I kind of thought I'd never hear from him again. But I'm lucky. Right? Real lucky. Because The Boss doesn't notice anything, and somehow this stranger makes good on his word."

"Bet," I say sadly, but I don't know what to say. She smiles and nods. I know she's glossing over some of the fear and loneliness she must have felt.

"My parents, they don't know what to do. But my brother, he tries to find help. He's not a mutant, you know, so he didn't know who to trust. I had told them the truth in my letter, that Boss would kill me before he let me go; I knew too much. A lot of things he was doing was illegal. He knew well enough that by using mutants like me, he'd made enemies in both camps. It takes my brother a lot of time, but he finds some people to help him."

"Saps?"

"No, mutants. The man who brought the letter to my family, he knew Charles, put my brother in contact with him. In the end, it wasn't that difficult for them. Charles Xavier just comes right in, using his telepathy to put it in the Boss' mind that he should let me go. Him and Scott Summers come in like they own the place, and I'm out in a few minutes. Like I said, I'm real lucky."

"Professor Xavier rescued you?"

"He did. Long time ago now. I went home and for a long time I didn't do one thing that involved luck. Then I came here. I just wanted to help him out. So I cook here. And sometimes I can help out, when a little luck can go a long way."

"What about your family?"

"I see them when I can. My brother grew up and became a powerful lawyer. He does some work for mutants, which puts him in danger but he doesn't pay any attention to it. He's in Washington," she told me with a note of pride. "Grant Gardner. I see him sometimes, but he's got better things to do."

I had a lot of questions for her. What did she do, how did she cope, when someone was using her for her mutation? I also wondered if she'd always been single. I can't imagine that there's never been anyone who loved her. She's an amazing woman. I knew there was more to her story.

"Thanks for the food, Bet," I said softly. I didn't want to pry. But I appreciated what she'd shared with me. "I feel better."

"Atta girl," she said, scooping up my dishes. "Go scoot. Class is almost over, anyway, you might as well rest today, kid. If I were you."

"Yeah, maybe you're right."

...

After that day, for the next few weeks, I practiced with Charles and Dr. Grey, mostly Dr. Grey. She had a more developed ability to help with emotions, and she helped me fine-tune my abilities. We practiced on plants. I found it somewhat amusing and ironic that I was doing something that I had seen my mother do a hundred thousand times, nurturing the plants, making them grow. I could almost kill them, but if there was any life left at all, I could bring them back. Jean remarked it strange that the light started in me and the shadow started in the subject. I don't know what it means, either. 

Charles spends time with me, too, trying to help me work through my issues. It's slow going, it's painful. But I'm beginning to think there's a little progress. Charles tells me he doesn't expect me to stop blaming myself or my parents for a while; that it's a daily decision, especially at first. "Someday you may feel that you've completely gotten over it and then the next day will be like the very first. The important part will be not to give in to those moments and feel hopeless. If you expect them, then you can feel it and let it go, as we've been practicing."

It's uncomfortable and hard work, thinking about the abuse. Sometimes the very hardest part is thinking that if I had behaved differently, it wouldn't have happened, or thinking that it was not really abuse and I was overacting and being stupid. It helped that Dr. Grey and the Professor were very supportive and validated my views, reminding me that I didn't deserve what happened to me, that it shouldn't have happened, that they will help prevent it from happening to me again.

Sometimes I even believe them.

I know that Dr. Minde is still actively trying to get to me; perhaps he's made a move already. There's a change in tension, and I can sense Jean and Xavier's worry when they are connected to my mind. At first, I don't ask about it. I'm a coward. I don't want to know. I would prefer to let them worry about him, for once. I have some questions... why aren't they able to find him and stop him? Where is he? Why doesn't Charles use his machine to find him? And really, the main question I have only he can answer. Why won't he just leave me alone? It's clear that he can do what he wants, he probably doesn't even need me anymore. After all this time, why can't he just let me be?

I don't ask anyone what they think. I don't anything. I just ignore it. Deny it. I just want to finish the semester.

So this is what happened. What changed.

A coward all my life, so far. At some point, I guess, with new power at my fingertips, and a flare of desire to stop being afraid, stop being at his mercy, stop being a victim, I made one attempt at bravery.

And it cost me everything.

It was because I asked the Professor about Sage. I know it was not the only task she was set on, but it's true that her main focus was working with the Mutant Task Force to find Dr. Minde and hold him accountable for his deception and the deaths of the mutants and humans that day. It was a long process, I understood that, it takes time and there are rules to follow and procedures when you're working with a government agency. Weeks had gone by and we still hadn't seen her back. Charles assured me that she was safe, and doing well. But I could read him. I knew him too well. A look passed over his face, and I knew that whatever she was up to, he felt fear for her.

It made me think. I thought how maybe I should be doing more than just standing idly by. I started to wonder if there was something that I could do to help find him, and then fight him. I decided to put a little crack in the shield. Only for a minute. Only to discover where he was. I'm not telepathic, sure, but he is. And I've allowed plenty of telepaths to access my mind, I know how it goes. I know how to close the shield in an instant. He won't even know I'm there. I know he's searching for me, so he must be trying to access my mind. As long as I say the phrase while he is looking, I will get a glimpse into his plans or at least where he is.

Is it dangerous? Yes, I know it is. But I honestly don't think he can hurt me now, with the shield and my powers.

I also know that if Professor Xavier found out, there's no way on earth he'd let me attempt it. He and Jean and Sage have not accessed his mind as per Sage's suggestion; perhaps that's why Charles doesn't use his machine, because he would have to telepathically connect. I don't know how it works. But they're telepaths, it's different for them. Sage said not to send anyone who is susceptible to telepathic attack, and thanks to her, I'm not, right? I can help. I can put an end to this.

I tell Louise my plan. She's skeptical at first, I can't blame her. But she's my friend. She understands. She wants to help me. So she goes along with it.

I go out on the grounds on a cool Saturday morning, with Louise grumbling loudly at being woken up so early. But the fewer people up, the better. He might be asleep, of course, but I'm kind of afraid anyway so maybe trying it at first where he isn't looking for me is a good idea. A safe bet.

It gives me a bright idea. I'll ask Bet to come along too. For luck.

Louise is chewing me out for coming all this way only to head back to the mansion. Bet is in the kitchen there at this time, as usual.

"Hey kids, what's going on?" she asks, looking at us keenly. She can sense something is up.

"Calamity is trying to live up to her name," Louise says, rolling her eyes.

"No, I'm not. Bet, do you have a minute? I was hoping you could come with me. I want to try something. It shouldn't take long." I'm hoping she won't ask too many questions, but this is not her first rodeo.

"What exactly are you up to this early?"  
I take a deep breath. "Professor Xavier told you about Dr. Minde." She nodded, suddenly serious. "Well, I was thinking. I know he's trying to access my mind. If I let him, for a few seconds, without him being ready for it, maybe I can see where he is. He's probably not even looking for me anymore after all this time. It's not likely to work."

"If he couldn't access your mind on the street, what makes you think he was powerful enough to suddenly find you here?" Louise asks with a yawn. "Doesn't he have to be in proximity, anyway?"

"He couldn't find me because his telepathy is based in the subconscious, not my actual thoughts. His barrier acted as a beacon, but it wasn't strong enough that he could find me when I kept moving. If I had stayed in any of the foster homes, he might have found me. Since I ran away, he never could. Now we're in the school and there's protection built-in, so he can't get to my subconscious and the barrier is gone. But he knows where I am." I feel certain about this. "He's waiting to make his move. If I don't find a way to help stop him, someone might get hurt. Sage says he has mutants helping him."

These were all things that we had supposed as we discussed what happened after I left Community. Some of it was conjecture, but it seemed pretty plausible to the Professor and Dr. Grey and I agreed with them. We knew we were missing part of the picture-- who the Caretakers were, for example, and Dr. Minde's ultimate plans. But to find that out, we would need to catch him. I knew I could help.

Bet frowned. "That's a terrible idea, Calamity. You're a child. There's people whose job it is to deal with people like Dr. Minde. You should be thinking about prom, not fighting Dr. Minde."

"Come on, Bet! What's the worst that could happen? He already knows where I am, Professor Xavier said that a long time ago! I don't know what Sage is up to, so I can't give it away. It can only help."

"No way, kid, there's way too much risk."

"I told you," Louise chimed in, taking a bite of an apple.

"But... Bet, listen. If you could have stopped Boss from hurting anyone, you'd do it. Right?" Bet looked at me angrily.

"I can't help you do something so foolish."

"I'll do it anyway," I declared. "But without your luck, it's more dangerous." I could see her sigh and took it as a sign she was weakening. "Please Bet? Please? I will be so careful. I can close the shield if anything happens. Louise can help if anything goes wrong, but it won't!"

She tapped the counter with her fingers. "If you're sure you can close the shield," she said reluctantly.

"Yes! I'm positive!"

"Why don't we get Elixir?" Louise whined. "If I have to be up, so should he."

"Mr. Bodyguard? No way. He'd go to the Professor, I promise. I knew you two wouldn't rat me out." Elixer was somewhat of a rule-follower. Not only would he not like the plan, but he'd try to stop it; it was in his protective nature.

Bet hung up her apron and glanced at the clock. "This shouldn't take long? I have to get going on breakfast."

"I doubt I'll even be able to make contact anyway," I said confidently. "It won't take long at all. Five minutes; see if I can make contact, get a clue to where he is, and close the barrier."

Simple.

At the far edge of campus, the beautifully maintained grounds tapered off into a small forest. Charles didn't own it, the state did, from what I understood. It was wild and desolate, undeveloped. I figured whatever precautions Sage had made for the school, they wouldn't apply that far from the grounds.

I gestured for Louise and Bet to stay on the grass. Just in case. I sat down on a log and closed my eyes. My heart was pounding out of my chest. Adrenaline was streaming through my body, making me shaky. I knew I should be afraid; I remembered all the damage he'd inflicted on me. But I was too excited about possibly doing something to help stop him, I didn't feel afraid. My first and last act of bravery.

"'Honey from a thorn,'" I whispered, picturing as clearly as I could Dr. Minde. I felt the give of the shield, but that was it. I couldn't sense him at all. Of course, I'd never tried to allow him access to my mind, I didn't know what it felt like when someone accessed my subconscious. He'd always hypnotized me, I remembered what that felt like. It felt like that moment before sleep, when you can still hear what's going on, but you don't move. Only your body is awake and it does what the hypnotist says. And whatever he told my body, it acted and felt without my control, it was simply his control. He had told my parents that you can't hypnotize someone to do something they wouldn't normally do, and that might be true for human hypnotist, but certainly Dr. Minde made me feel things I never--

I gasped in fear. I felt him. He was there. It was like seeing a shadow but not the thing that cast it, but he was in my mind. I felt panic begin to swell within me. This was a terrible idea, it was stupid of me to think of allowing him anywhere near my mind, even if I could close the shield. I started to slam it shut but at the last moment, I tried. I tried to see what was hidden. I wanted to know where he was. But he wasn't in my mind, the way Charles was. I couldn't see into his thoughts, only his subconscious. It was a terrifying place, it filled me with fear. It was that moment of hesitation, I thought later. I could have stopped him, but it was too late. I tried again to close the shield.

And this time I couldn't. In disbelief, I tried again. I had only to think of it closing, and it closed, any other time I'd tried. But it wouldn't. I still felt him.

I stood up and ran back to the grass, hoping whatever protection the school offered it would extend to me now and save me. "Calamity, Calamity, are you all right?" Bet said anxiously.

"N-no, I can't close the shield, and he's in there," I stuttered, grabbing my head with one hand and grasping Louise's strong arm with the other. "H-help," I gasped.

Louise reached for me to pick me up, to run me back to the school, but suddenly, without my volition, I pushed her away as hard as I could. She was herself and she wasn't, in my mind; it was two things at once, Louise and a danger, a safety and a threat.

Louise is strong, but she wasn't expecting my shove and she stumbled back. I bolted toward the forest. "Help me!" I cried, running away, terrified of them to the point I had little control over my reaction to them; it was visereal, it was instinctual, the way a rabbit cowers from a shadow before it sees the hawk.

Louise and Bet ran after me but Bet grabbed her arm. "Get back to the school!" she shouted. "Get some help! I'll follow her!" Looking over my shoulder I had one glimpse of Louise's anguished face as she stopped and ran back toward the school.

Bet was doing her best to keep up and I was doing my best to slow down. I threw myself on the ground. I was running pretty fast and felt pain shoot through my body as it slammed into the ground. Bet was there in an instant, grabbing my wrists to help me up. "Calamity--"

I was fighting her and trying not to fight her. It was as if my every instinct were telling me to run, from a fire or a tiger or certain death. He'd turned up my subsconscious reation to a perceived threat to a hundred, to a thousand, and I knew it but I could do nothing about it. I was trying to close the shield, trying to fight his control. He was stronger than I knew. He had powers I didn't understand. In the time we'd been apart, he'd learned some new tricks, it would seem.

"Bet, no, stop I don't want to hurt you!" I cried, tears streaming down my face. I thought in that moment that if I could use the light aspect of my gift on her, it might make her lucky enough to get us out of this somehow. But I couldn't concentrate, not with how afraid I was, and I was fighting my body, fighting him in my mind. The ease and power I'd gained over the past month were nothing, an illusion. I couldn't help myself, or protect myself or those I cared about, I was a fool.

Minutes passed as we struggled. We were so far from the school, it was at least a fifteen-minute walk to the edge of the grounds. Louise was running, she'd be fast, but they'd have to get back out here, plus everyone was asleep. I was so stupid.

Bet was strong but I was stronger with my fear, even fighting it. She was on top of me, trying to overcome my strength with her larger size. She held down my wrists and almost had me subdued.

In a burst of strength, I twisted out from under her, heaving her off my body. We were both bruised and scratched and winded. I stood there, leaned over, slowly backing away. She tried to grab me and I was running again, with her right behind me. The further we went into the forest, the harder it would be for them to find us.

"Bet, I'm sorry!" I screamed to her. "Go back to the school! I don't want to hurt you!"

"It's okay, Calamity, I'm not leaving you," she shouted back, breathlessly. "I'll stay with you. I don't want to hurt you either!"

"Break my legs, Bet, just don't let him get me," I begged. Her longer legs gave her the advantage, but I was quicker. She couldn't catch me. I looked at her, so afraid, and saw her fear as well. We'd been running for what felt like forever and I couldn't see the grounds or any sign of Louise. It felt like only minutes had passed, but running at top speed through a dense forest put us far from help of any kind, and in truth much more time had passed. What I could sense, what I could feel, is that Dr. Minde was much closer than any of us had anticipated. When I heard the sound of someone running, I knew it was him.

I tried to run, falling several times, Bet grasping my wrist twice but I twisted away both times. Finally, they caught up to us; it was Cyprus. Even with Dr. Minde's control, I screamed and slid to a halt, trying to scramble away from him. But with Dr. Minde telling my body to run toward him, I was on the ground, trying to get up and run and it felt like a nightmare when you're trying to run away but you can't. I can't. I scream and Bet grabs my wrists again, picks me up bodily and tries to carry me away.

We both fell to the ground, and she held my arms down and wrapped her legs around me so I can't get up or run or fight her anymore.

Three other people that I don't recognize spread out around Cyprus, surrounding us. "What do I do with the bird, boss?" Cyprus says. I feel Dr. Minde's grip on my mind like a vice, not letting me move. But I can feel Bet's arms around me, holding me so tightly I can barely breathe, but not tight enough.

"For heaven's sake she's scared to death, just leave her, don't hurt her! We're only here for Star. Star, it's me! Me, Robert Minde! I've been searching for you for so long, I knew they were holding you there--" Dr. Minde appeared, just catching up to the others, out of breath, disheveled as if he'd dressed in a hurry. I'd built him up so much in my mind to be a monster, scary, menacing, but he looked like a young grandfather who was interrupted during a nap. "I don't know how you escaped, but I'm here now! I felt you contact me, and I've been in a hotel nearby since Cyprus last saw you, hoping you--" he broke off, looking down at us.

Bet's arms tightened around me even more, if possible, her nails digging into me she was clutching me so tightly, it hurt. I could feel her heart pounding.

"Whatever you're doing to her, please let her go," Bet said, her voice shaking. Dr. Minde glanced at my face and I was crying with tears streaming out of my eyes, so terrified I wanted to die rather than face this. So much for bravery.

"Let Star go," Dr. Minde said quietly to Bet, "and I won't hurt you. I just want to help the girl. I've taken care of her since she was little. I'm just trying to help her," he said soothingly, stepping forward. Bet pulled me back, away from him.

Dr. Minde sighed. "Very well."

"Don't hurt her!" I said in a muffled scream as he reached his hand toward her face.

He looked puzzled. "I'm not here to hurt anyone, child. I'm just going to make her let you go, she'll be fine--" Bet drew as far away from his touch as she could, but she couldn't get away while she was holding me and he touched her temple. I felt her go limp and fall to the ground behind me at the same time I felt Dr. Minde release my paralysis. I turned, grasping Bet's hand, but she was completely unconscious.

"Bet," I choked, shaking her, putting her hand to my face, streaked with tears that I could not control. "Please, just... let her wake up. I'll do whatever you want." I cradle her face in my hands, remembering all the kindness she'd shown me, the love, and this is what it got her.

"I'm sorry, Star, I really am," he said patiently. "But she's fine, I promise. I can't have her trying to follow us to tell people which way we went. It pleases me that you met a few nice people in that horrible place," he said, sounding more cheerful.

"It's not a horrible place!" I cried, twisting to face him. "They kept me safe from you!"

"Now, now I know that's what you must think! But Xavier has tricked you, Star! Why would I ever hurt you?"

I was so angry. He was so oblivious to the hurt and damage he'd done me. It was like he expected me to be grateful for all the times he hadn't harmed me, so grateful I'd forget about the rest. Or maybe he didn't realize that I remembered it all. I felt fury gathering within in me, and a strong desire to see him suffer the same pain he'd inflicted on me. He was watching me and his face became uncertain as he watched my eyes cloud with fury.

I saw the shadow start to gather on his hand, where he'd touched Louise. He felt it too, and glanced at it, shaking his hand as if to flick it off. The other hand too, then, snaking up his arms toward his neck and down his chest. I'd never done this to a person before, at least not on purpose, I'd only practiced on plants. I stood up and walked toward him, while his mutant followers watched, unsure of what to do.

"Solace!" Dr. Minde croaked. One of the mutants, a tall man with longish brown hair and dark brown eyes stepped forward. "Solace, calm her down!"

The man lifted his hand and blasted me with a lavender light that knocked me off my feet. The blast felt like the heat of a blazing oven, and just as quickly gone. Confused I sat up, my emotions zapped and numb. Dr. Minde opens and closes his fingers a moment, testing them out, and I can see the shadow is gone. I looked to Bet, and my heart dropped. The shadow wasn't gone. It was creeping over Bet, like vines growing slowly over her slender fingers and then her wrists, entwining, growing. I hadn't known it could do that, I didn't know--

"Oh my God," I prayed, "What did you do?" I whimpered, crawling over to her. I tried to summon the light, but I felt nothing. The anger was gone, the fear was gone, everything. "What did you do?"

"Solace can manipulate emotions. I find it very useful. What is that shadow, anyway?"

"Please, tell Solace to give me my emotions back so I can help her! It's hurting her!" I begged, knowing every word that came out of my mouth was giving him weapons to harm me with. I was crippling myself, making myself defenseless. But I had to save Bet.

"Well, I could tell as much when you tried to attack me with it!" He shook his head. "I'm sorry, Star, but until you can know the truth and not try to harm me, I can't let you use your powers. You have no idea how long I had to search to find someone like Solace and convince him to help me."

"I... I won't attack you, I promise, please... please let me help her, I'm begging you!" I pleaded. Bet was already getting cold where the shadow was touching her, up her arms and on her neck.

"There's no time anyway, it's really not my fault. I assume Xavier's people will be here any minute and I'm not eager to meet them. I'm sure they'll take good care of her. Let's go," he commanded, gesturing to the others. I grabbed onto Bet, but Cyprus picked me up. I fought him, refusing to let go, kicking, screaming, until Dr. Minde reached up and touched my forehead, a gesture as familiar to me as my own face in a mirror and I knew what would happen a moment before it did-- the darkness of unconsciousness rose before me and I knew nothing but blackness.


	15. Chapter 15

Waking up doesn't come slowly, but all at once, as if all my fears and anxieties were waiting to pounce on me. I sit up, breathing hard, and catch out of the corner of my eye that I'm not alone-- Dr. Minde is sitting behind a desk, but taking off his glasses and standing, walking toward me, worry and concern etched in his features. Again, a sad, sick familiarity, but this time I know it's not real, it's a mask, but in a twisted and gross moment, I want to let him take care of me and make me feel better.

I stare at him in an utter stupor, horrified at him but just as much at myself. I wait for some tell to give him away, a triumphant look of cruelty, but again the monster from my memories doesn't appear. He's not even wearing doctor's clothing. He's wearing slacks and a button-down shirt. His hazel eyes are a shade of a strange golden brown, looking at me with utter concern. His dark, slightly curly hair was streaked with iron silver, more than I remembered. We've both changed. Or maybe I never remembered him right.

"Star, it's all right," he tells me calmly, as if I'm waking up from a nightmare instead of waking up and finding myself in one. "You're safe."

I throw the blanket off my legs and swing my legs off the bed, sitting up, in case... in case I wanted to run, but there's nowhere to go. Every muscle in my body hurts-- I don't know if I can even stand up, let alone run, but given the opportunity, I'd take it in a heartbeat. I take the room in quickly, looking for an escape. I'm in a large room, a library, but there are no windows. It's a clean room, tidy, but it had a slightly cold, musty feeling like somewhere closed in all the time, like a dungeon, like we were underground. There's a large desk where he'd been sitting and two chairs that pulled up to it. A small coffee table with plush leather chairs and a couch around it, hardwood floors with pretty rugs, a built-in bench with pillows-- Solace was standing by it, a book near his hand. My bed is pushed up against some custom made, built-in bookshelves. My bed was clearly out of place, obviously brought here from elsewhere. 

My heart caught in my throat. I couldn't believe it, but _my bed_ , and on a small trunk at the end of it, it was stuff from my house. Things I hadn't seen in months... close to a year now. My clothes, folded neatly, my pillow, my blanket. My head spun. Even the string of lights I hung above my bed at home, strung across the shelf above my head.

"What is this?" I ask shakily.

"It's... it's your room. Don't you like it? I wanted to make it as homey as possible," Dr. Minde said, a note of uncertainty in his voice. But I wasn't fooled. I remembered when those hazel eyes, watching me now with concern, watched me just as easily when he filled my mind with lies that made me afraid, made me sad, made me scream. I started to shake, and I stood up to back away from him.

Solace raised his hand and blasted me. It felt like a powerful gust of wind but hot, very hot, this time not so powerful it knocked me down, but it did stagger me. Aside from the brief discomfort of extreme heat, it didn't hurt, and then my emotions were numb. Solace walked toward me quickly and grabbed my elbow, helping me up.

"Sorry about that," he said apologetically. I jerked my arm out of his grasp and moved away from him as well; I was in the corner. I glanced at Solace. He was probably in his mid-twenties, not bad looking, but I gave him a frown of disgust.

"Star, it's... it's okay. Come on. Look. There's food, are you hungry?": Dr. Minde said coaxingly, as if I were a feral cat. Let's sit down and eat and get reacquainted."

I squeeze my eyes shut and put my fingers to my temples, "'Honey from a thorn,'" I whisper, too quietly for them to hear, I hope. I concentrate on Charles, on Jean, and Sage. Nothing.

Dr. Minde looked at Solace uncertainly. "Come on, Star. Over here."

"I want to leave," I tell him. "O-open the door." There's the bathroom door, a closet, and a large, heavy, ornate wooden door.

"I can't do that yet. Star, I think Professor Xavier has misled you. I want to sit down and talk with you. Remember, I use to take care of you? When you were little?"

"I remember everything," I said, but voice quiet but clear in the silence of the room.

"I'm sure you have questions but if you can just tell me what it is that Xavier did to you so I can fix it, then I'm sure we can clear things up nicely." He held his hands up like I was a wild animal.

"Ch-Charles didn't... he didn't do anything to me."

"Maybe you don't know it, but he did something to your mind. I can't access it. I've been trying for so long to find you, Star, you have to believe me! I never would have left you alone without help if I had been able to find you."

"He didn't do anything! Sage... she removed... there's a shield now so you can never hurt me again!" I sputtered at him. Distantly, I felt terror and anger, but whatever Solace did, it made the emotions remote, as if I were remembering feeling them instead of feeling them.

"I would _never_ hurt you," Dr. Minde said soothingly. "You're like a niece to me, Star, like a daughter."

"You--" I shook my head, too incredulous to speak for a moment. "I told you. I remember. I know what you did to me."

Dr. Minde didn't speak for a long moment. "I'm very sorry if you remembered anything that gives you pain, Star. But I was trying to help you! I did the best I could, I didn't know any other way to do it. None of it was real; that means something, surely? I was going to destroy the memories, you know. If I could just access your mind again, I could destroy the memories once and for all and they would no longer bother you in the slightest! There's a very good chance that things didn't happen the way you remember. The mind is funny like that. Why would I lie?"

He had stepped toward me and I turned away from him, cowering. I told you, I'm such a coward. I was 93% chicken. I knew what Sage would do, what Emma or even Louise would do. They wouldn't just cower in front of him. "You nearly killed me last time you tried to help me. Just stay away."

"What do you mean?"

"The... the barrier, the tracking... that thing you put in my brain to keep the memories-- it was toxic. It made me sick. Professor Xavier and Dr. Grey and Sage, they had to help me." I tucked my hands under my arms, protectively. I was feeling bolder as he made no threatening movements. "It was poison!"

"Oh. Well." His brow furrowed. "Yes, I can see... I never intended that. If only you hadn't run away, I could have removed it much sooner! I had to do it so quickly. It was not my fault, obviously not what either of us wanted, but I didn't know... I had to be able to find you! That woman took you away! And then it was difficult to find you, although I tried very hard indeed. It's not my fault, Star."

"What about my parents?" I whispered, closing my eyes briefly.

"What about them?"

"You lied to me about them. You... you made me think they hated me. You lied to them about my mutation." Dr. Minde glanced at Solace, then back at me. "You manipulated Mannik and the Mutant Task Force, you told me my mother was alive when she wasn't. You got them killed!" Despite how numb I felt, tears squeezed from the corners of my eyes.

"You've got it all wrong," Dr. Minde said, shaking his head, but he wasn't meeting my eyes. "I've been trying to help you, your whole life! I've nurtured you and protected you! I helped foster your gifts; me! I'm sorry about your parents, Star, but that was not my fault! I had nothing to do with it! I don't know what Charles told you, but he's wrong. If I could just hypnotize you once, I could make you see!"

"Stay away from me," I whispered. He looked at me uncertainly again and backed away. I felt fairly certain he would not be able to hypnotize me now that the barrier was closed, but I was not eager to test the hypothesis. I had proven more suceptible to him than I'd imagined; unable to close the barrier when I wanted him out of my mind. I wondered if Sage had gotten it wrong after all.

"I can see that you need some time to... adjust, and think things over. But I am not your enemy, Star." I didn't correct him on my name, though I was tempted. When he called me Star I felt like that helpless kid trapped in a room, screaming as I watched my Dad do terrible things, as I watched beloved pets I never really ever had die, as--"

I felt the near-burn of Solace's light again; I suppose it was fairly obvious to him when I was getting escalated in my emotions but I felt sure it was part of his mutant abilities to sense it because it seemed to me he caught me just before I had the strength to summon the Shadow. I clutched the bedpost so I didn't fall, and all my terror and rage dissipated like fog in bright sunshine. It was almost a relief, except I needed it, I needed it to be able to escape.

Dr. Minde frowned at me. "I had hoped things would go differently. I thought you might... I see that Charles Xavier has misled you about me. You've got to believe me."

"Charles Xavier will come for me. I don't want to stay here. I want to go back."

"I don't know, Star," he said gently. "You do have a history of running away, you know. And unfortunately, you hurt that woman in the forest. Perhaps Charles wasn't as good a friend to you as you imagined. I'm telling you now that he lied to you about me, I never wanted to hurt you. He kept you from me, when I would have removed the barrier without it causing you any distress. But given your troubling behavior, it might be true that he doesn't even want you back! Whereas i will _always_ be here for you, Star." A tremor went through my soul, remembering Bet lying there, too still. "I wouldn't count on them coming. Let me try and help you!"

I turned my face away, and he walked over to Solace. "Solace will be watching over you."

"You mean guarding me. So I don't escape."

"It's very much for your own safety, you know! As soon as I can be sure that you are aware of the truth of things, and reverse whatever they did to you, you can be sure you would be allowed to leave. But I feel sure you won't want to! You're back home now, Star, you wouldn't want to leave, now, would you?" I squeeze my eyes closed again, wishing I was anywhere else.

"Solace, be certain that she stays very calm. Fear and anger must be avoided, and other strong negative emotions. Yes. Well. I have other matters to attend to, I will come back later so we can, we can chat then. Very good." He tapped on the door, and I heard two or three locks open before the heavy door swung open. I caught a glimpse of Cyprus, who glanced at me but did not appear too interested. The door closed heavily.

I wanted to cry but I couldn't. It felt as if my emotions were stuffed under a thick layer of wool and cotton; I couldn't touch them or hear them. I sat on the couch and covered my eyes, pressing them tightly with my fingers. I thought of Bet, my hands shaking. _Please, God,_ I prayed, _let her be all right. Please. Please. I would live here the rest of my life and suffer if it means that she's all right._ I was uncertain what, exactly, happened to those who encountered the Shadow for prolonged periods. Maybe they were all right, but the plants had all died. Of course, I was able to reverse the effect on most of the plants, if there was any life left in the roots, but I wasn't there to help Bet. All I could do was pray and hope that she'd been found in time to get whatever help was available.

Why had I been so foolish? So reckless? Sage's words came back to me, _Don't use your shadow aspect unless you intend to harm someone... real harm. Permanent harm._ I felt sick to my stomach, but emotionally I just felt the numbness.

I decided to ignore Solace. I stood up, lightheaded, and went toward the bathroom. "I can sense your emotions and numb them even with the door closed," he called to me. I didn't respond, just closed the door quietly.

I looked around the bathroom. It was small, just a sink and toilet. No vents, no tiled ceiling, nothing like in the movies where people found ways out. I washed my face and hands. "'Honey from a thorn,'" I tried. Nothing. Again. Nothing. Again. Nothing. I sat on the floor and buried my face against my knees. This was all my fault. Oh, God, I prayed, it's just like my parents.

I guess Dr. Minde didn't tell Solace to care about shame and guilt because he didn't stop it as the waves of it hit me so hard, I thought I might drown.

...

 

The day stretched interminably. Without windows, and no clock in the room, I had no idea how much time was passing. I had no idea how long I had been unconscious. My anxiety was a low-key buzz that I tried to keep under control; I didn't want Solace to numb me again. I paced a bit, I tried to read. But even muffled, my grief and fear kept me from relaxing. I sat down and bit my thumb nail.

"So..." Solace cleared his throat. "So what's your mutation like?" I stared at him incredulously.

"What, we're going to have a chat about mutations when you're holding me prisoner?"

"It's not like that! We're... Dr. Minde is just protecting you. I'm helping him." He had the grace to look uncomfortable at my incredulous look.

"Thanks a lot," I said sarcastically. "But you're not protecting me. Dr. Minde abused me for months."

"I'm sure you've got it wrong," Solace said softly. I didn't want to argue with him. It was pointless in any case, but I was sure he'd tell Dr. Minde anything I said and I felt some degree of confidence that Dr. Minde had manipulated his mind. Probably lied to him. To get him to work for him.

I felt a snake of doubt go up my spine. What if I was wrong? What if Dr. Minde was telling the truth... that he just wanted to help me? What if Professor Xavier did have it wrong... or what if he lied to me? Could he have? But Jean and Sage, they would never have... But if Dr. Minde could use me for my powers, what if they wanted to as well? No, they wouldn't do that. They didn't need me. But what if he was right when he said they wouldn't come for me? I felt panic squeeze my chest like a vise. I couldn't stay here. Whatever his intentions were, I had to get away from Dr. Minde.

"What about you?" I asked, trying to keep my voice from trembling. "How does yours work?"

"Oh, it's not really much. I'm an empath... I can sense others emotions, even when they're hiding them. And I can make them feel those emotions more, or less."

"What about Dr. Minde? What's he feeling?"

"Oh, I don't--" he cut off, uncomfortable. "He... he feels concerned about you, of course."

"That's not all he feels, is it, Solace?"

He shakes his head, like trying to get rid of an unpleasant thought. "He's been nothing but kind. Like I said, you've got it wrong."

"Maybe he's just making a chump out of you, like he did me." I looked away and Solace picked up his book.

I pulled my hands in my sleeves and tucked my hands under my arms. Time passed at a snail's pace, from what I could tell. I laid down on the bed, trying to think without feeling, trying to come up with some sort of plan, occasionally whispering to myself, "'Honey from a thorn,'" but no one was ever there. What if they weren't looking for me? Not that they couldn't hear me, but they wouldn't?

Dr. Minde came in again. "Hello, Star. Will you eat?"

"No."

"Ah. Yes. Psychology. You feel like you are gaining some control by not eating. All you will do is make yourself hungry and weak, Star!"

"Or maybe I'm just not hungry," I reply, turning away. In truth, I might have felt hungry, but I was sick with anxiety I couldn't even properly feel.

Dr. Minde shrugged. "Very well, my dear. Whenever you want to eat, just tell us and I will give you anything you could wish."

"That woman you left dying in the woods, she used to cook for me. Can you get me some of her food?"

"When I left her, she was sleeping peacefully. What else happened to her, I had nothing to do with," Dr. Minde responded softly, and my guts twisted tightly.

"Star, my girl. Please. Just tell me what they did, so I can fix it," he said. "I can show you! I will prove to you that I'm innocent!" I felt bile rise in my throat. I don't know what I expected a confrontation with him to feel like. I thought I would feel angry, for one, but that was taken from me. I thought he would be angry, too, or cruel, or hateful, or laugh in my face when I told him of my pain. I thought he would maybe try to justify it. But all it felt like was he was patting me on my shoulder like I was a child throwing a tantrum and he felt sorry for me. He slid out from under my blame and anger and didn't think he was responsible for any of it. He was like an eel. Why was it somehow harder than if he were cruel? I think it would have at least been honest.

Dr. Minde left again when it was clear I wasn't about to cooperate.

My captivity was interminably boring. Whenever I started to feel anything besides bored or tired, it was a negative emotion and that first day, I think Solace must have numbed me ten times. I noticed without interest that not feeling emotions made me tired, sluggish. 

I slept on and off, not fighting the tiredness that pulled at me after he numbed me several times. Sleeping made time warp and bend as well-- when I would wake up, I couldn't tell if hours or minutes had passed. Cyprus would give Solace a break, sometimes, but he utterly ignored me and I just laid in bed, facing the wall. I found it difficult to even feel afraid of him.

Obviously, even if the Professor was looking for me, it was not going to be a quick rescue. I needed a plan. My only option, as far as I could see, was to control my emotions so Solace wouldn't numb me, and then feel enough anger and hatred to incapacitate my captors. Unfortunately it would be tricky leaving even if they didn't have me guarded. The heavy doors opened inward and were carefully locked. There wasn't any obvious tools I could use to break the door open. But first things first, Solace was my biggest worry because he was preventing me from defending myself.

I couldn't really muster enought motivation to really inevest in making plans to escape. As time went on, hours stretching interminably, I felt less and less of anything even after Solace no longer needed to use his powers against me. Turns out despair is the great numbing agent of all time. Greater than hatred and fear and anxiety and grief-- giving up hope was bigger than any of those.

Don't judge me for giving up so easily. Some of it was Solace, that's clear, but... it just seemed too hard to keep fighting. Keep remembering. Keep feeling against the gray blanket of sludge, why bother?

Time passed and despite repeated entreaty by Dr. Minde, I ate little and pretended to sleep or actually slept most of the time, so depressed I could barely function. I am a coward. I abandoned myself to the numbness. Not much of a fighter, after all. I gave up without so much as a whimper. Dr. Minde, Cyprus, and Solace cycled through staying with me at all times, though after a while they would leave me alone for short periods. Dr. Minde was consistently solicitous, kind, and gentle. 

I think several days had passed before Solace approached me.

I sensed him approach the bed, but not too close, just standing there. I couldn't even care about that. After a few minutes of silence, he spoke, hesitation in his voice. "I could... I could try and help you. Feel better, I mean. If you could... think of a pleasant memory, I could amplify--"

"I can't think of any," I told him after a moment of silence. He shuffled his feet and stood there a few more moments then went and sat back down.

I had no way of knowing if it was day or night, or how long had passed since I first got here. It felt like a few days, judging on the greasiness of my unwashed hair. I do give in a like and eat a bit, occasionally drinking one of the water bottles in a stack by my bed. But I'm not hungry. Even on the street when there was little food, I ate more than this. I couldn't. Food tasted like ashes in my mouth.

I hadn't put on any of my old clothes, or even touched them. I hadn't tried to contact Charles and the others in a while; it just seemed so pointless. It killed me, it broke my heart, and I couldn't help but feel like they had abandoned me, and I didn't really even blame them. There was a small part of me, a tickle in my brain, that thought I should just give up and do whatever Dr. Minde wanted. 

Maybe he wasn't the villain I had imagined.

The idea, small as it was, filled me with revulsion and horror and shook me out of my stupor and I sat up in bed. Whatever his motivations were, there was no doubt that he had contributed to my parent's death and damaged me, maybe beyond repair. I needed to escape. And if Charles and the others really didn't want me... it was only what I had expected from the beginning. I could go back on the streets, it wasn't as bad as all that, really.

There was no cowards way out, though. I knew I would have to confront Dr. Minde, use him the way he used me... to trigger my shadow aspect and get out of there. And I was afraid. I didn't want to do it. Sleeping would be much easier.

I went into the bathroom and washed my face, trying to energize myself. I didn't like what I saw in the mirror. I bowed my head, feeling my chest constrict with unshed tears. "'Honey from a thorn.'" I thought only of Charles. I needed his compassion and encouragement for what I was about to do. But there was nothing. I'd never felt so bleak in all my life, even after I learned my parents were dead. I wasn't alone then, and I was now.

I sat in one of the leather chairs by the table, curled up like a cat, my stomach twisting with anxiety. The chair wasn't as comfortable as the one in Professor Xavier's office, and I would give anything to be there again, safe and with people I trusted. Solace looked up from his notebook a couple of times, but apparently I wasn't a worry. All my emotions seemed smothered and subdued; it was true in that moment I didn't think I could pull anything off. Anxiety wouldn't be enough.

Time stretched on, yawning like a chasm. Now that I wanted to talk to Dr. Minde, it seemed like he would never come. Before I had just prayed he would leave me alone.

FInally he arrived, looking a bit distracted. "Star, I came to check on you. Is there anything you need? Anything I can do?"

"Dr. Minde, I'd like to talk to you," I said sitting up, trying to keep my voice from trembling. He looked surprised, then gratified.

"Of course! Yes, of course, will you eat something? You really should."

"Maybe in a while." He came around and sat across from me, and Solace hovered nearby. I gave him a pointed look and he watched me, a look of concern flitting across his face, but he went over to the bench and picked up his book, pretending to ignore us.

"Dr. Minde... I've been thinking about what you said. About how you've been trying to help me. You wanted to prove that to me."

"Yes! Yes, just tell me how they are keeping me out."

"You don't need access to my mind to convince me, Dr. Minde." My teeth were chattering. Was I cold? No, it was just nerves. "I can promise you, I will never let you in my mind again. If you ever wanted to do me good, and if it's still true, then please... let me go. I won't help you."

Dr. Minde stared hard at me. "Are you trying to tell me that you have control over who accesses your mind? You're not telepathic!"

"I'm n-not telepathic, but I can keep telepathic powers away. You... can't h-hurt me again," I stuttered.

Dr. Minde glanced at Solace. "Why is she so afraid? I thought you numbed her?"

"I did, but if I keep numbing her it could affect her emotions, permanently. And therefore her powers, sir."

He hesitated. "If her emotions get much stronger, pull the trigger. It's her or us. Star, try to control your emotions," he said, looking down at me. He sighed and knelt down, putting a gentle hand over mine. "It will be best for all of us if you cooperate. If you do as I ask, I have no reason to keep you here! And no reason to access your mind. There are so many people I wish to help, but I can't until you help me! We can consider letting you go if you do."

"I will never," I said, shaking, but I looked him right in the eye.

His face tightened. He was not a man use to resistance; he always got his way in the end. It was the first time I saw him begin to get angry, and yes, I was afraid. He stood again, towering over me, frowning in disapproval.

"This whole time, I thought you were a-a victim of Charles Xavier. But really you've been in league with them against me!" He was losing his temper. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Solace fidget, but he did not intervene. "You're wrong about something, Star. That protection you are so proud of, it doesn't entirely protect you; you know that, don't you? It's why he can manipulate your emotions. The limbic system, you probably have heard of it, have you? In Xavier's school? It's basic anatomy. That, and the cortex, he doesn't seem to have bothered about that."

He held up his hand in front of my face and then slowly closed his hand into a fist. I felt my body go rigid. "There, you see? You said I can't hurt you Star, but I can. I don't want to, but I can. I want your cooperation, my girl. You see that I could have hurt you this entire time and I haven't? Hmm? Doesn't that count for something, or are you that ungrateful, that foolish and stupid? No of course not! Think! Use your brain. You and I together, we would be unstoppable. Your parents would have wanted you to help me, Star. Their death was a tragedy, but it doesn't have to be in vain. We can use our powers against the very people who killed them! Saps afraid of their own shadows. And we can stop them without ever hurting them! If you just... do as I ask."

"I won't ever help you," I said, but it came out less defiant and more of a... whimper.

"I'm afraid you won't have a choice. I don't have to have access to your mind, it would only make things very simple. But now that I have Solace... Solace, amplify her emotions. Compassion, grief, the kind of empathetic ones, I believe those work best."

"But sir... I have to have something to work with. She has to feel it a little before I can do that. All she feels right now is afraid."

Dr. Minde released his grip on my body and in a movement of frustration swept the food and drinks off the table. He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me off the chair so I was kneeling on the floor. I fought him but it didn't take much effort on his part to hold me still.

"Star, I don't want to hurt you. This is for your own good. For all of our good." He reached out and touched my forehead with his fingers. "Just... just let me in, Star, and all of this can be over."

I started shaking, trembling badly in fear and fighting against the hold he had over me. But he wasn't in my mind. I could never feel Charles's efforts to breach the barrier when I asked him to test it, but I felt _something_ now as Dr. Minde attempted to exert his control. I prayed that Sage would prove more powerful and cleverer than him, but something told me we were about to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a couple, maybe three more chapters


	16. Chapter 16

The pressure of his fingers on my forehead didn't hurt, but it was still incredibly painful. Dr. Minde was trying again to access my mind, and all the memories of his torture, the torment, pain, suffering, heartache, began to well up within me, smothered by the numbness, but there, beneath it, I could feel it like a coming storm, like the moment before a match catches fire, like the pause and silence before an explosion. Like water beginning to boil beneath a thick layer of oil, Solace could not sense the danger yet, but he knew enough to be wary.

"Stop. Please stop," I begged, my voice breathless and weak, my eyes closed, eyelids fluttering as Dr. Minde tried to access my subconscious. He was failing, but I couldn't stop the flood of memories-- I was my own worst enemy. I felt him release his hold on my body, but I couldn't move anyway, subjected now to my inner demons.

The shield held, there's no question. I would have felt the give. It was holding as Sage promised, but I was beginning to feel a pressure, a desperation that didn't belong to me. It was his. I felt like a child locked in a bathroom with a monster jiggling the doorknob, pounding. Even though he couldn't get in, I felt a rising terror. I was locked in the bathroom with other monsters, ones I was beginning to suspect I could never escape. They clawed at my mind from the inside while he pounded from the outside, and I felt the crumbling, the burning like after Sage removed the barrier.

"Let me show you!" Dr. Minde said through gritted teeth. "Let me in, Star!"

"There is nothing your darkness can show me I haven't seen before," I said, my voice a mere whimper. I saw Bet laying on the ground, covered in shadows.

"Darkness, you say?" The pressure increased. I could feel the slick of sweat between my forehead and his fingertips. I could feel the tension in him, stretching tight. "Every child learns, Star, that darkness can't hurt you. If you're comparing Charles and his ilk to light, I won't disagree with you. But while darkness can't hurt you, you know light... it can blind you."

I felt a sudden gush of hot liquid drip down my face and for an instant I thought Solace might have numbed me, but I could still feel everything. I tasted hot blood and realized my nose was bleeding, but I didn't open my eyes. The emotions were so close, I could feel them, but not enough to use them. I was frustrated, and I was terrified but unable to tap into it, and I was too distracted by the memories to focus. The hours of Solace numbing me, even with my mind shielded, and my own cowardice, my fear of the shadow aspect, my own memories were making it impossible for me to just reach out, grasp them, and save myself.

That's what I had been hoping for, this whole time. I didn't realize it. But I was hoping that my pain and fear and suffering... it would all mean something. That I would save myself, not only from it, but because of it. I couldn't. I failed. I felt the emotions slip away, not because of Solace, but because of my own despair. Despair, it turns out, is stronger than fear. Stronger than hate. The dying of hope ended up being the strongest thing about me.

The shield held. But I was not strong enough. Through my bloody lips, through unbearable pressure and hopeless, unending pain, I mumbled, one last time, "'Honey from a thorn,'" and thought of Sage, and Xavier, and Jean Grey, because I wanted to tell them goodbye if they could hear me. I slumped to the floor, my head pounding now with a crippling headache, and my head swam and the earth swayed, but the shield held. I did not think of him. I did not want my last moments to be thinking of him, and, yes, I thought... this would kill me. I nearly wished for it, except if there were some small chance I could help Bet, if there was some miracle she was still alive and not passed all hope. I could not tell if he were still trying to breach the barrier or had relented, it was as if he were in another room, on another planet, so little and so distanced did I feel.

_Calamity._

I could not even hear the sound of my name clearly; another lesson learned. Giving up, and the silence that follows, can drown out most anything. It was a gentle touch in a storm-tossed sea, easy to miss, but it came again.

_Calamity, I'm here._ It was Charles. 

Too late, I think. I can't even feel hope again. I think I'm dying. I feel my sacred strength slipping. But I grasp at the thought like a hand in the dark. My grip is feeble, my heart is not in it.

"I'm sorry," I say out loud, my voice barely audible. "Charles, I'm sorry."

"Something is wrong with her," I vaguely hear Solace, like a television on in the other room. "Why is her face gray like that? That's a lot of blood." I felt it in a pool beneath my head. It was likely getting in my hair, like my mother.

"Obviously, you idiot, what did you do to her?"

"It wasn't me."

"It's not my fault then! You should have numbed her as I instructed so she couldn't resist! Go get my doctor's bag out of my office, quickly!" I feel the pressure relent; he had still been trying to breach the barrier, after all. I felt his hands jostling my limp form, trying to rouse me. I tried to open my eyes, but it was dark, too dark to see. I feel hands on me, but in a removed way, as if it were something I remembered, not something happening presently. Maybe it was just a memory. Maybe I was dreaming.

I sat up carefully and watched myself limp and pale on the floor, not moving under Dr. Minde's ministrations. I stood up and watched as he listened with a stethoscope, put an IV in my arm, had Cyprus lift me onto the twin bed. But I didn't feel any of it. I didn't feel anything.

 _Calamity, my dear girl. You mustn't._ I didn't understand what he was talking about, I wasn't doing anything. I watched Solace and Cyprus and Dr. Minde crouched over my body, but I was losing interest. A flash of movement caught my attention, and I turned around.

The room was dark, like a room lit by natural light when there was a dark thunderstorm outside. It was hard to make things out; I couldn't tell if it was my own eyes that were the problem, or it was that dark. I caught glimpses of my garden; it was a safe place, now. Dr. Minde couldn't come here. But the movement that caught my eye was not a flower at all, but Bet.

 _Bet! Bet, what are you doing here?_ She held out her arms for me and I ran into her embrace.

_It's actually you that shouldn't be here, Star-girl. Calamity._

_What do you mean?_

_You're going to have to be getting back, Child. But I wanted to come. I had to tell you... it's okay. It wasn't your fault. It was an accident. I don't blame you, sweetheart._

_Bet. What are you talking about?_ What she said felt important; it was like a throb of starlight on a moonless night, I thought it must mean something, she was trying to give me something but everything seemed so dark and confusing and it felt nicer not to think too much about it. I was tired. I thought I could rest.

_I have to go. I love you. If you.. if you see my brother, will you tell him I love him?_

_If you're going, I'm coming with you. I don't want to go back._

But she was gone. A hot, burning feeling I didn't understand, a feeling of deep fear and grief, I could use it, but I was too overwhelmed by it. I sank to the ground, and the room got darker and I felt so tired. I could hear Dr. Minde and Cyprus and Solace by my bed, talking urgently as Dr. Minde worked on me. But I couldn't care about it. I was too tired. I thought I might just go to sleep. I'd wake up and Bet would be there. My parents would, too, because I knew now they were in the same place. A place where I belonged, too. A quiet garden, I thought. 

_No, child!_ It was Professor Xavier, loud and angry. I looked around vaguely, but I couldn't see him, it was too dark. I say down on the ground, not fighting the darkness around me, or within me, anymore. Let it come. I started to close my eyes.

 _Calamity, you mustn't! Please, dear child, we're coming, just wait, please!_ The urgent pleading in Professor Xavier's voice gave me pause and I frowned. 

_I'm tired. I want to rest there,_ I thought.

 _Resist,_ he said firmly. I hesitated, wanting to do what he asked. I attempted to sit up. It seemed too much effort. _Calamity, you must resist!_ He sounded so loud, now, it hurt a bit.

_Please stop. Just... Leave me alone._

_Calamity, Calamity. I won't leave you alone. This is not your end. I will not allow it._ I heard the fear and sorrow in his voice and again hesitated. I sensed there was a danger to him. A risk. I could close the barrier. I could still go.

_No child!  
But I'm tired, I thought faintly. I was. So tired._

_I know. Yet we have much to do. It's time now to wake up._

_I can't._

_You must. Please, my dear, I know it is difficult. I would not ask it of you if it were not very important. Do as I say, quickly._

I hesitate a moment more but decide to do ask he asks, since it seems important to him, though it seemed very difficult. I could feel him urging me on, but it was as if I were weighted and underwater. With effort I don't even understand, I get up and walk over to the bed. I stare down at my body, down at my bloody, still face. I close the shield and thereby leave the dark garden, and I'm back in my head, the last place I want to be.

My head feels heavy, my vision is still dark. Everything is gray and far away, but I feel pain, in my head and in my body, I feel the cold of dried blood and the warmth of the fresh blood spilling from my nose, but it's a trickle now. I feel the pain of my emotions again, which are not welcome, but unavoidable, unmistakable. I try to sit up, I try to push all of the hands away, but my hands have no strength. I opened my eyes, trying to focus. The three men haze in and out of focus, in and out of a dark fuzz that I can't dispell.

"She's all right, it's fine."

"Like hell," I heard Solace respond shakily. "You told me we were going to help her, not nearly kill her." If Dr. Minde responded, I didn't hear it, and before any more arguments could be made, an incredibly loud crash sounded through the building, shaking the walls.

"What was that?" Dr. Minde asked stupidly.

"I'll give you three guesses," Cyprus said, drawing a gun. I found it mildly interesting, almost amusing. If the Professor were here, Dr. Grey, Sage, that gun was nothing but a pitful toy. I realized how weak and pitiful they were, but just the same I had been defenseless against them. I felt a swell of self-recrimination that was quickly lost in the drifing haze. 

"Take care of it!" I could already hear the sounds of a struggle coming from above us. Coming a bit more to myself, I struggled to sit up, watching Cyprus and Solace leave. The door closes behind them and I hear the lock slide into place. Dr. Minde pushed me down. "Best not, Star."

"My name is Calamity," I croaked and pressed my hand to his chest. He glanced down at it, then at my face as I blasted him with the Shadow, knocking him down. He fell to the floor, getting my blood all over himself, and did not move. No shadow vines twined around him. He wasn't breathing, that I could see, and I started shaking.

I was trembling so badly I couldn't stand up, though I tried. I fell to the floor and dragged myself to one of the chairs and tried to stand, but ended up collapsing into the chair, barely keeping myself seated. I lay down limply across the arm of the chair, clenching my fists, but I was so weak, it did nothing to stop the shaking. I stared at his body, stared at the blood all over, still bleeding and all I could do was absently, clumsily wipe it away, and I waited, praying the whole time that no one I loved would be injured, that it was someone come to help me. I prayed all of this was almost over.

After what seemed like an eternity but was really only a few minutes, the door was blasted off its frame, shattering. There were a dozen people in uniforms, MTF written in white letters. I saw many of the teachers from the school and there was Sage, and Charles, Hank, and Dr. Grey.

Charles Xavier wheeled over to me before the others could even get there, and took my face in his hands. "Calamity. I lost contact with you. I didn't know-" Emotion strangled the words and I could see tears welling up in his dear blue eyes and I leaned into his hand. It was warm and firm and his thumb stroked my cheek, wiping away blood and tears.

Sage stepped into view and looked into my face, and I could see her relief and fear and anxiety.

"Did he--" Her jaw clenched and she closed her eyes tightly before she gained control of her emotions. When she spoke again her voice was even. "Did he harm you, Calamity?"

"The shield held," I told her, reaching for her and she grasped my hand, blood smearing over her perfect fingers. "He never touched my mind."

"The blood," Dr. Grey asked. She moved her hands over me, searching for a wound or injury. She looked so different-- her red hair was down, untamed; she wore clothes I'd never seen before. Tight-fitting to her body, made to keep her movements free, with a red flame in the shape of a bird across the front. The task force members were looking over Dr. Minde, but he was dead. They were trying CPR, but it wouldn't work. I'd killed him. I felt darkness inside me, a bleak emptiness I didn't want to examine.

"I got... I got a bloody nose," I said faintly. Understatement of the year.

"What happened here?" a woman asked me gently.

"He attacked me, and..." I couldn't say anything.

"A clear case of self-defense, Agent. This is her blood everywhere." The agent shrugged and went to speak to another member of the force.

"How did you get here so fast?" I asked Charles.

"We knew you were in this area, Calamity. We've been trying to find you." I closed my eyes. They hadn't abandoned me. They were looking for me. They were trying to find me, they wanted me.

I felt a hand on my still shaking shoulder and looked up into the gentle eyes of Hank McCoy. He reached down and picked me up in his arms like I was a child. I could feel his incredible strength, which I hadn't suspected. "Come on. Let's get you home."

"Shouldn't she go to the hospital?" The woman asked. She took off her cap, and I recognized her.

"Agent Dana!"

"Hello, Star," she gave me a small, but warm smile. "I'm glad to see you alive. You had us worried after Charles lost contact with you."

"We'll be able to care for her, Agent Dana," Jean said.

"I'll need to question her."

"She needs medical attention first, and then I'm sure she will be happy to answer your questions," I heard the Professor answer. Again she nodded, clearly trusting him; she spoke into her hand radio, waving us away.

Hank carried me up two flights of stairs. I clung to him with my arms around his neck, burying my face in his shoulder. "Sorry about the blood," I whispered, so tired. Tears started to pour out of my eyes.

"It's okay, Calamity," he said gently. "It's okay. Everything is going to be okay."

I allowed my eyes to close, the darkness and haze making my head swim and I no longer had any strength or desire to fight against it. I did make a mental note. It was the first time Hank had ever lied to me.

...

Can a human being be broken beyond repair? Is it in our nature to be able to be completely destroyed or must we endure renewal, a kind of twisted resurrection not to health and wholeness but only a kind of lifeless living? How far can someone be stretched? How long must they endure pain and suffering and sorrow and grief before they can endure no more? When we are not dead but no longer alive either? Is there a time when we are past healing?

The next couple of days are a complete blur-- a smear of waking and dreaming, nightmares and monitors, IVs, alarms. Faces float in and out of focus, in and out of dreams. Charles. Sage. Louise. Dr. Grey. Hank. Elixir. Nurses and other doctors. Sometimes I'm alone. Sometimes I think I'm alone but it feels like someone is there, and it scares me. I'm in the garden, a safe place; but then it's not safe. The shield is up sometimes, but sometimes it's not-- I can feel Charles, or Jean Grey, but vaguely. They are present but muted, like shadows in a dark forest. I sometimes can't tell if I'm dreaming or if it's real or something that did happen but it's only a memory. There was also something deeply mentally and emotionally _wrong_ and I was having a difficult time finding my way back, finding myself at all. 

Dr. Minde appears, warped strangely, as though I am seeing him as the doctor from my childhood, the man who held me captive, the man I killed, face dead and pale and covered in my blood, and the man of my nightmares who tortured and maimed my mind, all mixed into one. I'm scared and I can hear and feel myself screaming but it is something outside of my control. At times I feel my arms being held down, and the restraint is not painful but only adds to my fear. Dimly I remember that fear is dangerous, not to myself but to others, but that does nothing to help me it only compounds it, fear cascading into more fear.

I try to wake up, to escape the nightmares. But I also know there's a reason, terrible reason, why I don't want to wake up. But once it starts I can't stop it; consciousness pulls at me like waves do the sand.

I awake and see blood dripping, dripping, and my confused mind takes a few minutes to process that I'm receiving a transfusion of blood. I remember Dr. Grey telling me I had lost too much blood, that I was dehydrated and malnourished from not eating and drinking. Hypovolemic shock and a litany of other medical terms that I couldn't remember. I thought that was days ago? I reached out to touch the tubing, filled with dark red fluid, to see if it was real. My arm stopped suddenly and there was a weird soft bracelet around it, tied to the bed, it kept me from touching the tubing. I jerked on it to see if it would come loose but it was secure. Why the hell was I tied to the bed? I pulled on it harder, but it only tightened around my wrist.

"Calamity." Startled, I turned. Charles had clearly been sleeping in his wheelchair at the head of my bed, out of my direct line of sight.

"Professor?" My voice came out in a harsh rasp and I tried to clear my throat, tried to swallow. It was painful. I touched my throat.

"You've been screaming," he explained. Oh, that's right. That's why I don't want to wake up. It wasn't the nightmares that set me screaming but reality.

"Did I hurt anyone? Anyone else?" I asked hoarsely.

He shook his head. "No." He did not elaborate on what efforts were made to keep me from harming others; I felt sure that the Shadow had manifested, many times. I could not remember it but I could feel it.

"How fortunate," I croaked.

"Indeed."

"Can we take these off?" He moved his wheelchair so that he was facing me and took my wrist to undo the restraint, gently pulling on the ties to loosen them. First one arm, then the other. His fingers brushed my arm and fingers incidentally. Why did it feel like such a judgment? It took me a moment to realize it was my own judgment; I didn't deserve his gentleness.

I'm changed, I realize. Before, my pain... it came from what had happened to me, what was done to me. I could fight it; not well, and not without help, but I could fight it. Now, it all came from what I had done, and I could never escape it or get over it because if I did it would be a horrible betrayal of Bet, how she died, how she was killed. Even if I could fight it, I never would.

I could also reason through that perhaps Dr. Minde's death was a result of the threat he was, how he'd nearly killed me, how he'd harmed me on many occasions, and there was blood on his hands. Yet I found it did not matter. When I pictured him lying dead on the floor in a pool of my blood, I feel sick and terrible. There were people who cared about him, people he cared about, probably. There were patients that he'd helped. There was maybe a chance for him to change. But I ended everything, all of it. That day I left the grounds to contact him, I had sentenced us all. Perhaps he was horrible and responsible for my parent's deaths. And I was responsible for Bet's. And his. If he was evil and deserved death, so did I. Maybe he did. Maybe I do.

I can't have Charles or Sage or Louise or anyone now telling me it would be all right. That it was an accident or not my fault. It was. All of it.

I looked at Charles, meeting his eyes, trying to see what I could discover there. I saw my pain, resentment, and despair reflected back to me in his haunted gaze. "My dear." What I felt now was a sense of falling off a cliff or a high building, and his hand stretched out to catch me but I was already halfway down and he was receding. There was only one way for it to end. It might be a slower fall but its conclusion was no less inevitable. I closed my eyes. I don't want to see.

I feel tired; so tired. An exhaustion and depletion that sleep won't ever touch. My soul is tired. And along with the falling, a sense that things will never return to the way they were; would never be okay. There was a fundamental shift.

Star was dying. The cosmic joke no more, I was collapsing in on myself. A cataclysmic event, toward an end I could finally see coming but not stop.

I looked again at the blood dripping slowly into my body; I wondered who it belonged to. A small sacrifice, maybe, by someone willing to bleed for someone else. To save their life. I wanted to throw up.

"Bet." I looked at Charles. "Tell me about Bet. Were you there?" My voice scraped out like metal on stone.

"I was there." He looked at me, his brow furrowed, that familiar worry and intensity that had first attracted me to the school when he was nothing but a picture in a magazine article. Now his love and concern were directed at me and I was too far away to feel the benefit of it. It only made me more afraid and angry. I didn't deserve any of it. And I deserved the pain I was asking for. "She did not suffer."<

"Is that suppose to make me feel better?"

"Yes." I closed my eyes, shaking my head. He continued, his voice not quite managing to mask the pain he felt. "Miss Louise raised the alarm in the house, calling for help. There were several teachers already awake, and it only took us a few minutes to set out after you. I was farther behind due to my limited mobility, but as it took Logan a few minutes to discover your trail through the forest I was able to catch up." He sighed. "We probably only missed you by ten or fifteen minutes. We were so close.

"Hank was one of the first on the scene where Bet was left behind, and he saw immediately the danger she was in. She was not dead, but she was barely hanging on, and it was clear we had not much time. He went to truly heroic efforts to try and resuscitate her. We did try." His voice was tight with pain and emotion and I felt it like a vice around my heart. "I telepathically connected with her, to try and see what had happened, see where you were. It seemed clear that Dr. Minde had found you, but we had required Miss Louise to remain at the mansion for her own safety and I only had a cursory understanding of why you were near the forest that day." He paused.

"I wanted to help Sage find him. I wanted to be the one to help stop him. I thought I could see into his mind if I allowed him, briefly, access to my mind." My neck was hot and burning with the shame I felt.

"Miss Louise has apprised me of as much since then. It was, perhaps, understandable, Calamity."

"Bet," I said to recall him to the subject. My voice sounded as if I had breathed in fire.

"Yes. I was with her when she died. She was sad to go, but her thoughts were of you, and the danger you were in. You were her concern." I don't answer except to turn away; doesn't he know that makes it worse? "I want you to know she cared deeply for you so that you don't make any choices that make her sacrifice in vain."

But it's already in vain. "What choices do I have, Professor? I'm just supposed to go back to classes on Monday like nothing happened? Like I never--"

"Certainly I don't expect you to be unaffected, Calamity," he said, cutting me off. "Bet was a remarkable woman." I winced at his reference to her in the past tense. "She loved serving the students here, and though there was much she could do with her life, her talents, her abilities, she chose to fill the empty stomachs with her delicious food and fill empty hearts with her love and kindness."

"You should have let me die," I whispered. I saw him wince.

"That's not what I do." I knew. He had to save me, for better or worse, because of who he was not who I was. "I couldn't bear to lose you." 

I glanced at him dully, hearing the words but not believing them, not able to process them. I thought he was lying. No one could care for me after all that had happened.

I was beginning to feel weak and shaky again, even after so little exertion, and I lay down, unable to look at the Professor. My hero and my friend and the man who had been a father to me since I'd been here. I don't know what I expected things to be like when I came back, but it wasn't like this. I didn't even feel like me anymore. Maybe I did die there, maybe I went with Bet after all and all that is left is some shadowed shell.

"In her last moments when I was with her and she thought of you, I caught a glimpse in her memory of Solace; a mutant I had known, briefly. Though Dr. Minde managed to block telepathic powers in the building, it was enough of a clue that Sage was able to follow his trail back to Community."

"If you knew where I was, why didn't you come for me?" I choked on the words.

"We did. We did, Calamity. However, the situation was perilous, not only for you and those of us searching for you, but for those innocent members of Community who might be caught in the crossfire. Sage was certain that Dr. Minde was quite capable of injuring others telepathically; she's unfortunately seen that for herself while trying to track him down. We didn't know precisely where you were. We were searching, but we had to be careful not to alert him to our presence. To the Task Force. There were men and women who... they were depending on us to keep them as safe as possible, Calamity." I did not respond but wiped away a tear.

He continued. "When you opened the shield to reach out for me in your moment of distress, we were much closer to being able to find you. However, your connection to me was... tenuous. The way the house was built and your own weakened state made it difficult--" He cut off. I looked over to him and saw him rubbing his face, his eyes red and pain clear in his blue eyes. "I assure you that it was not for lack of trying that we were not there sooner, Calamity. However, I understand the duress you were under and I am sorry, nevertheless." I waited, pain in my chest, for him to regain his composure. I felt terrible for the pain he suffered. If only I had never come here.

"Solace?" I whispered, my voice nearly gone from even the few words I had said.

"Yes. Solace was able to give information to the police and Task Force. Dr. Minde had been manipulating him using his telepathic powers and when he was no longer being manipulated, Solace felt strongly to try and right wrongs he had helped perpetuate. Cyprus and others who had been helping Dr. Minde are currently in custody and being questioned. I would like to say that if not, perhaps, for the information Solace had provided, the Task Force would have been more insistent of their need to question you directly." I didn't answer, but I could only wish that he were here now. What had he said? If he continued to numb me it could affect me permanently? If only.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oof last chapter. thank you to those who continued to read and comment, I appreciate it!

You can say what you want about me. I thought a lot about everything, cumulatively, that had happened to me over the past few hours, the past few days, the years that had come and gone and it was all part of me, and tried not to think of myself at all. To release the selfishness that had lead to all this. Instead I thought of Bet; I tried hard not to remember and I remembered all the time. I asked for her given name, because I was afraid no one outside her family would remember it, and Charles gave it to me. Carol, like a song, an old fashion name. I wonder if she liked it and had just gone by Bet because it was a very cultural part of being a mutant or if she'd disliked it. Maybe she had, I thought it was pretty. It was pretty. I thought of how her life was so short and ultimately so meaningless because of me; thrown away on something not of value and the tragedy of her mistaking it for something of value. Irretrievable. I couldn't stand the smell or sight of food; it was always the smell and a memory. I ate what little I could as fast as I could so I wouldn't have to see or smell it. I didn't want anyone to tell me Bet would be upset if I didn't eat, anything but that.

There was nothing anyone could do to erase what I'd done. I'd have to find a way to live with it. As my body and mind slowly recuperated, that was what I passively tried to do, with limited success. Strength returned soon to my body with the blood and medications they gave me, but not health, not vigor. I looked and I felt-- lifeless. Unable to sleep well. Food a chore, worse than ever. I found it difficult to speak, physically difficult. My throat tired easily, as sometimes happens when singing, but it only took a few sentences to bring the pain and my voice stayed rough and coarse as if I'd been screaming. Dr. Grey could find no reason for it and advised rest.

It made a handy excuse at first, the reason I didn't allow anyone in the room but Charles, and him only grudgingly, and I did not speak to him. But as days passed, it dropped the pretense and refused to see anyone outright, regardless of my physical state. Sage tried to see me only once and did not return when I turned her away. She might have thought I blamed her somehow for what happened, which wasn't true, but I decided not to clarify if it meant keeping her away. I didn't want to face her, the one who had placed strength and trust and power in me and whom I'd betrayed. I put up with the presence of Dr. Grey while she was tending to my injuries but did not speak to her or answer her questions. She came in a few times just to try and talk with me, more persistent than Sage, but ultimately she also gave up. Hank, Elixer, Louise, anyone else I would not allow to come in at all.

Charles seemed particularly bothered by the fact I wouldn't see my friends and brought it up at first. When I didn't answer he dropped it, but as the time approached for me to leave the clinic he brought it up again.

"My dear," I flinched, unhappy with the thought that he was still gentle with me, a murderer, "might I inquire as to why you won't see your friends? Miss Louise and Elixir have been very anxious for you. I know they would like to see you."

It was complicated. Because if I refused to see them, perhaps it would give them permission to refuse to see me. Because they might only want to see me out of some misguided sense of duty or friendship. Because I knew the friendships I had forged with them were going to have to end. Because it was painful to face what I had done to them... dragged Louise into a plot that had killed our friend, and excluded Elixir so he could not stop us from doing something so reckless and dangerous.

"Because I don't want to."

He paused and seemed to contemplate that for a moment. "I would simply ask you to consider that they have born much for you, and continue to do so, and since they want to see you... it is, perhaps, the least you can do for them."

I felt shame creeping up my back like an itch. "They must hate me," I whispered, my throat aching. Already the unbearable ache was starting. I had a limited amount of words before it would be too painful to speak at all.

"I have met with them several times in the past week. At times they are upset, anxious, and even angry. But I have never felt any hatred."

I looked away. "I'll think about it." 

My eyes tracked away from him, toward the door, where unbidden, responsive to my shame and pain, the Shadow had gathered. Without guidance for where to be, it trailed along the ground like a black fog, forming in the corner, rolling in in a wisp of darkness, listless like a stomach ache, cold like a dark winter day. I hadn't recognized how fearful and angry I was getting. I took a deep breath and dismissed the Shadow, forcing away my emotions. It melted away but I felt it under my skin like a shark under the surface of clear, blue water. Charles did not see it; his back was to the wall.

"Since you're being accommodating, I would ask if you would reconsider allow me to link telepathically with you. If you will not do it for yourself, think of the safety of others. I would stay in the garden if you want, but I very much desire to help you--"

"No." The garden was burned to ashes. I had seen it in dreams. In nightmares. The Shadow was the endless smoke that came from it. I did not want Charles to see. I didn't want him to see what I'd become.

"There was a time you trusted me, my dear, to help you learn and control your powers. That's more essential than ever before. Don't shut me out, Calamity! Don't reject me now. Let. Me. Help. You."

I shook my head, hot, aching anger heating my neck, my face. I was angry at his attempts to comfort and help me, when Bet was beyond the reach of both. I don't get what she can never have. The Shadow, repressed, snaked around my heart. But it can't hurt me. It was making me stronger. It numbed the pain, took the soft parts of me that might want to crumble and fall and made them hard. Powerful. My anger calmed and I met his eyes for once. He frowned at what he saw there.

"What are you thinking, Calamity?"

I thought that I must be leaving, now. It will mean being back on the streets, but it's a small price to pay. Certainly the idea is not appealing, but far less appealing than that is staying here and I have nowhere else to go. It will be better. I know the Professor won't like it, but the shield makes it difficult or impossible for him or other telepaths to find me. I'm not helpless anymore, I will be able to protect myself. I have little to fear. I am without hope now, for schooling or a home or friends or a family. It's actually liberating. I find the hard spot on my heart and press on it. Try to expand it. Make it bigger, to cover the broken pieces. "Nothing."

Nothing… Something I'd never considered. Not feeling anything. Not caring so much. Other people seem to do it all the time; why not me? Why not try? Instead of clinging to Charles, instead of using his love and friendship to heal my wounds I would simply... not care anymore. About his pain, or mine. About Louise or Elixir's pain.

Could I create and live in a world without love and friendship... and surely, with much less pain? I thought it would be worth it to discover if I could. "I'm tired, Professor."

Yet he sensed a danger. Charles Xavier was nothing if not a gifted man, a compassionate human being, and someone who did not back away when the going gets tough.

"I'm sure that you are, my dear, and I hope that you will find the rest that you need, soon. If you will allow me to help you, then I'm sure we will both rest more easily than we have the past few nights." I feel a crack in my stone heart, so newly minted it hasn't had time to set properly. I remember now that he was sleeping in his wheelchair at the head of my bed, waiting all this time to help me. If anyone could stop me, it would be him.

If I just. Let him.

But it's a fall I can't stop now. It's far, far too late.

I don't answer him but I pull my knees to my chest, making myself as small as possible and close my eyes. I sense my Shadow; I sense Charles, I hear him breathing, hesitating, hurting. I can feel everything. It burns and it numbs and it makes me want to scream. Everything, and nothing. I can't feel Bet. I can't feel my parents. They're gone forever.

"If I can't help you, I think I'll just stay with you," Xavier tells me after a few moments of deafening silence. "I'll just be right here. In case... in case you change your mind.

But having resolved to act, to leave, I wanted to be done with it and I wasn't strong enough for this. If Charles were here, he would weaken me. I wouldn't be able to stave off emotion. I would remain the weak and pitiful victim. Could I bear to act again when both times I had acted and not been acted upon it resulted in death? Dare I? I did not know how to fight him. But I could not let him win, either. I uncurled from myself, sitting on the edge of the bed, my knees nearly touching his.

"Thank you," my voice scraped, cutting off on the sharp edge of my grief. I was losing him, too. "I won't forget all you've done for me." For the last time, I felt pain. My parting gift to him; my pain was my gratitude. I would feel it this once more, for him. He frowned, sensing a change in my demeanor and tone but not knowing what it meant yet. Before he could say or do anything, he glanced down and there was my Shadow creeping over him. I felt terror as I saw it, remembering terribly how it had been for Bet, but it was different this time. I controlled it. It gently caressed him, like a whisper, like a breeze. I felt it pulling dangerously, but I was its master. I held it. Charles drew back, trying to fight it, but there was no way to fight it. It sapped him, robbing him of his strength and vitality. And he couldn't stop me.

Charles' eyes fluttered. "No... don't. Calamity. Don't."

"Shhh, it's all right Professor." His eyes closed and I caught his head as he slumped over so he wouldn't fall out of his chair. I touched his cheek; cool but not cold. His breathing was shallow but steady. I could feel the strength that it stole surge through me, but it was unpleasant, it made me sick. I knew I would get used to it, just like people got used to drugs or alcohol. My hands were ice cold. I would be fine. He would be fine. I carefully let his collapsed form rest across the armrest and the bed. He was fine.

My backpack with a lot of my belongings had been sent over. In my bag was my wallet, and therefore all my cash from the months of working with Louise. A few changes of clothes, my old hoodie. Not exactly everything I'd need to start a new life, but it would have to do. I imagined that it was Louise who had done it. I imagined I would never see her again and felt cold, colder than I ever have. The thought of Elixer and how Charles had told me about his crush and I felt a sick sense of despair. The loveable me was dead. I was some new creature. A part of me mourned for myself, but vindictively, knowing it was what I deserved for what I'd done. I was also missing a few things; my mother's ring, my stuffed animal. Louise had probably put them where they would be waiting for me and I felt a pang at the loss but there was no way i would risk going back to my room for them.

I pulled out the IV still in place giving me medication and fluid. There was a sharp twinge as I removed it, ripping off all the tape in a sharp movement, and there was a swell of blood between my fingers as I pressed them against the small hole it created. I didn't bother to clean it up and as I pulled clothes on, I watched it smear a brown, rust stain on my sleeves. Something mundane, putting on shoes, put a rubber band in my hair. The Professor was unconscious. Not for long, not for too long, I knew; I had to hurry though I did not want to. 

I did have to hurry but I was not worried. I knew he hadn't been able to telepathically call for help. My power to weaken other mutants was the tool Dr. Minde could have used all along if he hadn't been so power-hungry. To bring to life, to live, to strengthen that was foolish, that was weak. To weaken, to destroy, to pull life away, that was where strength lay. I put a hand on Charles's hand; my hand was cold, very cold. A sad end to our friendship, I thought.

It was late and nearly deserted here. There was one medical worker, I had no idea if he was a nurse or assistant or some other caregiver, but when he stood to talk to me, I let the Shadow put him to sleep even more easily than it had the Professor. I felt the sickening surge again, a different feeling this time but still unpleasant like taking a shot of alcohol. It _felt_ different than Charles or anyone else I had allowed the Shadow to effect, maybe because it was more in my control I was more aware of the sensations.

I saw darkness swirl at my feet, a response to my fear at leaving the closest thing I had to a safe place, a home. But the Shadow made me feel less alone. Less vulnerable. Less afraid. It dissipated as I stepped outside the mansion. I had no way of knowing how soon I would be discovered; how quickly Charles and the guard or nurse or whatever he was would be found. I didn't know how long they would sleep, but my guess would be a few hours. I couldn't be sure. In any case, I had to be as far away as I could. I knew the teachers here, Mr. Logan, others, they would search for me. For my own safety. And I would evade them. For everyone else's safety.

I turned back at the edge of the forest. It was the place the Louise had left me to get help, that Bet had stayed with me and tried to help me and chased after me. The forest would eventually lead to the part of town that Dr. Minde had been staying in while he waited for me. I had hopes that it was near transportation of some kind; surely there was a bus I could take if I could be wily enough to avoid the cameras.

I couldn't help but look back one more time, to the dorm rooms where I knew Elixir and Louise were sleeping. I thought Sage must surely be nearby still, and that I wished I could thank her again for everything. But I never would now. Dr. Grey, too, who had taught me trust, who held my mind together when it would have crumpled like paper, probably deserved at least a farewell. I thought of Hank, the moment he opened the door for me and made me a sandwich, and how he said he just wanted to be there for me. Most of all I knew I would miss the Professor, whom I admitted that I loved very much like family, like a father or a brother. I recalled him calling me back to life when I would have died. I remember him staying with me, and felt pain at the knowledge that I was hurting him, betraying him, trampling under my feet the trust and friendship that we'd built. I didn't think I had a choice. For a moment the earth swayed beneath my feet as I contemplated never seeing any of them again, but soon the world righted itself. My pain would fade. I would make it.

After that I left; I didn't look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for hanging out with me on Calamity's journey. I know there might be a few people dissatisfied with the ending, wanting to know what happens next (although it feels very presumptuous of me to say that I will admit). But this was always the stopping point. This is where her trauma and abuse and pain led, despite the efforts of people who cared about her. The mental illness and emotional stunting that results from abuse was what I wanted to explore. I do have some ideas for what happens next but I'm not sure if it's worth the emotional toll if not that many people are reading this, so if you did enjoy this please let me know!

**Author's Note:**

> Be a dear and hit kudos and give me some comments if you'd be so kind


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